Unhinged QAnon Karen Trashes Target & Harasses Shoppers

Social media has a lot of drawbacks, but the fact that we are able to witness insane public freakouts in real time is an absolute win. And with this absurd video, this QAnon-believing Karen has outdone most of her peers. She begins her aggressive attack against masks in Target, destroying a display and screaming “This shit is f*cking over.” When the employees ask her to leave, she thinks she’s being discriminated against because she’s blonde and wears a Rolex. 

The insanity doesn’t stop there. Once she’s outside the store she starts “baa”-ing at shoppers wearing masks, calling them sheep. Things go even further when she starts ranting to police about how she is a QAnon spokesperson and has a personal relationship with Donald Trump. She also says she has millions of viewers – but on the live feed it’s very clear that she’s broadcasting to just 83 people. We hope she gets the help she sorely needs.

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Crowd Goes Wild When Trump Drinks Glass Of Water All By Himself

Trump responds to previous criticism of his graduation speech at the U.S. Military Academy in quite a unique way.

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Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool

WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to…

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to…

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Trump Blames China For Acting Too Late In Coordinating U.S. Coronavirus Response

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the rival superpower for what he called “reckless” and “irresponsible” behavior, President Donald Trump publicly blamed China Monday for acting too late in coordinating the U.S. Covid-19 response. “China knew our nation was facing a deadly threat as early as January, and yet they did nothing to…

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WASHINGTON—Lambasting the rival superpower for what he called “reckless” and “irresponsible” behavior, President Donald Trump publicly blamed China Monday for acting too late in coordinating the U.S. Covid-19 response. “China knew our nation was facing a deadly threat as early as January, and yet they did nothing to…

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This ‘Trump Disinfectant Remix’ Is A Serious Banger

“Suppose we hit the body, tremendous ultraviolet”

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Trump Accuses New York Of Padding State’s Mortality Rate By Including African American Deaths

WASHINGTON—Dismissing the statistics as “totally overblown,” President Donald Trump publicly accused New York health officials Monday of inflating the state’s Covid-19 mortality rate by including African Americans in their calculations of the total dead. “It’s very unfair if you start adding in a bunch of people who…

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WASHINGTON—Dismissing the statistics as “totally overblown,” President Donald Trump publicly accused New York health officials Monday of inflating the state’s Covid-19 mortality rate by including African Americans in their calculations of the total dead. “It’s very unfair if you start adding in a bunch of people who…

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Effects Of Trump Halting Immigration

As the coronavirus pandemic continues, President Trump on Wednesday signed an order halting all immigration to the United States for 60 days, a decision with significant ethical and economic ramifications. The Onion looks at the effects of Trump halting immigration.

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As the coronavirus pandemic continues, President Trump on Wednesday signed an order halting all immigration to the United States for 60 days, a decision with significant ethical and economic ramifications. The Onion looks at the effects of Trump halting immigration.

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‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing Trump Pouring Ingredients Into Fizzing Concoction

WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,” Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing concoction. “Let’s shake in a dollop of tickles, an ounce of regret,…

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WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,” Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing concoction. “Let’s shake in a dollop of tickles, an ounce of regret,…

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Internet Reacts To Trump’s Comments About Injecting Disinfectant To Cure COVID-19

The internet is reacting to comments made by Donald Trump during a COVID-19-related press briefing held yesterday. Trump claimed that the virus could be treated by bringing “light inside the body” or injecting a disinfectant. Thankfully medical professionals were quick to denounce these claims, and people on the internet have since been creating some excellent memes on the matter. 

This should go without saying, but please don’t inject yourself with disinfectant, y’all.

The internet is reacting to comments made by Donald Trump during a COVID-19-related press briefing held yesterday. Trump claimed that the virus could be treated by bringing “light inside the body” or injecting a disinfectant. Thankfully medical professionals were quick to denounce these claims, and people on the internet have since been creating some excellent memes on the matter. 

This should go without saying, but please don’t inject yourself with disinfectant, y’all.

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Product - Phil @prettygoodphil Trump supporters tonight CLOROX ONCENTRATED SPLASH-LESS

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Product - TRUMP GYDROKYCHLOROQUINE BLEACH imgflip.com

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Nose - Can't wait to try these Lysol JUL BRAND Lysol adam.the.creaton KILLS COVID IN <1 MINUTE!* "MAY ALSO KILL YOU. PLEASE CONSULT DOCTOR BEFORE USE

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Text - Wesley Clark @WesClarkjr It took one month to the day. Wesley Clark @WesClarkjr · Mar 23 I wonder when he's going to recommend his followers drink bleach to guard against the virus. phoenixnewtimes.com/news/covid-19-... via @phoenixnewtimes 6:35 PM · Apr 23, 2020 · Twitter Web App

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Dish - i miss baseball @jennaaaaagg Oh wow... the new Trump Hotel & Restaurant menu items are beautiful. #TidePodPresident free& PODS

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Cartoon - MP MP YEAH, YEAH,YEAH. JUST GIVE ME THE DISINFECTANT. @SimpsonsWWE

9.

Photography - TRUMP THE WIHITE THOUSE WASHHENGON "BLEACH" Owhythelongplovface

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Drink - Grol MAKE AMERIC GREATAGAIN @USMCLiberal

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Cartoon - Is this a vaccine? made with mematic

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Text - The rest of the world watching trump propose drinking bleach as a corona solution Qoh, he's tryin! fadultswim.com

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Product - the US COVID cure pack 2.5 2 MINUTE CONTACT TIME 3г Kills C. difficile in 2 minutes CLOROX HEALTHCARE FUZION CLEANER DISINFECTANT EASY ON SURFACES BROAD SPECTRUM DISINFECTANT NO HARSH ODORS KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. CAUTION: SAK LARL FOR ADDITONAL PRECAUTIONARY STATEMENTS. ACTIVE INGREDIENT: Sedan pedleite OME NGREDENTS TUTAL: Melds 3% alable charine CONTAINS NO PHOSPHORUS. 8.51% 100.00% 1 QT (32 FL OZ) 946 mL.

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Job - E HOUSE Top US doctor says heat and light are not a treatment for Covid-19 Coronavirus: Outcry after Trump suggests injecting disinfectant as treatment helth

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Dietary supplement - KILLS 99.9% of Germs NEW CLOROX CHEWABLES! Bud Trump Recommended CLOROMA 1FOHCON Don't Die Maybe! TEDSL

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Cartoon - *Trump suggests injecting disinfectant as Corona treatment* Doctors all around the world: my goodness, what an idea why didnt i think of that.

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Ohio Quarantine Protesters Are Supplying Memers With Some Premium Photoshop Material

It’s probably safe to say that most people aren’t taking this whole quarantine thing very well, but we grin and bear it for the greater good of humanity. On the other hand, while most of us are doing the right thing and obeying stay-at-home orders, there are a select few ruining it for everyone else. 

Exhibit A: these protesters, who felt it’d be appropriate to march to the Ohio Statehouse Atrium and demand that lawmakers reopen nonessential businesses to the public.

If your first thought was, that is an incredibly stupid idea, you’d be correct, and the following memes and photoshopped pics display that sentiment perfectly.

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Reflection - TRUMP

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Human - UMP Corporate needs you to find the difference between this picture and this picture They're the same picture

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Window - DONT DEAD OPEN DE TR

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Photograph

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Painting

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Display window - TRUMP

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Facial expression - The tide of terror that swept America IS HERE THE SHINING A STANLEY KUBRICK FILM JACK NICHOLSON SHELLEY DUVALL "THE SHINING" SCATMAN CROTHERS DANNY LLOYD STEPHEN KING STANLEY KUBRICK DANE JOHNSON STANLEY KUBRICK JAN HARLAN STARRING WITH ASED ON THE NOVEL BY SCREENPLAY BY PRODUCED ANO DIRECTED BY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER PRODUCED IN ASSOCIATION WITH IHE PRODUCER CIRCIE CO From Wamer Broa wA Warner Communcations Company O werner Bros inc 1080 A Rigres Aeserved

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Face - TRUMP

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Cat - TRUMP AT AGAN

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People - rumor haç it @Brandilynn4Ever Replying to @kim "They are the virus" TRUMP GREAT AGAN 1:05 AM - Apr 16, 2020 · Twitter for Android

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Text - Zack Bornstein @ZackBornstein 28 Business Days Later (2020) future canon @futurecanon - Apr 15 Will be forever haunted by this image of protestors in Ohio demanding the governor open businesses back up Show this thread UMP 3:46 PM · Apr 15, 2020 - Twitter Web App

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Cap - NPRESIDENT TRUMP

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Art - its uncanny TRUMP NHDEAD OF COMEOY. WITH ZOMBIES.

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Social group - TRUMP

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Toy - playmobilm TRUM ACHTUNGI Ausstattungsvorschleg Erganzende Einrichhungsartikal in Artikal 5303 nicht enhalten 2 x 1,5V ATTENTIONI Room sets and additional figures not included in item 5303 Hwe or E Ai Ingertant t Perente Tae ed ter aenty abat do innes speran tenanoe gs faamage 80mautes mportete pas Tem de mont pres 60 mha ATTENTION I Les meubles et les figurines suppiementaires ne sont pas incus dans la boile 5303 no están incluidos en el producto30ynguras ATENÇÃOI Os conjuntos de quartos f

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Snapshot - UMP

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Trump Blasts Dr. Fauci Over Repeated Negative Remarks About Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—Reflecting the commander in chief’s growing frustration with the physician’s pattern of thinly veiled criticisms during the pandemic, President Donald Trump blasted Dr. Anthony Fauci Tuesday over his repeated negative remarks about the coronavirus. “Fauci has done some very good things, sure, but frankly,…

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WASHINGTON—Reflecting the commander in chief’s growing frustration with the physician’s pattern of thinly veiled criticisms during the pandemic, President Donald Trump blasted Dr. Anthony Fauci Tuesday over his repeated negative remarks about the coronavirus. “Fauci has done some very good things, sure, but frankly,…

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Jared Kushner’s Deterioration Inspires Hilarious Twitter Scrutiny

Let’s face it: Donald Trump’s son-in-law and Senior Advisor Jared Kushner doesn’t have many fans. The newspaper publisher and real estate investor has been at the heart of conflict-of-interest controversy since as early as 2017. Right now, however, most of the negative attention towards the dude is based on his appearance. Twitter user @calleread saw an old photo of Ivanka’s husband and was stunned by his apparent deterioration. She uploaded a photo comparing the old Kushner to the new and decidedly not-improved Kushner and other users were quick to theorize what had happened. From Botox to horcruxes, the theories are pretty hilarious. Especially if you’re a Kushner-hater yourself. 

Let’s face it: Donald Trump’s son-in-law and Senior Advisor Jared Kushner doesn’t have many fans. The newspaper publisher and real estate investor has been at the heart of conflict-of-interest controversy since as early as 2017. Right now, however, most of the negative attention towards the dude is based on his appearance. Twitter user @calleread saw an old photo of Ivanka’s husband and was stunned by his apparent deterioration. She uploaded a photo comparing the old Kushner to the new and decidedly not-improved Kushner and other users were quick to theorize what had happened. From Botox to horcruxes, the theories are pretty hilarious. Especially if you’re a Kushner-hater yourself. 

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Face - Calle @calleread I saw an old pic of Jared Kushner and I'm now completely freaked out. What happened to his face? DoN MECHANIC 7:28 PM · 4/12/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - Calle @calleread Yes, it's him. No, it wasn't 20 years ago. Now I have to mute because you all have been quote-tweeting this pic in my mentions all day (which I probably deserved). 6:30 PM · 4/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - ( קוליה שוני) yitzcock rammin @jewboomafoo Replying to @calleread and @ilana The first picture he was almost cute???????? What????? 3:41 PM · 4/13/20 from Boulder, CO Twitter for Android 123 Likes ilu hotzi @ilana_ 18h Replying to @jewboomafoo and @calleread I'm convinced these are pictures of two separate men 272 114

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Text - Stuff About Hockey™M suff eut @_hockeyStuff hockey Replying to @calleread Heroin hollows out the cheeks like that. 1:34 AM · 4/14/20 · Twitter for Android

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Text - * NotMyPresident! @candicejg1 Replying to @calleread 1. Blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery) 2. Lip filler 3. Chin implant 4. Rhinoplasty 5. Hot fucking mess. 9:46 PM · 4/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Face - Wendi Muse @MuseWendi 1d Replying to @calleread he's turning into stephen miller from all the hatred 26 2741 2,891 Calle @calleread · 22h The exact same dead, evil eyes! O 14 2721 ♡ 1,370

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Text - Lura Groen @lura_groen Replying to @calleread Too many horcruxes 7:34 PM · 4/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - Panelist Media @panelistmedia Replying to @calleread Steady diet of baby blood 8:00 PM · 4/12/20 · Twitter for Android

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Face - ornery on main @verybigpiss Replying to @calleread 3:15 PM 4/13/20 · Twitter for Android

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Text - lilithslilac @lilithslilac · 1d Replying to @calleread Hmm dimples gone, tip of nose shaved, hooded eyelids gone, upper lip and chin filled? Q 17 27 13 438 Zora Milaje @EmpressChisholm · 23h Every feature that made him somewhat cute is gone. Now he looks like he belongs in an episode of Dark Shadows. 27 11 O 609

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Text - David Rothschild @DavMicRot Replying to @calleread Standard villain makeover, you see it in the beginning of every comic book series. 5:03 PM · 4/13/20 · TweetDeck

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Text - 30-50 Novel Coronas @expelliarmoire Replying to @calleread Lost 25-30 lbs on an already slender frame. That's basically it. 4:31 PM · 4/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - Kitty Farmer #ForeverSanders @4SacredHoop Replying to @calleread It's interesting to see the side by side comparisons. It's like he's completely void of soul now. There doesn't appear to be any life in him. 9:08 PM · 4/12/20 · Twitter Web App

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Text - Katie Compa HARD PASS out now! @katiecompa HARD PASS Replying to @calleread If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of yo

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Text - Basqueing At A Distance @Basquerading Replying to @calleread GIF 6:55 PM · 4/13/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - Chase Thomas @ChaseThomas89 Replying to @calleread 7:29 PM · 4/13/20 from Salt Lake City, UT Twitter for iPhone

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Thirty Memes To Take Into The Corona-pocalypse

While some people might prefer to avoid all things corona-relatedduring this special time, there are others who take solace in knowing that we’re all in this struggle together. These memes will resonate with essential workers, anyone in quarantine, and pretty much every person who has been watching the news over the last few months. Hang in there, and stay healthy. 

While some people might prefer to avoid all things corona-relatedduring this special time, there are others who take solace in knowing that we’re all in this struggle together. These memes will resonate with essential workers, anyone in quarantine, and pretty much every person who has been watching the news over the last few months. Hang in there, and stay healthy. 

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Cartoon - Apocolypse we expected: What we got: SMoors

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Adaptation - Government: "follow these II steps to apply for assistance" The steps:

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Text - Trump: *says literally anything about the coronavirus* Dr. Anthony Fauci two seconds later: Everything that guy just said is bullshit.

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Photo caption - Me This quarantine sucks! Government You just bought yourself another 30 days, mister! Wanna keep going? I've got all of 2020.

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Cheezburger Image 9470061056

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Cartoon - Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for coming out tonight... INTERNATIONAL CTO AWARDS 2020 Most Effective Digital Transformation Leader of the Year CTO ANARDS 2020 INTERNATIONAL WINNER: COVID-19 PURELL AGENT-X COMICS wWW.AGENT-X.COM.AU

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Clothing - People who believe 5G causes coronavirus going to get the newspaper

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Arm - 99.99% bacteria God! Ah! [ Whimpering 00.01% bacteria I got you! I got you, brother. Hand sanitizer Oh, no, you don't!

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Dog - IN CASE THINGS GET BAD VERY SHORT LoiN Anyone seen the cat lately? BRISKET JUST SAYING

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Party supply - What everyone's birthdays will look like during the coronavirus outbreak abyyodadaly

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Text - MARTY YOU MUST NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE ANYTHING YOU DO COULD HAVE SERIOUS REPERCUSSIONS ON FUTURE EVENTS 99INE

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Sky - THE WALKING DEAD COVID-19 TM Cinema Magic

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City - Sister Celluloid @sistercelluloid Holy sweet baby Jesus look at Los Angeles without smog. This looks like some kind of fantasy painting. 1:31 PM · Apr 11, 2020 · Twitter for Android 1K Retweets 5.5K Likes

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Nature - Because of less Air pollution i can see mars from my Village

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Animated cartoon - NOW I WANT YOU ALL TO STAY AT HOME DURING THIS PANDEMIC AND STAY SAFE! EXCEPT FOR YOU SNEEZY . YOU CAN FUCK OFF. OMP

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Cat - People with april birthday this year COURMET

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Cartoon - YOU'RE SMILING? THIS ABDUCTION ISN'T TERRIFYING? HONESTLY ... I'M JUST HAPPY TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE FORA BIT.

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Text - 3:42 1 ll LTE Tweet Marcus Gray LaPorte @MarcusGrayDoor Things Covid has proven: 1. The job you were told couldn't be done remotely can be done remotely 2. Many disabled workers could have been working from home, but corporations just didnt want them to. 3. Internet is a utility, not a luxury 4. Universal healthcare is necessary

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Food - Me: "Lord thank you for this food. Bless it and make it good for my body. Amen." @jaredhooter The Lord:

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Product - Who says Costco employees can't have a little fun with everything going on? 13688 21 1377823 BARKOW 1368367 159.99 585578 KIRKLAND SIGNATURE 2 PLY BATH TISSUE I ROLL 239.99 1276005 HAT YELLOW GOLD NS FRESHWATER PEARL NECKLACE I 200.00 339.99

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Sign - This liquor store has jokes. HOME SCHOOLING? GET YOUR SUPPLIES HERE!

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Bottle - Stocking up essentials make your mental health a priority Breakfast "blend" for tomorrow

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Text - joking about a new plague happening new disease starts in china

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Text - Leaving your house after five weeks straight of nothing but Netflix I mean, trees? Everywhere trees? What the hell is this place Kennyell-Kurosaki

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Animated cartoon - ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS STAY INSIDE COULD YOU DUMB IT DOWN A SHADE? awwwwww ww

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Forehead - UNCLE YOU BETTER COME LOOK AT THIS THERE'S A CORONAVIRUS DENIER STANDING IN THE STREET made on imgur I SEEN ONE made on imgur NOT LIKE THIS JuSt Back FROM !!sPrInG bReAk!! I'M TOTES FINE! FREE HGIH 5's! DIAL 9-1-1. TELL THE POLICE TO GET UP HERE QUICK SOMEBODY'S ABOUT TO GET KILLED made on imgur

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Furniture - After watching news channel more than 2 hours.

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Photo caption - LOOKS LIKE GROUNDHOG DAY IS HERE TO STAY UNTIL MAY. OR LATER.

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Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom that arrived via four skeletal horsemen galloping through the sky. “On Jan. 3, the Trump administration…

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Illustration for article titled Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom that arrived via four skeletal horsemen galloping through the sky. “On Jan. 3, the Trump administration received its first notification that a quartet of ghostly riders had barreled out of the endless night—auguring death, despair, and a great cataclysm upon the earth—but the president did not begin to take the threat seriously until mid-March,” said Douglas Reisenthaler of the nonpartisan Institute for Federal Policy, a co-author of the report compiled from interviews with sources who asked to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to discuss torrents of blood raining from the Oval Office ceiling and flooding the West Wing. “For 10 full weeks, during which the White House could have been using the vast resources at its disposal to prepare for the final battle between good and evil, officials instead chose to downplay the coming apocalypse, minimizing omens such as the sudden rupture of the moon, which unleashed the black, inky trail of crows that continues to circle the Washington Monument. How many countless souls could have been saved from the dark ravages of hell simply by alerting the public that a beast with seven heads and 10 horns had emerged from the sea?” Asked about the report, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany replied that the ominous sound of seven trumpets was being heard all the time, and no one could have known these were the seven trumpets that would herald the 1,000-year reign of Satan on earth.

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Trump Overturns Presidential Limo While Touting Effectiveness Of PCP To Treat Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—Screaming about how great the drug works while beating on his chest, Donald Trump reportedly overturned a presidential limousine Tuesday while touting the effectiveness of PCP in treating coronavirus. “Don’t listen to all the bulllshit—this stuff right here will make you fucking invincible against Covid!”…

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Illustration for article titled Trump Overturns Presidential Limo While Touting Effectiveness Of PCP To Treat Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—Screaming about how great the drug works while beating on his chest, Donald Trump reportedly overturned a presidential limousine Tuesday while touting the effectiveness of PCP in treating coronavirus. “Don’t listen to all the bulllshit—this stuff right here will make you fucking invincible against Covid!” said the commander in chief, who had angel dust all over his face and was covered in scratch marks as he ripped off all his clothes, dashed across the National Mall, and dived headfirst into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool after dozens of Secret Service agents failed to restrain him. “I’ve been awake for 172 hours, let’s try to see that fucking virus try to get me now! Grah! Why even worry about the virus? The real thing you gotta worry about is these scorpions crawling around inside your skull!” At press time, Dr. Anthony Fauci respectfully pushed back against the president’s claims, saying that there had been no trial evidence indicating that phencyclidine was an effective means of treating Covid-19.

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Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic. “Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil…

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Illustration for article titled Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic. “Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil will travel to Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, where they will drill 6,000 feet below the earth in search of new, undiscovered mechanical breathing devices,” said Trump, signing the $86 billion deal that gave the oil company sole access to survey, drill, and extract from over 30,000 square miles of “vast, untapped reservoirs of respiratory ventilators.” “While this crisis is a challenge, I want to assure the American people that there are millions of medical devices lying just below the arctic surface, and all we need is ExxonMobil’s vast network of drilling rigs to find them. That’s why we’re also announcing the construction of a long-distance ventilator pipeline, as well as an exclusive, multi-billion-dollar contract with Shell to begin extracting ventilators on Native American reservations throughout South Dakota.” At press time, President Trump had reportedly once again downplayed the need for medical supplies after one of ExxonMobil’s largest offshore tankers exploded. 

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Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them…

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Illustration for article titled Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them to lock lips with infected coronavirus patients and pump air into and out of their lungs,” said Trump, who explained how the Department of Labor would be giving all out-of-work Americans an opportunity to take an accelerated training course to learn how to successfully provide ventilatory assistance to Covid-19 patients with their mouths. “States asked for help, and we’ve listened. This is going to save hundreds, potentially thousands of lives, and put our nation’s great service workers back on their feet. There are thousands of very, very sick people waiting across the country with their mouths gaping open.” At press time, Trump told reporters that if unemployment numbers continue to rise, that many of the jobless could take on roles as hospital beds.

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Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores,…

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Illustration for article titled Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores, including ceding at least the city of New York and potentially the entire state in order to meet the virus halfway and spare the rest of America from further suffering,” said Trump at a press conference, adding that his understanding of what the coronavirus wanted led him to believe that New York’s 54,000 square miles and nearly 20 million residents would be sufficient to placate the respiratory disease. “We’re not in a good situation right now, but I think we can find a solution that will make me happy, make the American people happy, and make the virus happy. This is a win-win and everyone gets what they want. This is a big, big change, but in the end we’re going to like the final result. I think this is a sacrifice everyone is willing to make. The virus should know that we respect where it’s coming from and how dangerous it is, which is why we’re offering a very big state. This is a very smart virus and it will know a good deal. I’d take this deal if I were the virus. Some of my advisors suggested Rhode Island or New Hampshire, but I know that won’t be enough. We’re hoping the coronavirus will be reasonable. We’re hoping that if we give the coronavirus New York that will be enough and it will go back to China or Italy or wherever it came from. Maybe we’ll throw in New Jersey as well.” New York governor Andrew Cuomo said he was willing to work with Trump but that ceding the entire state to the coronavirus was too much, and asked if he could reduce the offering to just the state’s prisons and migrant detention centers.

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Source Pheromones