Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them…

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Illustration for article titled Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them to lock lips with infected coronavirus patients and pump air into and out of their lungs,” said Trump, who explained how the Department of Labor would be giving all out-of-work Americans an opportunity to take an accelerated training course to learn how to successfully provide ventilatory assistance to Covid-19 patients with their mouths. “States asked for help, and we’ve listened. This is going to save hundreds, potentially thousands of lives, and put our nation’s great service workers back on their feet. There are thousands of very, very sick people waiting across the country with their mouths gaping open.” At press time, Trump told reporters that if unemployment numbers continue to rise, that many of the jobless could take on roles as hospital beds.

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Scientists Discover Earliest Common Ancestor To All Animal Life

Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago is the earliest known bilaterian, an organism that has two symmetrical sides and a distinct front and back connected by a continuous gut. What do you think?

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Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago is the earliest known bilaterian, an organism that has two symmetrical sides and a distinct front and back connected by a continuous gut. What do you think?

“Being worm-like is the common bond that we all share.”

Christi Gasiewski • Systems Analyst

“As a Christian, I believe that we are all descended from Jesus’ continuous gut.”

Theo Fentress • Wallpaper Scraper

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“It’ll be great to finally have something to talk to reptiles about.”

Bob Pandolfo • Canoe Storage Specialist

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U.N. Names Finland Happiest Country For Third Year In A Row

The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the world, followed closely by other Nordic countries while the United States has bumped up one spot to number 18. What do you think?

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The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the world, followed closely by other Nordic countries while the United States has bumped up one spot to number 18. What do you think?

“Sure, it works in Finland, but I don’t think happiness is right for the U.S.”

Hattie Carpenter • Unemployed

“Good for them, but there’s more to life than winning some competition that exhaustively measures quality of life.”

Jerry Skager • Chair Expert

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“One wonders how they thought up Angry Birds.”

Christoph Thibodeaux • Marble Slab Polisher

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Pros And Cons Of CBD For Pets

One recent survey found that about 10% of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol, one of the active ingredients in marijuana. Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits, while opponents warn that doing so can have unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet.

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Illustration for article titled Pros And Cons Of CBD For Pets

One recent survey found that about 10% of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol, one of the active ingredients in marijuana. Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits, while opponents warn that doing so can have unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet.


PRO

Goldfish could really stand to mellow the fuck out.

One CBD treat lasts, like, 21 hours in dog years.

Could reduce dogs’ irrational anxiety around being locked in a crate all day.

Pam tried this and said it worked pretty well.

Pets are going to try it regardless, so it’s best they get it from you.


CON

Dog could become dependent on you.

Having to tell your friends.

CBD regulated almost as poorly as pet food.

What are you doing, that shit’s expensive!

No matter how much you share, they’ll never throw in for the next bag.

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Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores,…

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Illustration for article titled Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores, including ceding at least the city of New York and potentially the entire state in order to meet the virus halfway and spare the rest of America from further suffering,” said Trump at a press conference, adding that his understanding of what the coronavirus wanted led him to believe that New York’s 54,000 square miles and nearly 20 million residents would be sufficient to placate the respiratory disease. “We’re not in a good situation right now, but I think we can find a solution that will make me happy, make the American people happy, and make the virus happy. This is a win-win and everyone gets what they want. This is a big, big change, but in the end we’re going to like the final result. I think this is a sacrifice everyone is willing to make. The virus should know that we respect where it’s coming from and how dangerous it is, which is why we’re offering a very big state. This is a very smart virus and it will know a good deal. I’d take this deal if I were the virus. Some of my advisors suggested Rhode Island or New Hampshire, but I know that won’t be enough. We’re hoping the coronavirus will be reasonable. We’re hoping that if we give the coronavirus New York that will be enough and it will go back to China or Italy or wherever it came from. Maybe we’ll throw in New Jersey as well.” New York governor Andrew Cuomo said he was willing to work with Trump but that ceding the entire state to the coronavirus was too much, and asked if he could reduce the offering to just the state’s prisons and migrant detention centers.

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Woody Allen’s Memoir Released After Being Dropped By Original Publisher

Woody Allen’s memoir, Apropos Of Nothing, was released this week nearly a month after it was dropped by Hachette Book Group, who backed out of publishing the book following employee protests and an announcement by Allen’s son Ronan Farrow that he would no longer work with the company. What do you think?

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Woody Allen’s memoir, Apropos Of Nothing, was released this week nearly a month after it was dropped by Hachette Book Group, who backed out of publishing the book following employee protests and an announcement by Allen’s son Ronan Farrow that he would no longer work with the company. What do you think?

“It’s absolutely disgusting that people still write memoirs.”

Judith Petura • Mulch Bagger

“When it can briefly delay the publication of a book, cancel culture has gone too far.”

Skip Reid • Police Scanner Attendant

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“I applaud the original publisher for taking a principled stand once their employees and clients threatened to quit.”

Bryan Novak • Watch Refurbisher

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Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about

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Illustration for article titled Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about Half-Life: Alyx.


Alyx is outfitted with gravity gloves that allow her to grab virtually anything in her environment, ranging from a cardboard box to a larger cardboard box

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The game is compatible with the Valve Index, Oculus Rift, or a large box placed over one’s head, for particularly imaginative gamers


This is the first installment in the Half-Life series since 2007’s kart racer Half Life Nitro Boost and its 2012 sequel Half-Life Grand Prix

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Taking a short break every few hours will allow you to avoid motion sickness and give you time to justify how this experience was possibly worth a $749 purchase

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The game uses breakthrough VR technology to allow gamers to enter the immersive world of pretty much a game released in 2004

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Before getting too deep into the gameplay, users should make sure to calibrate the game’s settings by indicating whether you will play sitting or standing and letting the game analyze the precise location of their erogenous zones

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The game does not feature multiplayer, but given that you’re one of the only fucking idiots who shelled out for a virtual reality headset, this really isn’t a problem

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Finally, remember that no matter how glowing the reviews for this title are, virtually every gamer out there doesn’t have the right equipment to actually play this game and they almost certainly never will

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GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend…

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Illustration for article titled GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend American life, so we are recommending that these soulless humanoid contraptions return to powering the country as soon as possible,” said Kudlow, noting that the upright, unthinking facsimiles needed to return to their primary function of lifting GDP and improving the stock market. “We believe this group of insentient golems to be relatively low-risk due to their lack of a respiratory system, and right now, they’re just gathering dust being stuck in their storage containers. Of course, we continue to recommend extreme caution and social distancing for any actual humans who may come into contact with these unthinking, unfeeling entities.” Ludlow added that to be extra cautious, any automatons who felt unwell should power down for the next two to three weeks.

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