Bib-Wearing Nation Holding Forks And Knives Impatiently Waiting For Restaurants To Reopen

WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, the bib-wearing nation reportedly held forks and knives Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen. “Hungry, hungry, hungry,” said 327 million Americans, drooling on their…

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WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, the bib-wearing nation reportedly held forks and knives Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen. “Hungry, hungry, hungry,” said 327 million Americans, drooling on their…

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Funny Times January 2020 Issue

Cartoons about Drinking . New Year’s Resolutions . Entertaining . Work . History . Language . Dogs . and more! Buy This Issue With cartoons by: Bizarro, Harry Bliss, Ruben Bolling, Matt Bors, Martin Bucella, Jon Carter, Dave Coverly, George Danby, J.C. Duffy, Steve Greenberg, Buddy Hickerson, Scott Hilburn, Jeff Hobbs, Cameron Harvey, Randy Klutts, Keith Knight, L.J. Kopf, Peter Kuper, …[ Read More ]

Cartoons about Drinking . New Year’s Resolutions . Entertaining . Work . History . Language . Dogs . and more!

With cartoons by: Bizarro, Harry Bliss, Ruben Bolling, Matt Bors, Martin Bucella, Jon Carter, Dave Coverly, George Danby, J.C. Duffy, Steve Greenberg, Buddy Hickerson, Scott Hilburn, Jeff Hobbs, Cameron Harvey, Randy Klutts, Keith Knight, L.J. Kopf, Peter Kuper, Mary Lawton, Carol Lay, Liniers, Bill Mannetti, Scott Masear, Heather McAdams, Brian McFadden, Steve McGinn, P.S. Mueller, Drew Panckeri, Mark Parisi, Joel Pett, Rina Piccolo, K.A. Polzin, Hilary Price, Graham Sale, Cristina Sampaio, Jim Shoenbill, Jen Sorensen, David Sporrong, Mark Stivers, Ward Sutton, Tom Tomorrow, Brad Veley, P.C. Vey, Bill Whitehead, Chris Wildt, Matt Wuerker, Zippy  . . .  and lots more!
When I’m 64
By Raymond Lesser

The Borowitz Report
By Andy Borowitz

My Resolutions For You
By Roz warren

Our Great National Divide
By Gretchen Volk

Tim’s Home Office News
By Tim Jones

GOP Thinking About Preparing To Consider A Ban
By Chris Hume

Confessions of A White Male
By Jack Compere

Glossary For A New Political Age
By Janet Periat

The Fifth Wheel
By Laura Boggs

The Rise Of The Dog
By Greg Schwem

Dying To Have A Clean Garage
By Bill Spencer

Driving By Houses In Cars
By Andrew Knott

FUQs: Frequently Unasked Questions
By Swami Beyondananda

PLUS:

Cartoons about Drinking At The Bar
Curmudgeon on Government
Dave Maleckar’s 100 Word Rant
News Of The Weird
Harper’s Index
Cartoons about History
News & Political Cartoons

More Funny Stuff …

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How The Fuck Are We Supposed To Know What This Means? The Bathrooms At This Trendy Bar Are Designated By Images Of A Whale And A Bottle Of Glue

If you have to pee, we hope you’re okay with holding it for a bit, because it’s going to be a while before we figure out this restroom situation: The bathrooms at this trendy bar in Philadelphia, PA are designated by images of a whale and a bottle of glue.

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If you have to pee, we hope you’re okay with holding it for a bit, because it’s going to be a while before we figure out this restroom situation: The bathrooms at this trendy bar in Philadelphia, PA are designated by images of a whale and a bottle of glue.

What the hell? How the fuck are we supposed to know what this means?

So, for whatever goddamn reason, The Langley, a super trendy bar in Center City, has decided to designate their two bathrooms with just a sign in the shape of a whale and another in the shape of a bottle of glue, making it is absolutely impossible to figure out who is supposed to use which one. It seems like they were probably going for a men’s room and a women’s room sort of thing, but how the hell would we know if a whale is supposed to refer to a man or a woman? Neither of these images are associated with gender in any recognizable way. Maybe the whale is the men’s room because Moby Dick is male? And the glue is the women’s, because women…hold stuff together?

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No. There’s no way that’s right. Goddamnit. We just want to go to the bathroom, not solve some fucking puzzle.

There’s no difference between the two doors besides the whale and the glue, so we’ve got very little to go on here. Maybe that means that both of the rooms are gender neutral? It’d be really helpful if they just spelled that out for us, though, because using an animal for one and an office supply for the other makes it far from clear.

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All we know is that these two doors are the only doors in the back corner of the restaurant under a sign that says “restrooms,” so it looks like we just have to keep waiting to see who walks out of them. The best move is probably to stand between the two so it doesn’t look like we’ve really chosen a side. Christ, it’d be so helpful if there were someone else in line for the bathroom right now. The best we’ve got is that some guy walked over, took in the whole situation, shook his head and walked away.

Could it be that one bathroom is whale themed and the other is glue themed? We know that makes no fucking sense, but neither does designating them like this in the first place.

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God, this is so fucking annoying. Is it that hard to just label the facilities clearly? Here’s hoping we get some answers on this situation ASAP, because we seriously need to use the bathroom.

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Damning Report: Mom’s Investigation Into Why This Restaurant Keeps The AC Up So High Has Concluded That It’s Because They Want Their Customers To Freeze

Lunch today was supposed to be a relaxed, casual affair, but in light of some shocking revelations, it’s turned out to be anything but: Mom’s investigation into why this restaurant keeps the AC up so high has concluded that it’s because they want their customers to freeze.

This is a truly damning report.

Upon entering Red Robin earlier today, Mom immediately noticed that the restaurant was uncomfortably chilly, an observation she loudly expressed to the hostess as she was seating the family at a booth, the vinyl upholstery of which, Mom also noted, was very cold to the touch. This prompted Mom to open a preliminary probe into whether or not the family was seated directly underneath an air conditioning vent, which indeed turned out to be the case, thus confirming Mom’s theory as to why frigid air was blasting straight down her neck and making her cold.

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Mom then conclusively determined that the restaurant must be intentionally trying to make its customers freeze, her primary evidence being that “It’s the middle of the summer and they know people will be wearing shorts and tank tops, yet they still insist on making it feel like Antarctica in here.” She also noted that “This is exactly what happened when we came here last summer,” suggesting that this was not an isolated incident but rather a malicious, ongoing conspiracy aimed at making the customers who spend their hard-earned money feel miserable.

“The only explanation for why they’d turn this place into an icebox is that they want to see us shiver,” Mom deduced, adding that she didn’t even want to drink the Diet Coke she’d ordered anymore because it’d just make her colder. “I could go get my sweater from the car, but it’s August, for crying out loud! I shouldn’t have to wear a sweater.”

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She went on to hypothesize that she’d probably be more comfortable baking out in the 95-degree sun than she would “sitting in this freezer,” after which Dad suggested asking the server if the family could move to a table out on the patio. However, Mom dismissed this idea, as she didn’t want filthy pigeons constantly walking up to the table begging for fries.

Damn. Mom’s definitely built a pretty incriminating case against the restaurant here.

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At press time, Mom was detailing her plans to go home and leave a negative Yelp review for the restaurant, as she believed that a manager might see her complaint and make things right with a free appetizer or comped drinks. Dad, meanwhile, was launching an investigation of his own into how much it must cost the restaurant each month to keep the AC cranked up so high while people are constantly opening the door and letting out air—his initial hypothesis being that it likely cost “an arm and a leg.”

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Efficiency Win! All The Major Fried Chicken Chains Have Collectively Agreed To Start Selling Fried Pelican Instead Of Chicken Because They Can Just Find Pelicans For Free Outside

Some of the biggest names in fast food just announced a brilliant new plan aimed at maintaining profitability while keeping prices low: All the major fried chicken chains in the U.S. have collectively agreed to start selling fried pelican instead of chicken because they can just find pelicans for free outside.

Genius! They’ll be teaching this in business schools for years to come.

In a joint statement released this morning, a group of more than a dozen prominent fried chicken chains including KFC, Popeyes, Chick-Fil-A, and Zaxby’s, revealed that moving forward, they will be adopting pelican meat as their primary protein, as there are loads of pelicans wandering around in America’s parks and swamplands, totally free for the taking, that can be easily rounded up in U-Hauls and efficiently slaughtered with baseball bats.

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Altogether the move will save the chains billions of dollars a year in wholesale poultry costs, making it a no-brainer from a financial standpoint. And by coordinating a simultaneous transition from chicken to pelican meat across all the major chicken restaurant chains, it will encourage consumers to quickly adapt to the change, as chicken meat will no longer be available to them at a fast food price point.

“We are excited to share that, after years of shouldering the exorbitant costs of raising and processing chickens, America’s fried chicken restaurants are now going 100% pelican,” the statement read. “Pelicans are very slow and stupid, making it incredibly easy to just walk up to them and stuff them in a duffel bag, which is how we will source them for our restaurants now. Pelicans have a lot more meat on them than chickens, meaning we’ll be able to get much more mileage out of every bird, and once they are deep-fried and seasoned, consumers will hardly notice the acrid, oily flavor you get from birds raised on fish- and litter-based diets.”

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“Now, instead of consumers paying $2.50 for a measly chicken breast that earns the restaurant $.06 in profit, consumers can pay $2.50 for a pelican breast the size of a catcher’s mitt that generates over $2 in profit,” the statement continued. “It’s a win-win for everyone.”

The move will likely be welcomed by animal rights groups, who have long criticized the restaurants for their industrial poultry operations but will now be hard-pressed to find any ethical qualms with the sourcing of pelicans, as they are free-range birds that have been raised in the wild and are far too ugly to feel sympathy for. Additionally, having guys catch pelicans in a park is exponentially better for the environment than factory farming, making it a huge win for the planet as well.

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Wow! It’s too bad they didn’t think to do this years ago.

It’s hard to see this as anything but a good thing in virtually every single regard. Kudos to these restaurants for not only coming up with this amazing idea but also uniting together to implement it. We can’t wait to hit up our local chicken chain for an eight-piece bucket of delicious fried pelican!

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