Efficiency Win! The Dalai Lama Has Announced That His Dentist’s 30-Year-Old Son Is The Reincarnation of Him And Should Just Take Over As Dalai Lama After He Dies

One of the world’s greatest spiritual leaders just made an incredible proclamation that is bound to save tons of time and make Buddhists all over the world stand up and cheer: The Dalai Lama has announced that his dentist’s 30-year-old son is the reincarnation of him and should just take over as Dalai Lama after he dies!

This is incredibly awesome! Usually, finding the reincarnation of the Dalai Lama requires Buddhist clerics to search throughout Tibet for up to four years in order to identify a child who can pass a series of tests to verify his identity as the reborn avatar of the spiritual leader, but now that the Dalai Lama has confirmed that he has already been reborn as the adult son of his dentist, the succession process won’t take any time at all!

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The Dalai Lama said that he discovered the reborn version of himself during a visit to his dentist, Klaus Helmutt, DDS, for a routine teeth cleaning. During the visit, the dentist’s 30-year-old son Karl entered his father’s office and asked him if he could have $300 to buy a Nintendo Switch, at which point the Dalai Lama instantly identified him as the reincarnation of himself, and therefore his immediate successor after he dies.

“In the past, finding the reincarnation of the Dalai Lama has been an incredibly prolonged process, but I’m pleased to announce that I’ve already been reborn as my dentist’s boy, Karl Helmutt,” said the Dalai Lama in a statement. “My dentist’s boy is me, and that’s great. My soul is in his body and so when I die, that’s fine, because he’s already me and he should just become the Dalai Lama right away.”

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The Dalai Lama went on to say that he realized that the 30-year-old Helmutt was the reincarnation of himself because he “smelled like me” and “knew where I kept my rake (in the garage),” both sure signs in his mind that the two of them were the same person, with one soul passed between two bodies.

This is completely amazing! Just when you thought the Dalai Lama couldn’t get any wiser, he goes out of his way to find his new middle-aged avatar way in advance. Kudos to him for making the process of appointing a new Dalai Lama as efficient and smooth as possible!

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Efficiency Win! All The Major Fried Chicken Chains Have Collectively Agreed To Start Selling Fried Pelican Instead Of Chicken Because They Can Just Find Pelicans For Free Outside

Some of the biggest names in fast food just announced a brilliant new plan aimed at maintaining profitability while keeping prices low: All the major fried chicken chains in the U.S. have collectively agreed to start selling fried pelican instead of chicken because they can just find pelicans for free outside.

Genius! They’ll be teaching this in business schools for years to come.

In a joint statement released this morning, a group of more than a dozen prominent fried chicken chains including KFC, Popeyes, Chick-Fil-A, and Zaxby’s, revealed that moving forward, they will be adopting pelican meat as their primary protein, as there are loads of pelicans wandering around in America’s parks and swamplands, totally free for the taking, that can be easily rounded up in U-Hauls and efficiently slaughtered with baseball bats.

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Altogether the move will save the chains billions of dollars a year in wholesale poultry costs, making it a no-brainer from a financial standpoint. And by coordinating a simultaneous transition from chicken to pelican meat across all the major chicken restaurant chains, it will encourage consumers to quickly adapt to the change, as chicken meat will no longer be available to them at a fast food price point.

“We are excited to share that, after years of shouldering the exorbitant costs of raising and processing chickens, America’s fried chicken restaurants are now going 100% pelican,” the statement read. “Pelicans are very slow and stupid, making it incredibly easy to just walk up to them and stuff them in a duffel bag, which is how we will source them for our restaurants now. Pelicans have a lot more meat on them than chickens, meaning we’ll be able to get much more mileage out of every bird, and once they are deep-fried and seasoned, consumers will hardly notice the acrid, oily flavor you get from birds raised on fish- and litter-based diets.”

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“Now, instead of consumers paying $2.50 for a measly chicken breast that earns the restaurant $.06 in profit, consumers can pay $2.50 for a pelican breast the size of a catcher’s mitt that generates over $2 in profit,” the statement continued. “It’s a win-win for everyone.”

The move will likely be welcomed by animal rights groups, who have long criticized the restaurants for their industrial poultry operations but will now be hard-pressed to find any ethical qualms with the sourcing of pelicans, as they are free-range birds that have been raised in the wild and are far too ugly to feel sympathy for. Additionally, having guys catch pelicans in a park is exponentially better for the environment than factory farming, making it a huge win for the planet as well.

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Wow! It’s too bad they didn’t think to do this years ago.

It’s hard to see this as anything but a good thing in virtually every single regard. Kudos to these restaurants for not only coming up with this amazing idea but also uniting together to implement it. We can’t wait to hit up our local chicken chain for an eight-piece bucket of delicious fried pelican!

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