Pros And Cons Of Banning Peanuts In Schools

More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.

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More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.


PRO

Lets bullies learn valuable lesson about how pranking allergic kids with peanuts actually very dangerous.

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Less chance of attracting elephants.

Nothing else in school system to fix.

Additional reason to randomly search bags.

Janitors don’t have to clean up as many deceased children.


CON

Unfair to genetically superior children.

Banning peanuts will only make elementary school peanut black market grow even stronger.

Death of classmate typically gets you at least a half day.

Most teachers only make enough money to afford peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch.

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Actually much safer to allow trained teachers to concealed-carry peanuts.

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The Most Unforgettable Video Game Levels Of All Time

There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the…

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There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the greatest video game levels of all time.


Mario Kart 64, Rainbow Road:

This level offers gamers the quintessential Mario Kart experience of selecting Toad, driving off the track, and plummeting into the empty void that surrounds in hopes that it will kill this foul mushroom-headed beast, only to be disappointed as he returns yet again.

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Halo, The Library:

Perhaps the most iconic level in one of history’s greatest first-person shooters, where Master Chief must fight off a horde of alien zombies called the Flood through the titular Library so he can return his copy of Simone de Beauvoir’s The Ethics of Ambiguity.

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Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, No Russian:

While earlier games like Crash Bandicoot may have beaten this title to the punch by forcing gamers to participate in the mass shooting of civilians, we can all agree that Modern Warfare 2 performed this emotional gut punch in a way that will never be forgotten.

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Half-Life 2, “We Don’t Go To Ravenholm…”:

The title of this legendary level is so ominous that we’ve never worked up the courage to play it, threw away our copy of the game, and will begin loudly whimpering if anyone so much as mentions it.

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The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time, Water Temple:

This water-logged puzzle dungeon was certainly frustrating at times, but nothing could beat the feeling of satisfaction that came with buying a licensed walkthrough from Nintendo and doing exactly what it said for 45 minutes straight.

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Grand Theft Auto IV: Three Leaf Clover:

The bank heist to end all bank heists. This level nailed every detail, from the exact model of police helicopters used by NYPD to the sensitive bank documents that contained several Rockstar programmers’ real Social Security numbers.

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Frogger, Level 3:

Focusing on the fast-moving cars, disappearing logs, and snapping crocodiles becomes all the more difficult after Frogger’s wife calls and tells him she’s been thinking a lot recently, and they should talk when he gets home.

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A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal

The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.

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The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.


Stipulates at least 62.5% of all North Americans must be cars.


U.S.–Canada cow swap every other Saturday in Minnesota.


Both NAFTA and USMCA contain same number of vowels to make transition as smooth as possible.

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Cash only.


Removes NAFTA’s hated truck nut tariff.


Significantly strengthens labor violations.


Intellectual property copyright terms extended to 70 years as personal favor to Jim Davis.


Completely revamps legal definition of what constitutes refried beans.


Agreement must be revisited in six years, no matter how cringey it is for the countries to look back at what they wrote when they were younger.

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Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion

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Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of abolishing the Senate.


PRO

Founders devised Senate several generations before anyone could have even conceived of Oklahoma

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Haven’t abolished anything in a while

Senate building could make for some nice new downtown lofts

Could lead to formation of fun new legislative body with cool name like The Assembly or The Council of Elders


CON

Senate serves as a safety valve in case democracy functioning too well

Would be mean after Founding Fathers put so much work into it

Kind of terrifying to think about what Mitch McConnell would get up to in private sector

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Derails career track for children of current senators 

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Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die

Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more…

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Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more metaphysical questions about the nature of the afterlife, and what exactly it will be like after our souls leave our bodies. Here are a few of the biggest details we’re dying to know about the upcoming Square Enix blockbuster, and a few big questions we here at OGN still have about what happens to us after we die.


Will the classic Final Fantasy 7 story be kept intact?

Director Tetsuya Nomura has insisted that they don’t want the new Final Fantasy to just be a 1:1 remake of the original, and that some aspects of the story have been updated for more modern and sophisticated audiences. That being said, most of the major plot points are expected to remain the same, and fans should look forward to enjoying most of their favorite moments with Cloud, Red XIII, and Tifa.

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After death, will we get to see all our family and friends who have passed away from the mortal world?

We hope the answer to this one is a resounding “Yes” because it would be really sad otherwise. Even if heaven is a great place, we wouldn’t want to have an afterlife where we are all alone or didn’t know the people around us. It is comforting to think of being reunited with our loved ones, but we don’t know if it is true or just wishful thinking.


What changes will be made to the turn-based combat system?

In what may be the biggest change from the classic game, it seems the old turn-based combat system is being overhauled with a more action-oriented system similar to Final Fantasy 15. As you attack, dodge, and block in real time, players will fill up a meter to execute special moves. It seems like an interesting mash-up of the old ’90s system and newer RPGs, although players who wish to will be able to opt for an entirely turn-based version of the classic system.

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Will we exist as fully formed humans up there? Or is it only our spirit which shall live on?

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Specifically what we’re concerned about here is whether you walk around in the afterlife realm, perhaps hand-in-hand with a spouse or loved one? Will you still have a face and a body, or is the afterlife just a place for our minds, like a state of being that’s impossible to imagine with our earthly minds?


Is Hell real?

We here at OGN all like to think we are good people, but the concept of Hell is still frightening. It seems cruel to sentence a flawed human being to an eternity of suffering when we are all flawed in some way. Still, shouldn’t there be some punishment for evil as well? It wouldn’t be fair for everyone to end up in the same place no matter how we lived. Can there be good without evil? Light without darkness? And what sort of just all-powerful creator would knowingly create human beings who can commit horrendous acts of violence and then punish them for exactly those deeds?

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How big will the final game be?

This is one of the most burning questions out there for gamers, and thankfully we’ve gotten confirmation that the remake is so huge it will be split up into multiple entries. That’s right, these redesigned areas are apparently massive reimagining, with the first release taking place entirely within the city of Midgar. That’s a huge game!

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Can you eat and drink in the afterlife?

It would be sad to never eat a nice fresh-baked loaf of bread or a chocolate bar again, but if you could eat and drink would that mean you also get hungry? We would hate not having coffee for all eternity. Maybe you can eat and drink however much you want and never get full? This actually opens up a lot more questions.

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Will our pets be there?

We miss our dog, Oreo, a lot and would want to see her again. It’s scary to think of passing away, but it’s much easier if we know she’s waiting up there for us with that big happy smile on her face.

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Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries

The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.

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The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.


Exit polls indicated there at least 283,440 people in New Hampshire.


Suspicious lack of technical difficulties.


Bernie Sanders loses to Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg in key battle for second and third place.

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Deval Patrick and Michael Bennet bested by “Other.”


Cold rain and common sense not deterring 154 people from leaving home to vote for Cory Booker.


Buttigieg unable to carry momentum from preemptively declaring victory in Iowa to preemptively declaring victory in other states.

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If you ask the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings to turn on the New Hampshire primaries for you, he’ll give you a look, but he’ll still do it.

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Elizabeth Warren struggles to shore up support among people who have made up minds to vote for another candidate.

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Tom Steyer had a nice time with his friends.


Vote goes in, gets counted. Simple as that, Iowa.

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Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle

The Iowa caucuses, where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election, became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction. The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle.

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The Iowa caucuses, where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election, became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction. The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle.


Friday, July 5, 1776, 5:01 AM:

Iowa caucuses system implemented on first day of America.


Tuesday, Jan. 7, 2020, 8:27 PM:

Democratic National Committee’s plan to sabotage caucuses finalized.


Thursday, Jan. 30, 3:26 PM:

For-profit tech company Shadow assures DNC that election app cost millions of dollars.

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Sunday, Feb. 2, 8:01 AM:

Iowa precinct chairs downloading app unknowingly release all personal data to Shadow.


Monday, Feb. 3, 6:30 PM:

Thousands of Iowans kiss families goodbye for last time before entering designated caucus locations.

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Monday, Feb. 3, 10:23 PM:

Border precincts yell into Nebraska to see if anyone there can help with app.


Monday, Feb. 3, 11:38 PM:

Denver resident Amy Stanton’s friends leave her to clean up mess after her caucus viewing party totally ruined by lack of results.

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Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:01 AM:

Pete Buttigieg begins assembling cabinet.


Tuesday, Feb. 4, 1:19 PM:

Media declares Iowa caucuses incredibly significant symbol of irrelevance.


Tuesday, Feb. 4, 4:13 PM:

DNC official Googles rules of rounding decimal numbers for 10,000th time of day.


Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:02 PM:

Joe Biden takes consolation in fact that Iowa’s embarrassment eclipses his.


Wednesday, Feb. 5, 10:09 AM:

Iowa Democratic Party announces plan to trickle out information about single vote every day for next 17,000 months.

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Wednesday, Feb. 5, 5:12 PM:

Marion, IA resident Terry Walker begins to lose faith in Bernie Sanders’ ability to accurately convey how little political establishment cares about voters.

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Thursday, Feb. 6, 11:20 AM:

Democratic Party officials scrambling to find someone less qualified to do Tom Perez’s job.

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Thursday, Feb. 6, 8:30 PM:

Election officials hail intractable first-place tie between Sanders and Buttigieg as victory for more voters than ever before.

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Friday, Feb. 7, 4:02 PM:

Fuck it, Tom Steyer declares victory too.

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The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions

The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday, Jan. 26, honoring the best artists, albums, and songs from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for the 2020 Grammy Awards.

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The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday, Jan. 26, honoring the best artists, albums, and songs from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for the 2020 Grammy Awards.


The Lion King: The Gift (Best Pop Vocal Album):

A Grammy win was part of the deal Beyoncé signed when she joined the Lion King remake.

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Lizzo (Best New Artist):

Proof that overnight success is possible seven years after your debut album.


Norman Fucking Rockwell (Album of the Year):

Grammy voters hope giving the award to Lana Del Rey’s album will make up for their notorious refusal to award a Grammy to Norman Rockwell during his life.


“Happy Days, Lonely Nights” (Best Campfire Performance By A Guy Who Can’t Really Play A Guitar):

Even though his guitar was really out of tune and he kept screwing up the F barre chord, Tim Langdon gave his all to his audience, disinterested Boy Scout Troop 244.

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El Mal Querer (Best Latin Rock, Urban or Alternative Album):

You got a better guess?


“Bad Guy” (Song Of The Year):

Billie Eilish’s smash hit showed music fans that whispering isn’t dead.


Becoming (Best Spoken Word Album):

Look, Michelle Obama reading her book into a microphone is obviously going to win, but what’s our definition of “album,” here, exactly?

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“Old Town Road” (Record Of The Year):

The genre-bending hit sparked a national conversation about what can be classified as country music and whether anything means anything and what we’re all even doing here on this melting rock hurtling through space.

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The Boeing 747 Turns 50

In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.

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In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.


September 30, 1968:

Boeing designs 747 after engineers envision an airplane, only big.


February 9, 1969:

First successful test flight with monkeys flying plane.


January 21, 1970:

Ahead of first commercial flight, Boeing executives place bets on potential casualties.

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January 22, 1970:

To ease passengers’ nerves on the first commercial 747 flight, takeoff is delayed for seven hours.


August 3, 1971:

Boeing revolutionizes commercial air travel again by adding seats to all 747s.


July 18, 1985:

10,000th bird sucked into Boeing 747 engine.


February 2, 1990:

A 747 becomes Air Force One, comfortably seating over 400 presidents.


January 18, 2005:

Airbus A380 passes the 747 as world’s largest civilian airplane by adding a spire on top.

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January 28, 2015:

U.S. Air Force announces next presidential aircraft will be a very, very, unbelievably fucking expensive Boeing 747.

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2019:

Oh wait, that was a different kind of Boeing plane that crashed. The 747 is still good.

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History Of The U.S. Census

The U.S. Census, which is conducted every 10 years, will be conducted in 2020, and the process of documenting American citizens is not without its share of historical issues and controversies. The Onion takes a look at important moments in the history of the U.S. census.

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The U.S. Census, which is conducted every 10 years, will be conducted in 2020, and the process of documenting American citizens is not without its share of historical issues and controversies. The Onion takes a look at important moments in the history of the U.S. census.


1790:

First census taken by show of hands.


1840:

With the census falling on a day many Americans were vacationing out of the country, U.S. population recorded as 95.

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1870:

American Indians first enumerated in census after centuries-long effort to get population down to manageable number.


1880:

Federal marshals who previously collected census data replaced by professional enumerators who knew thousands of additional numbers.

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1930:

Census Bureau begins asking questions about unemployment, prompting officials to receive record number of business ideas that just need little investment boost to really take off.

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1940:

Second gender option added.


1970:

After heavy pressure from constituent groups, Census officially stops counting individuals over 6’4” as two people.

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1990:

First census to ask respondents their biggest turn-ons and turn-offs.


2010:

Bilingual questionnaires introduced in effort to increase rate of return by Hispanic and overachieving households.

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2012:

According to census data, white births no longer majority in U.S. due to shadow genocide perpetuated by Barack Obama and George Soros.

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Pros And Cons Of Economic Sanctions

Economic sanctions, in which a country levies financial penalties against another country, entity, or person, are at the center of tense U.S.–Iran relations, and their use in general is a matter of significant debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of economic sanctions.

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Economic sanctions, in which a country levies financial penalties against another country, entity, or person, are at the center of tense U.S.–Iran relations, and their use in general is a matter of significant debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of economic sanctions.


PRO

Something to say you tried before starting the war you were planning anyway.

Shows populace consequences for insisting on being born powerless in dictatorship.

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More difficult to quantify deaths they cause than straight-up war.

Just nice to have something to announce every once in a while.


Only harms people without power to retaliate.


CON

Innocent money drawn into other parties’ conflict.

Probably involve at least some math.

Damn it. We wanted to travel there one day. Shit.

Denies thousands of citizens sweet taste of Pepsi Max.

Not as satisfying to invade country whose citizens already sick and starving to death.

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Tips For Displaying Artwork In Your Home

Whether it’s a child’s drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.

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Whether it’s a child’s drawing or an expensive piece, artwork can really make a difference in how a home looks and feels. The Onion offers tips for displaying works of art in your home.


Avoid damage from sunlight by hanging paintings facing the wall.


Present a mix of small and large canvases so guests will think you know what you’re doing.

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Cheap art can look great as long as you display it in an expensive house.


The one on the left is a little crooked.


Choose a theme for your decorations, such as “cool” or “pretty.”


Create juxtaposition within your collection by asking the ugliest person you know to constantly hold up your best piece.


Think you can handle a measuring tape, tough guy?


If you’re looking to score some free art, most galleries toss all their unused works in the dumpster at the end of the day.

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Cut out the middleman by simply displaying cash.

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Recycling: Myth Vs. Fact

Recycling has been practiced for most of human history, and over the last several decades, it has become a cornerstone in the fight against environmental degradation, but many myths about it persist. The Onion debunks common myths about recycling.

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Recycling has been practiced for most of human history, and over the last several decades, it has become a cornerstone in the fight against environmental degradation, but many myths about it persist. The Onion debunks common myths about recycling.


MYTH: Most people have a general idea of the rules of recycling.

FACT: The average individual has ruined at least 50 loads of recycling with a greasy napkin.

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MYTH: Recycling protects wildlife.

FACT: Recycling coddles wildlife and prevents evolution to their ultimate form.


MYTH: Your office has a robust recycling program, at least.

FACT: Nah, it all goes in a dumpster.


MYTH: You need to wash your recyclables before disposing of them.

FACT: You need to wash then steam-dry then iron your recyclables before disposing of them.


MYTH: Wait, you don’t recycle in your house?

FACT: Try the door under the sink that looks like a cabinet.


MYTH: Old glass bottles can be recycled as repurposed gifts.

FACT: No one actually wants that.


MYTH: Recycling wastes water.

FACT: Only if you consider using millions of gallons of water to melt down old milk jugs into single-use plastics “wasteful.”

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MYTH: Recycling is the most important way to help the environment.

FACT: Everyone has been sleeping on Reduce and Reuse, and this world will rue the day when their reckoning is upon us.

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Pros And Cons Of Social Media Banning Political Ads

Twitter recently announced a ban on political advertising, adding fuel to the debate of whether social media should allow campaign ads and how claims made in those ads might be regulated. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of social media banning political ads.

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Twitter recently announced a ban on political advertising, adding fuel to the debate of whether social media should allow campaign ads and how claims made in those ads might be regulated. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of social media banning political ads.


Pro

Encourages candidates to exploit more traditional forms of media. 

Quite clearly opposite of what Mark Zuckerberg wants.

Politicians still free to post thirst traps on personal accounts.

Look on Hillary Clinton’s face if we started that now.


Con

All that personal data collected for nothing.

Got few extra Twitter followers from dunking on Biden campaign slogan.

Lack of politics is a political statement, man.

Having to watch these psychopaths try to do normal-person stuff on Instagram instead.  

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Best PS4 Games Out Right Now

Since its launch back in 2013, the PS4 has gone on to host a veritable treasure trove of classic titles, positioning itself as the reigning champ for hardcore and casual gamers alike. But where should a new owner start? After much debate, here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games out now for the PS4.

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Since its launch back in 2013, the PS4 has gone on to host a veritable treasure trove of classic titles, positioning itself as the reigning champ for hardcore and casual gamers alike. But where should a new owner start? After much debate, here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games out now for the PS4.


Rocket League:

The idea of “soccer but for cars” would probably get you executed in most countries, but—thanks to the freedoms Americans enjoy and the bravery of the developers at Psyonix—it works wonderfully here. In fact, for liberty-minded gamers who want to experience exactly what Americans have to lose, Rocket League is a must-play.

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Monster Hunter: World:

An expansion to the moderately successful Monster Hunter: Indianapolis, this game really opens up once players unlock the toll tag to explore beyond I-465.


The Witness:

Jonathan Blow’s open-world masterpiece perfectly captures the childlike joy that comes with spending two hours googling puzzle solutions.

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Red Dead Redemption 2:

There is no game currently on the market that does a better job recreating the undeniable thrill of saving up money for a new haircut.

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God Of War:

This classic almost didn’t get made, but production was allowed to continue after it was made clear to God and the rest of the Holy Trinity that this game did not make light of His benevolent grace.

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Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain:

You’ll be moved by this game, you’ll enjoy the innovative stealth combat, you’ll love the character’s development, and you’ll shut the game off immediately if your father comes in the room, goddamnit. He’s exhausted after a long day at the smelting plant and just wants to relax without your little toys aggravating him.

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Mortal Kombat 11:

An incredible take on the classic’s brutal formula that gets even more morbid when you consider the original game’s sprite character models have all almost certainly died of old age.

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The Legend of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild:

Easily the best game of 2017 is still available on PS4 with the affordable purchase of an affordable PS4-To-Switch adapter for $19.99.

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Timeline Of Andrew Johnson’s Impeachment

The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump has renewed focus on that of Andrew Johnson, the 17th U.S. president and the first to be impeached by the House. The Onion takes a look back at the timeline of President Johnson’s impeachment.

The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump has renewed focus on that of Andrew Johnson, the 17th U.S. president and the first to be impeached by the House. The Onion takes a look back at the timeline of President Johnson’s impeachment.


June 8, 1864:

Johnson selected as Abraham Lincoln’s running mate to balance ticket with someone who would completely fuck up post–Civil War reconstruction.

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February 22, 1866:

Johnson endears self to Congress by expressing firm belief that Civil War just one big misunderstanding and nothing really needs to change.


March 1, 1867:

Johnson sets out to be impeached after realizing it only way we’d still be talking about him today.

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February 21, 1868:

Johnson’s unlawful removal of Edwin Stanton as secretary of war without congressional consent sets important precedent for impeaching president on very specific technicality instead of overarching project of oppression and violence.

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February 24, 1868:

House impeaches Johnson for “high crimes and misdemeanors,” a clear and specific designation everyone immediately understands.

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February 25, 1868:

Johnson’s mugshot taken.


April 9, 1868:

Johnson goes around handing out series of pamphlets about key participants in impeachment trial during their statements.

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April 11, 1868:

Democrat opposition subpoenas Abraham Lincoln’s corpse in reference to claims that it was his fault for dying in first place.

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May 16, 1868:

Senator Edmund Ross (R-KS) makes still-baffling decision to vote for acquittal because he thinks it right thing to do, rather than because he thinks it will help his political career. He then loses reelection bid like an idiot.

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May 26, 1868:

Senate acquits Johnson of all articles, sending strong message that violating Constitution is fine

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Pros And Cons Of Talking Politics At Work

It’s long been taboo to discuss politics in the workplace, and as the national atmosphere becomes more politically charged, arguments have grown both for and against bringing political discussions to professional settings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of talking politics at work.

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It’s long been taboo to discuss politics in the workplace, and as the national atmosphere becomes more politically charged, arguments have grown both for and against bringing political discussions to professional settings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of talking politics at work.


PRO

Anything to kill a half hour.

Important to know who you’d help during an emergency.

Could use second set of eyes on manifesto.

Less heated than talking about new Star Wars.

It’s what MSNBC is paying you $7 million annually to do.


CON

Finally got your echo chamber just how you like it.

Oof, Steven’s a libertarian.

Could interfere with public image of Supreme Court as nonpartisan.

Boss casually asking if we think Obama from Kenya already more than enough.

Can’t afford to lose this job too.

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Timeline Of Online Advertising

This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.

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This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.


1969:

Researchers at UCLA develop first two-node network to send Coca-Cola ads back and forth.

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1994:

Banner ads finally put stop to users having to print out ads and tape them across top of desktop computer.


1997:

Ethan Zuckerman gets idea for pop-up ads after seeing a man crushed by a billboard.

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1998:

Last time online ad purposefully clicked on.


1999:

First documented instance of horny singles in your area banding together to buy ad space.

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2004:

Man chainsaws all three zombies and wins ringtone.


2006:

Advertisers develop more sophisticated models for hiding X that closes ad.


2008:

Adblock Plus enabled.


2015:

Death of journalism somewhere around here.


2018:

Alexa hears you mention hair loss once and ruins rest of your month on Instagram.

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2019:

Companies now 30% confident they can track efficiency of online advertisements.

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The Worst Snowstorms In U.S. History

As the nation heads into another winter season, the rise of extreme weather means people across the country will be watching out for snowstorms. The Onion takes a look at the worst snowstorms in U.S. history.

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As the nation heads into another winter season, the rise of extreme weather means people across the country will be watching out for snowstorms. The Onion takes a look at the worst snowstorms in U.S. history.


Christmas Snowstorm Of 1831:

Intense snow and cold on Christmas Eve along the Eastern seaboard led to the deaths of dozens of little match girls.

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Great Blizzard Of 1888:

Over 400 people died, but it was 1888, so that kind of stuff probably happened all the time.


White Hurricane Of 1913:

The most devastating storm to ever hit the Great Lakes caused waves as high as 10 meters, which scientists theorize could have been hundreds of feet.

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1940 Armistice Day Blizzard:

A massive snowstorm in the Midwest killed 25 duck hunters in what is very prematurely dubbed the tragedy of the decade.

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Super Bowl Blizzard Of 1975:

The one your dad is always talking about.


Northeastern Blizzard Of 1978:

It took crews 10 years to dig out Rhode Island.


1993 Storm Of The Century:

The blizzard and hurricane would have only caused some property damage had it not tragically coincided with the Bikini Car Wash Of The Century.

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1997 Storm Of Savings:

Residents of Eau Claire, WI were devastated by the gale-force savings at Ace Appliance’s Black Friday sale.

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2010 Snowmageddon:

This crippling blizzard earned its name when President Barack Obama addressed the storm during a meeting and begged for it to bring about Judgment Day at last. 

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