How Unemployment Benefits Work

Over 6 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits last week, and the last three weeks have seen the largest rise in unemployment claims in U.S. history, with many people now embroiled for the first time in an often confusing process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how unemployment benefits work.

Read more…

Illustration for article titled How Unemployment Benefits Work

Over 6 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits last week, and the last three weeks have seen the largest rise in unemployment claims in U.S. history, with many people now embroiled for the first time in an often confusing process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how unemployment benefits work.

Advertisement


STEP 1: Lose your fucking job.


STEP 2: Google location to ensure you file in correct state.


STEP 3: Show proof of unemployment status by displaying empty pockets.


STEP 4: Friend who once applied for unemployment tells you all the ways you did it wrong.


STEP 5: Qualifying applicants required to submit weekly claims detailing deepest, darkest secrets to be used as collateral.

Advertisement


STEP 6: Unemployment office employee gets big “DENIED” stamp ready.


STEP 7: Confirm you’ve been spending minimum of 26 hours per day looking for new job.

Advertisement


STEP 8: Another multi-week waiting period thrown in somewhere around here.


STEP 9: Unable to navigate complicated unemployment system, instead start GoFundMe page.

Advertisement


STEP 10: Receive huge check to spend on frivolities like groceries and electric bills.

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

Famous Artists and The Pets Who Inspired Them (Infographics)

Many artists throughout history had a furry friend who they adored, and who even appeared in much of their famous works.

Invaluable created a fun infographic on famous artists and their pets, the bond they shared and how each influenced their careers.

Many artists throughout history had a furry friend who they adored, and who even appeared in much of their famous works.

Invaluable created a fun infographic on famous artists and their pets, the bond they shared and how each influenced their careers.

Source Pheromones

‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms

As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.

Read more…

Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms

As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.


Chinese Virus:

Trump, among others, has adopted the preferred term of race scientists


Personal Protective Equipment:

Outmoded medical wear such as masks, gloves, and gowns that fell out of favor with fashion-conscious manufacturers over the past decade

Advertisement


Zoonotic Disease:

Disease that can be passed between humans and animals, not that we’re trying to imply anything about what you were doing when you caught it


Lockdown:

The final track on Less Than Jake’s seminal 1996 album Losing Streak


Pandemic:

According to the World Health Organization, a disease that affects the United States and potentially other places

Advertisement


Reverse transcription polymerase chain reaction:

Self-explanatory


Ventilator:

Legendary, mysterious apparatus that can only be found by the most intrepid adventurers

Advertisement


R0:

Pronounced “r-nought,” a statistic that represents the contagiousness of a disease. For example, the coronavirus follows a classic pyramid R0, in which the disease ropes in individuals to contract it by assuring them they’ll earn a share of the lives of any individuals they, in turn, infect.

Advertisement


Shelter In Place:

Stop what you’re doing and make a fort


Case Fatality Rate:

Death rate, which varies by age group, geography, and a government’s capacity to give a shit

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

Tips For Getting Started On ‘Persona 5 Royal’

As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation, Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre, an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation, dungeon crawling, and role-playing. And with its latest iteration, the game gets remastered and reimagined in…

Read more…

Illustration for article titled Tips For Getting Started On ‘Persona 5 Royal’

As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation, Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre, an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation, dungeon crawling, and role-playing. And with its latest iteration, the game gets remastered and reimagined in the best possible way. Here are tips for getting started on Persona 5 Royal.


Persona 5 Royal should take a little over 100 hours, which given recent circumstances, means you should be done with it in six days.

Advertisement


The classroom trivia questions grant useful stat bonuses if you get them right, so don’t feel guilty pausing the game to enter a 4-year bachelor’s program in Meiji-era Japanese literature if there’s something you don’t know.


Throughout the game, you’ll have the option of either summoning your Persona—an extravagant physical manifestation of your subconscious desires—or just smoking a little pot and chilling the fuck out for a second.

Advertisement


Double-tap R2 during combat to quickly change the game to something that doesn’t look like an anime when a friend walks in.

Advertisement


If you’re worried about encountering the game’s critically reviled and offensive LGBTQ caricatures, don’t worry! The developers wisely chose to remove them and replace them with heterosexual men.

Advertisement


With an additional semester-long storyline, a new character to get to know, and a whole new area of the map to explore, there’s just enough new content to justify paying full price for a game you’ve already played.

Advertisement


You might be tempted to share this game’s enjoyable, jazzy soundtrack with friends, but before you do, consider how you might react if someone shared video game music or jazz music with you. Now combine those two. See?

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

Pros And Cons Of CBD For Pets

One recent survey found that about 10% of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol, one of the active ingredients in marijuana. Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits, while opponents warn that doing so can have unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet.

Read more…

Illustration for article titled Pros And Cons Of CBD For Pets

One recent survey found that about 10% of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol, one of the active ingredients in marijuana. Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits, while opponents warn that doing so can have unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet.


PRO

Goldfish could really stand to mellow the fuck out.

One CBD treat lasts, like, 21 hours in dog years.

Could reduce dogs’ irrational anxiety around being locked in a crate all day.

Pam tried this and said it worked pretty well.

Pets are going to try it regardless, so it’s best they get it from you.


CON

Dog could become dependent on you.

Having to tell your friends.

CBD regulated almost as poorly as pet food.

What are you doing, that shit’s expensive!

No matter how much you share, they’ll never throw in for the next bag.

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about

Read more…

Illustration for article titled Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about Half-Life: Alyx.


Alyx is outfitted with gravity gloves that allow her to grab virtually anything in her environment, ranging from a cardboard box to a larger cardboard box

Advertisement


The game is compatible with the Valve Index, Oculus Rift, or a large box placed over one’s head, for particularly imaginative gamers


This is the first installment in the Half-Life series since 2007’s kart racer Half Life Nitro Boost and its 2012 sequel Half-Life Grand Prix

Advertisement


Taking a short break every few hours will allow you to avoid motion sickness and give you time to justify how this experience was possibly worth a $749 purchase

Advertisement


The game uses breakthrough VR technology to allow gamers to enter the immersive world of pretty much a game released in 2004

Advertisement


Before getting too deep into the gameplay, users should make sure to calibrate the game’s settings by indicating whether you will play sitting or standing and letting the game analyze the precise location of their erogenous zones

Advertisement


The game does not feature multiplayer, but given that you’re one of the only fucking idiots who shelled out for a virtual reality headset, this really isn’t a problem

Advertisement


Finally, remember that no matter how glowing the reviews for this title are, virtually every gamer out there doesn’t have the right equipment to actually play this game and they almost certainly never will

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of…

Read more…

Illustration for article titled The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of social distancing.


DO: Go for a walk every day to remind yourself how outside used to be.


DON’T: Eat any food that hasn’t first gone through at least one cycle in a washing machine.

Advertisement


DO: Shop for groceries at an off-peak time, such as a month ago.


DON’T: Feel any pressure to self-isolate until more of your favorite celebrities test positive.

Advertisement


DO: Calmly remind your kids that this is all temporary, so they shouldn’t get used to spending quality time with you.

Advertisement


DON’T: Beat yourself up for going out on St. Patrick’s Day despite ample warnings and directly contributing to the deaths of five grandmas.

Advertisement


DO: Avoid serious introspection into your flaws as a friend, partner, and human.


DON’T: Think that this will be over anytime soon.

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

How U.S. Organizations Are Responding To The Coronavirus Outbreak

As the coronavirus spreads through the United States, organizations from local businesses to multinational firms are figuring out how to cope with the effects of Covid-19’s spread on employees, consumers, and business partners. The Onion takes a look at how different organizations are responding to the coronavirus…

Read more…

Illustration for article titled How U.S. Organizations Are Responding To The Coronavirus Outbreak

As the coronavirus spreads through the United States, organizations from local businesses to multinational firms are figuring out how to cope with the effects of Covid-19’s spread on employees, consumers, and business partners. The Onion takes a look at how different organizations are responding to the coronavirus outbreak.


In-N-Out Burger: Adding immune-boosting essential oils to fry bins


Grubhub: Reminding drivers to wash all food before delivering it


NFL: Issuing virus a $50,000 fine


Motel 6: Flipping the mattress


Postmates: Customers can opt for non-contact deliveries to avoid attributing any humanity to delivery drivers

Advertisement


Zoom Video Conferencing: Watching the money roll in the door


Lyft: Slightly less horrible version of whatever Uber is doing


American Airlines: Preventing airborne spread of virus by regularly depressurizing planes mid-flight


Dave & Buster’s: Leaving it up to you if you think all this is worth the risk


All Your Favorite Brands: Considering the health and safety of both their valued employees and loyal customers to be their utmost priority

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

Key Priorities For Trump’s Reelection Campaign

President Donald Trump will receive the Republican Party’s nomination for president, and his reelection campaign against his eventual Democratic challenger is already well underway. The Onion takes a look at the key priorities for Trump going into his reelection campaign.

Read more…

Illustration for article titled Key Priorities For Trump’s Reelection Campaign

President Donald Trump will receive the Republican Party’s nomination for president, and his reelection campaign against his eventual Democratic challenger is already well underway. The Onion takes a look at the key priorities for Trump going into his reelection campaign.


Remind voters of achievements from first 10 years in office.


Renew broadly popular campaign tactics like humiliating Ted Cruz and his family.


Just the right amount of God.


Expand electoral map beyond GOP’s usual voter-suppression strongholds.


Appeal to immigrant communities by saying he was just kidding.


Massive campaign of graft, nepotism, and conflicts of interest has worked so far.

Advertisement


Check if anyone’s compiled credible evidence of corruption to use against Joe Biden.


Maintain steady flow of marginally related words during speeches.


Tout ability to work across aisle with Democrats on raising defense budgets, hurting American workers, and confirming Supreme Court justices.

Advertisement


Try not to take whole thing too seriously and just have fun with it.

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

Worst Pandemics In Global History

The spread of Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has reached every continent except Antarctica, with a death toll surpassing 3,000, and the World Health Organization announced that countries should prepare for a global pandemic. The Onion takes a look at the worst disease pandemics in world history.

Read more…

Illustration for article titled Worst Pandemics In Global History

The spread of Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has reached every continent except Antarctica, with a death toll surpassing 3,000, and the World Health Organization announced that countries should prepare for a global pandemic. The Onion takes a look at the worst disease pandemics in world history.


Plague Of Justinian (541-542):

The deadly virus devastated Mediterranean port cities, dealing a fatal blow to the lucrative bacterium trade.

Advertisement


The Black Death (1346-1353):

Bubonic plague killed between 75 million and 200 million people due to rats stubbornly refusing to vaccinate their children.


Third Cholera Pandemic (1846-1860):

The deadliest of the famous cholera outbreaks, the third cholera pandemic is a reminder to not let your guard down just because most of your loved ones already died in the first two rounds of a disease.

Advertisement


Flu Pandemic (1889-1890):

The last widespread devastation wrought by God’s wrath before researchers finally discovered the cure in 1894.

Advertisement


Sixth Cholera Pandemic (1899-1923):

Derivative and uninspired.


Flu Pandemic (1968):

Killed 1 million people and left millions more victims with chest congestion and a sore throat.

Advertisement


HIV/AIDS (1981-Present):

Despite its large death toll and continued devastation, advancements in treatment have allowed many of those infected to lead equally meaningless lives as those without the virus.

Advertisement


Swine Flu (2009-2010):

Thankfully, pigs have mostly recovered from this massive PR disaster that claimed around 250,000 lives.

Advertisement

Source Pheromones

Myth Vs. Fact: Stop-And-Frisk Policy

Michael Bloomberg’s Democratic presidential candidacy has shown the spotlight on stop-and-frisk policing policies, which he supported while New York City mayor and which remain a subject of controversy. The Onion debunks well-known myths about stop-and-frisk.

Read more…

Michael Bloomberg’s Democratic presidential candidacy has shown the spotlight on stop-and-frisk policing policies, which he supported while New York City mayor and which remain a subject of controversy. The Onion debunks well-known myths about stop-and-frisk.


MYTH: Black people and Latinos were unfairly targeted.

FACT: Police had no way of knowing if targeting minorities was fair or not until they frisked them.

Advertisement


MYTH: NYPD officers knowingly violated citizens’ constitutional rights.

FACT: Only a handful of cops have read the Constitution.


MYTH: Bloomberg invented stop-and-frisk.

FACT: He merely agreed with it, significantly ramped up its use for over a decade, and fought against its removal.

Advertisement


MYTH: Stop-and-frisk has served Greater New York for over 100 years with unbeatable deals on everything from fresh produce to tasty snacks.

Advertisement

FACT: That’s Stop & Shop.


MYTH: Stop-and-frisk makes New York citizens feel safer.

FACT: Stop-and-frisk makes Midwestern tourists feel safer.


MYTH: Officers were given quotas to fulfill.

FACT: How can you quantify an officer’s need to feel strong and powerful?


MYTH: The program ended in 2013.

FACT: They just don’t have a name for it now.


MYTH: It was a failed program that disproportionately affected people of color.

FACT: The program worked exactly as intended.

Advertisement

Source

‘Robert The Otter’s Insightful Guide On How To Handle The Coronavirus Anxiety

It’s no secret that people are getting more and more anxious everyday, reading all those scary headlines about the coronavirus. 

Even Robert was feeling anxious! Until he spoke with his wife and gathered some insight and useful facts. 

Meet Robert! Robert lives an ordinary life, earns an ordinary salary and works hard to support his family. 

Oh, and Robert is an otter. 

“Robert the Otter” may seem like a cutesy facade, but he has proven to be aware of what’s happening in the world, and offer another perspective. The newest comic by the Singapore artist is making waves, for a good reason. If you’re feeling anxious, maybe take a moment and read what “Robert the Otter” has to say. 

It’s no secret that people are getting more and more anxious everyday, reading all those scary headlines about the coronavirus. 

Even Robert was feeling anxious! Until he spoke with his wife and gathered some insight and useful facts. 

Meet Robert! Robert lives an ordinary life, earns an ordinary salary and works hard to support his family. 

Oh, and Robert is an otter. 

“Robert the Otter” may seem like a cutesy facade, but he has proven to be aware of what’s happening in the world, and offer another perspective. The newest comic by the Singapore artist is making waves, for a good reason. If you’re feeling anxious, maybe take a moment and read what “Robert the Otter” has to say. 

Source

Greatest Video Game Weapons Of All Time

Iconic video games are often defined by their unforgettable weapons. Whether it’s the Leviathan Axe in God of War or Cloud’s Ultima Weapon in Final Fantasy VII, there’s something uniquely satisfying about getting your hands on a game’s definitive weapon and laying waste to enemies. Here, then, are the greatest video…

Read more…

Iconic video games are often defined by their unforgettable weapons. Whether it’s the Leviathan Axe in God of War or Cloud’s Ultima Weapon in Final Fantasy VII, there’s something uniquely satisfying about getting your hands on a game’s definitive weapon and laying waste to enemies. Here, then, are the greatest video game weapons of all time.


Fire Flower (Super Mario Bros.):

This power-up is not only famous for granting Mario the ability to shoot fireballs but also for the unskippable cutscene triggered every time it’s picked up where Mario smashes its petals to a pulp and smears them all over his body in a traditional Italian flame ceremony.

Advertisement


Guns (Doom):

While the original Doom’s introduction of metal tubes that propel smaller chunks of metal with controlled explosions may have seemed novel at the time, the franchise’s signature weapons have since been copied by virtually every first-person shooter.


Pox Blankets (Banjo-Kazooie):

While never shown on screen, it was heavily hinted several times throughout the game that Banjo sent pox blankets to Gruntilda in order to weaken her legions and ultimately destroy her civilization.

Advertisement


Golden Gun (GoldenEye 64):

The titular weapon from Ian Fleming’s The Man With The Golden Gun was altered in the N64 classic to be capable of the unthinkable: killing a person with a single bullet.

Advertisement


Gravity Gun (Half-Life 2):

This weapon represented a breakthrough in video game physics, allowing players to pick up and manipulate any object in the game except for all the ones it didn’t work on.

Advertisement


Fabrique Nationale M249 Squad Automatic Weapon (Counter-Strike and others):

While a staple of many realistic shooters, this gun’s true utility is to our men and women in uniform out in the real world, helping them take down the forces that threaten the security of everyday Americans like us. And that’s what truly makes this one of the greatest weapons of our time.

Advertisement


Lighting Bolt (Mario Kart):

Of all the retrievable weapons available in the racing game, the Lightning Bolt is the only one with the ability to make all other players in the room emit an audible groan simultaneously.

Advertisement


Friendship (Every Game):

It doesn’t matter what game you’re playing. As long as you’re having a good time with your friends, you can’t lose.

Advertisement

Source

Effects Of The #MeToo Movement

The conviction of film producer Harvey Weinstein for a criminal sex act and rape has brought the spotlight back to the #MeToo movement to hold powerful men accountable for their mistreatment of women. The Onion looks at the most significant effects of the #MeToo movement.

Read more…

The conviction of film producer Harvey Weinstein for a criminal sex act and rape has brought the spotlight back to the #MeToo movement to hold powerful men accountable for their mistreatment of women. The Onion looks at the most significant effects of the #MeToo movement.


Workplaces theoretically safer places to be a woman.


Young adults forced to start awkward conversations about consent with their parents.


Women becoming dangerously less aware of how much prettier they look when they smile.


Thousands of billable hours for defense lawyers.


Women emboldened by option of being smeared by powerful predator in lengthy, vicious court battle.

Advertisement


Police at least feel little bit guilty about all the untested rape kits.


Women working in hospitality, culinary, and manufacturing industries patiently wait turn for Vanity Fair cover.

Advertisement


Recognizing it was pretty strange how you shook three men’s hands, but gave Karen a hug.

Advertisement


Legacy of The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature tarnished forever by presence of Weinstein Company logo.

Advertisement

Source

Pros And Cons Of Banning Peanuts In Schools

More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.

Read more…

More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.


PRO

Lets bullies learn valuable lesson about how pranking allergic kids with peanuts actually very dangerous.

Advertisement

Less chance of attracting elephants.

Nothing else in school system to fix.

Additional reason to randomly search bags.

Janitors don’t have to clean up as many deceased children.


CON

Unfair to genetically superior children.

Banning peanuts will only make elementary school peanut black market grow even stronger.

Death of classmate typically gets you at least a half day.

Most teachers only make enough money to afford peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch.

Advertisement

Actually much safer to allow trained teachers to concealed-carry peanuts.

Source

The Most Unforgettable Video Game Levels Of All Time

There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the…

Read more…

There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the greatest video game levels of all time.


Mario Kart 64, Rainbow Road:

This level offers gamers the quintessential Mario Kart experience of selecting Toad, driving off the track, and plummeting into the empty void that surrounds in hopes that it will kill this foul mushroom-headed beast, only to be disappointed as he returns yet again.

Advertisement


Halo, The Library:

Perhaps the most iconic level in one of history’s greatest first-person shooters, where Master Chief must fight off a horde of alien zombies called the Flood through the titular Library so he can return his copy of Simone de Beauvoir’s The Ethics of Ambiguity.

Advertisement


Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, No Russian:

While earlier games like Crash Bandicoot may have beaten this title to the punch by forcing gamers to participate in the mass shooting of civilians, we can all agree that Modern Warfare 2 performed this emotional gut punch in a way that will never be forgotten.

Advertisement


Half-Life 2, “We Don’t Go To Ravenholm…”:

The title of this legendary level is so ominous that we’ve never worked up the courage to play it, threw away our copy of the game, and will begin loudly whimpering if anyone so much as mentions it.

Advertisement


The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time, Water Temple:

This water-logged puzzle dungeon was certainly frustrating at times, but nothing could beat the feeling of satisfaction that came with buying a licensed walkthrough from Nintendo and doing exactly what it said for 45 minutes straight.

Advertisement


Grand Theft Auto IV: Three Leaf Clover:

The bank heist to end all bank heists. This level nailed every detail, from the exact model of police helicopters used by NYPD to the sensitive bank documents that contained several Rockstar programmers’ real Social Security numbers.

Advertisement


Frogger, Level 3:

Focusing on the fast-moving cars, disappearing logs, and snapping crocodiles becomes all the more difficult after Frogger’s wife calls and tells him she’s been thinking a lot recently, and they should talk when he gets home.

Advertisement

Source

A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal

The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.

Read more…

The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.


Stipulates at least 62.5% of all North Americans must be cars.


U.S.–Canada cow swap every other Saturday in Minnesota.


Both NAFTA and USMCA contain same number of vowels to make transition as smooth as possible.

Advertisement


Cash only.


Removes NAFTA’s hated truck nut tariff.


Significantly strengthens labor violations.


Intellectual property copyright terms extended to 70 years as personal favor to Jim Davis.


Completely revamps legal definition of what constitutes refried beans.


Agreement must be revisited in six years, no matter how cringey it is for the countries to look back at what they wrote when they were younger.

Advertisement

Source

Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion

Read more…

Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of abolishing the Senate.


PRO

Founders devised Senate several generations before anyone could have even conceived of Oklahoma

Advertisement

Haven’t abolished anything in a while

Senate building could make for some nice new downtown lofts

Could lead to formation of fun new legislative body with cool name like The Assembly or The Council of Elders


CON

Senate serves as a safety valve in case democracy functioning too well

Would be mean after Founding Fathers put so much work into it

Kind of terrifying to think about what Mitch McConnell would get up to in private sector

Advertisement

Derails career track for children of current senators 

Source

Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die

Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more…

Read more…

Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more metaphysical questions about the nature of the afterlife, and what exactly it will be like after our souls leave our bodies. Here are a few of the biggest details we’re dying to know about the upcoming Square Enix blockbuster, and a few big questions we here at OGN still have about what happens to us after we die.


Will the classic Final Fantasy 7 story be kept intact?

Director Tetsuya Nomura has insisted that they don’t want the new Final Fantasy to just be a 1:1 remake of the original, and that some aspects of the story have been updated for more modern and sophisticated audiences. That being said, most of the major plot points are expected to remain the same, and fans should look forward to enjoying most of their favorite moments with Cloud, Red XIII, and Tifa.

Advertisement


After death, will we get to see all our family and friends who have passed away from the mortal world?

We hope the answer to this one is a resounding “Yes” because it would be really sad otherwise. Even if heaven is a great place, we wouldn’t want to have an afterlife where we are all alone or didn’t know the people around us. It is comforting to think of being reunited with our loved ones, but we don’t know if it is true or just wishful thinking.


What changes will be made to the turn-based combat system?

In what may be the biggest change from the classic game, it seems the old turn-based combat system is being overhauled with a more action-oriented system similar to Final Fantasy 15. As you attack, dodge, and block in real time, players will fill up a meter to execute special moves. It seems like an interesting mash-up of the old ’90s system and newer RPGs, although players who wish to will be able to opt for an entirely turn-based version of the classic system.

Advertisement


Will we exist as fully formed humans up there? Or is it only our spirit which shall live on?

Advertisement

Specifically what we’re concerned about here is whether you walk around in the afterlife realm, perhaps hand-in-hand with a spouse or loved one? Will you still have a face and a body, or is the afterlife just a place for our minds, like a state of being that’s impossible to imagine with our earthly minds?


Is Hell real?

We here at OGN all like to think we are good people, but the concept of Hell is still frightening. It seems cruel to sentence a flawed human being to an eternity of suffering when we are all flawed in some way. Still, shouldn’t there be some punishment for evil as well? It wouldn’t be fair for everyone to end up in the same place no matter how we lived. Can there be good without evil? Light without darkness? And what sort of just all-powerful creator would knowingly create human beings who can commit horrendous acts of violence and then punish them for exactly those deeds?

Advertisement


How big will the final game be?

This is one of the most burning questions out there for gamers, and thankfully we’ve gotten confirmation that the remake is so huge it will be split up into multiple entries. That’s right, these redesigned areas are apparently massive reimagining, with the first release taking place entirely within the city of Midgar. That’s a huge game!

Advertisement


Can you eat and drink in the afterlife?

It would be sad to never eat a nice fresh-baked loaf of bread or a chocolate bar again, but if you could eat and drink would that mean you also get hungry? We would hate not having coffee for all eternity. Maybe you can eat and drink however much you want and never get full? This actually opens up a lot more questions.

Advertisement


Will our pets be there?

We miss our dog, Oreo, a lot and would want to see her again. It’s scary to think of passing away, but it’s much easier if we know she’s waiting up there for us with that big happy smile on her face.

Advertisement

Source