Fresh Tweets That Reflect These Crazy Times

Listen. We get it. Things are pretty tough right now. We’ve all got cabin fever and are extremely tired of seeing everyone and their mom share pictures of the sourdough starters and banana bread. But. Looking at Twitter, and all its wonderfully relatable self-deprecating gems, we’re definitely not alone. We’re sure there’s a tweet or two in here that you relate to. And if not? Well, you just occupied yourself for about five minutes. Congratulations.

1.

Text - Matt. @MattTheBrand fun ways to improve your mental health (i think) - go for a walk make small useless purchases - sip coffee on a porch - pet a cute animal - - revenge | 6:48 PM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for Android

2.

Text - Simon Holland O @simoncholland Glad Marshalls is reopening, summer wouldn't have been the same without some slightly irregular fashions and obscure snacks. 5:43 AM · 5/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone

3.

Text - nige, cardigan aficionado @sensual_dad a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials 8:08 PM · 5/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone

4.

Text - fat belly shar @Sharbillionaire My baby brother has a stutter and sometimes gives up saying what he wants to say when he sees people are getting impatient but talks my ears offf. A few days ago we're talking and he says "you understand me" with teary eyes. Guysss, idk if it's possible to feel anymore love 10:16 AM · 21 May 20 · Twitter for iPhone

5.

Text - Jessie @mommajessiec My husband said he did a double take of me when he first met me but l've also seen him do a double take of a free pile of dirt. 8:43 AM 5/8/20 - Twitter for iPhone 255 Retweets 1,467 Likes Dog Lover @DogLovinBear 8h Replying to @mommajessiec Wait, FREE dirt? 21 piscadoro @piscadoro - 8h Replying to @mommajessiec and @justmiche74 Where was the free dirt, do you think it's still there

6.

Text - tom @pilau daddy bear: who's been sleeping in my bed? mommy bear: who's been sleeping in my bed? baby bear: why are you in separate beds wtf 4:31 PM · 5/20/20 · Twitter for iPhone

7.

Text - WTFDAD @daddydoubts 3yo: look mom l'm a bartender! Wife: you're a pretend bartender? 3yo: no l'm a real bartender! Me: he's not lyin this old fashioned is on point. 5:48 PM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

8.

Text - Anna @AnnaDoesntWant2 An Israeli professor was bored during quarantine so he invented a rapid coronavirus breathalyzer test that is 90% accurate. When I'm bored during quarantine I eat cookies. 4:43 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

9.

Wildlife - Katie Didn't @Pork_Chop_Hair When a friend laughs at your joke and you are also laughing, that's the moment: That's when you go in for the kiss. 3:43 PM · 1/2/19 · Twitter for iPhone

10.

Text - The Alex Nevil @TheAlexNevil *musicians on Titanic ask panicking passengers for requests *in the distance, someone yells "Freebird" 3:17 PM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

11.

Text - Ms Evilroyslade TM @msevilroyslade I put on mascara to go to the supermarket today, like some sort of shameless, pandemic hussy. 6:32 AM · 4/16/20 · Twitter for iPhone

12.

Fish - Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 wife: okay, who wants the last cook- me: 12:26 PM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

13.

Text - Son of Dad @ThugRaccoons ) The butterfly, uh uh that's old, let me see your tootsie rol| Me: Oh hell yeah! Time to hit the dance floor!! *instantly tears ACL* 7:07 AM · 1/4/18 · Twitter for iPhone

14.

Text - Steve @AnExocticBeach I walked by my scale today and relatively sure it mumbled "oh fuck no" 1:41 PM · 4/9/20 · Twitter Web App

15.

Text - Divergent Mama @Divergentmama Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the summer break beyond homeschool. 6:06 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for Android

16.

Text - but did u cherish @butdiducherish The best way to feel better about your kids being terrible sleepers is to surround yourself with friends whose kids sleep worse than yours. Stay tuned for more tips on pretending things are good. 7:27 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

17.

Text - Mommy Needs A Life @mom_needsalife My son heard me saying that I want to get a new love seat. He keeps calling it a love couch and now it just sounds dirty. 7:45 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

18.

Text - Darlin' Darla @Darlainky Coming out of lockdown with the vivaciousness of a long-hibernated, hungover, fattened-up, still tired beast. 12:08 PM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

19.

Text - Ham on Wry @realHamOnWry I bought a volumizer shampoo to make my hair look thicker, but all it did was create a poofy edge around my bald spot like a fairy ring in the lawn. 9:33 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

20.

Text - Worst Cass Scenario @WorstCassie Just once l'd like to go to the beach at sunset with a sheer bathing suit, covered in sequins and seafoam, with a professional light kit and a camera crew to capture the glorious moment a wave destroys 7 hours of hair, makeup and spray tan. 3:35 PM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for Android

21.

Text - BRIANIAC® @BGH70 Lie to me like you're an hour long infomercial. 11:30 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

22.

Text - Starring Michelle @starringmichel Thelped my kids build a fort. Once established, they put up the following sign and announced "None of your features can enter these parameters! ...I don't know what that means, but I mean it!" It you need totell us Something, knock on the pin k Chair and we'll open Up.

23.

Text - Miss V @MissV12345 An out of state friend recently said to me, "Everyone in LA should have a dashcam" I responded, "We do, but we all keep them front facing to take selfies while we drive' 11:30 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for Android

24.

Text - Joel Hiller @joel_hiller I think if I had to sum up ldaho in one image it would be the family I just saw out in their yard with two toddlers in swimsuits. It's 45 degrees. 10:32 AM · 4/18/20 · Twitter for Android

25.

Text - Simon Holland O @simoncholland With many traditional summer activities cancelled my kids are excited for more time to dedicate to leaving the door open. 9:28 AM · 5/20/20 · Twitter for iPhone

26.

Text - Matthew A. Cherry O @MatthewACherry Mike looked like an extra in Shawshank Redemption right here KB24 Forever @FastTimesAtRF · 5/10/20 The infamous Canadian tuxedo mike had on Imao 6:16 PM · 5/10/20 · Twitter for iPhone

27.

Text - Christy @CheeseDaydreams Imiss girls' nights. Drinking tequila and telling my dog about the benefits of my current IUD just isn't the same. 1:30 PM · 5/21/20 · Twitter for Android

28.

Text - Ashley Nicole Black O @ashleyn1cole How is FedEx still trying to pull "we tried to deliver but you weren't home?" I'm the most home l've ever been. 2:57 PM · 5/22/20 · Twitter Web App

29.

Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland Me: *Staying inside all day and seeing no one because we are in quarantine* Wife: Is that what you are going to wear? 6:00 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone

30.

Text - Max, my name is Max @RunTheMouth I was working in a movie theatre in France, a customer started an argument with my manager, who was a highly functional alcoholic and did not give a fuck about pleasing Karens. She stupidly went "the customer is king", to which he replied "we're in France, we decapitate kings." 4:28 am · 23 May 20 · Twitter Web App

31.

Food - nathan @868nathan My plans 2020 IT 1920407 17-11 H AL DANSK ish Butter Gookies

32.

Text - daniela @ayyydaniela Me: "Im so forgiving, I dont hold grudges" Also me: 1:56 Replied to your story highlight Replied to your story highlight But all ur angles are good Double tap to like Back in 7th grade you fat shamed me and humiliated me in front of everyone pretending there was an earthquake when I fell. Replied to your story highlight Hop out of my DM's bitch

33.

Food - madison is skating @madibskatin day one of my zero waste journey! used my pasta water from breakfast to make my coffee

34.

Text - Cydni Beer @cydbeer "Quarantine has brought us closer together than we've ever been before." - My Thighs

35.

Text - James Breakwell, Exploding Unic. @XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: *makes matching friendship brackets for me and her* Me: Aww. Thank you. 5: We're in a gang now.

36.

Text - Ashley Fern O @disco_infern0 "Should I workout or drink?" | say to my dog as I pour a glass of wine

37.

Rat - NxbodyNewsTM @NxbodyNews BREAKING NEWS Meet The Rat Who's Paid Minimum Wage To Chew Holes In Kanye's $3000 T-Shirts Professor Barclay @AlbertBarclay69 Peak capitalism is not immediately knowing if this is satire

38.

Couch - origami-zombie My mom crocheted a blanket, and one of the cats kept trying to lay on it the whole time she was working on it and every time she put it down. So she used the extra yarn to make him a tiny one and he loves it so much

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Baby Discovers Her First Laugh, Wholesomeness Ensues

Witness the wonderfully wholesome moment that a baby discovers her first laugh. It’s so sweet it hurts. 

Witness the wonderfully wholesome moment that a baby discovers her first laugh. It’s so sweet it hurts. 

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Moderately Amusing Memes For Procrastination Purposes

While Fridays really don’t matter much these days, it’s still our belief that we’re obligated to celebrate the weekend. And since we can’t head to the clubs, bars, or restaurants to blow off steam, we’re trying to find other ways to chill out. So far, beyond drinking copious amounts of alcohol, scrolling through memes has been fitting the bill. And here’s a whole lot of ’em here for you.

1.

Text - My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance. I said: "Thanks I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.

2.

Text - X: Greek letter "Chi", pronounced "Ki" Æ: Pronounced "Ai" A-12: 12th letter of the alphabet, "L" It's pronounced "Kyle" (Ki-Ai-L) Kyle Musk u/BakedPlatypus All that for a Kyle ?

3.

Bengal tiger - Other people- You're cruisin for a bruisin Me-You're askin for a Baskin

4.

Text - When ur afraid of catching COVID-19 so you download an AntiVirus and stick the USB up your ass 24 helth

5.

Product - i BABYLONBEE.COM Wife Unaware That Movie Will Answer All Her Questions If She Just Pays Attention

6.

Face - Me: don't believe everything you see on the internet smh gullible Internet: Does lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance Me: V31nr 30 45 60 12 V3 sin COS tan y=ax +bxtc (x, x)=-b±A 2a VT WT 4= \b-4ac

7.

Text - Nintendrick Lamario @synthandlasers *me getting captured by Jigsaw* Jigsaw: "You wasted your life drinking craft beers. Now you've been poisoned. One of these two-hundred bottles contains the antid_" Me: "Done." Jigsaw: "What..what do you mean done?" Me: "I mean *burp* fight me you tricycle-ass puppet bitch." 10/18/18, 4:04 PM

8.

Text - Spooky Mama Pajama e & @mamapjs1 Embrace your inner child. Run in a meadow. Laugh at the sun. Follow the rainbow. Pee in your pants. Get angry at the color blue. Scream because circles should be squares. Tell a stranger she looks like the lady in daddy's secret magazines. Believe in magic.

9.

Mode of transport - My gf telling the police not to arrest me Me, drunk and wondering why she's mad at the Uber driver ICE

10.

Cat - when you finally lose your shit and your kids look at you like they aren't the ones that did this to you. @mommysinsidevolce

11.

Photo caption - Well look at you, you beautiful bitch ME WHEN I SEE ANY OF MY PLANTS THRIVING

12.

Text - * kayde * @queen_kayde White girls get dream catcher tattoos and wonder why their lives are going to shit like idk Sara maybe ask the thing inked on your body that attracts bad shit you unseasoned chicken wing

13.

Nose - maaamaaaaaa uwu d-malorkas Delete this

14.

Photo caption - Teachers: Just log into Zablezoot, scroll down to the Zork! app and have the kids work through the assignments sent through Kracklezam or check the links posted in Drumblekick. Parents:

15.

Text - Relatable Randy @_relatablerandy Did 10 squats today. Don't expect me at work tomorrow - gonna call in thicc.

16.

Font - Now this is wisdom EVERY DEAD B ODY ON MT EVEREST WAS ONCE A VERY DETERMINED INDIVIDUAL S0.. MAYBE CALM DOWN

17.

Drawing - Ca wishem wishem CAW

18.

Text - me: i'm a very private person someone: hi me: so i'll start by describing some of my lighter traumas before I get into the real bad stuff

19.

Text - Too bad you can't get abs from laughing at your own jokes because l'd have a defined 8 pack by now

20.

Dinosaur - Elsie Lovelock @sweetpoffin THE STRONGFEMALE CHARACTERS ILOOKUPTO

21.

Text - Therapist: and what do we do when we feel sad? Me: War DisNEpWorld. Therapist: no

22.

Hair - Reasons why I'm writing in Rob Van Winkle for president: 1. He's patriotic (see jacket). 2. He stops. 3. He collaborates. 4. HE LISTENS. 5. If there's a problem, yo, he solves it.

23.

Text - HUNN HUNN brnchewy: Let's just take a moment to appreciate the fact that Pooh has just shoved the equivalent of his own internal organs back into his body like it was no big deal. No bothers were given that day. No bothers given. No bothers. LOOK AT ALL HUNNY THE BOTHERS I GIVE brnchewy 1,110,629 notes Feb 28th, 2017

24.

Text - NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR HOUSE IS, HOW RECENT YOUR CAR IS, HOU BIG YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IS, OUR GRAVES WILL BE THE SAME SIZE. STAY HUNABLE. Speak for yourself Peasant

25.

Orangutan - When she's done her hair and makeup and spent £100 on lingerie to see me stand at the end of the bed like...

26.

Face - BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the tirst celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus. In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti.. BREAKING NEWS CNN EMINEM DIAGNOSED WITH CORONAVIRUS

27.

Text - Is it fucked up or genius that I taught my kids to sing a clean up song to the tune o "my neck, my back"? 'Do it now Clean it good Clean this house up like you should Your books Your blocks Pick your shoes up, and your socks' Nevermind, that's definitely genius.

28.

Text - Can they raise lifeguard requirements I'm sorry but i just don't trust a 19 year old 110 pound blonde named mackenzeigh wth the IQ of a mcchicken to save my life NO, NO. HE'S GOT A POINT.

29.

Hair - When you hate people more than the virus classicalfuck

30.

Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.

31.

Frog - Interviewer: It says here you never went to jail. Me: Correct, I was taken.

32.

Product - When I hear that Coronavirus is more likely to affect men Its Ma'am SAVE AL $30 $20 UTY Please FIRST ON Wait Here CLEARANC STAR

33.

Adaptation - me looking at the F my kid got for the math homework i solved

34.

Text - do u ever set 2 alarms for the morning where the first one is like 'im gonna make myself eggs for breakfast and look like a snack today' and the second one is like 'im gonna have to deal with a snack for breakfast and look like an egg today'

35.

Text - me: i want vanilla ice cream ben & jerry's: try this willy nilli milli vanilli me: just regular vanilla plz ben & jerry's: here's magilla gorilla thrilla in vanilla me: ben & jerry's: chillin like a villain on a vicodin pillin with a bobby bonillin window sillin vanillin

36.

Organism - Never fight a dinosaur. You'll get jurasskicked. otoho dep po os depoutchole dpophotos

37.

Facial expression - nobody: nobody at all: me: making up scenarios in my head and taking it too far & hurting my own feelings. HACKNEYSFINEST

38.

Text - 2020 Mood dumb aloo @besharmi replacing my heart with a lego, step on it now bitch

39.

Hair - alyceoneword When you put your kid to bed an hour ago, but they keep reappearing asking for water and the meaning of life

40.

Photo caption - 5 seconds after changing your babys diaper Baby: @itsbabyyoda I shidded

41.

Text - Afro-LightskinO. @itsKARY Ineed to lose 15-20 pounds in 30 days. Send me tips. Legal & illegal. content emoji @marscuv Clean veganism, daily exercise, plenty of water, plenty of sleep, and (I can't stress this enough) cocaine

42.

Text - jaboukie @jaboukie how are people out here with no therapy not taking any prescribed or illicit drugs just raw dogging reality 11:36 AM · 1/23/19 · Twitter for iPhone

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19 Tweets That Prove Kids On Zoom Are Hilarious

It’s difficult to count the ways that the pandemic has uprooted our lives. Many of us are jobless. People have lost loved ones. We’re all getting cabin fever from being cooped up in our homes. But kids have got it pretty weird. And so do parents. As their studies move to the internet, children are being forced to endure “Zoom classes.” And while that seems pretty surreal and scary for many of us, kids happen to be super adaptable. And that adaptability can often translate to humor. These tweets, which come from parents eavesdropping on their children’s virtual lessons, are some seriously wholesome proof of that. 

1.

Text - Lin-Manuel Miranda @Lin_Manuel Kindergarten Zoom Dance Teacher: Yes, Sebastian, you have a question? Sebastian (unmuting himself): Yes, my little brother really likes dancing. Teacher: That's great! Sebastian: So can he do this class for me? cc: @VAMNI. 10:20 AM · 5/22/20 · Twitter Web App

2.

Text - Arnie Niekamp @misterarnie Overheard my daughter, doing a Zoom meeting with her kindergarten class, saying, with the weariness of an adult, "Clark, you're muted." 5:53 PM · 4/13/20 · Twitter Web App

3.

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4.

Text - k.liz @kathyyliz 'when i got money from the tooth fairy because my tooth came out, i decided i want to collect more money.' - a kindergartener in this Zoom class. i am ROLLING. the HUSTLE 10:48 AM · 5/21/20 · Twitter for iPhone

5.

Text - Imacleod @lmacleod Overheard on kindergarten zoom... Teacher: "What's 14+1?" Child: "I don't have enough fingers for that!" 8:42 AM - 5/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone

6.

Text - suesalvi @suesalvi Just overheard on my 9-year-old's Zoom: "Would Santa kill a shark?" ...really got me thinking. 12:29 PM · 5/22/20 · Twitter Web App

7.

Hamster - Kelly Huh, Ph.D. @glaciergeek I overheard zoom kids chat the other day that if all students can wear hamster balls at schools, then it may be good to return. GIF 7:42 PM · 5/16/20 · Twitter for iPhone

8.

Text - Andrew Exum @ExumAM I just overheard my five-year old tell a girl in his preschool class, on Zoom, "Hey [Name],I dreamed of you last night." What a little Casanova. 9:56 AM · 4/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

9.

Text - Monica Mahoney O @mmPharmD Well ... I was just shared during Kindergarten zoom show and tell "THIS IS MY MOMMY!" 2:34 PM · 5/11/20 · Twitter for Android

10.

Text - Karl Brophy O @KarlBrophy Overheard from the teacher on the 8 year-old's Zoom spelling test this week: "Okay class, let's not use virtual backgrounds. We don't want people being distracted." 6:35 AM · 5/1/20 · Twitter for iPad

11.

Text - Ryan Dilbert O @ryandilbert Overheard in my daughter's Zoom class: Go ahead and put your lizard away and we'll get started on our math. 11:43 AM · 4/28/20 from Houston, TX · Twitter for iPhone

12.

Text - Ranak Trivedi @RanakTrivedi Overheard on my 5 yo daughter's classroom zoom: "I have a comment and a question" #futureacademic #preparingforconferences cc: @vibhor_chhabra 12:12 PM · 5/18/20 · Twitter for iPhone

13.

Text - David Enrich O @davidenrich Every Monday, my son's kindergarten class shares (via Zoom) what everyone did this weekend. Today I heard: "socially distanced picnic" "walked in the woods but it was too crowded" "wore masks" "stayed home" They're saying these phrases like they're normal. 9:33 AM - 5/18/20 · Twitter Web App

14.

Text - Todd Coleman @todd_coleman My daughter had a Zoom class yesterday. The teacher's internet went out, so one of the kids was made the default host. He muted everyone, pretended to teach the class, and then just said "fart" over and over until the teacher was able to join back. It was amazing. 10:12 AM · 4/29/20 · Twitter Web App

15.

Text - Mike Lobikis @MLfromdeep When my daughter joins her zoom class in the morning, every kid just yells "poopy" at the other kids for 5 minutes.

16.

Text - LazyManAndMoney @LazyManAndMoney My 7-year old's Zoom class right now... Teacher: Who wants to add a character to the story? Girl: l'd like to add a bird. My son: l'd like to add a ginormous cucumber zombie. Next kid: l'd like to add a rabbit. 9:38 AM · 5/21/20 · TweetDeck

17.

Text - Kiel Phegley @KielPhegley You Know, For Kids Just listened to a kid on my child's preschool class zoom call tel everyone "This is Link, the character from Zelda: Toilet Princess." 11:23 AM - 5/22/20 · Twitter Web App

18.

Text - Jason Isbell @Jasonlsbel| My favorite moment from quarantine has been my four year old daughter explaining fuzz tone guitar to her zoom preschool class 11:46 AM · 5/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone

19.

Text - a breast of fresh air @joinez My dumb ass logged my son into his Zoom class and I ain't have no shirt on Lmaoo all I heard was 15 Lil ass voices saying ewwwww 9:06 AM · 5/19/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Parenting Memes To Get You Through The Ups & Downs

As if parentingwasn’t already a slightly-gratifying nightmare, the quarantine and home-schooling are making it increasingly difficult to stay sane. If you’re suddenly feeling more violent and frustrated than usual, you’re not alone. Raising kids is already a full time job. Now there’s almost zero time to take care of yourselves. The good news is that you’re not alone. And these amusing memes about the trials and tribulations of parenthood are pretty great proof. If you’re lucky, they may even elicit a rare laugh from your exhausted body.

1.

Soldier - Bathroom: *Empty all day* Every member of my family within 0.002 nanoseconds of me entering it: SHERIFF SH SHEPIF

2.

Soldier - Restaurant: Kids under 12 eat free Dad: He's 11 Me: Actually I'm ninetee- Dad:

3.

Photo caption - I can relate to Ozzy Osbourne now that i have a baby don't know what planet l'm on What the fuck am I talking about. What's going on here? Who? What? Who's this? What? [phone ringing) What the fuck is that?

4.

Helmet - ME DEALING WITH MY DAUGHTER'S EMOTIONS

5.

Text - spacegirl incognito @iamspacegirl Pickin my dad up from Dadcare me: come on dad dad: no I want to play w the other dads me: Im in a hurry all dads: HI IN A HURRY me: damn it

6.

Text - The Dad THE DAD @thedad Dads love getting there early to "beat the rush"

7.

Sports - MY HILARIOUS DAD JOKES MY UNGRATEFUL FAMILY

8.

Nose - Dad: Tell the truth and you won't get in trouble Kid: *tells truth* Dad: You fell victim to one of the classic. blunders!

9.

Text - Adam Gaylord @AuthorGaylord Me Pre-Kids: I'm never gonna lie to my kids ever. Me with Kids: ljust got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don't put your shoes on, they're gonna have to put down another unicorn. Public Librar

10.

Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland If an old dude ever gives you advice while peeling an apple with a pocket knife and eating pieces right off the blade, you should probably take it.

11.

Dish - My daughter's request when I wake her up at 6am for high school wiki How 8 8 Let the potato rest for five minutes.

12.

Face - When the sink is full of dirty dishes, the trash needs to go out, and the washer and dryer are full THE DAD I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it

13.

Adaptation - m3aruf @m3aruf me looking at the F my kid got for the math homework i solved

14.

Text - Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal Things that made my toddler cry this week: - he couldn't wear waffles to daycare -I beat him in a race - he beat me in a race - pancakes had uneven distribution of - chocolate chips - he wanted his boogers back How about your kid? 9:38 AM · 1/30/20 · Twitter Web App

15.

Text - Jessie @mommajessiec "My child fell down the stairs." Mommy FB groups: Why were you not watching her? Are your stairs not bubble wrapped? Are you not feeding your child organic home- grown food?DID YOU NOT DOUSE YOUR CHILD WITH ESSENTIAL OILS?! Daddy FB groups: LMFAO 10:43 PM · 1/27/20 · Twitter for iPhone 222 Retweets 1,393 Likes

16.

Text - Guy Leech @guyrleech I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?'

17.

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18.

Photograph - -Mom, am I ugly? -I told you not to call me mom in front of people IG: Lei.Ying.Lo

19.

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20.

Grave - Me getting home after 2019 a 12 hour shift of hard labor busband, and My four year old hitting me right in the nuts

21.

Face - You're the parent. You're in charge. You do not have to watch another episode of Paw Patrol.

22.

Facial expression - my baby learning to walk WEN my baby learning to talk my baby enjoying the same movies I enjoyed as a child WF

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Desperate Sports Fan Would Almost Be Willing To Watch Own Kids Play In Backyard At This Point

BETHLEHEM, PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity, deprived sports fan Kendall Moyer confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in the backyard at this point. “Christ, I’m so starved for sports that I caught myself on the…

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BETHLEHEM, PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity, deprived sports fan Kendall Moyer confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in the backyard at this point. “Christ, I’m so starved for sports that I caught myself on the…

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Quick Tumblr Thread About Dad’s Silent Kindness

Poor dad is just trying to go around and spread the love and kindness, but every time he does so it inspires panic from the worried women in his house. Let’s all just appreciate the dads out there that are trying their best, and unintentionally inspiring anxiety in their confused family members. Their hearts are in the right place. 

Poor dad is just trying to go around and spread the love and kindness, but every time he does so it inspires panic from the worried women in his house. Let’s all just appreciate the dads out there that are trying their best, and unintentionally inspiring anxiety in their confused family members. Their hearts are in the right place. 

1.

Text - margotkim So I came home from work today and there was a kindle addressed to me that | did not remember ordering. I spent the afternoon trying to figure out how I accidentally purchased a kindle from Amazon, and when I came back from hanging out with Catherine, I told my parents, guys, you will not believe what I accidentally ordered for myself. "Huh," said Dad very casually. "Did you get charged for it?" I spent the next five minutes checking my bank account and came back into the living

2.

Text - It was around the time that I started to sound panicked that Dad confessed to buying it for me ("I didn't realize the mystery of it would be so terrifying"). Which was very, very sweet and slightly unfortunate because yesterday I purchased a replacement kindle for myself. So anyway, we now have a family kindle margotkim Me and Mom were talking about the kindle this morning, and she told me about how a few weeks ago, she got into her car only to discover that it had been mysteriously clean

3.

Text - "But who would do this?" she said to my father who said he was sure he had no idea. "A student? A stranger? Someone who broke into my car to steal it but felt bad about how dirty it was? WHO??" Eventually Dad was like, “Honey. It was clearly me." Poor Dad just wants to be a man who expresses his love through silent actions, but his family consists of panicked, suspicious women who apparently are very sure that strangers will ominously do nice things for us Source:andhumanslovedstories 206

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Dad Uses Son’s College Fund To Remodel Home

It’s all about the context here in this particular AITA. Dad had saved money for his son’s college fund, which ultimately didn’t end up getting used, because his son decided to drop out. Fast forward, and the son is asking his dad if he could tap into the college fund for what sounds like newlywed expenses/alleviating debt. Dad was not about it, because the whole point of the money was for it to be used for college. 

It’s all about the context here in this particular AITA. Dad had saved money for his son’s college fund, which ultimately didn’t end up getting used, because his son decided to drop out. Fast forward, and the son is asking his dad if he could tap into the college fund for what sounds like newlywed expenses/alleviating debt. Dad was not about it, because the whole point of the money was for it to be used for college. 

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Mom’s Facebook Post Advocates For Video Games

A solid post proving that video games aren’t all bad. In fact, one might argue that video games combined with the quality of parenting, determine how the kid ends up acting. 

A solid post proving that video games aren’t all bad. In fact, one might argue that video games combined with the quality of parenting, determine how the kid ends up acting. 

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Exhausted Parents Struggling To Limit Child’s Time Using Gun

DENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old, exhausted parents Josh and Natasha Kachel admitted Thursday that they were struggling to limit their son’s time using the family gun. “We used to only let him use it for about an hour every day, but with the quarantine, it’s just been…

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DENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old, exhausted parents Josh and Natasha Kachel admitted Thursday that they were struggling to limit their son’s time using the family gun. “We used to only let him use it for about an hour every day, but with the quarantine, it’s just been…

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Weirdest Things Parents Caught Their Kids Doing

Kids are just chaos. You never know what a kid is apt to say or do. They’re wildly unpredictable, and prone toward spewing absolute, hilarious nonsense. These moments that parents caught their kids doing bizarre things are something else. Wonder what that one kid was talking to in the sink. 

Kids are just chaos. You never know what a kid is apt to say or do. They’re wildly unpredictable, and prone toward spewing absolute, hilarious nonsense. These moments that parents caught their kids doing bizarre things are something else. Wonder what that one kid was talking to in the sink. 

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Text - chargedunicornpeach • 16h When my son was about 4 he was playing in his playroom. I was on the couch and heard some sounds behind me (it was just us). So I turn and see my son looking up at the light fixtures and whispering. I ask what hes doing. His response: I'm asking all the lightbulbs in the house to not fall and kill you. Thanks son! He's truly got my back.

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Text - Bhavana1234• 17h My son licked my toe. I asked him what he was doing, and he said " time traveling." He was three

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Text - taikalainen • 17h Found my kid talking to the hole in the sink when he was 2. Turns out that's where he said god lives. Carry on, ya weirdo. Ex's eldest hoarded cardboard tubes. If asked they were simply for later. The youngest adopted and formed a strong emotional bond with a garlic for about a week.

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Text - Goose_Season • 16h When my son was first learning to talk my mom kept saying "Just wait until he learns to say no!" Like, really building up the anticipation. Well, I open my eyes one morning to my beloved child, 3 inches from my face and staring at me. As soon as he sees I'm awake, he loudly and dramatically whispers "NO". I still feel like he was letting me know that whole phase had started

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Text - NinaBanina22• 19h My boys share a room. They were about 2 and 7 at the time and I walked in their room and found them rocking on their hands and knees singing "we aaaaaaareeeee the weeeeeeeeeeeeiner doooogs". I have no fucking idea.

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Text - StuShepherd • 21h Packing peas from our garden up her nose. This required a trip to the local hospital emergency room, where the doctor (a dad of several young children himself) thought it was hilariously funny. Soon my wife and I were laughing as well.

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Text - darkpixie1 • 22h S 2 Awards When my son was about 3 years old, he liked to wash his eyebrows with my facial cleanser. Just the eyebrows. Wet, lather, rinse, repeat. He said it made them nice and soft.

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Text - rebekahah • 19h My mom caught me bringing eggs from the kitchen into my room and sitting on them in a blanket nest, hoping they'd hatch. What she didn't catch was that I had been doing this for a while and would put the eggs back into the fridge when they wouldn't hatch after a few days.

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Text - KiuDaso • 18h When my daughter was little, old ladies would come over and enthusiastically ask her simple questions. Like "what's your name?" And she would always reply in flat monotone "Birth-day-Cake". Then they'd ask another question like "Oh, well, how old are you?" And she'd say "Birth-day-Cake". They would look over at us with great concern. So annoying.

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Text - Text - Gtrinker • 19h Let's see, my daughter was drinking strawberry milk and then spitting it back into the cup so she could drink it again. I had hosed off a tarp and it was drying on the patio, we went outside and she just stooped down and took a drink out of a puddle on the tarp. just today I was in the garage and she came out, instantly grabbed a toothbrush I use to clean car parts and stuck it in her mouth. I don't even know anymore.

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Text - Compulsive-Gremlin • 20h I woke up to my five year old spraying windex on the window beside my bed, cleaning it thoroughly, then nodding at me and moving on to cleaning the windows in the next room. I still don't know what the hell was happening.

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Text - MotorizedDoucheCanoe • 21h S 1 Award Caught my 2 year old son licking the floor. He seemed really into it.

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Text - Text - DobbylsMyHero • 17h Few years ago the "cinnamon challenge" was a thing. Walked in the door to my son with his head under the kitchen faucet gulping and spitting water. He accidentally grabbed the cumin instead of the cinnamon.

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Text - Text - LaurenLumos • 19h When my brother-in-law was three he was so obsessed with the toilet plunger they had to buy him his own so he'd stop grabbing the used one. It was his best friend.

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Text - Text - RigobertaMenchu • 21h 1 Award I saw my kid, who was 4, in the back yard looking for bugs or worms. He grab something and put it in his mouth. I asked him about a few minutes later. He said he ate a worm. I laughed and asked why. He said he wanted to know what it tasted like. So I asked what did it taste like. He said it tasted like mud. The next day I asked him if he really ate a worm. He replied "Yea" in the most defeated and embaressed way any human could. Ya live, ya learn eh.

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Text - Text - djsantadad • 21h 1 Award My 3 year olds first joke was "hey look at my armpit" and she would point at her armpit and laugh. She would do this over and over. They warn you about first steps and first words but first joke? I am a proud dad.

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Text - Text - R1Ppaulwalker • 20h Not a parent, but my little sister used to do pretty weird stuff. She used to lay over the side of the couch so her head was upside-down and drool spit down her face until it filled her nose. She said that it would go through her nose back into her mouth like a circle.

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Text - Text - Stabfacenotback • 22h Upon hearing that my pre teen daughter tried to "escape" home via her bedroom window, I spoke up to her. I showed her how easy it is to just walk out the front door.

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Text - Text - barely-famous • 18h My mother was horrified at the many drawings of coffins floating down rivers I made for her in preschool. She literally cried at the thought a child could do something so morbid. I only drew them because my mom and I watched a magic show on TV a few weeks prior that was so cool to me at the time - the magician locked himself in a coffin and went over a waterfall and came out at the end perfectly unharmed! I didn't get why she was so upset at something so amazing

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Text - Text - lightjim • 18h I was the son. When I was about 7 years old I started to develop an interest in ants. So l came up with the idea of having an "ant farm." I got a shovel and took the sod out of my backyard in a circle around 4 ft in diameter. I would dig little holes in this plot to reveal and confirm that there were indeed ants there. Upon discovering the ants I would get the sort of bricks that had holes in them, and plant them in the ground so the ants had a "place to live." I the

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Text - Old-Mac-Donald-Trump • 22h My mother caught me licking butter from the box. Still remember the look of absolute horror on her face.

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Quality Memes & Tweets To Get Your Friday Going

TGIF, y’all! With many of us cooped up in our houses, celebrating the final day of the slavish workweek involves a whole lot less going and and a whole lot more screen time. These memes are one great way for you to take a load off post-9-5 torture. Sure, there are streaming services. But they cost money. And you’ve probably seen everything from Tiger King to that Michael Jordan docuseries.

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Dad Cooks Bacon, Vegan Daughter Isn’t Having It

This dad took to Reddit to ask folks whether or not he was in the wrong for wanting to continue his enjoyment of bacon, even though it created distress for his vegan daughter’s lifestyle. Folks seem to agree that dad isn’t doing anything wrong at all. 

This dad took to Reddit to ask folks whether or not he was in the wrong for wanting to continue his enjoyment of bacon, even though it created distress for his vegan daughter’s lifestyle. Folks seem to agree that dad isn’t doing anything wrong at all. 

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Mom Expects Babysitter To Work For $8 An Hour

Gotta love it. This mom expects the babysitter to take care of three kids that aren’t potty trained, for a whopping $8 an hour. The babysitter stands their ground, and ends up dealing out a bit of a reality check to the mom. 

Gotta love it. This mom expects the babysitter to take care of three kids that aren’t potty trained, for a whopping $8 an hour. The babysitter stands their ground, and ends up dealing out a bit of a reality check to the mom. 

1.

Text - Неу I need a sitter for tonight. Saw your add and I'm interested. Ok this is kind of short notice but I should be able to tonight. What age are your kids? And what hours tonight? Any details would be appreciated!

2.

Text - We have twin 3.5 year olds and a 2 year old. Be aware none of them art potty trained yet but you're more than welcome to work on it. We'd like you to come o I'm sorry the message kind of cut off. I didn't get the last part. The potty training part is fine I can work with it.

3.

Text - Come over at 6! But we before 7 the latest. What are your rates? For 3 kids I can 15/hour. Do you know how long l'll be sitting? At least till midnight possibly later. In no way will we be paying 15. We've had several sitters in the past and never paid more than 8. I can do 60 for the

4.

Text - I'm sorry I can't do that! 15 an hour minimum. I don't want to waste anymore of your time so that's it 15 or nothing. Our kids are very well behaved and will be sleeping most of the time anyway. You'll barely have to do anything. I used to babysit for 10$ a night. Be gratef Barely have to do anything? They're not even potty trained lol . Good luck! Maybe you can sucker some poor teenager to babysit.

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Karen Receives Gifts From Coworker, Asks For A Tablet Next

Ah, yes, another fine example of entitlement running around and creating a mess of an otherwise peaceful coexistence. After “Karen” gets a couple nice gifts from her coworker, she proceeds to ask for more on the grounds that her coworker doesn’t have kids and is an engineer with a fancy salary. Um okay, Karen. 

Ah, yes, another fine example of entitlement running around and creating a mess of an otherwise peaceful coexistence. After “Karen” gets a couple nice gifts from her coworker, she proceeds to ask for more on the grounds that her coworker doesn’t have kids and is an engineer with a fancy salary. Um okay, Karen. 

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Parenting Memes For People Constantly Wrangling Small Demons

We know you love your kids, but it’s also totally okay to want a break from them sometimes. We hope that these memes will serve as a nice little distraction for when you just need five damn minutes to yourself. 

Check out even more parenting content, courtesy of eBaum’s World!

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Text - OUR DOG NEW HUMAN I'M THE BABY NOW imgflip.com

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Shoulder - Me at 35 Me at 25 after buckling my kid into the car seat after a quick 5 mile run

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Facial expression - "They grow up so fast - Enjoy every moment!" No..No I dont think I will

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Yellow - Sleeping peacefully Crying for no reason imgflip.com

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Arm - Boobs Dads Babies imgflip.com

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Figure skate - Please hold my hand and wallk next to me. Kid:

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Internet meme - Y'ALL GOT ANY MORE OF THAT BOOBIE MILK? imgflip.com

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Yoda - KEPT YOU UPALL NIGHT GIVES YOU THIS FACE imgflip.com

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Organism - When you catch your kids eating a family size bag of tortilla chips for breakfast but then realize you don't have to cook Ohumor me pnk CMACGYVERINGMOM22 l'll allow it.

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Photo caption - Bernie Iam once again asking you to change my diaper imgflip.com

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Text - I'm minding my business, takin a shower at 1 something in the morning. I sneeze and hear a whisper "bless you" and I damn near yeeted my own child into oblivion wtf is he doing?????????

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People - SLEEP, MONEY, SANITY BABY imgflip.com

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Text - Me: *has baby fever* Friend: "Daycare costs $1,000/month" Me:

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Text - Person: what's it like to work from home with kids? Me: LED LE P Serv Cost I331

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Capybara - If you're ever wondering what it's like to be the parent of a toddler @cynicalparent

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Eighteen Corny Dad Memes And Jokes

What would we do without dads and their terrible jokes? We may groan and roll our eyes at them, but deep down we all know that we appreciate a good old fashioned pun-laden joke from time to time. So here’s to all the dads who we love and appreciate! Click here for even more dad memes!

What would we do without dads and their terrible jokes? We may groan and roll our eyes at them, but deep down we all know that we appreciate a good old fashioned pun-laden joke from time to time. So here’s to all the dads who we love and appreciate! 

Click here for even more dad memes!

1.

Boxing - I would help but.. ap

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Text - 8:03 59° LTE+ 99% WHERE DO ASTRONAUTS HANG OUT? QD

3.

Text - Dad: *Has heartattack* Dad: Call me an ambulance. Son: Uh...you're an ambulance... Dad:

4.

Branch - LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE THREW CAUTION TO THE WIND

5.

Text - m@thew @TweetPotato314 me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p 1:41 PM 21 Oct 19 Twitter for iPhone 394 Retweets 2,354 Likes

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Dog - Cop pulls me over says you sober man? I said no I'm a Doberman

7.

Facial expression - I hated the belt I made of watches why? it was a waist of time

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Drink - I poured root beer into a squared glass Now I just have beer.

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Sky - DRAW BRIDGE AHEAD

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Plant - You wanna' box for those, sir? U don't want these hands, bro

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Job - Can you perform under pressure? No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody @PunHubOnline Pun hub

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Text - Manager: "Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?" Me: "I bring a lot to the table."

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Chessboard - When you finish eating at an Australian Restaurant

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Fictional character - My master, do you know how Mace died? He went out the Windu

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Wood - A man tried to sell me a casket today I told him that's the last thing I need imglp.com

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Facial expression - How do you make a water bed more bouncy? How? Add spring water

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Adaptation - Dads waiting for the days when they can be 4 hours early to flights again... @classicdadmoves

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22 Texts From The Beautiful & Messy World Of Parenting

Parenting is a lot of things, but it sure as hell ain’t glamorous. These texts manage to capture the laughs, the exhaustion, and the poopy truths of raising children. We just hope they don’t trigger you too much.

Parenting is a lot of things, but it sure as hell ain’t glamorous. These texts manage to capture the laughs, the exhaustion, and the poopy truths of raising children. We just hope they don’t trigger you too much.

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