Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy

MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man…

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MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man and rubbing my huge, protruding belly in the mirror, is honestly indescribable,” said the nine-months pregnant Drysdale, adding that while she was scared at first to feel like an obese middle-aged dad, coming home, putting on her stretchy pants, and downing an entire pizza by herself in a La-Z-Boy recliner had exceeded her expectations. “Yes, it’s hard sometimes, because my ankles are swollen, I can’t actually touch my toes, and I sweat in crevices I never even knew I had. But when I get to say things like ‘Woah! My dogs are barking,’ or do a big laugh that makes my whole body jiggle, it’s incredible. And honestly, it’s powerful.” At press time, Drysdale had retracted her statements after she gave birth and doctors informed her that she had gained 70 pounds.

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Grimes’ Pregnancy Announcement Is Bringing The Memes

Singer-songwriter Grimes slyly announced her pregnancy with Elon Musk  (and displayed her nipples) on Instagram and Twitter yesterday evening, and the internet has gone completely wild over the news. The Canadian artist had uploaded two photos of herself: one with nipples, and one without. Both photos have a very subtle fetus photoshopped into her womb. After about an hour of rabid internet speculation, Grimes confirmed her pregnancy in an Instagram comment, referring to pregnancy as wild and feral. The post was later deleted for nudity. 

While the Instagram gods have acted upon their wildly anti-nipple stance, they can’t stop memers from going in on the exceedingly memeable couple. Memers are roasting the twosome gleefully on Twitter, making copious references to space, technology, and, of course, aliens. We’re pretty sure that the Musk x Grimes collaboration will result in 100% human offspring, but the meme-y alternatives and witty Twitter reactions are giving us life. Here are our favorites.

Singer-songwriter Grimes slyly announced her pregnancy with Elon Musk  (and displayed her nipples) on Instagram and Twitter yesterday evening, and the internet has gone completely wild over the news. The Canadian artist had uploaded two photos of herself: one with nipples, and one without. Both photos have a very subtle fetus photoshopped into her womb. After about an hour of rabid internet speculation, Grimes confirmed her pregnancy in an Instagram comment, referring to pregnancy as wild and feral. The post was later deleted for nudity. 

While the Instagram gods have acted upon their wildly anti-nipple stance, they can’t stop memers from going in on the exceedingly memeable couple. Memers are roasting the twosome gleefully on Twitter, making copious references to space, technology, and, of course, aliens. We’re pretty sure that the Musk x Grimes collaboration will result in 100% human offspring, but the meme-y alternatives and witty Twitter reactions are giving us life. Here are our favorites.

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Meh: This Woman Shared ‘Real’ Photos Of Her Post-Pregnancy Body To Start A Conversation About Imperfections, But We’ve Already Seen That A Bunch Of Times

The body positivity movement has done a ton of great work to start dialogues about society’s harmful beauty standards, and it’s amazing when a courageous woman stands up and starts an important discussion about society’s unfair beauty standards. Unfortunately, we’re starting to see the same important discussions…

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The body positivity movement has done a ton of great work to start dialogues about society’s harmful beauty standards, and it’s amazing when a courageous woman stands up and starts an important discussion about society’s unfair beauty standards. Unfortunately, we’re starting to see the same important discussions happening again and again. Case in point: This woman shared real photos of her post-pregnancy body to start a conversation about imperfections, but we’ve already seen that a bunch of times.

Meh. This sort of thing might have been absolutely incredible 10 years ago, but by now it feels sort of stale.

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Earlier this week, Marissa Salazar, a 36-year-old Nashville resident, tweeted out photos of her post-pregnancy body and wrote that it was time we started talking about how women’s bodies don’t always look like the airbrushed supermodels you see in magazines, which was an important, but ultimately repetitive point that’s just not very original in 2020.

It’s completely awesome that Marissa was striving to empower fellow mothers to find beauty in the imperfections of their bodies with these close-up photos of her stretch marks, but the reality is that we’ve seen these types of pictures so many times over that it just isn’t that impressive any more.

Look, it’s totally courageous that she decided to share these pictures, but we just can’t be expected to applaud this like it’s the first post-pregnancy stomach we’ve seen. The stretch mark schtick has been going viral for over a decade, and at this point, it’s just not enough to make us stand up and cheer.

Also, it was definitely a stretch that Marissa accompanied the stretch mark photos with the caption, “Nobody tells you this is what you’re going to look like after you have a baby,” because we’ve actually heard from hundreds of mothers that it’s going to look like that. While it’s amazing that she decided to share photos and talk about how she loves these imperfections because they remind her of the miracle of motherhood, we’re just not going to be interested until we see something new.

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Sorry, Marissa. This is pretty much just another drop in the bucket of mothers talking about their post-pregnancy bodies, and we just couldn’t muster the enthusiasm for something this redundant. Your stretch marks are absolutely beautiful, but until you find a way to get that point across that we haven’t already seen a million times, we’re not going to get too excited. Better luck next time.

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Excited Park Rangers Announce Lincoln Memorial Actually A Girl After Statue Gives Birth To Litter Of Tiny Marble Abraham Lincolns

WASHINGTON—Admitting that they were “shocked but still delighted” by the discovery, rangers with the National Park Service announced Thursday that the Lincoln Memorial has given birth to a litter of tiny marble Abe Lincolns, definitively demonstrating that the statue is, in fact, actually a girl. “We recently noticed…

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WASHINGTON—Admitting that they were “shocked but still delighted” by the discovery, rangers with the National Park Service announced Thursday that the Lincoln Memorial has given birth to a litter of tiny marble Abe Lincolns, definitively demonstrating that the statue is, in fact, actually a girl. “We recently noticed that Lincoln had gained significant weight and was occasionally sick in the mornings, and at first, we thought something was severely wrong,” said assistant park director Benjamin Grove, describing how park rangers had arrived at the memorial to be greeted by the sight of the happy but exhausted statue blissfully nursing a half-dozen newborn Lincolns. “For obvious reasons, it had never occurred to us to determine the gender of the monument, and I suppose we look rather foolish now. But the whole litter is healthy and happy, and we’ll soon be able to adopt them out to other states. Of course, we’re more surprised than anything, but altogether it’s a joy—how can you look at these cuddly little bearded marble buddies and not smile?” At press time, “Abe Lincoln” was leading the baby-naming contest on the park’s website for all six babies.

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Teen Mom: Kitten Edition (Video)

On this episode of teen moms…

Kitten Lady, YouTuber and kitten-lover extraordinaire, is taking care of a kitten…who had a kitten. As she writes in the video description, “Kittens shouldn’t be having kittens, folks.”

She also includes this fact, “Did you know that a kitten can get pregnant as young as 4 months of age? That’s why you should always spay and neuter kittens before they reach 4 months of age–to prevent pregnancy and stop the teen cat mom epidemic!”

We didn’t know — but glad we do now! 

Please spay and neuter your pets! 

On this episode of teen moms…

Kitten Lady, YouTuber and kitten-lover extraordinaire, is taking care of a kitten…who had a kitten. As she writes in the video description, “Kittens shouldn’t be having kittens, folks.”

She also includes this fact, “Did you know that a kitten can get pregnant as young as 4 months of age? That’s why you should always spay and neuter kittens before they reach 4 months of age–to prevent pregnancy and stop the teen cat mom epidemic!”

We didn’t know — but glad we do now! 

Please spay and neuter your pets! 

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A Healthy Assortment Of Memes To Cure Your Ennui

Feeling drained and listless after the seemingly unending holiday madness? Do you not know how to get through life without a glass of champagne glistening in your hand? It’s time to shake off the malaise and step back into reality. You know what helps us do that? The amusing yet slightly monotonous aid of memes. 

Feeling drained and listless after the seemingly unending holiday madness? Do you not know how to get through life without a glass of champagne glistening in your hand? It’s time to shake off the malaise and step back into reality. You know what helps us do that? The amusing yet slightly monotonous aid of memes. 

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Newly Pregnant Woman A Little Too Quick To Remind Everyone She Gets To Have One Glass Of Wine A Week

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Confirming no one had raised the subject of drinking, coworkers of newly expectant mother Jennifer Guest reported that after the brand consultant announced her pregnancy to the office Monday, she had been a bit too quick to mention she was still allowed to have a weekly glass of wine. “She had…

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CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Confirming no one had raised the subject of drinking, coworkers of newly expectant mother Jennifer Guest reported that after the brand consultant announced her pregnancy to the office Monday, she had been a bit too quick to mention she was still allowed to have a weekly glass of wine. “She had barely gotten out that she was having a baby before she was, like, ‘I can still have wine, though!’” said Bridgemeyer Marketing Services secretary Sharon Wilson, recalling how Guest had reiterated several times that it was a normal thing to do while pregnant and had gotten progressively more defensive despite the fact that no one was disagreeing with her. “Before we could even congratulate her, she was going into detail about how it was a great way for pregnant women to wind down at the end of the week, and that it wasn’t like a drink or even two was going to hurt the baby. It got uncomfortable at one point, because she started citing a bunch of studies, complete with all these complicated statistics, and everyone was just kind of nodding in silence. Thankfully, [operations manager] Frank [Searle] said he had read somewhere that red wine was good for your heart, and that took the heat off her for a while.” At press time, attendees at a company happy hour said that while Guest had ordered only one 6-ounce glass of chardonnay that evening, she had been a little too wholehearted in her enjoyment of it.

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Area Woman Will Have To Be Way More Fucking Pregnant Than That If She Wants To Be Offered Subway Seat

NEW YORK—Explaining how she was “barely showing,” local man Kevin Martin told reporters Tuesday that the woman who just got on his subway car will have to be way more fucking pregnant than that if she wants to be offered his seat. “There’s no way I’m standing up and moving for someone who looks like they just got…

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NEW YORK—Explaining how she was “barely showing,” local man Kevin Martin told reporters Tuesday that the woman who just got on his subway car will have to be way more fucking pregnant than that if she wants to be offered his seat. “There’s no way I’m standing up and moving for someone who looks like they just got knocked up yesterday,” said Martin of the woman who was eight months pregnant, adding that if she was expecting someone to surrender the comfort of their chair just because she was having a contraction here and there, she was out of her goddamn mind. “What is that thing? Seven or eight pounds? Yeah, sorry lady, but you’d better be ready to pop if you want me to give up this spot that I pushed my way into the train to get. Unless you’re on your way to the hospital, you gotta stand just like everyone else.” At press time, Martin commented that there was “no way in hell” that he was giving up a seat for a blind man who clearly had two eyes.

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‘At Least Someone’s Getting Pregnant,’ Reports Mother-In-Law Watching News Story About Child Brides

ITHACA, NY—Watching a new story about the legal loopholes that allow underage American girls to be married off to much older men who have impregnated them, local mother-in-law Cindy Dearborne was overheard muttering to herself Friday that at least someone out there was having a baby. “She may be young, but it’s nice that she gets to put her most fertile years to good use,” Dearborne said within earshot of her daughter-in-law, referring to a 14-year-old girl on the TV screen whose parents forced her to marry a 29-year-old man after they learned she was pregnant with his child. “By getting an early start, she’ll have plenty of time to raise a big, happy family. Plus, she’s learning at a young age that life isn’t all about what she wants. That’s an important lesson…Oh, and look at the grandma! She seems so happy. Probably because she knows she’ll actually get to be around to watch her grandkids grow up.” At press time, sources confirmed Dearborne’s daughter-in-law had left the room immediately upon learning the news show would return after the break with a report on the societal effects of women in the workplace.

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Woman Lies About Pregnancy To Guy, He Fact Checks Her With Metadata

This guy narrowly dodged a big bullet of crazy. After having what sounds like a one night stand with this woman, she proceeded to try and lie to him about being pregnant, to get money out of him. He managed to keep his composure, and proceeded to fact check her deceptive BS by analyzing the metadata on the text. From there, the truth came out, and she foolishly tried to apologize her way out of it. He wisely told her he’d be blocking her immediately. 

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Pregnant Woman Kicks Husband Out For Hiding $1500

This angry pregnant woman decided to kick her husband out after she learned he was hiding money from her. His reasoning for hiding the money was that he thought she might want some if she knew about it. For the couple to have dated a few years, and decided to have a baby together, it sounds like they had some serious issues. Maybe time for some couple counseling. 

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