Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in…

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KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in history by casting his likeness on our great nation’s largest bowling memorial,” said National Park Service deputy director David Vela, echoing the feelings of shock and joy experienced across the nation after news broke that 95-year-old Carter had achieved the rare feat by bowling a strike in every frame. “It’s been over a century since we last added Theodore Roosevelt’s face to the design. Of course, Bill Clinton was close, but he was disqualified for using bumpers. But Jimmy Carter’s historic game belongs to the ages now, and only time will tell if another American leader can live up to the standard again.” At press time, the National Park Service was making plans to erect a second obelisk near the Washington Monument after President Carter reportedly scored a perfect 10.0 on his gymnastics vault routine.

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So-Called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Looks Nothing Like Him

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Declaring the whole visit “sort of a letdown,” Valley View Middle School student Lucas Hursch, 13, was disappointed to find Monday that the so-called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library bears no resemblance to the man who was the leader of the free world from 1980 to 1988. “You could maybe argue it has…

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SIMI VALLEY, CA—Declaring the whole visit “sort of a letdown,” Valley View Middle School student Lucas Hursch, 13, was disappointed to find Monday that the so-called Ronald Reagan Presidential Library bears no resemblance to the man who was the leader of the free world from 1980 to 1988. “You could maybe argue it has a passing resemblance from some angles, but seriously, that would be quite a stretch,” said the eighth-grader, adding that unless the 40th president had a tiny, marble version of himself inside his own body which he charged a $20 entrance fee to see, the building bearing his name shares no physical characteristics to the actor-turned-politician. “I assumed we’d get there, enter a giant glass and steel model of Reagan’s head, perhaps using The Great Communicator’s tongue as a walkway, and have the chance to explore his guts and stuff. But this place has none of that— just a boring building with completely normal doors and windows. I was taught a library is where knowledge is kept, so that kind of should be up in his brain, I guess? Also, you’d think they have it dressed up in a nice suit or something, but the outside is just bricks. If they were going for realism, they did not do a great job.” Hursch noted that the architects and building contractors had no excuse for their shoddy work, as there are thousands of photographs available to aid them in constructing a more realistic replica of the president. 

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Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too

PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday he would spend the remainder of his life educating people about the fact that men, too, routinely suffer from urinary tract infections. “This isn’t just an issue that…

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PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday he would spend the remainder of his life educating people about the fact that men, too, routinely suffer from urinary tract infections. “This isn’t just an issue that affects women: Every urethra is delicate and susceptible, with roughly one in 10 men contracting a UTI at some point during their life,” said the 39th president of the United States, confirming he would immediately sever ties with Habitat for Humanity and terminate the Carter Center’s long-running program to eradicate Guinea worm disease in order to focus solely on the promotion of healthy male urinary tracts. “This painful affliction is often misdiagnosed, so if you feel a sharp burning sensation when urinating or notice an unfamiliar discharge in your urine, make sure you get tested. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and there’s no reason to live in discomfort when treatment is readily available. They give you some pills and it clears right up.” At press time, Carter was reportedly going from stall door to stall door in a public men’s room, where he urged occupants to reduce their risk of a UTI by drinking plenty of fluids and keeping the tip of their penis clean and dry.

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Tiny, Rejuvenated Jimmy Carter Emerges From Pile Of Ashes After Aged Ex-President Bursts Into Flames

ATLANTA—Rising triumphantly from a sudden swirl of golden light that had consumed his former ailing body, a tiny, rejuvenated President Jimmy Carter emerged from a pile of ashes Tuesday after the aged ex-president’s past incarnation burst into flames. “Behold! I am born anew!” the 6-inch-tall former president…

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ATLANTA—Rising triumphantly from a sudden swirl of golden light that had consumed his former ailing body, a tiny, rejuvenated President Jimmy Carter emerged from a pile of ashes Tuesday after the aged ex-president’s past incarnation burst into flames. “Behold! I am born anew!” the 6-inch-tall former president proclaimed in a high-pitched voice, raising his minuscule, youthful hands in exultation from the glowing embers as he announced that his appearance heralded “a new dawn” in affordable housing, peacekeeping, and guinea worm eradication. “From these restoring flames, I shall usher in an eternal age of peacekeeping and independence from foreign oil markets. So has it been for the past century-long cycle of Jimmy Carterdom, and so shall it be for all time.” At press time, the miniature 39th president’s decree had been cut short after an enormous rabbit abruptly emerged from a nearby forest and dragged the squealing reborn world leader into a burrow.

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Secret Service Opens Fire On Section Of Slippery Floor That Attempted To Take Out President Carter

PLAINS, GA—Responding with deadly force to a threat that left the 39th president of the United States in the hospital, Secret Service agents confirmed they opened fire Monday evening on an expanse of slippery flooring that had made an attempt on the life of Jimmy Carter in his own home. “It’s unclear how a hostile…

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PLAINS, GA—Responding with deadly force to a threat that left the 39th president of the United States in the hospital, Secret Service agents confirmed they opened fire Monday evening on an expanse of slippery flooring that had made an attempt on the life of Jimmy Carter in his own home. “It’s unclear how a hostile patch of slick tile managed to get so close to President Carter, but upon identifying the wet spot that caused him to fall, we immediately began shooting,” said agent Joseph Pena, who according to federal officials put his own safety on the line, heroically throwing himself atop what appeared to be a juice spill to prevent it from doing any more harm to the 95-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner. “In the heat of the altercation, there were unfortunately some casualties, with an innocent table lamp lost after taking friendly fire. We are proud to report, however, that the tile that wounded President Carter has been permanently neutralized and no longer poses any danger.” In response to the incident, the Secret Service has reportedly added personnel to Carter’s security detail, assigning separate agents to individually patrol every surface of the former president’s home.

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D.C. Visitors Impressed By Statue Honoring Nation’s First Obelisk President

Photo: The Onion

WASHINGTON—Relishing the opportunity to commemorate one of American history’s most important political pillars, families visiting Washington, D.C. told reporters Thursday that they were impressed by the statue honoring the nation’s first obelisk president. “Wow, it’s so tall, thin, and pointy—it almost feels like he’s staring right at us with his smooth, featureless face,” said D.C. tourist Kayla Pace, adding that even though she visited both the Jefferson and Lincoln memorials with her children, this one was by far the most life-like, and the most moving. “I know he’s dead, and he obviously wasn’t over 500 feet tall in real life, but there’s something so beautiful about seeing what a history-making, pyramidal-topped figure really looked like. Hopefully, one day, a young obelisk will see this statue and know that he, too, could the president of the United States.” At press time, Pace had ushered her family away from the sculpture after protestors surrounded it and began loudly denouncing the president for owning slaves.

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Obamas Sign Exclusive 6-Truck Deal To Produce Series Of Mid-Size RAM Pickups

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Touting their excitement over the rare opportunity to offer a motor vehicle developed with the signature sense of style of a former leader of the free world, Fiat Chrysler Automobiles of North America announced Tuesday that Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a multimillion-dollar six-truck contract to produce a series of mid-size RAM pickups. “For the 2021 model year, we will roll out a new series of medium-platform RAM trucks in six trim levels, all with clean-sheet designs masterminded by the Obama family, continuing the legacy of the former POTUS and FLOTUS of inspiring Americans through unparalleled power, smooth handling, and class-leading comfort,” said RAM chief of design Joseph Dehner, noting that the trucks would be available in variants from the youth/sport-oriented Malia base model to the luxury Audacity flagship. “The Obama family still has a lot to say about American life, particularly where legroom, wireless device charging, and towing capabilities are concerned, and they were proud to lend their unique voices to RAM’s design vocabulary, as well as to our navigation systems as an added-cost option. With the former first family at the wheel, the new RAM can’t help but bridge the divide between America’s aspiring luxury buyers and economy-minded consumers.” While little else is known concerning the Obama-designed truck, sources at RAM confirmed that power will be provided by Chrysler’s dependable 3.6-liter V-6 engine, pricing will start around $35,000, and styling will include signature red, white, blue, and limited-edition tan colorways.

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