Hope Hicks Returns To White House

Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?

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Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?

“So, I guess the book deal didn’t pan out.”

Sam Terry • Tile Installer

“It takes a big person to admit that they love making money.”

Claire Gibbs • Assistant Maestro

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“I always thought it was a shame she left before getting the chance to be properly fired.”

Martin Chapman • County Fair Coordinator

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The Most Unforgettable Video Game Levels Of All Time

There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the…

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There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the greatest video game levels of all time.


Mario Kart 64, Rainbow Road:

This level offers gamers the quintessential Mario Kart experience of selecting Toad, driving off the track, and plummeting into the empty void that surrounds in hopes that it will kill this foul mushroom-headed beast, only to be disappointed as he returns yet again.

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Halo, The Library:

Perhaps the most iconic level in one of history’s greatest first-person shooters, where Master Chief must fight off a horde of alien zombies called the Flood through the titular Library so he can return his copy of Simone de Beauvoir’s The Ethics of Ambiguity.

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Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, No Russian:

While earlier games like Crash Bandicoot may have beaten this title to the punch by forcing gamers to participate in the mass shooting of civilians, we can all agree that Modern Warfare 2 performed this emotional gut punch in a way that will never be forgotten.

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Half-Life 2, “We Don’t Go To Ravenholm…”:

The title of this legendary level is so ominous that we’ve never worked up the courage to play it, threw away our copy of the game, and will begin loudly whimpering if anyone so much as mentions it.

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The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time, Water Temple:

This water-logged puzzle dungeon was certainly frustrating at times, but nothing could beat the feeling of satisfaction that came with buying a licensed walkthrough from Nintendo and doing exactly what it said for 45 minutes straight.

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Grand Theft Auto IV: Three Leaf Clover:

The bank heist to end all bank heists. This level nailed every detail, from the exact model of police helicopters used by NYPD to the sensitive bank documents that contained several Rockstar programmers’ real Social Security numbers.

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Frogger, Level 3:

Focusing on the fast-moving cars, disappearing logs, and snapping crocodiles becomes all the more difficult after Frogger’s wife calls and tells him she’s been thinking a lot recently, and they should talk when he gets home.

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Couple Takes Weekend Trip Outside City To Get Away From All The Arts And Culture

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks…

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ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks all the time, so it helps to occasionally take a little trip out to the suburbs,” said Lefeld, 34, explaining that the excursion would allow the two of them to escape the relentlessness of human intellectual achievement. “As soon as I see that first strip mall, I just feel myself start to unwind. It’s nice to be somewhere where there’s just one diner with mediocre sandwiches, and not have to deal with the seemingly endless array of unique and enticing cuisine options from around the world that comes with living in the city. It’s only a short trip, but it will be nice to soak up the monotony while we can.” Lefeld added that the couple had left at rush hour to ensure they would hit as much traffic as possible on their journey. 

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Report Finds Average U.S. College Student Over $28,000 In Debt To Yakuza

NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds…

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NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds become involved with such an organization without realizing how it might affect their post-collegiate careers,” the report read in part, going on to describe how tattooed gangsters are often placed directly on campus to coerce students into signing loan agreements during a traditional bathhouse sake ceremony. “We have found that, sometime towards the end of their senior year, a student opens their door to find the oyabun, dressed in a primly pressed suit and flanked by sunglasses-wearing henchmen, ready to collect. A few students have been able to clear their debt but only by spending a decade working overseas as an assassin. However, we do concede that, compared to loans currently offered by financial institutions such as Sallie Mae, the Yakuza does provide more favorable interest rates.” Kirsch also noted that while the Yakuza do make some income-based repayment plans available, more and more students are opting to settle their debt by simply having their fingers cut off. 

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Americans Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?

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Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?

“I’m finally going to teach my wife how to bowl.”

Gustavo Reid • Systems Analyst

“My partner and I prefer to keep things simple, so probably just a full night of very kinky sex.”

Tamara Gordon • Volunteer Scientist

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“Same way I always do: in jail.”

Howard Lamb • Prisoner

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Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t…

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NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t walk down the street without hearing Mike’s message loud and clear,” said campaign spokesperson Julie Wood, clarifying that canvassers have received training on the proper tactics for stopping black men and throwing them onto the ground while delivering Bloomberg’s talking points. “We’ve also instructed our canvassers to confiscate any materials supporting other candidates. In some cases, we might actually take some men into custody and bring them back to campaign headquarters. This is a massive undertaking that will run well beyond Super Tuesday. We’ve already set up Bloomberg-branded vans in black neighborhoods across the country to spread our message. It’ll all be worth it once these young black men hear what Bloomberg has to say about funding social security while they’re pressed up against a brick wall with an elbow digging into their backs.” At press time, Bloomberg defended his campaign’s decision to stop black high schoolers on the street, insisting that they’d be of voting age soon enough.

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Nevada Addresses Concerns About Election Security By Switching To Electronic Voters

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus, the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters. “There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their…

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LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus, the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters. “There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their votes on paper, but we believe we can greatly reduce inaccuracies by digitizing the entire process, including the voters themselves,” said party chair William McCurdy, who explained that electronic voters select candidates faster and more precisely than their human counterparts, allowing delegates to be awarded to the correct candidate immediately and eliminating the need to contest the outcome. “We originally planned to use a new app to tabulate votes, but after witnessing the difficulties experienced in Iowa’s caucuses, we thought, ‘Why not use an app to cast the votes, too?’ It’s far more efficient than systems we’ve used in the past, and the best part is that the results will be available as soon as—well, now, if you’d like them.” At press time, sources confirmed the Nevada party had awarded Joe Biden the 1,990 delegates necessary to secure the Democratic nomination for president.

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A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal

The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.

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The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.


Stipulates at least 62.5% of all North Americans must be cars.


U.S.–Canada cow swap every other Saturday in Minnesota.


Both NAFTA and USMCA contain same number of vowels to make transition as smooth as possible.

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Cash only.


Removes NAFTA’s hated truck nut tariff.


Significantly strengthens labor violations.


Intellectual property copyright terms extended to 70 years as personal favor to Jim Davis.


Completely revamps legal definition of what constitutes refried beans.


Agreement must be revisited in six years, no matter how cringey it is for the countries to look back at what they wrote when they were younger.

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BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050

Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?

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Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?

“This is the kind of ambitious empty promise we need from all the big oil companies.”

Ray Figueroa • Fish Breeder

“Man, they must be distracting us from an absolutely massive oil spill.”

Lynne Frank • Memorabilia Producer

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“As an ecoterrorist, this is really disappointing.”

Karl Parker • Dream Interpreter

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Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy

MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man…

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MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man and rubbing my huge, protruding belly in the mirror, is honestly indescribable,” said the nine-months pregnant Drysdale, adding that while she was scared at first to feel like an obese middle-aged dad, coming home, putting on her stretchy pants, and downing an entire pizza by herself in a La-Z-Boy recliner had exceeded her expectations. “Yes, it’s hard sometimes, because my ankles are swollen, I can’t actually touch my toes, and I sweat in crevices I never even knew I had. But when I get to say things like ‘Woah! My dogs are barking,’ or do a big laugh that makes my whole body jiggle, it’s incredible. And honestly, it’s powerful.” At press time, Drysdale had retracted her statements after she gave birth and doctors informed her that she had gained 70 pounds.

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Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion

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Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of abolishing the Senate.


PRO

Founders devised Senate several generations before anyone could have even conceived of Oklahoma

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Haven’t abolished anything in a while

Senate building could make for some nice new downtown lofts

Could lead to formation of fun new legislative body with cool name like The Assembly or The Council of Elders


CON

Senate serves as a safety valve in case democracy functioning too well

Would be mean after Founding Fathers put so much work into it

Kind of terrifying to think about what Mitch McConnell would get up to in private sector

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Derails career track for children of current senators 

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‘Birds Of Prey’ Renamed Following Poor Box Office Results

Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?

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Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?

“They should rename it Avengers: Endgame. That movie made a ton of money.”

Clifford Fuller • Unemployed

“Well, that explains why I felt like I saw the same movie twice.”

Cesar Bradley • Associate Barista

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“The new title still doesn’t say if it’s any good.”

Melanie Sullivan • Garden Center Cashier

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Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in…

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KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in history by casting his likeness on our great nation’s largest bowling memorial,” said National Park Service deputy director David Vela, echoing the feelings of shock and joy experienced across the nation after news broke that 95-year-old Carter had achieved the rare feat by bowling a strike in every frame. “It’s been over a century since we last added Theodore Roosevelt’s face to the design. Of course, Bill Clinton was close, but he was disqualified for using bumpers. But Jimmy Carter’s historic game belongs to the ages now, and only time will tell if another American leader can live up to the standard again.” At press time, the National Park Service was making plans to erect a second obelisk near the Washington Monument after President Carter reportedly scored a perfect 10.0 on his gymnastics vault routine.

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Yang, Bennet, Patrick Drop Out Of Presidential Race

Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?

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Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?

“It’ll be interesting to see how this affects their chances in the upcoming primaries.”

Ada Mcguire • Chess Recruiter

“You gotta admire Deval Patrick’s efficiency in squeezing his entire campaign into a few short months.”

Virgil Reed • Lawn Mower Operator

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“Savvy move by Bennet to end his campaign only so he can play kingmaker with his endorsement.”

Oscar Boyd • Screw Sorter

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CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the…

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ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the ruthless efficiency at which the coronavirus can spread, we’re advising all Americans that wearing a face mask over your mouth is insufficient to fully protect yourself from any particularly wily strains of the virus sneaking up behind you and catching you unaware,” said CDC principal deputy director Anne Schuchat, explaining that the coronavirus was a notoriously sneaky disease and put anyone who didn’t adequately safeguard their back and the sides of their body at imminent risk. “Look, this is a disease that plays dirty, and in that respect, it’s much worse than SARS. You’ll need to have all your wits about you if you intend to stay one step ahead of its wicked grasp. You never know when it could creep silently behind you and infect you from the rear, which is why the CDC recommends that in addition to wearing a face mask on the back of your head, you always sit facing the entrance of any room you’re in with your back to the wall. We also strongly caution all Americans to look at any mirror they pass by in case the coronavirus is trying to trail them, and also to wear another face mask on top of your head to shield against aerial attacks.” CDC officials also recommended singing loudly, wearing strings of bells around your neck, or frequently blowing an air horn in an effort to scare off any coronavirus that might be lingering nearby. 

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‘You Should Put Your Name On The Karaoke List!’ Reports Greedy, Gluttonous Hunger For Strangers’ Approval

BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at…

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BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at the bar even though you don’t know them? They would love that,” said the endless chorus of voracious voices swirling around your brain, urging you to make a little wisecrack during the song’s 16-bar instrumental break. “You should sway around and thrust your pelvis at the crowd for a little bit. That’s it. Now spin the microphone by the cord. Wait, you’re losing them—hurry up and try to get everyone to clap their hands. Next time, pick a song that really shows off your vocal range, like the one from Titantic.” At press time, the cacophonous screams that drive your need to be accepted reportedly quieted down to whisper, murmuring that it will never happen.

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Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die

Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more…

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Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more metaphysical questions about the nature of the afterlife, and what exactly it will be like after our souls leave our bodies. Here are a few of the biggest details we’re dying to know about the upcoming Square Enix blockbuster, and a few big questions we here at OGN still have about what happens to us after we die.


Will the classic Final Fantasy 7 story be kept intact?

Director Tetsuya Nomura has insisted that they don’t want the new Final Fantasy to just be a 1:1 remake of the original, and that some aspects of the story have been updated for more modern and sophisticated audiences. That being said, most of the major plot points are expected to remain the same, and fans should look forward to enjoying most of their favorite moments with Cloud, Red XIII, and Tifa.

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After death, will we get to see all our family and friends who have passed away from the mortal world?

We hope the answer to this one is a resounding “Yes” because it would be really sad otherwise. Even if heaven is a great place, we wouldn’t want to have an afterlife where we are all alone or didn’t know the people around us. It is comforting to think of being reunited with our loved ones, but we don’t know if it is true or just wishful thinking.


What changes will be made to the turn-based combat system?

In what may be the biggest change from the classic game, it seems the old turn-based combat system is being overhauled with a more action-oriented system similar to Final Fantasy 15. As you attack, dodge, and block in real time, players will fill up a meter to execute special moves. It seems like an interesting mash-up of the old ’90s system and newer RPGs, although players who wish to will be able to opt for an entirely turn-based version of the classic system.

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Will we exist as fully formed humans up there? Or is it only our spirit which shall live on?

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Specifically what we’re concerned about here is whether you walk around in the afterlife realm, perhaps hand-in-hand with a spouse or loved one? Will you still have a face and a body, or is the afterlife just a place for our minds, like a state of being that’s impossible to imagine with our earthly minds?


Is Hell real?

We here at OGN all like to think we are good people, but the concept of Hell is still frightening. It seems cruel to sentence a flawed human being to an eternity of suffering when we are all flawed in some way. Still, shouldn’t there be some punishment for evil as well? It wouldn’t be fair for everyone to end up in the same place no matter how we lived. Can there be good without evil? Light without darkness? And what sort of just all-powerful creator would knowingly create human beings who can commit horrendous acts of violence and then punish them for exactly those deeds?

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How big will the final game be?

This is one of the most burning questions out there for gamers, and thankfully we’ve gotten confirmation that the remake is so huge it will be split up into multiple entries. That’s right, these redesigned areas are apparently massive reimagining, with the first release taking place entirely within the city of Midgar. That’s a huge game!

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Can you eat and drink in the afterlife?

It would be sad to never eat a nice fresh-baked loaf of bread or a chocolate bar again, but if you could eat and drink would that mean you also get hungry? We would hate not having coffee for all eternity. Maybe you can eat and drink however much you want and never get full? This actually opens up a lot more questions.

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Will our pets be there?

We miss our dog, Oreo, a lot and would want to see her again. It’s scary to think of passing away, but it’s much easier if we know she’s waiting up there for us with that big happy smile on her face.

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CEO Of Robotics Corporation Tells Sobbing Andrew Yang That He Was His Greatest Creation

WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics, reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation. “I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your memories…

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WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics, reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation. “I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your memories from your life before the campaign were simply constructed narratives implanted into your neural processor,” said Tresswell, urging Yang to take pride in the tremendous technological advances that he’d helped bring into existence. “I’ve watched you with such delight as, with each presidential debate, you became more sophisticated, more emotive, more human. Don’t fret, my sweet Andrew, for though you failed to become the nominee, you have achieved something far greater, my son.” At press time, an anguished Yang had reportedly crushed Tresswell’s skull with his bare hands before fleeing through the rain-drenched streets of D.C.

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Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary

Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?

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Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?

“So what? A Democrat wins that primary every 4 years.”

Julia Adkins • High Society Consultant

“Is any victory worth the cost of pushing Michael Bennet out of the race?”

Damon Welch • Urban Blight Photographer

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“Jesus, how many states does this goddamn country have?”

Orlando Lloyd • Theatre Usher

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Fox News Producer Knows His Work Formulaic But At Least It Helps People Escape Reality For Couple Hours

NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started…

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NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started out in this industry, I had more ambitious goals, but at the end of the day, people just want to zone out and enjoy the diversion provided by a purely imaginary world,” said Peterson, adding that as long as he’s telling the stories his audience wants to hear, he feels as though he’s doing his job and making a difference. “I know some of our storylines—for example, the one about the anti-racist protesters in Charlottesville actually being paid actors hired by a PR firm—aren’t very convincing, but just because a plot is far-fetched doesn’t mean it isn’t enjoyable for people to watch. And what’s wrong with giving people something they like? Many of our viewers are getting on in years, and I think they find solace in familiar characters and story arcs, even if they do tend to be a little derivative of the president’s Twitter account.” Peterson’s went on to confirm that he doesn’t often watch his network’s programming at home, preferring to spend his free time watching the news instead.

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