DMT Researchers Advise Maintaining 6-Foot Distance From Own Body

SANTA CRUZ, CA—As part of an effort to help reduce the spread of Covid-19, scientists who conduct research into DMT at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies have advised members of the public to maintain an interval of at least 6 feet from their own body. “Now more than ever, it is imperative for…

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SANTA CRUZ, CA—As part of an effort to help reduce the spread of Covid-19, scientists who conduct research into DMT at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies have advised members of the public to maintain an interval of at least 6 feet from their own body. “Now more than ever, it is imperative for…

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One-Third Of American Renters Didn’t Pay On Time In April

According to the National Multifamily Housing Council, 31% of renters did not pay rent within the first week of April, up from the normal monthly average of 20% as more Americans struggle to make ends meet during the pandemic. What do you think?

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According to the National Multifamily Housing Council, 31% of renters did not pay rent within the first week of April, up from the normal monthly average of 20% as more Americans struggle to make ends meet during the pandemic. What do you think?

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Highlights Of ‘Tiger King’

Tiger King, a true-crime documentary series, has taken the nation by storm. The Onion looks at the most thrilling and talked-about moments from the series.

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Tiger King, a true-crime documentary series, has taken the nation by storm. The Onion looks at the most thrilling and talked-about moments from the series.

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KitchenAid Introduces New High-Speed Countertop Chicken Decapitator

BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside…

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BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside…

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Must See: The ‘Final Fantasy VII Remake’ Features The Gorgeous New Opening Film ‘Taxi Driver’

Buckle up, Final Fantasy fans, because the hotly anticipated remake to the most beloved installment in this series has finally rolled out, and it’s everything we could have wanted! Square Enix’s latest release offers a completely remastered experience chock-full of innovative additions, but none are as dazzling as the…

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Buckle up, Final Fantasy fans, because the hotly anticipated remake to the most beloved installment in this series has finally rolled out, and it’s everything we could have wanted! Square Enix’s latest release offers a completely remastered experience chock-full of innovative additions, but none are as dazzling as the…

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Facebook Switchboard Operators Overwhelmed During High-Traffic Afternoon

MENLO PARK, CA—Straining to keep up with the frantic buzz of incoming calls, Facebook’s 25-person switchboard room was reportedly in a state of controlled chaos Friday afternoon in an attempt to handle the site’s overwhelming traffic. “Okay, I’ll connect you to her page. Yes sir, patching you into that album now.…

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MENLO PARK, CA—Straining to keep up with the frantic buzz of incoming calls, Facebook’s 25-person switchboard room was reportedly in a state of controlled chaos Friday afternoon in an attempt to handle the site’s overwhelming traffic. “Okay, I’ll connect you to her page. Yes sir, patching you into that album now.…

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‘I Can Still Cook This, Right,’ Asks Woman Holding Up Writhing, Screaming Potato With 8-Foot-Long Roots

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Shrugging while pulling the several-months-old vegetable out of a bag on her counter, local woman Janice Freidman reportedly inspected a writhing, screaming potato with 8-foot-long roots Friday before deeming it “probably still good.” “I bet it’s fine—if I just cut off the spiked, muscular tendrils and…

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JERSEY CITY, NJ—Shrugging while pulling the several-months-old vegetable out of a bag on her counter, local woman Janice Freidman reportedly inspected a writhing, screaming potato with 8-foot-long roots Friday before deeming it “probably still good.” “I bet it’s fine—if I just cut off the spiked, muscular tendrils and…

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Dr. Fauci Calls For End To Handshakes

White House coronavirus task force member Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview this week that Americans should end the practice of shaking hands, noting that doing so would reduce the transmission of respiratory illnesses like Covid-19 and influenza. What do you think?

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White House coronavirus task force member Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview this week that Americans should end the practice of shaking hands, noting that doing so would reduce the transmission of respiratory illnesses like Covid-19 and influenza. What do you think?

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7 Times We Mistook Some Random Long-Haired Guy In The Sky For Jesus

Last week, we were absolutely sure the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was at hand when a bearded man with long, flowing locks materialized before us, but it was just the pizza delivery guy.

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Last week, we were absolutely sure the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was at hand when a bearded man with long, flowing locks materialized before us, but it was just the pizza delivery guy.

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Astronaut’s Estranged Wife Accused Of Lying About Space Crime

The estranged wife of NASA astronaut Anne McClain has been indicted for lying to federal authorities about McClain stealing her identity to access her bank account while aboard the International Space Station, a claim that would have been the first known case of a crime committed in space had it been true. What do you

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The estranged wife of NASA astronaut Anne McClain has been indicted for lying to federal authorities about McClain stealing her identity to access her bank account while aboard the International Space Station, a claim that would have been the first known case of a crime committed in space had it been true. What do you

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Bernie Sanders Drops Out Of Presidential Race

Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign Wednesday, saying a path to victory was “virtually impossible” after falling behind former Vice President Joe Biden by nearly 300 delegates. What do you think?

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Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign Wednesday, saying a path to victory was “virtually impossible” after falling behind former Vice President Joe Biden by nearly 300 delegates. What do you think?

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Zoom CEO Reclines Back In Chair In Front Of Massive Wall Of Screens Displaying 10 Million Live Video Feeds

SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on…

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SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on…

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‘New York Times’ Pledges To Cover Biden Sexual Assault Allegations In Upcoming Crossword

NEW YORK—In response to recent criticism for their apparent silence regarding accusations made by a former Senate office staffer, the New York Times editorial board pledged Thursday to provide full coverage of sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden in an upcoming crossword. “We promise this story will get the…

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NEW YORK—In response to recent criticism for their apparent silence regarding accusations made by a former Senate office staffer, the New York Times editorial board pledged Thursday to provide full coverage of sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden in an upcoming crossword. “We promise this story will get the…

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‘It Was, For, Uh, Medical Reasons,’ Says Doctor To Boris Johnson, Explaining Why They Had To Give Him Haircut

LONDON—Calling the procedure “a fast, er, effective way” to treat symptoms of the Covid-19 virus, doctors at St. Thomas’ Hospital reportedly told British prime minister Boris Johnson that the haircut he’d received on Friday “was for, uh, medical reasons.” “Well, you see Prime Minister, because of your severe…

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LONDON—Calling the procedure “a fast, er, effective way” to treat symptoms of the Covid-19 virus, doctors at St. Thomas’ Hospital reportedly told British prime minister Boris Johnson that the haircut he’d received on Friday “was for, uh, medical reasons.” “Well, you see Prime Minister, because of your severe…

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Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away

DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re…

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DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re…

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