Animal Rights Win: KFC Has Announced That They Will Now Serve Their Chickens Alive

It’s a depressing reality that every year, billions of animals are killed just to satisfy the world’s never-ending appetite for fast food, but one popular restaurant chain is making a major change to help put an end to this senseless slaughter. KFC has announced that from now on, 100% of the chickens served in their…

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It’s a depressing reality that every year, billions of animals are killed just to satisfy the world’s never-ending appetite for fast food, but one popular restaurant chain is making a major change to help put an end to this senseless slaughter. KFC has announced that from now on, 100% of the chickens served in their restaurants will be alive.

Wow. What an incredibly compassionate move by KFC!

Beginning this week, KFC will suspend the killing and cooking of its chickens before serving them, making them the first fast food restaurant in history to leave the choice to cruelly kill and butcher their meals completely up to their customers. KFC’s menu remains the same, but customers who order any item on that menu will now receive a live chicken along with enough batter, seasoning, and oil to cook all of them to crispy perfection, should they so choose.

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“KFC will no longer be participating in the senseless destruction of animal life,” read a press release sent out by KFC announcing their new policy. “However, customers are welcome to borrow our knives and use our bathroom sinks if they want to behead their live birds and pluck them for dinner. We won’t compromise on our commitment to ending animal suffering, but we also won’t compromise on flavor; our birds will be just as succulent and plump as they’ve always been. But the choice to end an animal’s life for the momentary pleasure of a tasty dinner is now yours to make.”

This is a major victory for animal rights! Creating a compassionate world may seem hopeless due to humanity’s voracious appetite for meat, but KFC’s decision to no longer kill their chickens before they serve them gives hope that the world is moving in the right direction. Here’s hoping other fast food chains follow KFC’s lead and start serving their animals alive as well!

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After Journalist Mocks KFC Proposal, Brands Offer Couple The Wedding Of Their Dreams

While we are hesitant to praise our capitalist overlords, sometimes brands come together to make some seriously wholesome magic happen. Journalist @butterfly_anele shared a tweet mocking a proposal she witnessed at a South African KFC, the couple went viral – and brands took notice. Businesses ranging from Woolworths to Coca-Cola began offering the twosome goodies for the wedding day. A Twitter-wide search began, and after KFC South Africa found the lovebirds, further offers arrived – from designers offering traditional wedding garb and diamond rings. The wholesomeness is almost too much to take, and while we’re sure the brands had publicity in mind, the couple in question must be over the moon. Here’s to good news for a change.

While we are hesitant to praise our capitalist overlords, sometimes brands come together to make some seriously wholesome magic happen. Journalist @butterfly_anele shared a tweet mocking a proposal she witnessed at a South African KFC, the couple went viral – and brands took notice. Businesses ranging from Woolworths to Coca-Cola began offering the twosome goodies for the wedding day. A Twitter-wide search began, and after KFC South Africa found the lovebirds, further offers arrived – from designers offering traditional wedding garb and diamond rings. The wholesomeness is almost too much to take, and while we’re sure the brands had publicity in mind, the couple in question must be over the moon. Here’s to good news for a change.

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KFC’s Dating Sim Has Twitter Both Horny & Confused

KFC announced yesterday that they are releasing a dating sim game on Steam and people on Twitter are responding both incredulously and lustfully at the news. The game, called I Love You Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator, is set for a September 24th release, and features Japanese-style animation, as well as an unsettlingly hot depiction of a young Colonel Sanders. 

According to KFC, the game features multiple hours of gameplay, recipes, and a secret ending. Players will be able to choose one of nine characters to attend culinary school with the fried chicken zaddy, in the hopes of becoming his business partner or, uh, lover. We’ll admit that the premise of this game is somewhat disturbing, but we’re both intrigued and weirdly into the animated Sanders. According to these Twitter reactions, we’re definitely not alone. 

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Efficiency Win! All The Major Fried Chicken Chains Have Collectively Agreed To Start Selling Fried Pelican Instead Of Chicken Because They Can Just Find Pelicans For Free Outside

Some of the biggest names in fast food just announced a brilliant new plan aimed at maintaining profitability while keeping prices low: All the major fried chicken chains in the U.S. have collectively agreed to start selling fried pelican instead of chicken because they can just find pelicans for free outside.

Genius! They’ll be teaching this in business schools for years to come.

In a joint statement released this morning, a group of more than a dozen prominent fried chicken chains including KFC, Popeyes, Chick-Fil-A, and Zaxby’s, revealed that moving forward, they will be adopting pelican meat as their primary protein, as there are loads of pelicans wandering around in America’s parks and swamplands, totally free for the taking, that can be easily rounded up in U-Hauls and efficiently slaughtered with baseball bats.

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Altogether the move will save the chains billions of dollars a year in wholesale poultry costs, making it a no-brainer from a financial standpoint. And by coordinating a simultaneous transition from chicken to pelican meat across all the major chicken restaurant chains, it will encourage consumers to quickly adapt to the change, as chicken meat will no longer be available to them at a fast food price point.

“We are excited to share that, after years of shouldering the exorbitant costs of raising and processing chickens, America’s fried chicken restaurants are now going 100% pelican,” the statement read. “Pelicans are very slow and stupid, making it incredibly easy to just walk up to them and stuff them in a duffel bag, which is how we will source them for our restaurants now. Pelicans have a lot more meat on them than chickens, meaning we’ll be able to get much more mileage out of every bird, and once they are deep-fried and seasoned, consumers will hardly notice the acrid, oily flavor you get from birds raised on fish- and litter-based diets.”

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“Now, instead of consumers paying $2.50 for a measly chicken breast that earns the restaurant $.06 in profit, consumers can pay $2.50 for a pelican breast the size of a catcher’s mitt that generates over $2 in profit,” the statement continued. “It’s a win-win for everyone.”

The move will likely be welcomed by animal rights groups, who have long criticized the restaurants for their industrial poultry operations but will now be hard-pressed to find any ethical qualms with the sourcing of pelicans, as they are free-range birds that have been raised in the wild and are far too ugly to feel sympathy for. Additionally, having guys catch pelicans in a park is exponentially better for the environment than factory farming, making it a huge win for the planet as well.

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Wow! It’s too bad they didn’t think to do this years ago.

It’s hard to see this as anything but a good thing in virtually every single regard. Kudos to these restaurants for not only coming up with this amazing idea but also uniting together to implement it. We can’t wait to hit up our local chicken chain for an eight-piece bucket of delicious fried pelican!

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