Experts Recommend Tuning Them Out And Just Trying To Enjoy Your Life

BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try…

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BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try to enjoy your life. “Look, as experts in our various fields, we absolutely mean well, but it seems like every week now we’re conducting extensive research on what you should and shouldn’t be eating, how much you should be exercising, how much screen time is detrimental to you, whether you’re having enough of the right kind of sex, how much you should be worrying about work versus your quality of life, when to forgive family members who have wronged you, even how much you should or shouldn’t sleep—anyway, the point is that the best thing for you right now is probably just to stop listening to us at all and just do what makes you feel good,” said Adrienne Sanchez, lead research scientist on several projects you’re definitely better off not knowing about. “One week we tell you to eat as many eggs as you can, the next we tell you eggs are killing you, the week after that it’s the yolks—we get it, it’s exhausting. Even now, I was coming out here to share some supposed ‘breakthrough’ in modern wellness, but honestly, what you most need to hear is that you’re going to die someday no matter what, so maybe just take good basic care and try to have a nice time while you’re still here.” Sanchez noted that experts would gladly make any and all new study results available in case anyone is interested but recommended the best course of action would be to try and not concern yourself with them, honestly.

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Waiter Asks If Couple Would Like To Pack Him Up In Little Box And Take Him Home For Later

OMAHA, NE—Emphasizing that it was no problem at all and that he’d be happy to grab a to-go container, a couple at the Midtown Bar & Grille told reporters Monday that their waiter Aaron Sadelaer asked them if they’d like to pack him up in a little box and take him home for later. “Just give me two minutes, I’ll get you…

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OMAHA, NE—Emphasizing that it was no problem at all and that he’d be happy to grab a to-go container, a couple at the Midtown Bar & Grille told reporters Monday that their waiter Aaron Sadelaer asked them if they’d like to pack him up in a little box and take him home for later. “Just give me two minutes, I’ll get you the check, and then I’ll get yours truly, a.k.a. the Aaron Special, all wrapped up for you in no time,” said the 27-year-old as he beckoned to himself, adding that while he was best enjoyed hot and fresh out of the kitchen, he’d also be just as good as either a midnight snack or a guilty treat the next day. “No, no, please! You two have barely touched me. Look, I know I come in a big portion size, but it would be such a shame if someone let something as delicious as the head waiter of Midtown Bar & Grille go to waste. Seriously, I’ll even throw in a little extra marinara that you can dip me in tomorrow—my treat! Now, who wants dessert?” At press time, Sadelaer was reportedly panicking after the couple had opted to pack him up and take him from the restaurant, only to accidentally leave him in their car overnight.

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Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For First 5 Or So Times

NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or…

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NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or so times they do it. “Despite the long-held belief that some important life lessons are best taught by having your child place the muzzle of a firearm between the soft and pleading eyes of a beloved puppy or kitten and pulling the trigger, intensive research unequivocally demonstrates that children do not experience emotional growth after shooting their fourth or fifth animal, and the repeated slaughter of beloved pets may actually begin to have an effect opposite from that intended,” said lead researcher Margaret Franklin, adding that the results were the same whether the animal being shot was a beagle, Scottish Fold kitten, guinea pig, or even an iguana. “We tested this extensively, with one group of children shotgunning over 40 animals from as many as 12 species, and in each case, we began to see diminishing returns, some as early as pet number three. After that point, rather than learning a healthy respect for death, children become numb to it, in many cases even begin actively seeking the power associated with it.” At this point in the study, Franklin could neither confirm nor deny that substituting of the children’s aging grandparents might be more effective.

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Couple Takes Weekend Trip Outside City To Get Away From All The Arts And Culture

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks…

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ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks all the time, so it helps to occasionally take a little trip out to the suburbs,” said Lefeld, 34, explaining that the excursion would allow the two of them to escape the relentlessness of human intellectual achievement. “As soon as I see that first strip mall, I just feel myself start to unwind. It’s nice to be somewhere where there’s just one diner with mediocre sandwiches, and not have to deal with the seemingly endless array of unique and enticing cuisine options from around the world that comes with living in the city. It’s only a short trip, but it will be nice to soak up the monotony while we can.” Lefeld added that the couple had left at rush hour to ensure they would hit as much traffic as possible on their journey. 

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Report Finds Average U.S. College Student Over $28,000 In Debt To Yakuza

NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds…

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NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds become involved with such an organization without realizing how it might affect their post-collegiate careers,” the report read in part, going on to describe how tattooed gangsters are often placed directly on campus to coerce students into signing loan agreements during a traditional bathhouse sake ceremony. “We have found that, sometime towards the end of their senior year, a student opens their door to find the oyabun, dressed in a primly pressed suit and flanked by sunglasses-wearing henchmen, ready to collect. A few students have been able to clear their debt but only by spending a decade working overseas as an assassin. However, we do concede that, compared to loans currently offered by financial institutions such as Sallie Mae, the Yakuza does provide more favorable interest rates.” Kirsch also noted that while the Yakuza do make some income-based repayment plans available, more and more students are opting to settle their debt by simply having their fingers cut off. 

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Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t…

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NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t walk down the street without hearing Mike’s message loud and clear,” said campaign spokesperson Julie Wood, clarifying that canvassers have received training on the proper tactics for stopping black men and throwing them onto the ground while delivering Bloomberg’s talking points. “We’ve also instructed our canvassers to confiscate any materials supporting other candidates. In some cases, we might actually take some men into custody and bring them back to campaign headquarters. This is a massive undertaking that will run well beyond Super Tuesday. We’ve already set up Bloomberg-branded vans in black neighborhoods across the country to spread our message. It’ll all be worth it once these young black men hear what Bloomberg has to say about funding social security while they’re pressed up against a brick wall with an elbow digging into their backs.” At press time, Bloomberg defended his campaign’s decision to stop black high schoolers on the street, insisting that they’d be of voting age soon enough.

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Nevada Addresses Concerns About Election Security By Switching To Electronic Voters

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus, the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters. “There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their…

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LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus, the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters. “There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their votes on paper, but we believe we can greatly reduce inaccuracies by digitizing the entire process, including the voters themselves,” said party chair William McCurdy, who explained that electronic voters select candidates faster and more precisely than their human counterparts, allowing delegates to be awarded to the correct candidate immediately and eliminating the need to contest the outcome. “We originally planned to use a new app to tabulate votes, but after witnessing the difficulties experienced in Iowa’s caucuses, we thought, ‘Why not use an app to cast the votes, too?’ It’s far more efficient than systems we’ve used in the past, and the best part is that the results will be available as soon as—well, now, if you’d like them.” At press time, sources confirmed the Nevada party had awarded Joe Biden the 1,990 delegates necessary to secure the Democratic nomination for president.

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Sorely Mistaken People Not Getting Satire

Even though satirical news has been around for decades, people still have a really hard time parsing out fact from fiction. Sometimes they’ll write-off a absurdly funny headline as fake news. Other times they’ll react with appropriate shock after reading a “report” that the gates of hell have been opened. It’s funny, but also kinda really disappointing when sadly mistaken people don’t understand satire.

Even though satirical news has been around for decades, people still have a really hard time parsing out fact from fiction. Sometimes they’ll write-off a absurdly funny headline as fake news. Other times they’ll react with appropriate shock after reading a “report” that the gates of hell have been opened. It’s funny, but also kinda really disappointing when sadly mistaken people don’t understand satire.

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Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy

MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man…

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MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man and rubbing my huge, protruding belly in the mirror, is honestly indescribable,” said the nine-months pregnant Drysdale, adding that while she was scared at first to feel like an obese middle-aged dad, coming home, putting on her stretchy pants, and downing an entire pizza by herself in a La-Z-Boy recliner had exceeded her expectations. “Yes, it’s hard sometimes, because my ankles are swollen, I can’t actually touch my toes, and I sweat in crevices I never even knew I had. But when I get to say things like ‘Woah! My dogs are barking,’ or do a big laugh that makes my whole body jiggle, it’s incredible. And honestly, it’s powerful.” At press time, Drysdale had retracted her statements after she gave birth and doctors informed her that she had gained 70 pounds.

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Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in…

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KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in history by casting his likeness on our great nation’s largest bowling memorial,” said National Park Service deputy director David Vela, echoing the feelings of shock and joy experienced across the nation after news broke that 95-year-old Carter had achieved the rare feat by bowling a strike in every frame. “It’s been over a century since we last added Theodore Roosevelt’s face to the design. Of course, Bill Clinton was close, but he was disqualified for using bumpers. But Jimmy Carter’s historic game belongs to the ages now, and only time will tell if another American leader can live up to the standard again.” At press time, the National Park Service was making plans to erect a second obelisk near the Washington Monument after President Carter reportedly scored a perfect 10.0 on his gymnastics vault routine.

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CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the…

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ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the ruthless efficiency at which the coronavirus can spread, we’re advising all Americans that wearing a face mask over your mouth is insufficient to fully protect yourself from any particularly wily strains of the virus sneaking up behind you and catching you unaware,” said CDC principal deputy director Anne Schuchat, explaining that the coronavirus was a notoriously sneaky disease and put anyone who didn’t adequately safeguard their back and the sides of their body at imminent risk. “Look, this is a disease that plays dirty, and in that respect, it’s much worse than SARS. You’ll need to have all your wits about you if you intend to stay one step ahead of its wicked grasp. You never know when it could creep silently behind you and infect you from the rear, which is why the CDC recommends that in addition to wearing a face mask on the back of your head, you always sit facing the entrance of any room you’re in with your back to the wall. We also strongly caution all Americans to look at any mirror they pass by in case the coronavirus is trying to trail them, and also to wear another face mask on top of your head to shield against aerial attacks.” CDC officials also recommended singing loudly, wearing strings of bells around your neck, or frequently blowing an air horn in an effort to scare off any coronavirus that might be lingering nearby. 

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‘You Should Put Your Name On The Karaoke List!’ Reports Greedy, Gluttonous Hunger For Strangers’ Approval

BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at…

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BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at the bar even though you don’t know them? They would love that,” said the endless chorus of voracious voices swirling around your brain, urging you to make a little wisecrack during the song’s 16-bar instrumental break. “You should sway around and thrust your pelvis at the crowd for a little bit. That’s it. Now spin the microphone by the cord. Wait, you’re losing them—hurry up and try to get everyone to clap their hands. Next time, pick a song that really shows off your vocal range, like the one from Titantic.” At press time, the cacophonous screams that drive your need to be accepted reportedly quieted down to whisper, murmuring that it will never happen.

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CEO Of Robotics Corporation Tells Sobbing Andrew Yang That He Was His Greatest Creation

WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics, reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation. “I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your memories…

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WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics, reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation. “I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your memories from your life before the campaign were simply constructed narratives implanted into your neural processor,” said Tresswell, urging Yang to take pride in the tremendous technological advances that he’d helped bring into existence. “I’ve watched you with such delight as, with each presidential debate, you became more sophisticated, more emotive, more human. Don’t fret, my sweet Andrew, for though you failed to become the nominee, you have achieved something far greater, my son.” At press time, an anguished Yang had reportedly crushed Tresswell’s skull with his bare hands before fleeing through the rain-drenched streets of D.C.

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Fox News Producer Knows His Work Formulaic But At Least It Helps People Escape Reality For Couple Hours

NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started…

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NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started out in this industry, I had more ambitious goals, but at the end of the day, people just want to zone out and enjoy the diversion provided by a purely imaginary world,” said Peterson, adding that as long as he’s telling the stories his audience wants to hear, he feels as though he’s doing his job and making a difference. “I know some of our storylines—for example, the one about the anti-racist protesters in Charlottesville actually being paid actors hired by a PR firm—aren’t very convincing, but just because a plot is far-fetched doesn’t mean it isn’t enjoyable for people to watch. And what’s wrong with giving people something they like? Many of our viewers are getting on in years, and I think they find solace in familiar characters and story arcs, even if they do tend to be a little derivative of the president’s Twitter account.” Peterson’s went on to confirm that he doesn’t often watch his network’s programming at home, preferring to spend his free time watching the news instead.

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Resigned Nutritionists Now Recommend Eating 3 Servings A Day Of Mice Or Bark Or Whatever

ITHACA, NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat, an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation’s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever. “As far as we’re concerned, you people can swallow…

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ITHACA, NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat, an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation’s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever. “As far as we’re concerned, you people can swallow ping-pong balls whole—we don’t give a shit,” said Professor Marie Barrow of Cornell University’s Division of Nutritional Science, who shrugged as she suggested Americans maintain balanced portions sizes of insects, batteries, house cats, small kitchen appliances, or anything else they want to try cramming indiscriminately down their throats. “We’ve spent our careers providing you with carefully researched advice, but obviously no one is listening. So go outside and eat handfuls of grass and dirt, if you’d like. Or just keep your mouth open and see what lands in it. When you’re eating that much, you’re bound to run into some vitamins by chance, eventually.” The nutritionists then reiterated that Americans should try to limit themselves to three meals day, unless of course they’re rather have four, or five, or 15, because obviously no one fucking cares anymore.

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Moderates Worry Klobuchar Splitting People-Who-Will-Vote-For-Anybody Vote

NEW YORK—Noting that the Minnesota senator could be a potential “spoiler at the convention,” FiveThiryEight released a report Wednesday finding that moderate Democrats were worried Amy Klobuchar could split the crucial people-who-will-vote-for-anybody vote. “Klobuchar has a real path to the nomination if she can lock…

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NEW YORK—Noting that the Minnesota senator could be a potential “spoiler at the convention,” FiveThiryEight released a report Wednesday finding that moderate Democrats were worried Amy Klobuchar could split the crucial people-who-will-vote-for-anybody vote. “Klobuchar has a real path to the nomination if she can lock down this constituency of voters who just kind of support anyone whose name they heard recently,” said editor-in-chief Nate Silver, referring to the demographic as the Democratic party’s most consistent voting base. “We all expected Biden to consolidate this group, but he has surprisingly struggled to connect with people who don’t really want to consider why they’re casting a vote. Instead, it’s Klobuchar who looks to be the one speaking to their issues—which are vague and ill-defined. She’s definitely an appealing choice for Democrats who blindly vote for any random candidate with a ‘D’ next to their name.” The report concluded by citing Hilary Clinton’s stronghold over the voting block on her path to the 2016 nomination. 

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Gaming Is Finally Growing Up: This Xbox One Is Wearing A Suit And Tie

Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child’s play—an immature distraction from the more “serious” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world. But it’s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up, because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie!

Yup,…

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Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child’s play—an immature distraction from the more “serious” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world. But it’s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up, because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie!

Yup, readers. This right here is the clearest sign yet that gaming isn’t just for kids anymore.

Boy, we wish we could see the stunned looks on critics’ faces when they get a load of Microsoft’s console attired in a smart Brooks Brothers suit and silk tie, and realize everything they’ve thought about video games has been dead wrong. What’s even sweeter is that the Xbox’s leather briefcase leaves no room for the argument that novels or films are the only adult form of storytelling anymore. And is that a tasteful pocket square we see in the console’s Blu-ray drive? Well, well, well.

Of course, we’d argue that we’ve already had countless moments in the 60-year history of video games that settled this argument, such as when a PlayStation 2 was spotted wearing a phone headset in a drab office cubicle or when a pair of Sega Saturns was seen at their kitchen table agonizing over prenup agreements. However, none of that matters now that this mature console and its sophisticated work ensemble have put this silly debate to rest once and for all!

So listen up, gamers: next time some detractor starts disparaging your life passion as childish or shallow, you just point them in the direction of this Xbox One and its responsible, stylish business outfit. We’re pretty sure that will shut them up for good.

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‘He’s A Cop,’ Say Bernie Backers, Withdrawing Support After Realizing Candidate Vying To Be Commander In Chief

NEW YORK—Expressing disappointment that the longtime senator was “just another part of the establishment,” once-vocal supporters of Bernie Sanders withdrew their backing for the presidential candidate Monday after realizing he was vying to become commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces. “Bernie talks a big game…

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NEW YORK—Expressing disappointment that the longtime senator was “just another part of the establishment,” once-vocal supporters of Bernie Sanders withdrew their backing for the presidential candidate Monday after realizing he was vying to become commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces. “Bernie talks a big game about being progressive, but he also wants to lead the world’s largest military? No thanks, pig,” said Brooklyn-based campaign volunteer Masha Ariely, expressing the sentiments of many former Sanders proponents who derided the White House hopeful as a “dirty cop” for seeking to wield the strength of a vast global superpower with a nearly $700 billion annual defense budget. “I was pretty excited for Medicare For All, but not if it means I have to vote for a guy who’s going to be giving orders at the Pentagon. We’re talking about an organization complicit in torture at Abu Ghraib, massacres in Vietnam, and a whole slew of war crimes going back to the Mexican–American War. Clearly Bernie is some sort of plant.” At press time, sources confirmed Sanders’ remaining supporters had trickled away after they discovered the avowed anti-billionaire candidate apparently nursed hopes of moving into the nation’s 132-room executive mansion.

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Poll Finds Bloomberg Trailing Among Young Black Males He’s Already Thrown In Prison

HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting continued challenges in the former New York City mayor’s quest for the presidential nomination, a new poll conducted by Quinnipiac University found that Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg was trailing his rivals among young black males he’s already thrown into prison. “Bloomberg is continuing…

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HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting continued challenges in the former New York City mayor’s quest for the presidential nomination, a new poll conducted by Quinnipiac University found that Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg was trailing his rivals among young black males he’s already thrown into prison. “Bloomberg is continuing to perform poorly among African American men who were between 16 and 25 years old when they were arrested for possession of marijuana during his tenure as mayor of New York,” said lead pollster Nadia Bresner, confirming that fewer than 2% of survey respondents who were still serving prison sentences as a result of stop-and-frisk policies named Bloomberg as one of their top three favorite candidates. “These numbers suggest that these individuals strongly connected to other candidates’ policies of not having them detained and incarcerated based on their race. It remains to be seen if Bloomberg can bridge the gap of minorities he allowed to be terrorized by the police with another multimillion-dollar TV ad buy.” Bresner added that not all the poll numbers were bad for Bloomberg, noting that he was still beating Pete Buttigieg among young black men the mayor of South Bend had thrown into prison.

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‘It’s Time To Go, Mr. Stone,’ Says Ski-Masked William Barr After Running Prison Bus Off Road

WASHINGTON—Smashing through the glass of the back window before prying open the door, a ski-masked William Barr reportedly told Roger Stone that it was time to go Tuesday after running the convicted felon’s prison bus off the road. “Looks like there’s been a change of plans,” said the attorney general, firing his…

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WASHINGTON—Smashing through the glass of the back window before prying open the door, a ski-masked William Barr reportedly told Roger Stone that it was time to go Tuesday after running the convicted felon’s prison bus off the road. “Looks like there’s been a change of plans,” said the attorney general, firing his sawed-off shotgun at Stone’s restraints in order to free him before spinning around and blasting a prison guard in the face at point-blank range. “You’ve got some friends in high places, Mr. Stone. I have some new passports for you and a change of clothes in the car. Don’t worry, if we can make it to D.C., we’ve got a nice, comfortable spot for you to wait it out until the heat is off, but we gotta move fast.” At press time, after an injured prison guard began struggling to his feet, Barr reportedly told him “Let Adam Schiff know what you saw here” before ramming him in the forehead with the butt of his shotgun.

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