Twitter Is Getting Into The Spooky Spirit With ‘Fake Scary Movie Facts’

We’re knee deep in “Spooky Season“, and though there’s no trick or treating to look forward to, people are still finding myriad ways to celebrate. From binge-watching horror movies to posting skeleton memes, the Halloween spirit is very alive on the internet. On Twitter, users have been flexing their creativity and humor with the hashtag #FakeScaryMovieFacts. It’s pretty self explanatory: come up with a funny or dumb quip regarding your favorite bone-chilling film and then hurl it onto the timeline. While some of the tweets verge on cringe (cough politics cough). others showcase some serious wit. We’ve put all of our favorite examples here for your convenient perusal, but there’s loads more to be found on Twitter. Enjoy the spooky fun while it lasts!

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‘Zoom Dick’ Is Trending On Twitter And The Internet Has Had Enough

Just when you thought this year couldn’t get any more unhinged, if you log on to Twitter right now, you’ll find that ‘Zoom Dick’ is one of the top trending topics. And yes, it’s pretty much what it sounds like. According to VICE, the New Yorker has suspended CNN reporter Jeffrey Toobin after he whipped it out during a Zoom meeting with his colleagues. Toobin claims the indecent exposure was accidental, believing his camera was off at the time. Yikes. 

Many on Twitter are lamenting the fact that we’ll have to add ‘Zoom Dick Incident’ to the big, fat 2020 history books, while others are embracing the absurd event as a distraction from global pandemic, ceaseless wildfires, and electoral shit-shows. To be honest, we’re pretty surprised something like this hasn’t already happened at this point. Here’s how people on Twitter are reacting to The Great Zoom Dick Incident of 2020.

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Text - Trending in United States Zoom Dick The New Yorker has suspended reporter Jeffrey Toobin for exposing himself during a professional Zoom call, Vice reports 20.5K Tweets

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Vintage Christian Hip-Hop Performance Brings The Cringe

If you’ve ever tuned into Evangelical Christian television, you’re already aware of its inherently cringey qualities. But today we’re here to offer up some vintage Christian cringe that feels like something right out of HBO’s The Righteous Gemstones.  The video comes courtesy of Twitter user @RebekaDawn, and it’s an incredible spectacle of awkward snapping, dramatic beats, and some seriously goofy choreography. We’ve included the video below, along with some more wince-worthy Christian rap and some of the more clever and incredulous reactions. Our next move? Probably practicing these dances in the mirror.

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3. THE DISCIPLE SLIDE

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Pope Francis Memes Are Back In A Hilariously Unholy Way

Remember that heavily meme’d image of Pope Francis holding a giant Eucharist wafer in Brazil? Well, it’s back in a big way.  Twitter users have been using the tiled “Please Work” meme format to make it look like the Pope is holding up something other than the body of Christ – often an object that is pretty unholy in nature. 

Though some memers have opted with some predictable “haha, the pope is doing drugs” jokes, others have gotten more creative with their imagery, going with more grisly or absurd humor. While there’s been an unsurprising bit of outrage in the comments, it seems most people are enjoying the goofy and versatile meme for what it is: innocent fun. We’ve put together some of our favorite examples, but you can read more about the format (and its predecessor) over at Know Your Meme.

1. Pope x Yu-Gi-Oh!

2. OMG

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4. It's decorative gourd season, y'all.

5. Controversial

6. Brilliant, but definitely disturbing.

7. We can smell the pretzel from here.

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Assyrian Tablets Are Twitter’s New Favorite Forbidden Snack

Move over, Tide Pods! There’s a new forbidden snack in town. And while they could break your teeth, these Assyrian tablets won’t send you to a premature death or cause your memes to be deleted on Facebook and Instagram. The arguably banal Twitter mania started when @serbiaireland shared a photo of a bowl filled with 4-5,000 year old tablets from Assyria. The tablets (which were once contracts, receipts, and letters) were quickly recognized to bear a striking resemblance to popular cereals. So the comedians of Twitter quickly got to work doing what they do best: making the same joke in ever-so-slightly different ways. 

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2. They do look remarkably similar to some popular cereals.

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12. People are also in disbelief that these tablets are RECEIPTS.

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All The Best Tweets About Clare’s Bachelorette Premiere

We weren’t sure it was going to happen, but the sixteenth season of ABC’s The Bachelorette premiered last night, giving a manicured middle finger to the pandemic. Its star, 39 year old Bachelor alum Clare Crawley, proved that her age wasn’t the only thing setting her apart from the show’s past husband-seekers. Turns out mandatory nose swabs and a stay at La Quinta in Palm Springs are the shows “new normal”. 

The season has already received a lot of attention, mostly from the fact that the entire planet is aware that Tayshia Adams will be taking over for Crawley at some point in the season. It’s the first time a Bachelorette (or Bachelor, for that matter) has handed in the reins. We just hope it’s because Clare finds love. And judging by the first episode, that could be very possible. Crawley was very obviously smitten by Dale Moss, an extremely handsome football player. She even confessed that she may have met her husband after he sauntered away from her and the limo. 

While the chiseled athlete definitely made an impression, we can’t help but feel that Clare might be putting all her eggs into one tall, dark, and handsome basket. This means some serious power-players are being shafted. We’re especially peeved that Blake Moynes isn’t getting as much love as he deserves. He’s a WILDLIFE MANAGER. We have a lot more opinions on the episode – and its zany cast of characters, but these incredible twitter reactions sum up our thoughts pretty damn well. Until next week, y’all. 

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5. Clare got roasted hard for saying she thought she met her husband.

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12. The inevitability of Dale was a hot topic.

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20. We like Blake.

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27. Bennett's bougie Patrick Bateman vibes got a lot of attention

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30. His NAME is ROBBIE ROTTEN

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32. Oh, straightjacket guy.

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34. Pretty much everyone agrees this Tyler C sucks.

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Twitter Thread: Man Recounts Harrowing Tale Of Loss With Unexpected Plot Twists

Every pet-lover dreads the day they’ll have to say goodbye to their furry friend. Well imagine the emotional rollercoaster of losing a pet and then getting them back again! @TalkingSchmidt recently tweeted about the time his family’s cat was found dead…or so they thought. We won’t spoil the surprise for you, but we were totally flipping out about the turn of events. Some of the hilarious reactions to @TalkingSchmidt’s story deserve acknowledgement, so we’ve included our favorite replies from the twitter thread. 

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Text - 00000 Verizon ? 9:06 AM 78% ( Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Yesterday 3:24 PM Dad I've got some bad news. Kitty has been missing since last night. When your mom drove the neighborhood just now, she found her in the street near the house. Your mom is pretty emotional so please reach out when you can and offer your support. Oh no. So sorry to hear this Sister Man. Just got off the phone with her-she's definitely very broken up about it. Give her our love in person when you get

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Text - 00000 Verizon ? 9:06 AM 78% ( Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Yesterday 5:38 PM Dad Well your not going to believe this. After a beautiful burial service and words of remembrance from yours truly. We walked back in the house to begin our post-Kitty life. Out of habit I looked out the back window and guess who was staring back at me? You guessed it. We buried someone else's cat. I guess it's true-cats do have nine lives. Thanks for your kind words. All is better now. Sister is t

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Cat - 00000 Verizon ? 9:06 AM 78% ( Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Would you like a photo? Sister YES What the actual fuck Sister Text Message Send

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Text - 00000 Verizon ? 12:35 PM 73% ( Messages Mom Details Today 12:34 PM Oh, and BTW, I dug up the carcass and took it to our vet and it didn't have a chip in it. Because it's a rabbit. DO NOT tell the world about this. iMessage Q W ERTY U IO P A S D F GHJK L Z X C V B N M 123 space return

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Clever Tweets About Professor X & Questionable Superpowers

As a kid, I often fantasized about having a superpower. It’s true that I may have spent too much time with my older (and male) cousin, but the idea of being “special” like one of Professor X’s mutant wards was an attractive fantasy. Judging by the popularity of X-Men, I probably wasn’t alone in my yearning. The comics and movies, however, have done more than allow people to escape reality via superhero material. Over the last year the X-Men have inspired some seriously clever memes on Twitter – something that’s a bit more relevant to our adult (and extremely online) tastes. 

The memes generally follow the format of Professor X asking about a person’s superpowers. The jokes riff on some pretty unimpressive skills or mutations, and the clever jokes unfold from there. While many of these are a bit less than fresh, the format has been seeing a comeback over the last month. We hope to see more of this smart humor, but in the meantime, we’ve rounded up some of our favorite examples of the meme. Maybe that’s our superpower. 

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Gal Gadot To Play Cleopatra And Twitter Has Mixed Feelings

Deadline announced earlier today that Wonder Woman’s Patty Jenkins and Gal Gadot would be teaming up again to bring a new epic about Cleopatra to life. While the news has been better-received than Gadot’s “Imagine” debacle from the early days of quarantine, not everyone’s happy about the choice. Gadot’s an Israeli with very European heritage, and it seems that many Twitter users feel that casting does a Scarlett Johansson to an Egyptian queen. As some people are crying whitewashing, many have pointed out that by most credible accounts, the fierce ruler was actually of Greek heritage – though her mother’s roots have been heavily debated. As with most Hollywood casting controversies, it seems that everyone has a very important opinion on the matter. You can enjoy (or scoff) at some of them below.

1. Deadline announced earlier that Patty Jenkins and Gal Gadot are teaming up again for a film about Cleopatra.

2. Gal couldn't be happier.

3. A lot of people think this is some classic Hollywood whitewashing.

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7. And some people are taking issue due to Gal's Zionist background.

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9. Others are coming to the casting's defense.

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14. And thankfully for everyone involved, some Twitter users just wanna have fun.

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Twitter Thread Proves People Will Bang To Absolutely Anything

In media, people spend a lot of time setting the mood before doing the nasty. Lighting way too many candles. Queuing up some soulful Barry White-esque grooves. Maybe throwing about some rose petals. Most sex-havers, however, know that’s not how it actually goes. Sometimes when you “Netflix and Chill” the entertainment is less than sexy. And this Twitter thread from @marisagz is a testament to how little people care about the background when they’re ready to get it on. It’s an amusing thread, and definitely left us feeling happy that we’re not the only people who have had sex to something like Shrek.

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‘A Relationship Should Be 50/50’ Tweets Poke Fun At Dating Dynamics

Neither dating nor being in a relationship is always a walk in the park. While hopefully a partnership provides you with intimacy, friendship, and (most importantly) attention – there are almost always little squabbles or partner-specific tics that might irk you. We think it’s important to laugh about that kind of stuff instead of dwell on it, and based on this Twitter meme from the last week, other people seem to agree. 

The tweets follow a format that states “A relationship is 50/50,” which is then followed by a an astute dating observation or a sarcastic joke. While some dudes (and ladies) are using the format to talk up their dating styles, most people are using the meme to poke fun at our slightly toxic tendencies. And we’re totally here for it.

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TikTok McDonald’s Proposal Is A Perfect Example Of Wholesome Cringe

It’s easy to laugh at pretty much anything on TikTok, especially anything involving relationships. But thanks to this garbage fire of a year, we’re a little more accepting of cringe when it somehow manages to give us hope. TikTok user @liltransboykai shared a video that fits the bill yesterday – a clip of his coworker Willow proposing to his partner Akira. The whole thing goes down at work, which for these three happens to be a McDonald’s.The video eventually made its way to Twitter, where users both mocked and praised it with a heavy dose of predictable sass. Though we enjoyed the laugh, we wish these two a happy future. 

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INVEST

funny tweets, funny memes, relationships, dating, streaming

This would save hours of agony.

Submitted by: (via @hello__caitlin)

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Hey Y’all

funny tweet about hurricanes having the same names as waffle house waitstaff

Scattered, smothered, covered.

Submitted by: (via @peter_revello)

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Attacked

funny tweet about how good shakira looks in her 40s

Must be nice to be Shakira.

Submitted by: (via @lidiorojasss)

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King Shit

funny tweet about steve carrell at an auction

That’s a boss move for sure.

Submitted by: (via @donniedoesworld)

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Absolutely Nothing Suspicious To See Here

Funny Twitter meme that reads, "If anyone is planning any illegal activities tonight let me know. I love doing crimes"

Definitely not a narc or anything.

Submitted by: (via youdontevenknowbroke)

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Every Damn Day

funny tweet about losing control of the day

So relatable.

Submitted by: (via @memebase)

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Honestly Though

funny meme about guys named matt

For real.

Submitted by: (via @memebase)

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Well, Life Is Meaningless Anyway

Funny tweet that reads, "This generation is a bit TOO comfortable with going to hell"

F*ck it who cares about anything

Submitted by: (via abbiistabbii)

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And Now It’s, ‘Huh, Maybe I Should Get Off The Computer’

Funny tweet that reads, "Remember in 2004 when you were like 'I'm gonna go on the computer'"

It’s obviously a full-on addiction.

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How Quickly Things Change

funny tweet about advertising in march 2020 vs advertising in august 2020 | Ben Rosen @ben_rosen MARCH COMMERCIAL: during these uncertain times, we're thinking of you and your family AUGUST COMMERCIAL: look you might as well catch it at burger king

Submitted by: (via u/FakeBenson)

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Uh, No Thanks

Funny tweet that reads, "Any geologists or beachcombers out there know what this is, or should I just accept that it's 2020, of course rocks have grown teeth, and move on?" above photos of a rock that appears to have been split in half and is being kept together by a substance that looks like teeth

What other neat little surprises does 2020 have for us?

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At This Point They’re Just Trolling

Funny Twitter meme that reads, "The wealthier you are, the more confusing your sink is" above a photo of a strange-looking sink

Trying to confuse us poors.

Submitted by: (via anlyin)

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Sick Self-Own

Funny tweet that reads, "You're offered $50,000 but if you accept it, the person you hate most in the entire world gets $100,000. Are you taking it?" Someone replies below, "Yes. Why wouldn't I want $150,000"

The best kind of own.

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Such A Dad Move

Funny Twitter meme that reads, "My dad had other ideas..." above photos of a proposal and the woman's dad standing in the background with a sign that reads, "Say no"

Quite the protective father. (Jokes, obviously.)

Submitted by: (via Dragongurl392)

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If it ain’t me

Funny tweet about staying up late as revenge

Submitted by: (via @memebase)

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Quit Buying So Much Avocado Toast

Funny tweet that reads, "Millennials are so SPOILED and ENTITLED; Millennials: is it rude if I ask my employer to pay me"

They just demand everything, don’t they?

Submitted by: (via obtuserubbermoose)

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Superman That Hoe

Funny tweet that makes puns out of Soulja Boy, Dr. Dre, and Adele | Demic Soulja Boy not even a Soldier, Dr. Dre aint even a Doctor. Keep it going! @Mattmateee Adele isn't even a computer

Clever.

Submitted by: (via darkwingduckinatruck)

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Brick? Inside?

Funny tweet from luke mones about exposed brick.

Now that’s what I call interior design. 

Submitted by: (via @memebase)

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Who Is He

Funny meme funny tweet about duck who drank beer and fought dog

We are not worthy.

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What Is This ‘Happy’ You Speak Of?

Funny tweet about a kid who tells his teacher that he wants to be happy when he grows up; teacher says to parents, "We need to talk about your son's unrealistic expectations"

Happiness isn’t real.

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Thirty-Three Random Tidbits We Handpicked For You

With all of the bad sh*t happening in the world right now, we just hope that you’re staying safe and staying sane. To aid in that, we’ve provided some memes for your troubles.

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Cartoon - If you divide 2020 by 5 you get 404, so basically this entire year is an error message. There is a glitch in the matrix. I worry about you sometimes Candace.

2.

Cartoon - George is getting a little too curious. EdHarrington.tumblr.com NCDERGHLJKI Edharmington.to ZAXI OPORSTU

3.

Text - "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby. somee cards user card

4.

Snapshot - T-Mobile 6:06 AM 62% When they tell you Evangelion is stupid Freyja33 • follow ... 5h mium BIC ALT 888 3 44 153 Share

5.

Deer - A deer entered a shop. The owner decided to give him some biscuits. He left...half an hour later he came back with the squad

6.

Font - Xx_SniperZzzxX Skullkid25 FifaFan21 Coolkid11 玩家

7.

Spider-man - lich: casts fly to get away from martial party members eagle barbarian: begins flying because he is angry lich: what in the goddamn fuck

8.

Cat - Army Air Force Me, wondering why the janitor is yelling at me You're not even real military!! H. imgfip.com

9.

Hair - Slayer' fans Slayer's singer R. THE AL TaR

10.

Text - alannamode A fun reminder that Aang was a terrifyingly powerful Avatar. Most Avatars are informed of their newfound destinies at the age of 16 to begin their training. Because of the approaching war Aang was told of his status at the age of 12. He had already mastered airbending, and in the span of a year he mastered the other three elements, the avatar state, and energybending. He also learned lightning redirection and seismic sense (a technique no previous Avatar had even encountered).

11.

Photography - NME ETFLIX THE WITCHER Playstation or Xbox? NME NETFLIX THE WITCHER PC. He is the chosen one. Posted in r/2meirl4meirl O reddit

12.

Text - Andy Woodruff @awoodruff This is a monument to potatoes. It is the best monument in Boston. РОТАТО POTATO РОТАТОES РОТАТО ΡΟΤΑΤΟ . ΡΟΤΤΟES POTATO POTATO РОТАТО POTATOES POTATO PÓTATO POTATO РОТАТО

13.

Bottle - Pi Bu The wheels on TABASCO round and reund ER

14.

Adaptation - Hello there General Kenobi

15.

People - France every time they do a revolution: YEET THE RICH THE NOJUSTICE NO PEC

16.

Text - Someone: *tells me their name* Their name in my brain 7 seconds later: Adios

17.

Sky - When all of your friends are doing massive damage and you miss. again ORD AME

18.

Photo caption - when you drop your phone so you save it by kicking it into the wall nincha

19.

Cartoon - When short people see someone shorter than them O reddit

20.

Nose - Me: I need help with the school presentation My mom: I can't, I'm cooking Me: Just pause it Listen here, you little shit

21.

Head - frightochondria @_audlout this some advanced humor lucy, @curledbitch roses are red,

22.

Dog - When someone has explained something to u 7 times and u still don't get it and u hope they forgive how stupid u are

23.

Text - marvel so the only two white actors in black panther are martin freeman, who played bilbo baggins, and andy serkis, who played gollum. so I guess that means...they're the Tolkien white guys. everywitchway I literally screamed flas this is the pun of the century

24.

Cartoon - Me: "leaving my room to socialize during social gatherings* Family: "Look who finally left their cave!" Me: *Heads back to room to avoid the unnecessary attention and mockery* Family:

25.

Photo caption - "So where are you from?" "Australia, mate." "Really? Prove it." VB

26.

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27.

Fictional character - TA HE CLONE WARS ORIGINAL WARF CN We stand here amidst my achievement, not yours!

28.

Bird - Wizard: "Question: Can my familiar use their action to interact with an object?" DM: "Of cours...why?" Wizard's Familiar: TheArisemi Merredraid

29.

Facial expression - Learn to Make program recursive function Learn to Make program recursive function No exit condition Learn to Make recursive function program No exit condition No eit condition

30.

Text - dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's haunted nasa employee: what? astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

31.

Hair - 2b: *is machine with feelings* Machines she kills: We have feelings too, y'know? 2B:

32.

Peach - 4-5-6Fにて インフト大軍中 を、是非ご覧下さい。 本橋 3月19日(日) 日本 駐車等 日本橋 駐車ご遠盛之ださい また、8時~16時半はバーキングチケットも。 利用できません

33.

Photography - Any real man will spot the problem with this picture. AA there is no number plate on that audi

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Po-tay-toes

Funny tweet that reads, "This is a monument to potatoes. It is the best monument in Boston" above photos of the monument

Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew

Submitted by: (via Eyduria)

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Fifteen Masterful Comebacks That Deserve Our Praise

Comebacks are really their own art form. It takes a lot of quick wit and creativity to think of the perfect way to roast someone, after all. So scroll down for some clever roasts and insults, and then click here for more!

1.

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2.

Text - Donald J. Trump O @realDonaldTrump Schools in our country should be opened ASAP. Much very good information now available. @SteveHiltonx @FoxNews O 124K 2:41 AM - May 25, 2020 58.8K people are talking about this Bill Murray @BillyMurray "Much very good information" is ironically the strongest argument one can have to justify opening schools 9:46 AM - May 26, 2020

3.

Text - They think your haircuts are un-American Well, it was very observant of them because we aren't American, actually

4.

Text - •5mo There should only be two bathroom types.One specifically for me, and another for everyone else. Reply 1.3k . 5mo 1 Award There is. It's called a diaper. 1.0k

5.

Statue - Before being burned alive by the Spaniards, chief Hatuey of the island of Hispanola was asked if he wanted to accept Christianity and go to Heaven. Hatuey asked if Spaniards go to Heaven, to which the priest that they do. Hatuey then stated that he'd rather go to Hell where he wouldn't see such cruel people.

6.

Text - 00000 Virgin ? 13:30 @ 10 60% ( Back More 24 Apr 2014 12:41 Did you fall from heaven...? Because, have sex with me? 24 Apr 2014 13:18 Sorry didn't suffer a head injury during the fall

7.

Text - Millennials aren't buying diamonds - why? RETWEETS LIKES 173 309 MistyKnights TwistOut @Steph_I Will * Follow Too busy filling out job applications that ask them to attach their resume and then enter what's on that same resume on the next page.

8.

Text - Biothickness • 3h I think that's called "desperate," not "bisexual." 1 -58 PerAsperaAdlnfiri • 56m See, bisexuality is that I would have sex with men or women. Desperation would be if I had sex with you 1 13

9.

Text - Chicken pox at 8yrs & shingles around 38yrs I'm still living. No need to vaccinate 180 14h Like Reply View previous replies... One of my mates got hit by a car, he lived. I guess we don't need any of those road safety laws Like Reply O 164 14h

10.

Text - Isaac Haxton @ikepoker Woman in front of me at airport security has a bottle of frozen water. They want to take it. She says it's not a liquid. No, no... She's got a point.

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Text - 1h I'm proud to be an American because at least I know I'm free Reply - 17m · My pepe is slightly below average. Europeans: Guess I'm enslaved then Vote 3m One sec I'm going to go check if the moon has any other flags on it + Vote 7m My pepe is slightly below average. Call me when your moon flag pays your hospital bills.

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Text - I remember getting a phone call at work, a relative told me my dad died. It was unexpected, he was only 49. I was in my early 20's at the time. I started to tear up, one of the "boomers" on my shift told someone else to take me out back so I could "Man-Up" and compose myself so I could finish out my shift. Reply 5.9k ... Vergenbuurg • 4h 3 7 Awards My father was extremely close with his paternal grandmother... she had raised him at a very trying time in his childhood. She died when he was

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Clothing - BIG DADDY Obigdaddyvinz If being cute is a crime, I Deserve to Be ARRESTED AND JAILED FOR 100 YEARS Kushal Krd K.R.D, 100 years ? for a crime you didn't commit ?

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Text - Kristen Bartlett @kristencheeks Meghan, we live in the same building, and I just walked outside. It's fine. Meghan McCain O @MeghanMcCain Jun 2 My neighborhood in Manhattan is eviscerated and looks like a war zone. DeBlasio and Cuomo are an utter disgrace. This is not America. Our leaders have abandoned us and continue to let great American cities burn to the ground and be destroyed. I never could have fathomed this

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Random Weird Memes That Certainly Beat Thumb-Twiddling

Let’s just get this out of the way: 2020 has been the worst year of most of our lives to date. We’re all tired and we don’t want to think anymore. These memes aren’t much, but we hope they’ll help you temporarily recharge your brain!

1.

White - ARE YA WINNING, LOVE SON? SIMON w-what? i said, are you winning, son? i... i know, it's just... that's the first time you've called me "son"

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Text - Clip art - Mom: My little boy is a real angel Her little boy:

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Product - did you schedule an appointment INTU

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Barechested

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Text - Text - Viviane Schwarz @vivschwarz Zoom sucks, we started having editorial meetings in Red Dead Redemption instead. It's nice to sit at the campfire and discuss projects, with the wolves howling out in the night

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JUST OBSERVING ALWAYS SILENT ALWAYS VANISHES WHEN YOU LOOK AT HIM FOR TOO LONG ONLY YOU CAN SEE HIM NO VISIBLE EYES, BUT YOU CAN FEEL HIM IS PROBABLY THE REASON YOU RANDOMLY WAKE UP AT NIGHT LOOKING” title=”” width=”800″ height=”399″/>

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Text - Terrestrial animal - FELLAS if yagir has long legs! dummy thicc thighs and is vegetarian THATSNOT YA CIRL that's Apatosaurus louisae

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Text - lamNOTdead Just tired ugly PLEASE LET ME SLEEP!!! ilyasaurus Reblog if you, too, are not dead- only tired and ugly. duckandorpenguin same

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Food - 4 OPEN Gerbere Baby's first heart attack Gerber BLE Ghost Peppers 4180 7 nd ZFoods NET WT/PESO NETO 4 0Z (113g) TEAR HERE

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Organism - is your feline melting? or he just likes to play with the spacetime continuum

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Suit - ST JOHNS CHURCH PARISH HOUSE She Doesn't Even Go Here

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Text - Land vehicle - TIRES TIRES 20 TIRES 19" RES LOR 18" FALKE 81 UNLOT 17 RES ome IAMTUE END OF THE WORLD TDI GOLF *TEXAS MJG-7674 The Lone Star State

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Text - Cat - New York LIVE 10:51 PM BREAKING NEWS LOCAL CHONKY CAT TELLS TRANSPHOBES TO EAT GLASS Also demands to be told she's pretty made with mematic

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Motor vehicle - Total Social and Economic Collapse OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR

15.

Text - Self help tip: Do one thing a day that scares you. Text someone first. Ask your crush to hang out. Purposefully irritate a wild raccoon. Fuck a cactus. The only one stopping you is yourself.

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Vertebrate - HUP

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Text - Text - Have you ever experienced... BIG BEN

18.

Food - dave just fucking died whos dave the guy we had in our basement ok chesecak chesecak

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Text - Sky - | scream into the void.. @surrealslapps ....and God answers with cosmic laughter

20.

Text - Portrait - When you tap your pockets and you can't feel your phone

21.

Text - Neck - You HAVEN'T TRULY EXPERIENCED TOILET PAPER. UNTIL YOU PHAVE ENJOYED IT IN THE ORIGINAL KLINGON

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Text - sammy @astolfoschild anime is cool cause u can watch characters do stuff that's impossible for u like using magic powers or making friends 3:34 am · 16 May 20 · Twitter for iPhone

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millipedes - jessicaedwardsspellingbee2000 reply with top 5 time periods you fantasize about being in fried-ferret 1-5: Early Cambrian Babey!!!!!!! Source: jessicaedwardsspellingbee2000

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Organism - edgy depressed dumbass bitch Hallucigenia Trilobite Habelia thot Kootenichela đeppi Wawaxia Opabinia Regalis bastard Anomalocaris Helmetia Aysheaia

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Text - Karl Tomlinson @KarlTO Those space X lads aren't due back for a while. Plenty of time for everyone to buy a gorilla suit and learn to ride a horse.

26.

Violet - TIME FOR WRATH

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Text - Text - Chakotay, look at this Icall it "timeout protocol" You'terrify me [mouthing "I'm sorry"] sometimes, Captain.

28.

Organism - millipedes 300 million years ago WILD GREEN MEMES millipedes now I am the largest terrestrial invertebrate of all time and someone touched me so I will now curl up for an hour have few, if any, predators

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Text - Product - what the FUCK is oatmeal

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Cartoon - I'm Sick Of CRYING BREAK Tired Of TRYING BREA Yeah l'm SMILING But Inside l'm DYING

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Adaptation - BIRDS ARE PLANTS LEAFS FRUIT SEED ROOTS WAKE UP SHEEPLE! imgfip.com

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Memes & Tweets For People With Nothing Better To Do

While many things may seem uncertain right now, there’s one thing we can definitely count on: memes. Even as unrest and illness plague the globe, meme-makers and posters are still hard at work giving us the comedy we need to survive. And we’ve got a whole lot of that comedy right here for you.

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Mammal - Me getting out of bed at 7:55 to start working at 8

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Cat - I present you: chonky cat CANKLES

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Cartoon - TONIGHT AT 1. DO00000000000000M!

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Cartoon - you HAVE FORGOTTEN ME SIMBA REMEMBER WHO you ARE... GET THE F@X OUT OF MY CLOUDS REMEMBER SIMBAMA DAD? @GOOFYGODSCOMICS

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Cartoon - CHECK OUT MY HOT NEW ROMPER | AM SO COOL AND ATTRACTIVE SADGIRL POP

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Text - I will bitch about heat. I will bitch about cold. I will bitch about sunshine, and about growing old. I will bitch about everything, inside and out. You will find there is nothing I can't bitch about.

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Roundup Of Amusing Memes To Fill The Void In Your Heart

With all of the crazy sh*t going on in the world right now, we figured you could use a distraction, and that’s where memes come in. They’re our gift to you. You’re welcome.

1.

Dog - BEWARE OF THE DOG

2.

Text - Frank Lotion @702Austin parents: "come here." me: "okay" me to myself: "they know everything. I knew that this would happen. I should have deleted everything" parents: "how do you turn on Netflix?" 10/10/18, 20:42

3.

Human - Me : i will never spend my money on stupid shit again Also me few minutes later : Ahmed@idmsf IPad

4.

Cat - This cat lost vision in one eye, but thanks to modern technology advancements, his vision was repaired

5.

Text - butasparrow: touchmypopsicle: it's kinda funny how when you get older you start to enjoy the things you hated as a kid like taking naps and getting spanked the second one was kind of unexpected but no one is disagreeing

6.

Ceiling - Become a nurse they said, it'll be fun they said.

7.

Signage - Seventh-Day Adventıst Church THE MOST POWERFUL POSITION IS ON YOUR KNEES

8.

Text - p One 99 Look at the bottom right corner That's left stupid There you go

9.

Clothing - When you wear loose boxers

10.

Text - Kaelyn @kaelyned Fellas, y'all have to try harder than a "you're pretty". The 38 yr old middle eastern men in my DMs have already written 6 poems and promised me all their assets

11.

Text - I'm not in fighting shape but this will be no problem CHRISTMAS BAZAAR & CRAFT SHOW Fight Children with Diabetes Fundraiser Sunday December 1" 10am-4pm at Royal Canada Legion 3850 Lakeshore Blvd. West Visit Santa Claus From 12pm - 1:30pm

12.

Door - Opportunity was seen and taken. Kudos to you, door installer.

13.

Rock - When your "cheat meal" becomes a "cheat life"

14.

Product - Employer: Says here you got all C's in high school Me: I identify as an A student Employer: That's not how this works IG: TheFunnyIntrovert

15.

Font - 2h 3m Member Lol 2h 3m "Co-leader Deven I know you're in the hospital and we're praying For you but you need to attack in the war

16.

Text - Me trying to flirt Hey Hey how are you? Good, how are you doing? Good thanks and you? Good and you? Good thanks Good

17.

Text - meh @bonehugsnirony me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

18.

Text - I'm sorry but l've been laughing at this for ten minutes Hannah Dreier O @hannahdreier Venezuela's president, already mocked for gaining weight amid a hunger crisis, pulls out an empanada from his desk during a live TV address.

19.

Scuba diving - When you find out approximately 95% of all ocean critters remain undiscovered. Alright then, keep your sea crits.

20.

Face - I DONT KNOW I NEVER CHEATED ON YOU I LOVE YOU BABE I didn't mean to send that

21.

Text - I want to name my daughter mayonnaise and shorten it to May. May isn't short for anything so no one will ever ask what her full name is but she'll constantly live with the knowledge that she's named after a condiment. 9:03p earthdad: I'm dating a supervillian

22.

Text - 8:32 PM Google How to get flexible in 5 minutes X 8:43 PM Google How to fix a pulled muscle in 5 minutes x

23.

Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland This morning, on a whim, I decided to change my toaster setting from 3 to 4. Welcome to the new me, thanks for following my journey.

24.

Text - I guess the question I have for people who love LaCroix is have you tried any other beverages

25.

Motor vehicle - Friend: "u can't just spend ur time doing hecking sick razr tricks" Me: "skrrt skrrt MF"

26.

Hair - friend: "are you good?" me, after 4 vodka cranberries, appearing from the bathroom where I knocked over the toiletries and took five drunk selfies: @joeykerbz

27.

Text - When you ask her how her day was and she actually tells you

28.

Text - slutty satanistTM @_garbage_girl_ if i die and come back as a hillbilly is that called reintarnation

29.

Text - Congratulations Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel prize in Medicine. And also for being the most confusing person to sing happy birthday to.

30.

Cartoon - Thoughts? R @rvkhsvr when i'm having a convo past 1AM and the other person takes longer than 3 seconds to reply

31.

Transport - "You'll probably cancel last minute" Me: TRỤ TRUUUU 123RF® 123RF P123RF®

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18 ‘Today Years Old’ Revelations That Might Teach You Something New

The saying “you learn something new every day” may not always feel true, but on Twitter, that’s definitely the case. People are very eager to share surprising and little-known facts that blow their minds – whether they’re political or about something as trivial as the flavor of green Haribo gummy bears. These facts might not be revelatory for everyone, but they definitely aren’t common knowledge. And it’s nice to make that brain feel a little bigger. 

1.

Text - Cavan @cavantynxn I was today years old when I found out Flo Rida is just Florida split into two words... Wand 5:33 PM 6/1/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Product - Chandler Follow @Pelicans After all my years drinking these, I finally figured out that you can reverse the top and close it again 10:01 PM - 21 Jul 2017 68,641 Retweets 150,674 Likes

4.

Text - Samantha @AngelicGirlxD I'm 22 years old &I just realized that "This little piggy went to the market" doesn't mean he went food shopping

5.

Text - Brianna Bowers Follow @brianna_bowers I was today years old when I learned that Fes in That 70s Show really just stands for "foreign exchange student" and that's not the characters actual name 11:50 PM - 10 Jun 2018 19 Retweets 102 Likes

6.

Text - * Erin Allison * Follow @erinmallison97 I was today years old elaine geraldine @egcarlin how old were you when you found out Woody from Toy Story's last name is Pride? 5:36 PM - 12 Jun 2018 from Oxford, MS 49 Retweets 162 Likes

7.

Text - Jennifer Johnson @Jennifer385jj I was today years old when I found out Stan Lee makes a cameo in Princess Diaries 2. Are Princess Mia and Genovia in the Marvel Cinematic Universe???0000 www 1:01 PM 5/29/20 Twitter for iPhone

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Font - AlvPerG Follow @gabrielalvper I was today years old when I found out the "L" in "Staples" in really a half open staple STAPLES 11:53 AM - 17 Jun 2018 4 Retweets 19 Likes

11.

Text - good ol joles @JolanBiokua Just found out when someone tells you to "break a leg" in an audition it is because they are hoping you end up in the cast. Now my head is exploding

12.

Text - SIR JOHN Follow @JIGGAA I was today years old when I found out when someone says “hold your horses" they're telling me to be stable 9:06 PM - 12 Jun 2018 4 Retweets 5 Likes

13.

Today Years Old @todayyearsoldig How old were you when you found out the houses in Bikini Bottom are car mufflers that fell into the ocean due to pollution? 34K 4:14 AM - Oct 17, 2018 14.7K people are talking about this

14.

Snack - BG @baybee_giant I was today years old when I found out the green haribo gummy was strawberry flavored 42238 30183 2 Raspb rry Lemon Orange Strawberty NATURA

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Text - @y_usraa If you want to have your mind blown: John Cena and Jackson from Hannah Montana are the exact same age John Cena / Age 43 years 23 April 1977 Spouse: Elizabeth Huberdeau (m. 2009-2012) Height: 1,84 m Jason Earles / Age gettyimages Enc MoCan 43 years 26 April 1977 Spouse: Katie Drysen (m. 2017), Jennifer Earies (m. 2002- 2013) 9:28 AM · 5/24/20 · Twitter for iPhone

17.

Text - Today Years Old @todayyearsoldig The KFC twitter account only follows 11 people. The 5 spice girls & 6 guys named herb. This is bc of their "secret blend" of 11 herbs and spices. The 1st person to notice and point this out was sent a painting of himself holding a drumstick while riding piggyback on the Colonel. YUP

18.

Text - WE HATE POPO @darawrXD i was today years old when i found out that pictures from the Civil Rights Movement were originally taken in color and purposefully shown to us in black and white to make us think it was a long time ago I.U.E. MARCH JOBS FOLL OUMENT NOW! HONOR IN N ENO HONOR KING: END RACISM KINE ENO RACISH tu

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Twenty-Seven Miscellaneous Tidbits To Feast Your Eyes On

Behold, we have memes! We know, that’s not exactly a surprise to any of you, seeing as we specialize in memes. But either way, we hope you enjoy! Click here for more random entertainment!

1.

Text - Kevin Farzad @KevinFarzad HEY IT'S ME your facebook friend from high school who never left our hometown & thinks Olive Garden is fancy. Anyway here's a racist article 12/7/14, 10:47 PM

2.

Photo caption - when you show back up at your friend's house after getting blackout drunk and going missing I need water, a hairbrush, 24 chicken nuggets and a bible.

3.

Text - This cat came out of nowhere and tried to sell me bootleg diabeetus medicine

4.

Text - Waffles Inc Follow @TFWafeman Why the f k did we let morning people set the world's operating schedule salty-red-mage They did it while we were sleeping.

5.

Dog - marypoppinthatpussy: That piñata seems alarmed to say the least

6.

Text - crabbitscarrots asked: What is your all-time favorite chart? ilovecharts: This one still gets me.

7.

Kung fu - J2 @jtoyourhus Us leaving the party to go have sex

8.

Dish - I WOULDNT DO ANYTHING FOR AKLONDIKE BAR BUT I'D DO SOME PRETTY SHADY STUFF FOR THIS

9.

Product - Sony Announces Discreet New Flesh-Colored VR Helmet That Blends In With Your Face trib.al/ kgRGy7g OGN

10.

Text - IF YOU ARE COUGHING KINDLY TAKE A MASK AND PUT ON That emoji is not coughing

11.

Tree - when u go into a deep conversation with someone who understands

12.

Clothing - A Venezuelan chick @AVenezuelan19 If after a date, we go to your place, you take your pants off and you aren't wearing these bad boys under... then don't even ask me out.

13.

Fur - Diddy out here looking like a clit

14.

Product - Inspired by a similar plan in Canada, police in the UK gave out free lollipops at the door of a nightclub to reduce rowdiness after closing time. The idea was that drunken, late-night clubbers wouldn't be inclined to shout or cause a disturbance while they were sucking on them. It worked. pdmp AWBE LA'O Chup Chu

15.

Text - Andrea Russett @AndreaRussett everyday i wake up shocked that i haven't lost 15 pounds overnight from the side saladi ate with my pasta dinner

16.

Mason jar - ABIGAIL @a6igai1 My boyfriend spent an hour looking for this loud frog outside in a puddle and when he finally caught him I took a pic of both of them and he literally said

17.

Cartoon - CUDDLING PRESSING MY BUTT AGAINST HIS DICK SO HE GETS A BONER ME HIM imgflip.com

18.

Vertebrate - Indian guy : blows wind into pipe snakes :

19.

Dog - Peace was never an option

20.

Meal - people in movies have this kind of breakfast and they only grab a strawberry and be like "gotta go hun!"

21.

Pumpkin - The perfect Jack-o'-lantern doesn't exi...

22.

Text - Emma @CampbellxEmma Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity Foto: Instagram Politie Utrecht Centrum 4:06 p.m. 29 Sep. 19 Twitter Web App I DONT KNOW IF THATS TRUE BUT I'm laughing too much TO CHECK. SRGRAFO

23.

Barechested - When he calls me baby in front of his boys @FIRST.2.THIRST

24.

Product - Two collided bullets from the Battle of Gallipoli, 1915-16 krypteia77: allamericankindofguy: What are the odds. This is equivalent to winning the lottery three days in a row. Source: brettsrandom 46,587 notes

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Technology - the queen has breached containment

26.

Text - lorr @LorraineYe it was my nephew's 100 day and none of us were worthy appy 100 day tuet, Noah Y u may approach XXXII IXII one days

27.

Text - Mx. Mel @pneumajustice Maybe the problem isn't that you need more coffee, maybe the problem is that you require a central nervous system stimulant to robotically sustain a constant work output so that you can conform to unrealistic capitalist standards of labor & maintain profitability to corporations 8:25 AM 2/6/19 ·

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Animal Tweets That Made Us Laugh This Week (May 25th, 2020)

Every week, we bring you the finest collection of tweets written about our furry friends.

Here’s a link to last week’s list, in case you’ve missed it.

Every week, we bring you the finest collection of tweets written about our furry friends.

Here’s a link to last week’s list, in case you’ve missed it.

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Forty-Nine Memes & Tweets To Take The Edge Off

Congratulations on making it through another meaningless Monday. As a reward for your toiling and misery, we’ve put together this super-sized batch of memes, tweets, and shitposts to help assuage all the bad feelings. 

1.

Tree - HOLO PELVE HOLO PEVE НОРЕ LOVE

2.

Hair - l'd like to speak to Jeff Bezos about this amazonkaren "Karen, leave a scathing Yelp review." adam.the.creator cove

3.

Red carpet - STUAD CAARA Me, still trying to process February @tank.sinatra June

4.

Text - Me getting my own security questions wrong - I don't know sh** about f***. adam.the.creator

5.

Text - Participation Trophy Wife Y @TrophyWifeDayna My son gets m&ms every time he pees on the potty. So now, he squeezes a little out, shows me, gets his prize, waits 3 min, and repeats. Little evil oversugared genius. 6:22 PM · 5/31/20 · Twitter for iPhone

6.

Text - Aliens watching this season of 'Earth' like : DOOT DOOLA DOOT Doo. NARDWU THE HUM SERVIET GosLIN A JUI 17TH AV HAYISTYS ALL ALL AGES NE Minet

7.

Nose - O Waitress 8 Bisexual O 16 miles away As you can see it did hurt when I fell from heaven

8.

Text - Sooz @CruisinSoozan I believe in peace, sunshine, dogs with snaggletoofs, stopping to smell the roses, and now - Crock Pot liners. 3:37 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

9.

Text - Stardust + @GhostLibraries Fall in love with someone who makes you look at life the way poets look at sunsets. 4:10 PM · 5/29/20 · TweetDeck

10.

Cat - Henlo - my name is Annie bear and l'm selling icecreams and even a milkshake, would you like to buy anything? ICE CREAM

11.

Product - Gamers Then: Doritos CALL-DUTY. MODERN WARFARE Nacho Cheese Gamers Now: Dorites CALL-DUTY ПАСНО CHEESE MODERN WARFARE. MABTERED

12.

Outerwear - BVODM wanna chat? 22:1: This one sparks joy. wanna call? 22:11 This one does not spark joy.

13.

Text - 10:29 SSO Today 9:41 PM Hi, thanks you for choosing Stephen today. This is an automated message scheduling your dick appointment at 11pm on Sun 31/05. To confirm your appointment, respond YES. For today's pick-up line, respond CONVINCE ME. To cancel your appointment, respond WRONG HOLE. Convince me Are you the projected spread of Corona Virus? Because your curves are anything but flat. To confirm your appointment, respond YES. To cancel your appointment, respond WRONG HOLE. For a new pick

14.

Hair - Congratulations to the astronauts who left earth yesterday. Good choice.

15.

Facial expression - Everyone out here talking about how the Queen is evading death, but no one is talking about Jimmy Carter Rosalynn Work Project USA TODAY Car

16.

Apple •.. | 11 hrs · O So y'all got unbreakable glass in the store but my shatters if I think too hard phone” title=”” width=”800″ height=”762″/>

17.

Product - Elon: So you guys almost ready for takeoff? :) t complete the updates Working on updates 2% Don't tum off your PC This will take a while. ndoing changes rn off your computer Your Windows Update faled. But don't worry. can help. Uh Sir, we might be a moment...

18.

Vehicle door - AMERICA FOR 10 MINUTES YESTERDAY SPACEK LAUNCH

19.

Human - States: *loosen restrictions * Реople:

20.

Facial expression - The smoke detector when there's an actual fire @THERREADTHEVES The smoke detector when I light a candle The smoke detector when l'm cooking

21.

Product - If Head & Shoulders was a person head& shoulders classic clean classique

22.

Presentation - beth @bethbourdon if we only keep one thing from this pandemic, i hope it's priests with water pistols

23.

Text - Aunt Carol takes family pictures VERY seriously @tank.sinatra

24.

Facial expression - History teacher in 2073: Kids open your textbooks to Chapter 5, we're going to learn about the year 2020 @tank.sinatra

25.

Facial expression - When you realize we might actually be able to escape this planet @tank.sinatra

26.

Facial expression - Me: *wins the lottery* That kid who let me borrow his scissors once back in kindergarten: we' ve known each other, for so long.

27.

Text - Space X Astronauts O @SpaceX From where we are, it looks like you're all in this together and you better figure out how to love each other @tank.sinatra 5/31/20, 4:54 PM

28.

Text - 1:42 Camila YOU MATCHED WITH CAMILA ON 6/1/20 For most of my life, I did not know the difference between "affect" and "effect" Today 1:20 AM okay I still don't know Today 1:35 AM I don't blame you. Let me explain. If you were to tell me your favorite kind of food, that would have an "affect" on the options that I would think of. If I then asked if you wanted to get something to eat this week, and you said yes, then it would be an "effect" of this conversation. LMAO0O I really appreciate t

29.

Text - The Library Owl O @SketchesbyBoze it amazes me that people still say they want a "fairy-tale marriage" when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came. 1:55 PM · 5/31/20 · Twitter Web App

30.

Text - Macho Man Andy Savage @The_Andy_Brown During the pandemic shutdown I took out some shelving from our basement. Today I noticed one of the old 2x4s had stamping and some math scrawled on it. It was from a crate of Number 1 Selected Cheddar Cheese, dated June 4,1942. In lieu of happy bday tweets, the 2x4 wants $ 6:12 PM · 5/31/20 · Twitter Web App

31.

Text - yeehaw meg @meggie_gates SOMEONE JUST HACKED THE CHICAGO POLICE SCANNER AND IS PLAYING CHOCOLATE RAIN 6:21 PM · 5/31/20 · Twitter for iPhone

32.

Text - Momster @my_name_here85 Oh. You're trying to slide into my DMs by calling me your angle? Thope l'm acute one. 3:48 AM · 6/1/20 · Twitter for Android

33.

Adaptation - Lock Wilford @LockWilford This is why I can't get up and refill my drink 7:17 PM · 5/31/20 · Twitter for Android

34.

Text - Jen_A_Palooza @Ten_Toes_7 The smell of grass and dirt that has been hit by rain is one of my favorite scents 9:07 AM · 5/29/20 · Twitter for iPhone

35.

Maddie McGarvey @maddiemcgarvey Hand sanitizer duct taped to a pole for demonstrators OTV.COM vn Co ORAN WATERLESS HAND AMIZER of Germs Scent rs&Vitamin E 236 ml) 12:11 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

36.

Text - Not So Delicate @not_delicate Googling 'how to make him want to divorce you' for today's morning activity 7:34 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

37.

Text - guilty mamma @guiltymamma It's your wit that'll get me naked, not your willy pic. 9:55 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

38.

Text - Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal "Whales don't have a butt." One of the many quasi-scientific observations my four year old makes which I can't quite refute. 1:32 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

39.

Text - Steph @JustStephOK You're running for US president and the last thing you said to your pet is your campaign slogan. So may I present to you: Steph 2020:I don't want your tongue in my ear.

40.

Cat - Romasean Crust anch Garlic Sauce Crust He wants pizza lol YBREAD $2.89 delighted, i's pizza is better th eheat oven to 32 Off (PB) -$0.87 $11.01 Tax Delivery C Tip Total $0.14 $3.00 $5.00 Promise of D $19 15 1) Place pl Visa #2014 $19.15 Balance Due 0.00 Brandon Seidel 2464 3rd St Duyahopa Falls OH 4421 Instructions: Side door 208-7710 Order Reas EXIT SLEEP TTS

41.

Leg - I sprained my ankle, so my cat decided to elevate her paws in solidarity

42.

Text - MAKE A GRAPHGAN THEY SAID. ... IT WILL BE FUN THEY SAID

43.

Land vehicle - Dear Santa, when I asked for a 30 year old escort that's not what I had in my mind...

44.

Text - Me looking outside to see what chapter of Revelation we're doing today.

45.

Text - I'm convinced that crochet and knitting are black magic Just sitting there with two magic wands, performing complex movements while chanting and cursing, looking at a spell book And then suddenly... a blanket Witchcraft!

46.

Text - Ben Rosen @ben_rosen zoom needs a button that plays wrap it up music like at the oscars

47.

Text - Betches betches @betchesluvthis My nighttime routine: O wash my face V take a melatonin get in bed crack my ankles for 45 mins

48.

Internet meme - Woman in China sends 1,000 kg onions to ex-boyfriend to make him cry the woman GONNA MAKE YOU CRY,

49.

Adaptation - Land of cuteness @landpsychology What I found at the barn this morning.. 4:12 AM · 6/1/20 · Postcron App

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Assorted Tweets For The Scroll-Hungry Masses

Want to enjoy the brief relatable magic of a well-worded tweetwithout having to enter the hideous war zone that is Twitter? We’ve got you covered. These tweets are a great mishmash of exhausted parenting anecdotes, self-deprecating tidbits, and mildly funny musings. And they’re guaranteed to help occupy your mind for a solid five minutes. Enjoy!

1.

Astronaut - nat @natbalda two happy people getting the fuck out of this world. 61 12:14 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone 0:

2.

Skin - colleen @Coll3enG one year since the worst spray tan of my life <3

3.

Text - Participation Trophy Wife Y @TrophyWifeDayna TiphyW I found a gray hair on my head, so l brought out the tweezers to pluck it. Except I didn't squeeze hard enough and the tweezers just ended up sliding the whole way down the hair and curled it like a ribbon. 3:41 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

4.

Food - Dave Cactus @dave_cactus PBJ check. You've CuR And angther And anether Signatu FUEL the FUN MINT JELLY SKIPP CREAMY UTTER 2:26 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for Android

5.

Text - California Dreaming @Desert_Musings |am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen. 10:37 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

6.

Text - Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets @gfishandnuggets Today I learned that by rebranding chicken parmesan as "spaghetti chicken nuggets with cheese," the likelihood that my kids will eat it increases at least 5,000%. 5:32 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

7.

Text - Jessie @mommajessiec If you put your ear up to an old tool box, you can hear wives of long ago nagging their husbands about when they're going to finally fix the kitchen sink. 4:18 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

8.

Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Child: I can't wait to be a grown-up. Me [tweezing my ear hairs after paying 42 credit card bills]: yeah it's fantastic 1:34 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

9.

Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix SpaceX has reusable rockets that can launch, orbit the Earth, re-enter our atmosphere and land perfectly but here I am in this parking lot watching a guy try to back his F-250 into a parking spot for 20 minutes. 12:06 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

10.

Text - Laura Marie @Imegordon My son asked to play chess against me because "mommies aren't good at chess," so naturally I just kicked his ass. Checkmate, son. 5:30 PM · 5/29/20 · Twitter for Android

11.

Text - Eternal Samnation @portmanteauface Went onto the dark web the other day and nobody there sells lawn darts, what a load of bullshit 6:30 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

12.

Text - Dad That Writes @dadthatwrites If you've never stacked the deck so Candy Land is over in three turns, are you even a parent? 3:39 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for Android

13.

Text - Dan Regan @Social_Mime I don't remember someone's name ten minutes after meeting them, but I can tell you the name of a dog I met once at a friend's house in second grade. 1:05 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for Android

14.

Text - M @Love_bug1016 · 1d Which wine pairs best with I'm so over this fucking year? Q 397 27628 ♡ 2,242 WTF @Mhmm_ok_sure · 13h TOO A Tequila. ♡ 2

15.

Text - grace spelman @GraceSpelman started a playlist a few months ago of songs I think are truly "perfect" and al Thave right now is the Darth Vader march and "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith 12:14 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

16.

Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix I'm at that age where the most pain- free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best. 4:11 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

17.

Text - elena is hibjørnating @ElenaBjxrn Today I discovered BOTH of my brothers thought that panty liners/ sanitary towels were stuck directly onto the wearer's flaps, not to their underwear. Apparently they thought the adhesive was to "seal it shut". One of them is married. 1:48 PM · 5/28/20 · Twitter for iPhone

18.

Text - Mitten d'Amour @MittenDAmour Thing I miss most about life pre- lockdown? Not the pubs, not the socialising, not the holidays. Feeling pretty. 12:31 PM · 5/30/20 · Tweetbot for iOS

19.

Text - Stephanie Wyeld @steph_the_twit Tjust sent my kids into the house alone to make hot chocolate and I'm enjoying nature in peace for a few minutes before I need to go inside and clean marshmallows out of my hairdryer or something 12:21 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for Android

20.

Text - No Idea: Daddy Blog @byclintedwards Shopping in 2020 be like: I'm 60% sure I know that person, but I can't completely tell because they are wearing a mask, and l'm too socially awkward to wave because l might be wrong about knowing them, so l'll just look at the ground. 12:56 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

21.

Text - Niccole Thurman @niccolethurman SIRI YOU RUDE AS HELL GET OUTTA HERE L TL Saturday, May 30 NOTES | SIRI SUGGESTION Help me on dating apps 12:45 PM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

22.

Adaptation - cluedont @cluedont | always said If I won the lottery I wouldn't do anything crazy, but that was before I saw this. 0:42 5.5M views · From Buitengebieden 7:56 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

23.

Text - Andy Milonakis O @andymilonakis Congratulations to the Astronauts that left Earth today. Good choice

24.

Text - Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites My husband told me he had a nightmare that someone poured concrete on top of his grass that he's worked so hard to grow and if that ain't the daddest dreams of all dad dreams 9:08 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

25.

Text - Magnificently Messy @Musings_of_wine Have kids they said... 1 week's worth of groceries. 1.75 lb @ 1 lb /1.77 PAE C3338308838 F 3.10 N DDLE2 2.58 N PEAS ROH PREMR 003354495841 CORONA PREMR 003354495044 068113132877 F 8.99 T 15.99 T TOTAL 543.02 WAITING FOR TOTAL AMOUNT Cancel iSC Touch 250 1.oz 2 ABC 3 DEF Cancel 4 GHI 5 JKL 6 MNO Clear 7 PRS 8 TUV 9 WXY Enter O*#,. 8:22 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for Android

26.

People - Macho Man Andy Savage @The_Andy_Brown Angel: Alright God, you're up. How's the year 2020 going so far? God: I thought it was gonna be a hit! It turns out it fucking sucks! 9:05 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for Android

27.

Text - Positively R@ndi @ICantEven001 19 just came running in my room panicked! His 6 foot carpet python escaped last night and we can't find him anywhere!!! There is only one logical solution to this...I'm moving! 10:17 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

28.

Cat - cluedont @cluedont Me: How would you summarise 2020 so far? Му cat: 10:43 AM · 5/30/20 · Twitter for iPhone

29.

Text - meghan @shehas_freckles i'm doing what any reasonable 32 year old woman does on a thursday evening.. drinking beers & playing Mario Kart. alone. 5:13 PM · 5/28/20 · Twitter for iPhone

30.

Text - Eddie Random @stereofiasco McDonald's is considered 'fast food' but when I ask them to hold the Canadian bacon from my Egg McMuffin I have to pull forward as it's considered a "special order" even though I'm literally giving them permission to skip a step. 3:21 PM · 3/9/19 · Twitter Web Client

31.

Text - Adam At A Distance @adamof_alltrade I'll be 33 next week and I still can't figure out how I ever sat cross-legged comfortably. 4:49 AM · 5/29/20 · Twitter for iPhone

32.

Text - Eddie Random @stereofiasco I've always thought 'chupacabra' sounded like one of those bullshit meal items Taco Bell invents to sell the same combination of beans, meat, tortillas, and nonsense. 8:45 AM · 5/28/20 · Twitter Web App

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A Multitude Of Mindless Memes For The Escapist Masses

Life got you down? Boss causing you problems? Relationship in the pits? There’s no better way to combat these feelings than by perusing some extremely dumb and time-wasting memes. Whether weird comics are your thing or relatable shitposts, this gallery has got something in it for everyone. 

1.

Text - Noella Usborne @no_el_la "feed the cat" - boring - oversimplifies the dynamic - sounds like a chore "fatten the beast" - interesting - pleasing to the ear - gives power where power is due 9:55 AM · 11/5/19 · Twitter for Android

2.

Text - IN THE WARM CYCLES WE OBSERVE EXC ITING IN WHICH NARRATIVES THIS IS WHERE WE OBSERVE NARRATIVES BEINGS PUNCH EACH OTHER I SRIVAN WHOA ok THEN THEY GIVE A TINY IN THE COLD CYCLES WE OBSERVE DRAMATIC NARRATIVES IN WHICH STATUE TO THE BEINGS WHO YELLED MOST BELIEVABLY BEINGS YELL AT EACH OTHER AH NATHANWPYLE

3.

Product - Anxiety is literally just conspiracy theories about yourself 21/05/18, 9:16 AM oh shit

4.

Photography - The beacons are lit 100 SHIREP OSTING Lit AF

5.

Face - When you walk past a coworker you don't know very well yet shutterstock

6.

Cartoon - when ur not a morning person but ur toddler is bravingposts this is so accurate tbh

7.

Text - Matthew Frederickson @itsmattfred The Black Plague was a PR disaster for rats as a species. They never truly recovered until 2007 (release of Ratatouille) 20:06 · 12/11/2019 · Twitter Web App 4,954 Retweets 33.8K Likes Matthew Frederickson @itsmattf... 14h v people in my mentions talking about "stuart little." stuart little is a mouse, you babbling idiots. 27 19 4 472

8.

Text - MEVERYTHING IS OK AND THAT IS WHY MY W GREETINGS I AM OPERATING THE FLYING UP VOICE IS CALM MACHINE. WE ARE So00 HIGH RIGHT NOW A BUT IF THE MACHINE STARTS TO VIOLENTLY SHAKE YOU WILL GET No SNACKS IF IT CONTINUES TO BE OK MY FRIENDS WILL DISTRIBUTE TINY SNACKS HOPING FOR SNACKS SNACKS LOVE NATHANWPYLE

9.

Text - When my brain goes on a little adventure instead of attending to the conversation l'm having... CCC

10.

Text - RESTRICTING MY VISION MAY WE INITIATE OBSCURE AND PURSUE CREATING A SMALL MYSTERY OK AND WHENI DO PREPARED OR NOT, I WILL DISCOVER THERE WILL BE LITERALLY NO og CONSEQUENCES You NATHAN WPYLE

11.

T-shirt - When you first paycheck hits and you blow it on some sick ass shit Waimart PO0D WAL MART

12.

Cartoon - When your older relatives are talking about crazy things young adults do nowadays and you gotta act like you're not a part of it. @MasiPopal

13.

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14.

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15.

Text - GAME-TONIS HRUNE GAML DENEY GAMI THRONES And seven seasons were gifted to the race of men Who, above all else, desire quality GAT SLASN CAILETE But they were all of them deceived. For another season was made

16.

Cartoon - I swallow my pills without drinking water Obviously a badass

17.

Photo caption - When she hits you with 'K' and you begin the scientific method of figuring out what the fuck you did wrong

18.

Facial expression - Girl: I can't believe you didn't cry in Titanic! Do you have emotion? Have you ever cried? Me: Hay, dad. You once told me that when you come back, we might be the same age. Today is my birthday. Well, now I'm the same age that you were when you left and it'd be really great if you come back soon.

19.

Text - GRave SashSLAYED @_sashayed some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can't turn your head all the way to the left anymore

20.

Text - I HAVE EXPLA INED THE SHAPES TO You. TOMORROW You MUST EXPLAIN THEM LIFT ONE LIMB IF YOU UNDERSTAND THE SHAPES TO ME I REGRET UNDERSTANDING NATHANWPYLE

21.

Text - Dave @DaveApnea me: decides to be productive and closes internet browser and loads up the work I need to do tonight also me: immediately opens browser on phone while waiting for work file to open, gets distracted and browses on phone instead of doing the work

22.

Text - Dog - "I specialize in roofing"

23.

Text - Cartoon - When you're attempting to sleep but hear your cat destroying everything you own

24.

Text - Art - When you show your parents a pic on your phone and they start swiping LEGO

25.

Text - Cartoon - ME AS A DISNEY PRINCESS

26.

Text - Text - Donnie Snarko @geraldinreverse well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

27.

Text - Organism - HIIII I MISS THAT CREATURE NATHANWPYLE

28.

Text - Photo caption - When you walk by the automatic air freshener and that bitch goes off

29.

Text - Font - GUDER CROWDER YOU'RE A DUMB ASS CHANGE MY MIND

30.

Text - Hat - Walmart: *exists* People that shop at Target:

31.

Text - Text - Doth @DothTheDoth Edgar Allan Poe: would you like to see what l've hidden beneath my floorboards? Me: look, you spooky bitch, I would love to.

32.

Text - Text - I hate it when you see a sign and suddenly your plans are ruined

33.

Text - Text - madison!!! @madisonfrench_ priest: it be like that sometimes congregation: and sometimes like that it be

34.

Text - Cartoon - Me eating carbs late at night when I promised myself l'd get in shape this year CLASSICAL ART MEMES Pacebook.com/classkalartmemes

35.

Text - Eyebrow - "Eyebrows should be sisters not twins" fckin hell hun they're not even friends

36.

Text - Text - when you're walking down the sidewalk & see a cat in someone's driveway

37. Untitled

38.

Text - Adaptation - Me: *accidentally steps on the cat's tail* Cat:

39.

Text - Cartoon - I DON'T WANNA BE A NORMAL DUCK I WANNA BE A GOTH DUCK LETS GET YOU CLEANED UP, LITTLE GUY HELL YEAH NO FUCK YOU

40.

Text - Text - Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike Fell out of a tree Twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong Sat down too long Sneezed too hard

41.

Text - Cat - amanda @mandixpandi awake but at what cost

42.

Text - Cat - This is what cat engagement photos would look like

43.

Text - Cat - When my alarm goes off in the morning "This sum bullshit."

44.

Text - Comics - DON'T WORRY I'M A DOCTOR, SLAP (THAT LL BE 4,000 DOLLARS, SMAK EXTRA FABULOUS COMICS

45.

Text - Text - when you can't find any fucks to give on earth so you check the astral realm and still nothin @TRUEYOUHEALING

46.

Text - Text - Netflix: Are you still there? Me: I don't know anymore

47.

Text - Cartoon - "How's life" COM Very Hard

48.

Text - Cartoon - THE NEW MACBOOK WHAT? THE PRO IS 4K!! SCREEN? NO, THE PRICE. Cadard TERATED YEZEN S.

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Just Give Him A Chance

Funny tweet that reads, "I feel like this skeleton wants to fuck so bad but his pickup lines are just awful" above a textbook illustration of a skeleton

He’s so lonely.

Submitted by: (via Fatboylovesbuffets)

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Forty-Three Random Memes To Give Your Brain A Boost

Sometimes you just need a little dumb humor as a distraction from life. If now is one of those times for you, then you’re in luck, because we put together this whole gallery of dumb memes for you!

1.

Food - SHARE IF YOU LOVE PIZZA OR BONDAGE BDSM, ETISH

2.

Water resources - GO AHEAD GET IN THE POND SINCE YOU WANNA ACT LIKE A SILLY GOOSE

3.

Text - * 1 73% I 20:17 Tweet t? Chelley Ryan W #Richard4Deputy retweeted Chris Yalamov @chrisyalamov #alevels2020 Year 13: I'm actually going to study for exams Boris: cancels exams with no clarity on what's next Year 13: well now I am not going to do it Tweet your reply

4.

Cat - Men after 40 in social networks be like

5.

Text - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank... The rabbit says, I think I might be a type o.

6.

Text - Me talking to the sink full of dirty dishes every night I'm going to bed. Fuck the lot of you.

7.

Fictional character - Bart Bart Bart BARTENDERS Bart "Bart Bart Bart Bart Bart Bart Bart Bart Bart

8.

Floor - How to keep the cat downstairs

9.

Text - I cant remember how to write 1,1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals IM LIVID

10.

Adaptation - "I know I've been an asshole most of my life, but I need your help"

11.

Food - I'm not saying the punctuation is wrong. I am saying I HOPE it is wrong. OH! OH! BOY BOY SYRUP SYRUP ORL 0Z TBAL OZ) 1.183

12.

Bird - Me secretly turned on Vampires talking about how they could kill me

13.

Cat

14.

Text - Fus Ro Dah is just yeet in dragon

15.

Jacket - 2019 2018 2017 2020

16.

Text - sluttypuffin @sluttypuffin Yeah, I'm living the DREAM: D ead inside Reconsidering my career E ating everything A complete mess Mentally unstable

17.

Text - When somebody asks me 'hows life going' LEARNABOUT GARAGES IT'S TOTALLY FUCKING FUCKED MATE, BIG TIME' A LADYBIRD BOOK theragingalcoholic fTatrwar

18.

Hair - How can you make jokes at a time like this? It's a defense mechanism.

19.

Facial expression - You know what I love about boys? Their girlfriends.

20.

Photo caption - When you dig through your grandma's old toys for an hour just to find a little dude who looks like a meme @DarthStefawn It ain't much, but it's honest work

21.

Text - I'll remember what this code does after all, I wrote it myself and it's unlikely anyone else will work on it I don't need to leave comments.

22.

Product - hidingoutbackstage dreamstime sibling-less writers dreamstime "hey sis." "hey little bro!" eremstime I'm right and I should say it fairyofsomething Wait. How are peoples with siblings greeting eachother then? astudyingreer "Hey" 99 “Hey" ככ pissbong "greetings, whore" "[fortnite dances]" Gettmtime

23.

Food - When Spotify tries to make me a Daily Mix

24.

Text - a lost fish @grumbist im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things: every person on earth & their opinion of me the crushing psychological weight of being alive

25.

World - Argentina Are'ntgentina

26.

Recreation - When you've never ran a day in your life but there's no way you're missing a chance to get away from the wife & kids for 30 mins MGS

27.

Cartoon - The good thing about having a social life like mine is that you don't even notice that you are in quarantine

28.

Text - A spookyearp people at work: wow, you are always in such a good mood, how do you do that? me, an actually cranky, apathetic, trainwreck human: it's called manners, susan. gingerkyuketsuki "do not mistake composure for ease"

29.

Chicken - sorry my mom said no

30.

Horse - Thank God 2019 is finally over 2020 МЕ Come here! 2020 2020 ME ME

31.

Text - Clayton Cubitt @claytoncubitt YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED TO SEE PIX OF FLEXING VICTORIAN BABES BUT YOU DID 2:41 PM · 9/12/19 · Tweetbot for iOS 14.2K Retweets 40.3K Likes

32.

Text - bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death bird detective: any murder weapon found? bird cop: just one stone bird detective: *lowers shades* my god

33.

Text - Jakhari Carroll LIFT IS @jakharicarroll "You up?" Me thinking about am l up or not: a Jsdr 1 @DarJuste · 6d Bomboclaat Show this thread 10:11 PM · 3/21/20 · Twitter for Android

34.

Text - Here I sit broken hearted Tried to shit, but only farted Then one day I took a chanu Triet to fart, but shit my pants Posted in r/blursedimages by u/TagamiT O reddit

35.

Cartoon - When the sun hits your laptop screen just right

36.

Dog - drog.

37.

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38.

Text - Therapist: Can you think of anyone who is a negative influence in your life who is causing you to feel this way? Me: -Well, of course I know him. He's me. Z/9/18, 4:39 PM

39.

Logo - | would help but...

40.

Text - darjeelingandcoke-deactivated20 An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants. "Euripides?" says the tailor. "Yeah, Eumenides?" replies the man. thiswillonlyhurtalittle This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

41.

Terrestrial animal - YOu deserve s heppiness!

42.

Facial expression - When you're approaching someone in a long hallway and you're not sure when to begin eye contact 180/n sini I/sin(180/n) 90.000 MasiPobal case 65ine

43.

Tent - what can make a man run away like this ???? Maik Kho Jai E @mikegbaines It's not run, it's ran. Because it's past tents.

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Daaayum

Funny meme about Lana Del Rey

She did not like that.

Submitted by: (via @memebase)

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Tasty Tweets To Satisfy Your Mindless Scrolling Needs

We know that Twitter is a minefield. Especially during times of crisis. But mindlessly scrolling through tweets is one of our favorite ways to escape boredom.So we’ve put together this batch of relatively entertainingTwitter tidbits and left out the political shitshow that so often plunges us into depression. If we want news, we’ll watch the news. But for now, we’re happy with these short and sweet quips of distraction.

1.

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2.

Product - unapologetic + @dosesofkae_ Omg I'm Having a hard time which one decorating my new crib y'all think? OLLAR GENERAL AANK YOU THANK YOU yournage 8:13 AM · 5/25/20 · Twitter for iPhone

3.

Text - Laura Peek @LauraKPeek Fav part of watching Jeopardy is saying "I should be on Jeopardy" every time I correctly answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests 9:05 AM · 5/25/20 · Twitter for iPhone

4.

Adaptation - Household Government @LadyBugAssassin This bitch done ate all her tank mates, now she looking all sad thinking about her life.

5.

Organism - Kimberly Adams @KA_Marketplace Uncle: What are you doing during the lockdown? Me: I'm learning to play piano! You? Uncle: I built "Gateway to the Imagination" in my backyard. Me: A A 10:21 AM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone

6.

Tree

7.

Tree

8.

Text - Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins Would you rather ghost your mom or your favorite food? Mom 44% Fave food 56% 126 votes · Final results 5:26 PM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone

9.

Text - Witch Baby @GoAskAvery TL;DR stands for "The Lord; Da Rings" 10:03 AM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone

10.

Text - WTFDAD @daddydoubts It's the strangest thing, I could have Sworn my son was born with hands yet here we are 3 years later and the fucker has talons. 6:14 PM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone

11.

Text - Filthiest Poster Alive @victoriaxxvii I'm bringing my bedroom floor lamp out on the porch so I can continue reading and smoking cigs as the sun goes down this is why we're engineers 5:39 PM · 5/27/20 · Twitter for Android

12.

Text - @artofjyang Asked my grandmother to model for my bags and she busted out an entire fancy occasion outfit

13.

Face - MBA YOUNGBOY @Stussy_Fly March 13th May 25th

14.

Bedding - grace @thebiggestyee this is the comforter ur high school boyfriend had

15.

Face - andrea @jojobetzlerr thinking about the day i taught ansel how to use instagram filters 6:14 VESE Saturday, December 28 O INSTAGRAM now ] ansel How do you put Care Bears on your face like that? O INSTAGRAM 1m ago ansel Oh thanks O INSTAGRAM 1m ago ] ansel Yo

16.

Dish - kaaaaaaaneki @kevoutkevin the art: the artist:

17.

Text - Yann @yannhatchuel I've been toldI needed a spice rack in my kitchen. Did I do this right?

18.

Text - Max Godby @OhMyGodby64 KENTUCKY 64 I demand a public apology from every coach l've ever had... The study found that the "hand on knees" posture resulted in superior heart rate recovery and greater tidal volume (the amount of air inhaled into the lungs with each breath) compared to the "hands on head" posture. Oct 2, 2019

19.

Bedroom - iAmNoah (92%) SOON @iamnoahmusic Ibuilt my doga doggy bed. What do you guys think? Lol

20.

Mammal

21.

Text - weird al @local_celeb if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don't want to pay

22.

Text - Yusraa @y_usraa If you want to have your mind blown: John Cena and Jackson from Hannah Montana are the exact same age Q 4 jason earles age Q4 john cena age Google Y Google jason earles age john cena age ALL IMAGES NEWS VIDEOS MAPS SHOPP ALL IMAGES NEWS VIDEOS MAPS SHOPP Jason Earles / Age John Cena / Age 43 years 43 years 26 April 1977 23 April 1977 gettymages Spouse: Elizabeth Huberdeau (m. 2009-2012) Spouse: Katie Drysen (m. 2017), Jennifer Earles (m. 2002- 2013) Height: 1,84 m Height:

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24.

Text - mads @madddiexo i love when guys on dating apps ask "how is a gorgeous girl like you single" I'm mentally ilI, brandon 8:08 AM · 5/25/20 · Twitter for iPhone

25.

Text - Serendipity @serendipitydon1 Relationship Status: I have eaten four sandwiches in one sitting. 6:11 PM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for Android

26.

Text - Arianna Bradford @TheNYAMProject If my kids wind up growing into sociopaths and they question me for a Netflix special, l plan on answering al interview questions with "whoopsie doodle." 6:14 PM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone

27.

Text - Andrew Hunt @Mr_AndrewHunt Every night, an adorable couple on a nearby balcony shares a bottle of wine as they hold hands and lovingly stare into each others' eyes while laughing and listening to beautiful jazz music. And I can't help but think, "Wow. That's what I want." (the wine.not the other stuff.) 5:34 PM · 5/26/20 · Twitter Web App

28.

Text - Kids_kubed D @Kids_kubed My husband, so frustrated with my empty pop cans around the house, collected them and put them on my nightstand I, in turn, collected all the empty toilet paper rolls he never replaces and left them on his pillow Marriage is all about helping each other grow 5:47 PM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Adaptation - Myko Clelland O @DapperHistorian Newly discovered just outside of Verona, what could be this year's biggest discovery - an almost entirely intact Roman mosaic villa floor! SAP TAIR 11:42 AM · 5/26/20 · Twitter Web App

30.

Text - WTFDAD @daddydoubts Me: *chopping up dill* Wife: ooh dill, guess I know what I get to look forward to later tonight. Me: the dill shits? Wife: no, sweeping up all the dill falling on the floor. Ме: oh haha. Wife: what are the "dill shits"? Me: nothing nevermind. 5:37 PM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - E. JOHNBUS UNUM @TrashyAmerican Don't ever tell me I don't know how to manage money. ih

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Text - Greg One Leg @Greg_1_Leg This one is 100 percent true Me still groggy after having my leg amputated:.. Dad:.Don't worry son, it'll only take ... you half the time to cut your toenails now. 11:31 AM · 5/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Can’t Begin To Imagine

Funny tweet about what work will look like after quarantine is over.

Work is gonna be weird for a long time.

Submitted by: (via @stupidresumes)

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Thirty Miscellaneous Tidbits For You To Enjoy Today

We know you could use something to laugh about right now, and because we’ve always got your back, we delivered. These memes may not be very high quality, but we’re pretty sure they’ll make you laugh. Click here for some more random entertainment!

1.

Face - J.K. Rowling Reveals That You, The Reader, Were Gay All Along Share Article: Facebook I Twitter Reddit

2.

Photo caption - Me: Don't look now but the person behind you is... My friend immediately: O C

3.

Text - When you're part of a group chat but you never actually contribute anything to the conversation

4.

Text - IT WILL END IN TEARS

5.

Ball - I'm almost certain there's an easier way to blow up a balloon Ri

6.

Text - Meet Christian singles now! JOIN NOW! spaghetticunt: sign me right the fuck up VIA DAMNLOL.COM

7.

Technology - 1 This one sparks joy. Remind Me Message Decline Acсept This one does not spark joy.

8.

THE a INFINITY BAGA” title=”” width=”600″ height=”825″/>

9.

Text - Tweet @Believablee I just watched a woman drink laundry detergent at Walmart. Bottle to mouth. In the isle. I said NOTHING but when we made eye contact she just gasped and was like 'IM GONNA BUY IT!' BRO IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU BUYING IT WTE ARE YOU DOING ASKSKSKSKS 3:35 PM 3/7/19 Twitter for iPhone

10.

Face - when you 20 mins deep in an argument and realize you misunderstood something

11.

Dog - I was having a bad day and this dog walked to my bus stop, sat on the bench and asked me for pets

12.

Text - How's your new job sweetie? It was a tough first week but it's good grandpa drgrayfang Abe Lincoln was assassinated 2 days into his second term so you need to grow up

13.

Text - When Nance calls you a dickface in front of the neighbors for not taking out the trash Haha she's a pistol isn't she ;)~ @middleclassfancy

14.

Table - Jemele Hill @jemelehill • 10/31/18 PER MY LAST EMAIL

15.

Text - When Rick's leaves keep falling in your yard, so you blow them back into his yard when he's not home Haha take that, Rick! You bag of shit! @middleclassfancy

16.

Cartoon - the hardest prison to escape is in your mind um ok

17.

Text - rohirrimofthenorth jrr tolkien: i really love my wife. i will make her into a beautiful, unearthly half-angel princess who beat satan almost single-handedly and won an argument with the keeper of the halls of the dead jrr tolkien: i really love my best friend. 1 will make him into a grumpy old tree who never gets to the point triss19 If this isn't the best example of the difference between the relationship you should have with your wife and your best friend I don't know what is.

18.

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19.

Green - १

20.

Snout - Me: Bae talk dirty to me Bae: Sometimes I don't wipe my ass when I finish shittin Me: @officialthiscouldbeus

21.

People - me, riffy c @itsmeriffyc why does it look like khalid met you WOLF @NLSNicholas Met Khalid. Mari Marth

22.

Clothing - Me at 20 Jennifer Aniston at 50 @viralwoman LTY

23.

Product - When anyone asks me why I fell for my wife WAG

24.

Action-adventure game - YOU TALKING MAD SHIT FOR SOMEONE IN CRUSADING DISTANCE imgflip.com

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26.

Human - When you're mad hungry and your food won't cooperate. @mr petty wap

27.

Text - When you're wasted and someone says they are going to Taco Bell drgrayfang "Please let me join you on this Hispanic adventure."

28.

Text - Ami @shine_with_love People who are allergic to peanuts: I can't, it'll kill me People who are allergic to gluten: I can't, it'll wreck my body People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at allI, hand me a gallon of milk 11:21 PM 07 Oct 18 Source: whitepeopletwitter 43,226 notes

29.

Text - Me when there's drama that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I'm so excited because I love mess.

30.

Team - How my custom RPG squad looks in a cutscene

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