Just A Bunch Of Weird & Nerdy Tumblr Posts

Every now and then Tumblrwill pop into our heads, reminding us that it still exists even after the site’s de-sexualization. While the porn freaks and horn dogs may not be on the site as much, there’s still a ton of geeky content being thrown into the ether. It’s the perfect way to waste time while in lockdown.

Every now and then Tumblrwill pop into our heads, reminding us that it still exists even after the site’s de-sexualization. While the porn freaks and horn dogs may not be on the site as much, there’s still a ton of geeky content being thrown into the ether. It’s the perfect way to waste time while in lockdown.

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Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference to address the growing Covid-19 pandemic, White House senior advisor Jared Kushner admonished resource-stricken states this week that they should have shown some foresight and planned ahead before joining the Union. “To any governors coming to me and saying the White House…

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Illustration for article titled Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference to address the growing Covid-19 pandemic, White House senior advisor Jared Kushner admonished resource-stricken states this week that they should have shown some foresight and planned ahead before joining the Union. “To any governors coming to me and saying the White House hasn’t given them what they need, I would urge them to ask why they didn’t consider these possibilities centuries ago when they first joined together into a federal republic?” said Kushner, singling out Texas’ governor in particular and questioning why the Lone Star state didn’t simply start stockpiling their own ventilators or face masks back in 1884 when they allowed the United States to annex them from Mexico.””Some of you, like Massachusetts or Virginia, have actually had several hundred years with the knowledge that our Constitution grants significant independence in resource allocation to individual states. Frankly, you could have decided way back in 1776 that this setup wasn’t for you. Instead, you impulsively formed a unified nation without even considering the consequences. I’m sorry if I don’t sympathize here.” Kushner stressed that he was tired of hearing excuses from states that didn’t begin building a respirator cache in the 18th century because they were busy with westward expansion or that modern germ theory simply had not yet been developed.

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Fresh Tweets With Something For Everyone

If you’re going out of your mind while in lockdown, you’re definitely not alone. Tending to sourdough starters and trying new recipes can only go so far. Fortunately for all the poor souls sinking into life’s listlessness, there’s a ton of entertainment to be had on Twitter. And this batch has something for everyone from exhausted parents to frustrated roommates.

If you’re going out of your mind while in lockdown, you’re definitely not alone. Tending to sourdough starters and trying new recipes can only go so far. Fortunately for all the poor souls sinking into life’s listlessness, there’s a ton of entertainment to be had on Twitter. And this batch has something for everyone from exhausted parents to frustrated roommates.

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Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic, the governors of several Southern states confirmed Thursday they have exempted religious services from their shelter-in-place orders, arguing that Covid-19 is a good Christian virus that wouldn’t dare to spread during church.…

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Illustration for article titled Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic, the governors of several Southern states confirmed Thursday they have exempted religious services from their shelter-in-place orders, arguing that Covid-19 is a good Christian virus that wouldn’t dare to spread during church. “As far as I can tell, this coronavirus is an upstanding and righteous disease that knows better than to continue its deadly outbreak within a house of God,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis said in a statement later echoed by Govs. Bill Lee of Tennessee, Greg Abbott of Texas, and Tate Reeves of Mississippi. “If we were talking about some sort of secular, atheistic virus, churchgoers might have cause for worry. But I believe in my heart this highly communicable pathogen will show respect during services and not do anything to harm the Lord’s flock on our day of rest. Now, what the virus does to the wicked, sinful people in our community—that’s between it and God.” At press time, sources confirmed Southern governors had taken steps to ensure all mosques would be closed indefinitely.

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Sandy Takes On The Alaskan Bull Worm In This New Spongebob Meme

This new dank Spongebob meme depicts tip-of-the-iceberg moments when you don’t realize how much worse something will get, which is perfect for right now given that we’re likely about to head into an apocalyptic April based on how the first part of 2020 has gone. 

Head on over to Know Your Meme for more examples!

This new dank Spongebob meme depicts tip-of-the-iceberg moments when you don’t realize how much worse something will get, which is perfect for right now given that we’re likely about to head into an apocalyptic April based on how the first part of 2020 has gone. 

Head on over to Know Your Meme for more examples!

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Effects Of Coronavirus On The Internet

As the spread of coronavirus has caused more Americans to isolate indoors, there have been many effects both on how people use the internet and on infrastructure itself—everything from changing behaviors, to reshaping work and education, to putting pressure on the grid. The Onion looks at the effects of coronavirus on…

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Illustration for article titled Effects Of Coronavirus On The Internet

As the spread of coronavirus has caused more Americans to isolate indoors, there have been many effects both on how people use the internet and on infrastructure itself—everything from changing behaviors, to reshaping work and education, to putting pressure on the grid. The Onion looks at the effects of coronavirus on the internet.


Coworkers discovering entirely digital character traits to dislike about you.


Likelihood of answering FaceTime call up 120%.


Uptick of bizarre celebrity videos revealing they need us more than we need them.

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Slight 2% increase in search queries for “COVID-19 symptoms” over 2018.


Google Maps usage up 30% so people can make sure it’s all still there.


Data shortages forcing Netflix to prioritize traffic for those less far into their shows.


American schools struggling to adapt to online active-shooter drills.


Pornographic films skipping theaters and going straight to streaming platforms.


Discovering internet grid one more thing private industry could have made fully functional but chose not to.

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BREAKING: This Is A Test Of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System

CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency content protocol. Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom…

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Illustration for article titled BREAKING: This Is A Test Of iThe Onion/i’s Emergency Headline System

CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency content protocol. Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom. This is only a test. Doom doom doom. This is not a real article. Doom doom doom. The Onion’s Emergency Headline System is conducting a test. Doom doom doom. The Onion doom doom doom broadcasters in your area doom doom doom in voluntary cooperation doom doom doom with federal, state, and local authorities have doom doom doom developed this system doom doom doom to keep you informed doom doom doom in the event doom doom doom of a headline emergency. Doom doom doom. Several reports indicated that if you have received this article, the test was a success, no further action is required, and you may return to your regularly scheduled content. For further emergency updates, please visit TheOnion.com/latest.

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‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they heard some kind of big commotion and decided to check out what was going on, the U.S. populace announced Thursday “They’re doing something to the street” while staring out of their windows. “Whoa, they’ve got a big truck out there and they’re making a hole,” said 327 million Americans…

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Illustration for article titled ‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they heard some kind of big commotion and decided to check out what was going on, the U.S. populace announced Thursday “They’re doing something to the street” while staring out of their windows. “Whoa, they’ve got a big truck out there and they’re making a hole,” said 327 million Americans who were pressed up against their windows, calling to their coinhabitants to come see all the guys in hard hats and safety vests who had sectioned off the road with traffic cones and were doing “something” with a big pile of rocks. “I wonder what this is for, since it seems like a lot of work. Oh, look, look, a guy just got into the hole, and someone just handed him a tool! Man, that’s crazy.” At press time, after making eye contact with one of the workers on the street, the U.S. populace smiled and gave them a thumbs up.

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‘March 1st vs. April 1st’ Memes Depict How God-Awful March Was

March was…not great. In fact, it was downright horrible and felt like it lasted for 3,467 days. Seriously can we all just fall asleep and wake up in June of 2021 when this is all over? The following memes depict how grungy we all became in the month of March. It hasn’t been pretty, and surprise, there’s still no end in sight!

March was…not great. In fact, it was downright horrible and felt like it lasted for 3,467 days. Seriously can we all just fall asleep and wake up in June of 2021 when this is all over? The following memes depict how grungy we all became in the month of March. It hasn’t been pretty, and surprise, there’s still no end in sight!

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Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement

MONTIGNAC, FRANCE—Stressing that they had been as astonished as anyone to learn the hideous creatures actually lived and congregated in the real world, a team of anthropologists from Oxford University who discovered the existence of goblins reportedly decided this week to just let the coronavirus thing die down before…

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Illustration for article titled Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement

MONTIGNAC, FRANCE—Stressing that they had been as astonished as anyone to learn the hideous creatures actually lived and congregated in the real world, a team of anthropologists from Oxford University who discovered the existence of goblins reportedly decided this week to just let the coronavirus thing die down before making their announcement. “Frankly, we assumed that goblins were creations of pure fantasy and I would have dismissed any evidence of them outright had my entire team not seen and verified their reality with their own eyes, which is why we’re just going to sit on this until the whole pandemic fiasco goes away,” said lead researcher Dr. Arthur Worcester, who indicated that he had been dumbstruck after stumbling onto hundreds of tiny enchanted hammers and golden trinkets during a routine excavation of the Lascaux cave complex before witnessing the fanged, cape-wearing beings gathering in a stone hollow for some sort of mischievous festivities, but that none of this changed the core fact that there were more pressing issues for most people. “We also found dozens of perfectly intact skeletons that appear to be preserved through some sort of goblin magic. All of this would confirm centuries of folktales and legends about these monstrous tricksters in a way that could frankly transform how humanity understands the physical world. I mean, Jesus Christ—goblins. Honestly, the fact that I have a few of them locked up in a cage in my office alone would probably make me one of the most influential scientists in human history. But we want this to get the airtime it deserves, and there’s this whole Covid-19 problem, so…I guess, we’ll just wait? Honestly, what else do you do here?” At press time, Worcester had advised his team that they could try submitting a few of the photographs of the goblins performing sorcery this summer to Nature or Science, but that he doubted they would gain any real traction given the current state of things.

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Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants…

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Illustration for article titled Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants close just a few months after being declared a high-risk environment where people are no longer allowed to frequent or dine,” said lead researcher Professor Cara Coleman, adding that while many bistros, cafes, and fine dining establishments may seem financially stable at first, they almost always run out of money once the authorities step in and make it physically impossible for staff to work, or for most of their customer base to purchase anything from their kitchen. “Unfortunately, it’s an extremely tough business, and the profit margin from food sales is almost never enough to withstand several months of a city’s residents being confined to their homes, no longer allowed to work, eat out, or travel. The reality is, no matter how good your food is, that first time someone gets arrested or slapped with a $10,000 fine for trying to eat at your establishment can destroy you.” At press time, Coleman advised restaurant owners to raise at least $10 million to $15 million in additional funding if they wanted to survive the next year.

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‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms

As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.

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Illustration for article titled ‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms

As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.


Chinese Virus:

Trump, among others, has adopted the preferred term of race scientists


Personal Protective Equipment:

Outmoded medical wear such as masks, gloves, and gowns that fell out of favor with fashion-conscious manufacturers over the past decade

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Zoonotic Disease:

Disease that can be passed between humans and animals, not that we’re trying to imply anything about what you were doing when you caught it


Lockdown:

The final track on Less Than Jake’s seminal 1996 album Losing Streak


Pandemic:

According to the World Health Organization, a disease that affects the United States and potentially other places

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Reverse transcription polymerase chain reaction:

Self-explanatory


Ventilator:

Legendary, mysterious apparatus that can only be found by the most intrepid adventurers

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R0:

Pronounced “r-nought,” a statistic that represents the contagiousness of a disease. For example, the coronavirus follows a classic pyramid R0, in which the disease ropes in individuals to contract it by assuring them they’ll earn a share of the lives of any individuals they, in turn, infect.

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Shelter In Place:

Stop what you’re doing and make a fort


Case Fatality Rate:

Death rate, which varies by age group, geography, and a government’s capacity to give a shit

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Sixteen Greed-Laden Corporate Memes Made Of Billionaire Tears

If you haven’t noticed, we’re living in some sort of dystopian hell reality right now. People are literally dying of a pandemic, the country is collapsing, and practically everyone is out of work. No one knows what the hell is going to come of any of this so we’re all just doing our best to survive. In the mean time, have some memes that poke fun at our corporate overlords!

If you haven’t noticed, we’re living in some sort of dystopian hell reality right now. People are literally dying of a pandemic, the country is collapsing, and practically everyone is out of work. No one knows what the hell is going to come of any of this so we’re all just doing our best to survive. In the mean time, have some memes that poke fun at our corporate overlords!

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Careless Imprisoned Migrants Showing Zero Respect For Social-Distancing Rules

EL PASO, TX—Revealing a total disregard for the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control, a photograph leaked Wednesday shows imprisoned migrants in a U.S. detention facility completely ignoring the social-distancing guidelines experts agree are necessary to contain Covid-19. “It’s like they’re not even…

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Illustration for article titled Careless Imprisoned Migrants Showing Zero Respect For Social-Distancing Rules

EL PASO, TX—Revealing a total disregard for the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control, a photograph leaked Wednesday shows imprisoned migrants in a U.S. detention facility completely ignoring the social-distancing guidelines experts agree are necessary to contain Covid-19. “It’s like they’re not even trying to keep 6 feet apart,” said Laura Britton, a local accountant and mother of three, who viewed the photo of several dozen detainees crowded together in a small cell and expressed frustration that the self-isolation efforts her family had undertaken would be “all for nothing” if so many others broke the rules. “We’re gonna have to quarantine even longer because of unbelievably selfish people like this. There’s eight of them sharing one bed, and not to be rude, but a lot of them look like they haven’t washed their hands in a long time. Some look really young, too, and while they may not be showing symptoms, they could still spread the disease to more vulnerable people. Seriously, where are those kids’ parents?” At press time, Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced it would begin strict enforcement of the CDC’s social-distancing guidelines by moving each of the migrants into solitary confinement.

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Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate

ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate. “It’s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay, but I never thought I’d have to wager…

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Illustration for article titled Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate

ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate. “It’s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay, but I never thought I’d have to wager on medical research companies and computer chip manufacturers to get my fix. I always thought those people were sick,” said Laramie, adding that ever since he’d fallen into this dark underworld, he has taken pains to hide his stock portfolio from his wife so she wouldn’t stage an intervention. “The rush I get from seeing the Dow Jones up 4% is unbelievable. Man, I really need baseball to come back so I can break out of this downward spiral. I almost blew my kid’s college fund buying Tesla stock. What have I been reduced to?” At press time, Laramie was donating $5,000 to his favorite local bookie to help them survive the pandemic.

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Just A Bunch Of Memes For The Prevention Of Insanity

If you’re going out of your mind from boredom and depression, don’t fret. We’re working hard to make sure you’ve got a steady stream of arguably pointless content to keep you from losing all your marbles. Quarantine might make some people confront their demons, but as long as we’ve got memes we’ll live in blissful ignorance and avoidance. Cheers!

If you’re going out of your mind from boredom and depression, don’t fret. We’re working hard to make sure you’ve got a steady stream of arguably pointless content to keep you from losing all your marbles. Quarantine might make some people confront their demons, but as long as we’ve got memes we’ll live in blissful ignorance and avoidance. Cheers!

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Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine

NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York’s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large, sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines. “We recently sent multiple convicts to…

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Illustration for article titled Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine

NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York’s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large, sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines. “We recently sent multiple convicts to solitary confinement for trying to inoculate themselves with Covid-19 antigens they made in their cell toilets using yeast stolen from the mess hall,” said warden Lou Adamos, who has led a crackdown on the correctional complex’s black market for immunizations, in which items such as cup noodles and cigarettes are traded for contraband cell cultures and test tubes to create vaccines that are then tested on rodents infesting the facility. “Even though having a good vaccine can make you the king of the yard, we hope these punishments will send a message that trying to swipe syringes from the infirmary to run trials on your adjuvants isn’t worth the risk. We’ve also restricted visitation privileges for all inmates suspected of engaging in coronavirus vaccine R&D, as we now know many visitors have smuggled in tools that have been used to build improvised chromatography chambers.” At press time, sources reported that guards on Rikers had become frustrated after the entire prison population became immune thanks to the bootleg vaccine achieving a 100% efficacy rate.

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Seventeen Mental Health Memes Because The World Is Completely Effed

We all know about how horrible everything in the world is right now. Your mental health is probably going to complete sh*t right now and no one can do anything about it. We don’t really have any advice to give you, but we do have these relatable memes to offer you in hopes that they’ll help you feel at least a little bit understood.

We all know about how horrible everything in the world is right now. Your mental health is probably going to complete sh*t right now and no one can do anything about it. We don’t really have any advice to give you, but we do have these relatable memes to offer you in hopes that they’ll help you feel at least a little bit understood.

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Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American. “In the interests of encouraging film viewers to…

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Illustration for article titled Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American. “In the interests of encouraging film viewers to be safe, we have chosen to skip theaters altogether and instead reach audiences by transmitting this epic tale of a legendary warrior who risks everything for her family into the minds of all current U.S. residents,” said Disney Bob Chapek, encouraging the 330 million domestic viewers of Mulan to reduce transmission of the coronavirus by staying home, where regions of their brain vital to memory formation and linguistic processing would be hijacked to deliver a dazzling, unforgettable cinematic experience. “Fans who were disappointed to hear of the film’s delayed release will be relieved to know that on Apr. 17 at 6 p.m., their visual and auditory cortices will be overwhelmed with impressions of Liu Yifei portraying a fearless young woman who disguises herself as a man to fight for her country in her father’s stead. Our Imagineers have ensured this mostly radiation-based procedure will allow one’s sensation of self to fade away completely until their entire experience of reality becomes Mulan. We’re certain that having every detail of this movie vividly and permanently etched into your long-term memory will be well worth the temporary loss of motor function, moderate risk of intracranial aneurysm, and mandatory charge of $14.99.” Hillman went on to confirm that Disney would be streaming the 1998 animated version of Mulan on a continuous loop in the dreams of each American for two weeks prior to the new film’s release.

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Fifteen Financially Unstable Memes Featuring Joe Exotic

If you still haven’t seen the Netflix show Tiger King, well then you’re missing out. Everyone’s talking about it and it’s helping us forget about that bad thing that’s happening in the world right now. Scroll down for some dank memes featuring out man Joe Exotic, and click here for more Tiger King memes!

If you still haven’t seen the Netflix show Tiger King, well then you’re missing out. Everyone’s talking about it and it’s helping us forget about that bad thing that’s happening in the world right now. Scroll down for some dank memes featuring out man Joe Exotic, and click here for more Tiger King memes!

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