Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in…

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KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in history by casting his likeness on our great nation’s largest bowling memorial,” said National Park Service deputy director David Vela, echoing the feelings of shock and joy experienced across the nation after news broke that 95-year-old Carter had achieved the rare feat by bowling a strike in every frame. “It’s been over a century since we last added Theodore Roosevelt’s face to the design. Of course, Bill Clinton was close, but he was disqualified for using bumpers. But Jimmy Carter’s historic game belongs to the ages now, and only time will tell if another American leader can live up to the standard again.” At press time, the National Park Service was making plans to erect a second obelisk near the Washington Monument after President Carter reportedly scored a perfect 10.0 on his gymnastics vault routine.

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Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too

PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday he would spend the remainder of his life educating people about the fact that men, too, routinely suffer from urinary tract infections. “This isn’t just an issue that…

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PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday he would spend the remainder of his life educating people about the fact that men, too, routinely suffer from urinary tract infections. “This isn’t just an issue that affects women: Every urethra is delicate and susceptible, with roughly one in 10 men contracting a UTI at some point during their life,” said the 39th president of the United States, confirming he would immediately sever ties with Habitat for Humanity and terminate the Carter Center’s long-running program to eradicate Guinea worm disease in order to focus solely on the promotion of healthy male urinary tracts. “This painful affliction is often misdiagnosed, so if you feel a sharp burning sensation when urinating or notice an unfamiliar discharge in your urine, make sure you get tested. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and there’s no reason to live in discomfort when treatment is readily available. They give you some pills and it clears right up.” At press time, Carter was reportedly going from stall door to stall door in a public men’s room, where he urged occupants to reduce their risk of a UTI by drinking plenty of fluids and keeping the tip of their penis clean and dry.

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Tiny, Rejuvenated Jimmy Carter Emerges From Pile Of Ashes After Aged Ex-President Bursts Into Flames

ATLANTA—Rising triumphantly from a sudden swirl of golden light that had consumed his former ailing body, a tiny, rejuvenated President Jimmy Carter emerged from a pile of ashes Tuesday after the aged ex-president’s past incarnation burst into flames. “Behold! I am born anew!” the 6-inch-tall former president…

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ATLANTA—Rising triumphantly from a sudden swirl of golden light that had consumed his former ailing body, a tiny, rejuvenated President Jimmy Carter emerged from a pile of ashes Tuesday after the aged ex-president’s past incarnation burst into flames. “Behold! I am born anew!” the 6-inch-tall former president proclaimed in a high-pitched voice, raising his minuscule, youthful hands in exultation from the glowing embers as he announced that his appearance heralded “a new dawn” in affordable housing, peacekeeping, and guinea worm eradication. “From these restoring flames, I shall usher in an eternal age of peacekeeping and independence from foreign oil markets. So has it been for the past century-long cycle of Jimmy Carterdom, and so shall it be for all time.” At press time, the miniature 39th president’s decree had been cut short after an enormous rabbit abruptly emerged from a nearby forest and dragged the squealing reborn world leader into a burrow.

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The Lawsuit Of The Century: Jimmy Carter Is Suing The Makers of Truck Nutz For Using His Likeness After Discovering Their Products Resemble His Testicles Exactly

A major legal battle is underway between a beloved American icon and the company he believes wronged him: Jimmy Carter is suing the makers of Truck Nutz for using his likeness without authorization after discovering their products resemble his testicles exactly.

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A major legal battle is underway between a beloved American icon and the company he believes wronged him: Jimmy Carter is suing the makers of Truck Nutz for using his likeness without authorization after discovering their products resemble his testicles exactly.

Wow, this is sure to be a lawsuit that will take years to resolve.

President Carter filed a lawsuit Monday against Truck Nutz, the company that manufactures plastic and chrome genitalia that consumers can hang on their vehicles, for allegedly appropriating the image of his swinging, teardrop shaped scrotum without his permission and using it for their products, Truck Nutz and Biker Ballz. Carter’s lawsuit accuses Truck Nutz of false endorsement and deceptive trade practices, and Carter’s lawyers have reported that when the former president looks at any Truck Nutz product, he “feels like he’s looking at his hairless ballsack in the mirror.”

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There’s no two ways about it: This is shaping up to be one of the most contentious court cases of the century.

“If Truck Nutz had simply called me up in advance and asked for my permission to use my testicles as the model for their product, I would have eagerly allowed them to copy my balls for free,” President Carter said in an impassioned statement to the press outside Webster County Superior Court shortly after filing his lawsuit. “Instead, this malicious company used the image of my testicles without asking, and they made them way too big. They took my nice, modest testicles and made them humongous. They look like giant clones of my tiny testes! I’m not just mad that they took my likeness, I’m also furious that they made my balls too big!”

Mr. Carter, who has since been preparing for the Oct. 5 court date by combing through his records for pictures of his balls circa 1999 so that he can enter them into evidence in the courtroom, will be representing himself.

What a mess! It’s now up to a judge to decide whether the likeness of Jimmy Carter’s testicles are indeed hanging from thousands of trucks across the nation. Truck Nutz better lawyer up, because it sounds like President Carter is out for blood!

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Secret Service Opens Fire On Section Of Slippery Floor That Attempted To Take Out President Carter

PLAINS, GA—Responding with deadly force to a threat that left the 39th president of the United States in the hospital, Secret Service agents confirmed they opened fire Monday evening on an expanse of slippery flooring that had made an attempt on the life of Jimmy Carter in his own home. “It’s unclear how a hostile…

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PLAINS, GA—Responding with deadly force to a threat that left the 39th president of the United States in the hospital, Secret Service agents confirmed they opened fire Monday evening on an expanse of slippery flooring that had made an attempt on the life of Jimmy Carter in his own home. “It’s unclear how a hostile patch of slick tile managed to get so close to President Carter, but upon identifying the wet spot that caused him to fall, we immediately began shooting,” said agent Joseph Pena, who according to federal officials put his own safety on the line, heroically throwing himself atop what appeared to be a juice spill to prevent it from doing any more harm to the 95-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner. “In the heat of the altercation, there were unfortunately some casualties, with an innocent table lamp lost after taking friendly fire. We are proud to report, however, that the tile that wounded President Carter has been permanently neutralized and no longer poses any danger.” In response to the incident, the Secret Service has reportedly added personnel to Carter’s security detail, assigning separate agents to individually patrol every surface of the former president’s home.

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