Roger Stone Sentenced To Over 3 Years In Prison

President Trump’s former campaign advisor and longtime friend Roger Stone was sentenced to 40 months in prison for lying to Congress and obstructing the investigation into Russiain meddling during the 2016 election. What do you think?

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President Trump’s former campaign advisor and longtime friend Roger Stone was sentenced to 40 months in prison for lying to Congress and obstructing the investigation into Russiain meddling during the 2016 election. What do you think?

“I don’t think we should be sending people to prison just because they have different opinions on committing felonies.”

Gilberto Pierce • Unemployed

“If he’s guilty of anything, it’s all the stuff he was convicted of.”

Nettie Boone • Earthenware Coordinator

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“Hey, you do the crime, you do a tiny portion of the time.”

Dan Cross • Safari Expert

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Forever 21 Bought Following Bankruptcy

Fast-fashion retailer Forever 21, which filed for bankruptcy in 2019 following declining sales, has been purchased by Authentic Brands, with plans to keep nearly 500 stores open nationwide and add new lines of accessories. What do you think?

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Fast-fashion retailer Forever 21, which filed for bankruptcy in 2019 following declining sales, has been purchased by Authentic Brands, with plans to keep nearly 500 stores open nationwide and add new lines of accessories. What do you think?

“What a waste of money. It’s just going to fall apart after a few weeks.”

Gene Barton • Systems Analyst

“Phew, for a second there I thought I would have to just stop wearing clothes.”

Edgar Wolfe • Lawn Care Researcher

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“I love a corporate happily ever after.”

Antonia Frazier • Exfoliation Artist

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George Zimmerman Sues Buttigieg, Warren

George Zimmerman, whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate, is suing Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren for defamation, claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “garner votes in the black community.” What do you think?

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George Zimmerman, whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate, is suing Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren for defamation, claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “garner votes in the black community.” What do you think?

“Hmm, it’s not like George Zimmerman to just attack someone for no reason.”

Lori Mcbride • Construction Blogger

“Nothing is more damaging to a man’s reputation than suggesting he shouldn’t have killed a teenager.”

Emmett Huff • Systems Analyst

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“Better this than outside attempting to patrol his neighborhood.”

Wesley Dixon • Cord Detangler

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Coral Reefs Could Disappear Within Next 80 Years

Researchers at the University of Hawaii predict that 90% of the world’s coral reefs could die in the next 20 years and that reefs could disappear entirely by 2100 as climate change increases ocean temperatures. What do you think?

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Researchers at the University of Hawaii predict that 90% of the world’s coral reefs could die in the next 20 years and that reefs could disappear entirely by 2100 as climate change increases ocean temperatures. What do you think?

“There must be something incremental but ultimately not good enough we can do.”

Wanda Mccormick • Furniture Aligner

“Sad to think our grandkids won’t be able to experience the beauty of other people’s scuba diving Instagram posts.”

Tyrone Long • Saw Mill Superintendent

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“That’s ok, I don’t eat much coral anyway.”

David Turner • Bookie

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1,100 Former DOJ Officials Urge Barr To Resign

More than 1,100 former federal prosecutors and Department of Justice officials have signed a letter calling on Attorney General William Barr to resign after Barr intervened to reduce the prison sentence recommendation for Trump ally Roger Stone. What do you think?

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More than 1,100 former federal prosecutors and Department of Justice officials have signed a letter calling on Attorney General William Barr to resign after Barr intervened to reduce the prison sentence recommendation for Trump ally Roger Stone. What do you think?

“No matter what you do, there will always be a thousand or so people who disagree.”

Philip Harmon • Food Court Waiter

“Wow, I’d quit my job if even a single person asked me to.”

Amber Cook • Mall Architect

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“If these prosecutors think long sentences are so great, then why aren’t they in prison?”

Drew Sullivan • Bovine Historian

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Number Of Homeless Students On The Rise

A report from the National Center for Homeless Education found that 1.5 million public school students nationwide experienced homelessness at some point during the 2017-2018 school year, more than double the number reported in 2004. What do you think?

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A report from the National Center for Homeless Education found that 1.5 million public school students nationwide experienced homelessness at some point during the 2017-2018 school year, more than double the number reported in 2004. What do you think?

“Homelessness, huh? My generation’s thing was long-sleeved tees under short-sleeved tees.”

Vickie Hughes • Prison Receptionist

“I bet we could get these numbers down if we just barred people without homes from going to school.”

Colin Ellis • Bathroom Attendant

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“Well, they can’t stay with me.”

Sylvester Bowen • Wallpaper Stripper

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Hope Hicks Returns To White House

Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?

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Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?

“So, I guess the book deal didn’t pan out.”

Sam Terry • Tile Installer

“It takes a big person to admit that they love making money.”

Claire Gibbs • Assistant Maestro

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“I always thought it was a shame she left before getting the chance to be properly fired.”

Martin Chapman • County Fair Coordinator

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Americans Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?

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Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?

“I’m finally going to teach my wife how to bowl.”

Gustavo Reid • Systems Analyst

“My partner and I prefer to keep things simple, so probably just a full night of very kinky sex.”

Tamara Gordon • Volunteer Scientist

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“Same way I always do: in jail.”

Howard Lamb • Prisoner

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BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050

Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?

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Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?

“This is the kind of ambitious empty promise we need from all the big oil companies.”

Ray Figueroa • Fish Breeder

“Man, they must be distracting us from an absolutely massive oil spill.”

Lynne Frank • Memorabilia Producer

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“As an ecoterrorist, this is really disappointing.”

Karl Parker • Dream Interpreter

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‘Birds Of Prey’ Renamed Following Poor Box Office Results

Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?

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Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?

“They should rename it Avengers: Endgame. That movie made a ton of money.”

Clifford Fuller • Unemployed

“Well, that explains why I felt like I saw the same movie twice.”

Cesar Bradley • Associate Barista

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“The new title still doesn’t say if it’s any good.”

Melanie Sullivan • Garden Center Cashier

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Yang, Bennet, Patrick Drop Out Of Presidential Race

Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?

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Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?

“It’ll be interesting to see how this affects their chances in the upcoming primaries.”

Ada Mcguire • Chess Recruiter

“You gotta admire Deval Patrick’s efficiency in squeezing his entire campaign into a few short months.”

Virgil Reed • Lawn Mower Operator

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“Savvy move by Bennet to end his campaign only so he can play kingmaker with his endorsement.”

Oscar Boyd • Screw Sorter

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Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary

Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?

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Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?

“So what? A Democrat wins that primary every 4 years.”

Julia Adkins • High Society Consultant

“Is any victory worth the cost of pushing Michael Bennet out of the race?”

Damon Welch • Urban Blight Photographer

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“Jesus, how many states does this goddamn country have?”

Orlando Lloyd • Theatre Usher

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Website Offers Porn To Passengers Trapped On Quarantined Cruise Ship

In an effort to ease fear and alleviate boredom, the pornography site CamSoda is offering free webcam sessions to the 3,700 passengers and crew trapped aboard the Diamond Princess, a cruise ship that has been quarantined for nearly a week after 135 guests tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?

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In an effort to ease fear and alleviate boredom, the pornography site CamSoda is offering free webcam sessions to the 3,700 passengers and crew trapped aboard the Diamond Princess, a cruise ship that has been quarantined for nearly a week after 135 guests tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?

“The onboard entertainment must be pretty bad then, huh?”

Dion Aleman • Guitar Tuner

“Premium pornography is a classic remedy that my family has used for generations.”

Stacy Hill • Zamboni Mechanic

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“Sorry, but as a Christian, I believe that man was only meant to ejaculate on land.”

Roy Luna • Junior Loan Officer

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University Of Colorado To Offer Degree In Marijuana

This fall, the University of Colorado will offer a bachelor’s degree in cannabis biology and chemistry, providing students the chance to enter the country’s burgeoning marijuana industry armed with an education rooted in natural products and analytical science. What do you think?

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This fall, the University of Colorado will offer a bachelor’s degree in cannabis biology and chemistry, providing students the chance to enter the country’s burgeoning marijuana industry armed with an education rooted in natural products and analytical science. What do you think?

“I fear this will act as a gateway degree to a master’s in pharmacology.”

Noel Sullivan • Thigh Model

“This just plays into the stereotype of potheads being overachieving intellectuals.”

Christopher Blair • Cabinet Painter

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“They’re going to need something more alluring than chemistry to get college kids into marijuana.”

Jodi Sutton • Fitness Guru

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Trump Fires Officials Who Testified In Impeachment Inquiry

Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired from his job on the National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the House impeachment inquiry. What do you think?

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Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired from his job on the National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the House impeachment inquiry. What do you think?

“Finally, people are being held accountable for the Ukraine scandal.”

Rachel Carroll • Tree Beautician

“Well, how would you feel if your subordinate tried to bring your crimes to light?”

Francis Lambert • Taxidermy Instructor

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“This sends a strong message to anyone considering donating $1 million to Trump.”

Jon Hayes • Jar Exporter

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Bernie Madoff Asks For Prison Release

Ponzi-scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is seeking a compassionate release for his renal failure from a 150-year prison sentence for charges that he stole roughly $20 billion from celebrities, charities, financial funds, and average investors. What do you think?

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Ponzi-scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is seeking a compassionate release for his renal failure from a 150-year prison sentence for charges that he stole roughly $20 billion from celebrities, charities, financial funds, and average investors. What do you think?

“Imagine how terrible it would be to not only be sentenced to life in prison but to also have to die there.”

Grace McDonnell • Chess Referee

“At least at the end of his life, he expressed deep sympathy for himself and all that he’s suffered.”

Aaron Dennis • Senior Choreographer

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“Good, then he can finally give me an update on how my investment is doing.”

Nathan Ridley • Bathroom Tiler

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Bumblebee Disappearance Linked To Extreme Heat

Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes, driving the insects to be half as likely to be found in North America as they were in 1901. What do you think?

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Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes, driving the insects to be half as likely to be found in North America as they were in 1901. What do you think?

“Good riddance! I’ve done just fine carrying my own pollen back and forth.”

Arla Gill • Systems Analyst

“Yeah, I felt something was off during my daily frolic through the flowers.”

Murphy Reid • Allergy Activist

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“Oh, does the poor little species need its precious habitable environment?”

Francis Ballard • Ham Slicer

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Trump Delivers Third State Of The Union

President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?

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President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?

“It’s always so hard waiting all year to learn how the union’s doing.”

Murray Browning • Cannery Proprietor

“I just watch it for the fashion.”

Nikita Cunningham • Fashion Analyst

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“I can’t believe the guy is still president despite how often I point out that his skin has an orange tone.”

Grant Castro • Animal Cadaver Salesman

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Disney Buys ‘Hamilton’ Film Rights For $75 Million

Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 after the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $75 million. What do you think?

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Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 after the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $75 million. What do you think?

“Special shout-out to the lawyers and agents who make magic like this possible.”

Renee Barclay • Television Mounter

“It must feel great to finally make some money off that thing.”

Ewen Vinson • Statistics Compiler

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“I don’t see how a Hamilton film can recapture the live-wire thrill of paying $300 for a ticket.”

Vince Mclaughlin • Lobster Importer

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Chiefs Win Super Bowl

With the Lombardi Trophy on the line at Hard Rock Stadium, millions across the world gathered to watch the Chiefs claim victory at Super Bowl LIV while enjoying snacks, commercials, and the company of friends. What do you think?

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With the Lombardi Trophy on the line at Hard Rock Stadium, millions across the world gathered to watch the Chiefs claim victory at Super Bowl LIV while enjoying snacks, commercials, and the company of friends. What do you think?

“Just goes to show you what you can achieve if you score more points than the other team.”

Max McCullough • Systems Analyst

“It was an insane fourth quarter! I ate so much!”

Charley Mcclure • Motivational Speaker

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“I think we all know who the real winners were: the Chiefs.”

Lilly-Mae Wallis • Charity Advocate

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