I Didn’t Consent To This Life

Funny meme about not having children, the curse ends with me

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Mommy Group Facebook Posts That Range From Cringey To Full Karen

As younger people abandon Facebook for Instagram and TikTok, it seems like we’re more aware of all the crazies that frequent the social networking site. Some of the best places to find unhinged and ignorant people are mommy/parenting groups. There’s an overwhelming number of Covid-19 nonbelievers, people who do extremely weird sh*t with breast milk, and of course – lots of talk of essential oils. If the children are our future, and they’re being raised by these people, we might be more screwed than we thought. 

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Text - Yesterday at 4:26 PM • A When having an unassisted birth if something goes wrong do you call an ambulance ? Also how long do you wait to call the ambulance, I'm a dog midwife so if the dog doesn't push the second pup out within 4 hours you take her in to the emergency vet. So like is there anything with humans ?

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Text - 2:28 facebook So thinking a protest to open playgrounds in is needed...anyone else agree? I am not want to start things like this but come on...the least affected by Covid but forced out of all activities. They are not planning opening playgrounds until July 1 and maybe not even then! Our kids need outside play and other cities around us have opened. I know I can easily take my kids to other playgrounds but we rely on walking to them. We as parents should be the ones to decide what is saf

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Text - this is just absurd. I want all adults to get exercise and am all for it. But if there's one thing this Mama Bear has had enough of during this situation, it's the KIDS being robbed of their rights because they don't have a voice. Adults who are allowed to go to restaurants and grocery stores and work and lap swim could also be the highest risk people for covid, while the extremely extremely low risk kids are punished and not allowed to do the low risk and healthy life-giving activities t

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Text - I currently have covid 19 and I'm 15 weeks. But my symptoms were not bad at all, and I'm actually back at work even though I'm positive and me and baby are just fine 47m Like Reply

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Text - Replies Children under 12 shouldn't wear a mask, especially under 5. The mask truly doesn't help anyways and restricts their airways! Don't waste your time. Maybe tell your children they are super heroes who don't have to wear one because the rest are villains. Or something funny. Lol 18 9h Like that is what I was thinking! He wants to wear it which I find funny but I like your idea! 9h Like Agreed with all of this! 8h Like 2

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Text - 23:26 tacebook 9+ 21 23 hrs Facebook Mentions So... I am the meanest mom ever... Like... Ever. Took the kids to Dairy Queen after dinner. They ordered their dessert choices and we waited about 5 minutes for them to call out our number. The young lady (maybe 17) handed each child their ice cream. Not one looked her in the eye. Not one said thank you. Not to her, not to me... So I waited. I counted to 10 in my head as they dug into their ice cream and the young lady just looked at me (proba

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Text - Does anyone have any solid research on using essential oils for toddlers? My son's OCD is becoming a huge struggle for him and I would so much rather try something natural over medicating like his pediatrician is pushing for. But I feel like everything I'm seeing for oils under the age of 6/7 is so conflicting! Any tips on where to find good info? O Like Comment

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Text - I hope NO store MAKES me wear a mask. I am sorry but with my medical problems I REFUSE to wear a mask. A mask will make me MUCH sicker. I talked to an employee the other day in Wal-mart and she told me since wearing a mask she now has dizzy spells and headaches. She said she has been MUCH sicker wearing a mask. I told her it is because she probably can't breathe in the darn thing. O

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Finger - 9 hrs · 9 Hi guys , sorry about the pic. I was wondering if something like this (silicone rubber) could be used as an arm made with a shoulder for children that are forced to vaccinate, thoughts?

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Text - 10:22 & 6 al 72% Posts 48 mins • E Have any of you mamas had any luck with putting potato in the sock of your child to really pull out any sickness?ceu O Like Comment 1 rep! I did with my husband. He had a fever and was vomiting (a couple years back) and I did this. The next morning he woke up feeling better. 01 44m Like Reply

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Text - ott Pa IVIUI.. 3 hrs · A Would you want your teen child put on psych medication after attempting suicide? What holistic and natural ways would you approach healing trauma to address suicidal thoughts depression ptsd? My 13 yo daughter is coming home from impatient after taking a bottle pills last weekend. I would honestly try oils! I can give you a website where people write their testimonials and maybe you can find something there. http://www.oil-testimonials.com/ Essential Oil & Aromath

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Text - created a poll i 59 mins Should our children be forced to learn to use Arabic numerals as part of their mandatory curriculum? Yes Votes No votes 46 88 Comments O Like Comment

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Text - 3 days ago So, I wish these teachers would do this to make my life easier. these teachers should get our child a laptop, give them access to wifi, set up a ONE ON ONE tutorial for our kid to complete their homework, text them a reminder of their scheduled time the night before, and THEN an actual WAKE UP CALL once they're late?! .... who agrees with me? I miss school. I miss teachers #Respectusparents 14 O 14 O 26

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Text - Hi can you please post anonymously? Hi everyone, I have a kid starting Ki GD in the fall. The idea that they wont be opening and will continue distance learning is not an option for me. My husband is an essential worker and I have a full time job so being home with two young kids while working at a demanding job is not sustainable. I am thinking about starting a class action lawsuit against EESD and the state as they are blocking the education of my 5 year old who will likely not get much

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Text - 5:08 1 •.. I think boys and men should look like boys and men. There is already so much going against these roles in this world today. Something as easy as cutting their hair to allow them to stand apart is important !! 12 5h Like Reply says who? LIKE керту What? 5h Like Reply .what? 5h Like Reply Thats just my opinion. Gender has become very fluid these days and I don't agree with it. I believe God created men and women to be unique and very different from one another including in the wa

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Skin - About 2 days ago, I fell asleep with the window open and got mosquito bites. So did my son. But mines cleared up and my sons is now bigger! It originally was the size of maybe a dime 2 days ago now it's about a dollar quarter size. Is it infected? Should I be concerned? I thought that if I took the day to put medications and gauze on it that it was somewhat help .. but here we are. Also, if it matters. He's VERY clumsy. Falls at least 10 times a day, so when it's began to scab he's fallen

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Text - Has 5 mins Is it safe to have house keeper back ?1 am desperate can't clean anymore 1 Comment Like Comment hal Following. Totally in the same boat!

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Hair - Them Follow When a childless person tells me they're "tired"

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Text - 1 hr · A Any mommas wipe pumped milk all over their face after a shower? No? Just me? Okay. O Like Comment 1

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Font - 7:47 93% Posts Moderator • 3 hrs We fixed the shitty viral meme going around. Enjoy hoars #admin Choose Formula Breastmilk Not Loved Loved Breast IS Best O Like Comment b45 View previous comments Write a comment... (GIF FB/Sanctimommies

21.

Text - 1:55 O 86° 4G 94% 3 facebook 5 nrs • K How many you ask your partner to leave so you can give birth? I feel like having to consider him in things is stalling my labor. He hasn't done any research or if he has then he doesnt talk to me about any of it. It feels like he expects me to walk him through everything and it's honestly a huge hang up for me because I have a ton of resentment and anger towards him. I was thinking how healing this birth could be for us and blah blah blah but to be h

22.

Text - 1 min • Hi, I'm wondering if anyone has hard fact evidence that ventilators do more harm than good for the treatment of covid please? I'm looking for my mom bc she believes they are helping ppl. Thank you O Like Comment

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Text - 7:17 O 4G 65% facebook Here's where I sound judgy. But I am just trying to show how "you" are no better Just envision this. You are worried about getting sick so you wear a face mask and vinyl gloves to the grocery store. You then put items like hot pockets and soda in your cart. Not one fresh produce and nothing that resembles vegetables except the micro meal that probably has a few veggies in it. A weeks worth of food, but none of it looks like food. On top of it all you buy a carton of

24.

Text - Yesteruay at 7:07 pm · Serious question, I expect a serious reply. Trolls just keep to yourselves. Here goes. I have several different types of healing crystals in a silk purse, which is supposed to keep them pure. One crystal is for use when I get a headache. The other crystal comes out when I am down and need to lift my mood. Given both crystals seem to work just fine, is it remotely possible that theres a crystal which helps prevent CoVid 19 and others? Or am I expecting too much? othe

25.

Text - ... In times of need, don't forget there are mothers out there with spare breast milk! O Like Comment Share 17 1 share Getting a pump now to help sweet babies! 9w Like Reply I don't have much but can help 9w Like Reply Moms with coronavirus will actually have the best breastmilk to fight this shit. Antibodies LLb lol 9w Like Reply

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Text - Yesterday at 2:29 pm IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THE NARRATIVE: "Stop calling it "Quarantine". Quarantine is for the sick. This is house arrest.. Stop calling it "Social Distancing". There is nothing social about forced isolation. Stop saying "Safer at Home". Because for millions of people in abusive situations and with mental health struggles, their home is anything but safe.. Stop saying this is for the "Greater Good". No good can come from the government picking and choosing who is essential a

27.

So angry right now. My daughter got scanned at school today... Get this, after they played together in the playground in the morning before class. Please research the risks of this new devices they are using. If there was a Virus wouldn't you think they would be at the gate as you enter. Do not let them scan you child on the forehead where your 3rd eye is!!!! I put her in Steiner school to try and get away from all this. I feel it was very sneaky. I have told her not to consent to it and have pr

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Product - Facebook App Sponsored · O Join 8-year old fashionista, Fas she celebrates the Asian and Pacific Islander children's authors that have been keeping her entertained at home with help from THE BOOK CLUB KIDZ Facebook Group. #APAHM #MoreTogether Schoo om Hume Ciderd Tbh. I'm tired of prodigy kids. Especially now! Let them be young! Let them be curious! 7m Like Reply

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Text - ... 10 hrs Does anyone sneak breast milk into their toddlers food to give them an extra boost of vitamins? I have a little extra each day and think it would help protect against Covid? What do you think? 12 38 Comments O Like Comment I sneak my milk into scrambled eggs.. good for the whole family lol

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Text - I just think of the WW2 generation and my ancestors who fought in the American Revolution. Just for us to be told we have to wear masks and can't go to church bc of a virus with a 0.1% mortality rate? It's mind boggling! But don't get me wrong. I don't want the virus! But I also think I either had it or will get it at some point. 6. 4h Like Reply

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Fifteen Parenting Memes For People Tired Of Their Kids

We know you love your kids, but with this “homeschool” thing, you just need a damn break for five minutes. So here’s to you, the brave parents who didn’t ask for any of this crap to happen. 

If you’re feeling so inclined, eBaum’s World has more parental content here!

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Product - Me: let's get dressed! My toddler: I DO IT MYSELF!! *20 mins later* @thestinkerbel

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Text - Me trying to recreate the conditions of the last time my baby slept through the night Nap length 2 hr 10 min total 68 degrees Dino pajamas alue Sleep sack zipped 87% Waves goodnight to houseplant 16 minute bath (plays with alligator toy only) Dinner : 3 fish sticks 27 peas F

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Cat - When it's my husband's turn to get up with the baby but he claims he didn't hear him crying... @they_callmemommy

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Text - Me: Are you pooping?! My toddler standing in the corner: @MOMMYMEMEJEANS LIV MSNE

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Vehicle door - It's a lovely day. I'm going to take Danny outside and wash the What a wonderful idea! car with him stock key BusinessL Monkey Busihesst

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Organism - Little kids tryna make sure you see them coughing

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Poster - Interesting, You can't find your shoes, but you can find a tiny bit of onion in your dinner. l.s

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Text - Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal My wife and I announce when we're going to the bathroom, but it's more a way of saying, "I'm not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it's all your fault."

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Property - Pre-Baby After Baby

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Car - "Why don't you want anymore kids? They are such a blessing!" My blessing: BULG

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Blond - How you feel after carrying your toddler around for too long @stavathomiesblog

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Food - Me as a parent Oh fuck Oh well

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Wildlife - Feeling like a bad parent? Quokkas toss their babies at predators so they can escape

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Face - Types of Headaches Migraine Hypertension Stress Children ONDECENTMEG @fHEDECENTMOTHER

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Eyewear - Kids be like "Watch this" then do a jump and spin wasting my fucking time

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Bedtime Story

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George Washington Memes That Depict The First President As An Absent Father

Here’s an interesting bit of historical trivia: George Washington helped raise step-children from wife Martha Washington’s previous marriage, but the two never had biological children since George was likely left sterile after a bout of smallpox. Of course, we’re pretty sure George was incredibly sad about this too, but these memes paint him as absent and Martha as baby-crazy. Despite their historical inaccuracy, we found them hilarious, and we’re pretty sure you will too. 

Check out more history memes from eBaum’s World here!

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Stock photography - roses are red violets are children dammit martha

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People - i got u a wedding present martha tofor is it children dammit no martha

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People - martha, that child thing touched my hands be nice do u not know what germs are martha

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Canidae - so i adopted this lafayette kid aw yiss calm down martha

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Poster - u have some visitors better not be those damn ghost children again dammit martha *o0000000000*

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Fashion - do u need anything from the store moar children no martha

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Art - hey there kiddo martha put the net down

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Art - don't let martha get fireworks or children

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People - martha what u let the ghost children back in didn't you

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Photo caption - I see you adopted another random kid we need 12 more Martha, no

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Art - get this child thing off of me

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Text - HEY i told u kids to stay in ur roomS go back thru that wall now marthaaaaaaaaaaa the children are floating again

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Sitting - did you take the kids to soccer practice we fired cannons in the backyard u had one job george

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History - she's adopting more behind my back isn't she martha stop

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Soldier - I'm the Father of ur Country and ur children

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Horse - do u like our halloween decorations those are our children george scared the hell out of me

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Stage - i'm dying *o000odo000* golly geez stop imitating the children george cut some eyeholes in this sheet martha

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People - don't trick or treat near my house why not martha has child radar yref

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Photograph - the census bureau has lost count of ur children FOR FRICKIN FUDGE SAKE MARTHA

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Tree - congratulations the entire orphanage was adopted yesterday marthaaaaaaaaaaa

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Sitting - i'm gonna read this family the best goshdamn story you ever heard not the one about the british spoilers martha

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Art - trick or treaters at the door martha let the ghost children answer it Scare the hell out of them no george free candy martha

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Text - ghost children ate ur cake there's icing on ur mouth george banish the ghost children martha

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Dog - one day all this will be yours hat? no that's mine dammit

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Art - get this child thing off of me

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Painting - this child sure makes a good arm rest

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Art - *0000 OoooOoo srsly martha lock the damn doors

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Funny Moments of Kids Being Stupid and Weird

You don’t need to interact with a kid for long to know that kids are weird and dumb. It makes you wonder how stupid you were as a kid. Hopefully you’ve learned a few things since then. As they stand, children don’t know anything, have very strong opinions, wield a twisted sense of reality and are easy to trick. Here’s more moments of kids being bizarre and stupid.

You don’t need to interact with a kid for long to know that kids are weird and dumb. It makes you wonder how stupid you were as a kid. Hopefully you’ve learned a few things since then. As they stand, children don’t know anything, have very strong opinions, wield a twisted sense of reality and are easy to trick. Here’s more moments of kids being bizarre and stupid.

1.

Text - Anne Thériault @anne_theriault 9yo didn't want to try my lemon loaf but when I rebranded it as "lemonade cake" he was interested

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Text - ®andom ©unt @HereComesCunty Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn't get picked in a game she was playing alone 5:48 PM - 15 Apr 20 · Twitter for iPhone

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Text - When I was a kid I thought the epilogue at the back of a book was actually "Apology" and that there were all these authors with really low self-esteem, like after you've finished reading they're just saying, "I'm sorry for that"

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Text - r/AskReddit Posted by u/damitabbas • 8h What was the most fucked up thing you saw in school? 1 17.0k + 6.6k A Share BEST COMMENTS -Lo_l-• 8h · Some kid kept shitting in the sink e. 370013 · 8h • In first grade a boy pulled his pants . violet-waves • 7h S 1 Award A kid jumped over the balcony to try and beat the rush on mashed potato day. He broke both his legs. Did not get his potatoes. 17.0k Reply

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Text - Metro by T-Mobile 97%Í 10:59 Tweet Ramen Noodles @MrAberdeen1 I was a dumbass kid, when I first thought we were getting Chinese food I asked my dad "Do we have to go to China?" and he jokingly said "Yep!" so I cried for 20 minutes because I didn't want to move 10:58 AM · 21 Apr 20 · Twitter for Android ili View Tweet activity

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Text - Yeste rday at 9:32 AM · O A nurse's 9 year old daughter left this on the sidewalk by their house so she could see it when she returned home from the hospital. Her daughter mixed up the E and O. I.can.not.stop.laughing!!!!!!!! ORE LTVE

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Text - Chizzy @ChaChingChizzy Went thru my son Ipad this morning + Search YouTube O paw patrol 9 barney how to fight my dad 9 how to hump 9 learn numbers O ryan 9:30 AM · 22 Apr 20 · Twitter for Android

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23 Funny Pics That Prove You Never Need To Grow Up

It’s almost the weekend, what better way to celebrate than by reminding ourselves not to kill our inner children? We can get so sucked into our jobs, what society expects, and the general grind. It’s important to remember to live and laugh a little.

It’s almost the weekend, what better way to celebrate than by reminding ourselves not to kill our inner children? We can get so sucked into our jobs, what society expects, and the general grind. It’s important to remember to live and laugh a little.

1.

Shark - My Boyfriend Is A Seller On Amazon. This Is What I Came Home To Facebook.com/listables.co

2.

Cat - Today My Boyfriend Bought A Label Maker Facebook.com/listables.co CAT

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Costume - Heard My Husband Telling The Dog To Stay Still In The Kitchen, Walked In And This Greeted Me Facebook.com/listables.co there dom do ** Billbn

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Photo caption - We're Adults And We Get To Decide What That Means: The Home Depot Edition Facebook.com/listables.co oic

5.

Snapshot - Saw This Man Sneakily Blowing Bubbles In The Train Station When I Made Eye Contact With Him And Smiled, He Came Up To Me And Whispered, "No One Suspects The Adult" Facebook.com/listables.co

6.

Arm - My Buddy Wins Father's Day Today. "I Woke Up Today With A Missed Call From My Mom And About 15 Tags To Beat The Cheerio Stack Record. 10 Hours Later It Has Been Broken" Facebook.com/listables.co

7.

Motor vehicle - He Got His Head Stuck In The Porch Yesterday Whilst Trying To Feed A Dead Bee To A Spider That Lives In The Bushes Facebook.com/listables.co

8.

Text - Farting Boyfriend Causes Neighbors To Call Police ho Facebook.com/listables.co Farting boyfriend causes neighbors to call police 5 thar ber car anno 1500 CLAWSON neighbor living in an apartment along Maple Road, just west of A concerned Shoe begin Linda Wood Royal finish police d noise Livernois Road, called police after and hearing what she thought was a domestic violence issue. The neighbor. police said, thought she could hear a female rage at-old yelling, "Stop," and, "No," and 21 that

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Arm - This Is How My Boyfriend And His Cat Catch Bugs Together Facebook.com/listables.co

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Product - Look At All These Kids MNE Star Nars STAR WARS MASHERS STAR WARS kMusic YOU OR OYS STAR STAR WARS JTAR WAR

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Photo caption - My Dad Thought He Was Home Alone. I Had To See Why He Was Laughing So Hard Facebook.com/listables.co

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Drink - Boyfriend Knocked Over His Orange Juice, Waitress Brought Him This Facebook.com/listables.co

13.

Text - Fixed Our Bathroom Picture. Wife Is Not Amused Facebook.com/listables.co Sing like no one is listening Love like you've never been hurt Dance like no one is watching Poop like na one Can Smeil it

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Event - One Of My Best Friends Married His Girlfriend Yesterday. Our Other Best Friend Was His Witness Facebook.com/Ilistables.co

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Light - There Was A Storm During The Eclipse So He Improvised Facebook.com/listables.co TCheck the a DPrsSOURCE

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Text - My 90-Year-Old Grandfather At His Battlestation. He Was The Person Who Introduced Me To Several Tech Things, Such As A PC, An iPad, And A Tesla Facebook.com/listables.co

17.

Text - During A 12 Hour Flight Delay My Boyfriend Wandered Off. When I Found Him He Was In The Middle Of A Pixar Movie Marathon With A Group Of 5-Year-Olds. He's The One For Me Facebook.com/listables.co

18.

Photograph - My Friend's Dad Is In Boston Sightseeing Today Facebook.com/listables.co

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Plastic - What Happens When I Send My Husband To The Store And There's An lce Cream Sale Facebook.com/listables.co Cara BEN& RAL Pki Nry BEN&JERR Pint pit ulAPat Pintt MDE LOND OR LICN SERTRE

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Hand - Caught My Husband Red-Handed. Thought He Was Working Out Facebook.com/listables.co

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Cartoon - Printed And Attached To Wife's Spraying Air Freshener While She Wasn't Home. Spits Acid Every 30 Minutes Facebook.com/listables.co

22.

Room - My Wife Bought New Couch Pillows You Can Draw On. Immature Me Couldn't Resist PENTS Facebook.com/listables.co

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Product - My Husband Is No Longer Allowed To Go To The Craft Store Alone Facebook.com/listables.co AWARNING Chidren have STRANGLED or partialy buckled harnens Saty reatrae the chudsoee carmeris used outside the ve AWARNING

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22 Texts From The Beautiful & Messy World Of Parenting

Parenting is a lot of things, but it sure as hell ain’t glamorous. These texts manage to capture the laughs, the exhaustion, and the poopy truths of raising children. We just hope they don’t trigger you too much.

Parenting is a lot of things, but it sure as hell ain’t glamorous. These texts manage to capture the laughs, the exhaustion, and the poopy truths of raising children. We just hope they don’t trigger you too much.

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Lambs Take Over Children’s Playground (Video)

While the people are away, the lambs shall play! An adorable video of lambs taking over a the roundabout on the children’s playground, taken by Debbie Ellis and shared on Facebook, is going viral. 

And it just might be our favorite animals-on-lockdown sighting yet.

Be sure to click on the fullscreen button to see the lambs in action!

While the people are away, the lambs shall play! An adorable video of lambs taking over a the roundabout on the children’s playground, taken by Debbie Ellis and shared on Facebook, is going viral. 

And it just might be our favorite animals-on-lockdown sighting yet.

Be sure to click on the fullscreen button to see the lambs in action!

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Evidence of Kids Being Stupid and Weird

We all know that kids are weird and stupid. We remember being dumb as rocks at that age too, so it’s not a surprise. They get things wrong, have really strange obsessions, freak out over nothing, say mean things and make ridiculous mistakes. Children are strange and stupid people who deserve to be made fun of.

We all know that kids are weird and stupid. We remember being dumb as rocks at that age too, so it’s not a surprise. They get things wrong, have really strange obsessions, freak out over nothing, say mean things and make ridiculous mistakes. Children are strange and stupid people who deserve to be made fun of.

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Man Who’s Really Excited To One Day Have Children Must Be Pedophile

ROCHESTER, NY—Insisting there could simply be no other plausible explanation for his strange desire, sources confirmed Friday that local man Dave Katko, who is reportedly really excited to one day have children, must be a pedophile. “He’s been talking nonstop about how fulfilled he’ll be once he finally has kids—ugh,…

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Illustration for article titled Man Who’s Really Excited To One Day Have Children Must Be Pedophile

ROCHESTER, NY—Insisting there could simply be no other plausible explanation for his strange desire, sources confirmed Friday that local man Dave Katko, who is reportedly really excited to one day have children, must be a pedophile. “He’s been talking nonstop about how fulfilled he’ll be once he finally has kids—ugh, gross,” said Carmen Wilson, explaining that she was “incredibly creeped out” after her date shared photos of his niece and nephew on his phone. “You can tell he’s obsessed just from the look he gets in his eyes when he talks about holding his future son. He’s always going on about the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps, how he’ll love his children no matter what. What a fucking sicko. And he says he wants at least two! How disgusting.” At press time, Wilson was convinced her date was thinking about kids while having sex with her.

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Child Doing Stations Of The Cross Reflects On Boredom Christ Must Have Felt During Crucifixion

GREENVILLE, OH—Reaching a more profound understanding of what martyrdom really meant, local 12-year-old Charlie Ward reportedly took a moment Friday while doing the stations of the cross to reflect on the boredom Jesus Christ must have felt during the crucifixion. “At first, I wasn’t really paying attention, but as I…

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GREENVILLE, OH—Reaching a more profound understanding of what martyrdom really meant, local 12-year-old Charlie Ward reportedly took a moment Friday while doing the stations of the cross to reflect on the boredom Jesus Christ must have felt during the crucifixion. “At first, I wasn’t really paying attention, but as I slowly worked my way through all 14 stations, I began to realize just how mind-numbingly dull it must have been for Jesus to be crucified,” said Ward, confirming that the multi-part devotion had helped him comprehend Jesus’s rote and tedious experience of falling multiple times and encountering various people as he carried the heavy wooden cross. “It’s really moving to think that our Lord loves us so much that he was willing to shoulder this amount of insipid monotony. I know I’m going to remember it every time I make it through another grueling church service or Sunday school lesson.” At press time, Ward noted that finishing the stations of the cross had strengthened his resolve to do whatever he could to avoid the eternal torpor of Hell.

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Thread Explains Why Kids Should be Taught to Respect Pets

If it didn’t seem obvious before why kids need to be taught not to screw around with animals, this thread goes into a lot of detail as to why nobody wins when a kid angers a pet. A dog can’t exactly say “quit poking me in the eye” without seeing a bit threatening. For some lighter stuff, here are professional dogs who take their work seriously as well as sleeping dogs in silly positions.

If it didn’t seem obvious before why kids need to be taught not to screw around with animals, this thread goes into a lot of detail as to why nobody wins when a kid angers a pet. A dog can’t exactly say “quit poking me in the eye” without seeing a bit threatening. For some lighter stuff, here are professional dogs who take their work seriously as well as sleeping dogs in silly positions.

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Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For First 5 Or So Times

NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or…

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NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or so times they do it. “Despite the long-held belief that some important life lessons are best taught by having your child place the muzzle of a firearm between the soft and pleading eyes of a beloved puppy or kitten and pulling the trigger, intensive research unequivocally demonstrates that children do not experience emotional growth after shooting their fourth or fifth animal, and the repeated slaughter of beloved pets may actually begin to have an effect opposite from that intended,” said lead researcher Margaret Franklin, adding that the results were the same whether the animal being shot was a beagle, Scottish Fold kitten, guinea pig, or even an iguana. “We tested this extensively, with one group of children shotgunning over 40 animals from as many as 12 species, and in each case, we began to see diminishing returns, some as early as pet number three. After that point, rather than learning a healthy respect for death, children become numb to it, in many cases even begin actively seeking the power associated with it.” At this point in the study, Franklin could neither confirm nor deny that substituting of the children’s aging grandparents might be more effective.

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Times Dumb Kids Were Accidental Comedians

Tiny terrors. Maniacal minions. Kids, while sometimes a total blessing, give us all a run for our money and make insane asylums seem like a sexy vacation. At their worst, their meltdowns can bring us to tears. At their best, they melt our hearts. If we’re lucky, they make us laugh with their histrionic tendencies, creative threats, and inventive spelling. This gallery of snot-nosed gold includes all of the above – and might help you laugh away the pain of being a parent.

Tiny terrors. Maniacal minions. Kids, while sometimes a total blessing, give us all a run for our money and make insane asylums seem like a sexy vacation. At their worst, their meltdowns can bring us to tears. At their best, they melt our hearts. If we’re lucky, they make us laugh with their histrionic tendencies, creative threats, and inventive spelling. This gallery of snot-nosed gold includes all of the above – and might help you laugh away the pain of being a parent.

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Stupid Things People Believed as Kids

It’s no myth that children are bizarre and stupid. They believe every lie, have a horrible sense of logic, and a lot of them can’t read. So it makes sense that many of us remember the incredibly dumb things we believed as children. Some of them even make some sense before you remember how stupid you were.

It’s no myth that children are bizarre and stupid. They believe every lie, have a horrible sense of logic, and a lot of them can’t read. So it makes sense that many of us remember the incredibly dumb things we believed as children. Some of them even make some sense before you remember how stupid you were.

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Moments that Prove Kids are Bizarre and Stupid

If you had like a coworker who was a child, you’d never get anything done. We know that from our own experiences as children that kids are weird and dumb. Sure, they’re still learning that life makes no damn sense, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that kids are strange and stupid.

If you had like a coworker who was a child, you’d never get anything done. We know that from our own experiences as children that kids are weird and dumb. Sure, they’re still learning that life makes no damn sense, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that kids are strange and stupid.

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People Face Their Childhood Fears With This Amusing Twitter Meme

As a kid, your underdeveloped brain can often cause you to not fully grasp things for what they are. For example, a creepy-looking character in a TV show will seem a lot scarier when you don’t realize that it doesn’t actually exist in real life. 

These people took to Twitter to show their selfies next to an image of the things that scared them the most as kids!

As a kid, your underdeveloped brain can often cause you to not fully grasp things for what they are. For example, a creepy-looking character in a TV show will seem a lot scarier when you don’t realize that it doesn’t actually exist in real life. 

These people took to Twitter to show their selfies next to an image of the things that scared them the most as kids!

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Funny and Insightful Things Said by Kids

@livefromsnacktime collects the funny and strange things adults overhear kids say. Kids can be stupid and weird but every once in a while they fall backwards into some insightful and accidentally funny comments. When kids aren’t having hilariously irrational meltdowns, they’re commenting on life goals and pancakes.

@livefromsnacktime collects the funny and strange things adults overhear kids say. Kids can be stupid and weird but every once in a while they fall backwards into some insightful and accidentally funny comments. When kids aren’t having hilariously irrational meltdowns, they’re commenting on life goals and pancakes.

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Wholesome Tweets About What Gives People Hope

Garfieldwas definitely onto something. Mondays seriously suck. To combat the malaise, the pain, the sheer agony of everyone’s least favorite day, we’ve put together this assortment of replies to a Twitter thread about what gives people hope. It’s important to remind yourself that life isn’t actually hopeless – not even on Mondays!

Garfieldwas definitely onto something. Mondays seriously suck. To combat the malaise, the pain, the sheer agony of everyone’s least favorite day, we’ve put together this assortment of replies to a Twitter thread about what gives people hope. It’s important to remind yourself that life isn’t actually hopeless – not even on Mondays!

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Trump Makes Powerful Pro-Life Case By Speaking About The Joys Of Neglecting A Child

WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall, President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child. “Of course, I’m a father, and I had my thoughts about terminating them all, but I’m standing before you…

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WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall, President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child. “Of course, I’m a father, and I had my thoughts about terminating them all, but I’m standing before you today to tell you that I’m glad I didn’t because I would never have gotten to experience the simple but incredible pleasures of pawning them off on the help for the first decade or so of their lives,” said Trump, defending the anti-abortion movement with a stirring speech about how profoundly being an absent and indifferent father had affected his life. “I wish I could describe to you how good it feels to avoid every soccer game and piano recital, and how incredible it’s been watching them grow from a child I couldn’t care less about to an adult I barely know. Whether it’s Ivanka, Don Jr., or one of the other two, they’ve each been a blessing that I never would have known if they had been aborted.” Trump went on to bring several audience members to tears by describing in detail the moment he first realized he’d be able to bully and emotionally terrorize his children forever. 

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Proof that Children are Strange and Stupid

Kids are weird, dumb and easily tricked. All we can say is that we were this stupid once too, but that doesn’t make kids not stupid. They make irrational demands, have unrealistic dreams, and believe just about anything. There’s a lot of evidence out there that goes to show how kids are stupid and weird.

Kids are weird, dumb and easily tricked. All we can say is that we were this stupid once too, but that doesn’t make kids not stupid. They make irrational demands, have unrealistic dreams, and believe just about anything. There’s a lot of evidence out there that goes to show how kids are stupid and weird.

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Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism

PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average…

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PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average 10-year-old girl is 70% less likely than her male counterpart to be interested in protecting a makeshift scavenger den against the mutants, deviants, and roving marauders who crawled forth from the wreckage of society as compared to their male peers, so we knew we had to do something,” said Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, who demonstrated prototypes of his company’s “Little Miss Prepared Track ‘n’ Trap” kits, demure brushed-steel suitcases trimmed with rose gold and equipped with survival gear including lengths of pink rope, small floral-accented commando shovels for digging beginner-sized tiger pits, and razor wire looped into heart-shaped deployment reels. “Primary school-age girls tend to fall behind on important skills that will prove vital in our inevitable post-society future, such as knotwork, sharpshooting, and demolitions expertise, and our kits give them the chance to get the same hands-on experience as boys. There’s even an optional pink plastic survival knife that can be used to pretend to whittle wooden stakes and spears, so girls as young as four can develop intimidation soft skills even when they’re not actively assembling a trap. We at Hasbro believe that girls are just as able to subsist in The Burned Land as boys.” Hasbro plans to eventually expand the line to include food canning kits, an E-Z Fry fingerprint-burning chemistry set, and a picture book titled The Princesses’ Guide To Burying Gold Bullion.

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Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun

GUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz, known as Chamberlain of the Void, Lord of the Unglimpsed, and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal, confessed Monday to “feeling like a complete idiot” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase…

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GUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz, known as Chamberlain of the Void, Lord of the Unglimpsed, and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal, confessed Monday to “feeling like a complete idiot” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase Humbert instead of a full-grown adult who could buy a gun. “Chase was the 666th child born in that hospital, has a pretty passable-looking Mark of the Beast birthmark on his back, often stares at people without blinking or speaking, and seemed like a perfect fit at first, but I’m starting to think I really blew it,” said Artaraz, admitting it would be far easier to achieve his ambitions of sowing chaos and discord by spirit-riding a healthy 24-year-old white male into a gun shop to buy an automatic rifle instead of trapping himself in Humbert’s useless child body, which lacks the muscle mass to even push a babysitter out a fifth-story window. “I mean, I’m definitely making this kid’s parents miserable, what with all the screaming and the crayon pictures of people with their eyes blacked out, but that feels like small potatoes compared to what the average non-possessed American does every other day with a gun. Compared to that, a kid speaking in a deep voice as crimson light pours from his eyes is fairly trivial, even if he does get his hands on the grown-up scissors.” Artaraz has reportedly taken some small inspiration from common news stories featuring young children who have managed to find firearms in their mother’s purses with what the demon called “glorious results.”

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Roundup Of Posts About Tiny Humans For The Tired Procreators

To all the parents out there: we get you. You’re tired and you just need a little salvation. We’ve got some memes that’ll help you feel understood, at least for a few minutes. So tell your spouse to watch the kiddos for a few minutes and go get some much-deserved peace and quiet, dammit.

To all the parents out there: we get you. You’re tired and you just need a little salvation. We’ve got some memes that’ll help you feel understood, at least for a few minutes. So tell your spouse to watch the kiddos for a few minutes and go get some much-deserved peace and quiet, dammit.

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When People Realized Their Kid Was Dumb

We can’t totally blame kids for being weird and dumb, but we can at least laugh at the stupid things they do, as well as the dumb things we did when we were kids. Strange and interesting things will come from the mind of a child who doesn’t exactly know how the world works. They’re constantly proving that they’re stupid and weird.

We can’t totally blame kids for being weird and dumb, but we can at least laugh at the stupid things they do, as well as the dumb things we did when we were kids. Strange and interesting things will come from the mind of a child who doesn’t exactly know how the world works. They’re constantly proving that they’re stupid and weird.

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Pathetic Man Cries When He’s Upset Rather Than Screaming At 3-Year-Old Son To Shut The Fuck Up

BILOXI, AL—Stressing that he was both a pitiful excuse for masculinity and an utterly spineless little worm, reports confirmed Monday that Kevin Chinowski was a pathetic man who cries when upset rather than simply screaming at his 3-year-old son to shut the fuck up. “Jesus, what kind of shriveled husk of manhood lets…

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BILOXI, AL—Stressing that he was both a pitiful excuse for masculinity and an utterly spineless little worm, reports confirmed Monday that Kevin Chinowski was a pathetic man who cries when upset rather than simply screaming at his 3-year-old son to shut the fuck up. “Jesus, what kind of shriveled husk of manhood lets himself tear up when he’s sad instead of yelling at his kid to knock it the hell off?” said sources close to Chinowski, adding that, when overwhelmed, the timid weakling was more likely to retreat to his bedroom and muffle his sobs in a pillow than lash out at his wife and son before smashing his plate into the trash in an impressive display of dominance. “It’s the sort of parenting that will just make his son grow up into another castrated wuss like him. Pretty soon, this kid is going to honestly believe that screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs and punching the wall until your knuckles are bloody isn’t the best way to deal with your anger. It’s a vicious goddamn cycle.” At press time, the effete male was spotted backing down to another father’s request that they let the children have a playdate at his house rather than beating the fellow parent to a pulp on the sidewalk to regain his status as an alpha male.

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10 Best Places To Raise A Family

Known for its safety, great schools, and affordable housing, Raleigh is the perfect place for your children to still gradually grow to resent you for reasons entirely beyond your control. Enjoy the mild climate as your kids direct their bitterness toward you in the city’s revitalized downtown or on its quiet,…

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Anywhere, If You Have Money

Offering private tutors, world-class tennis coaches, and a safe, nurturing environment, literally anywhere you go if you and your partner each make more than $100,000 per year has quickly become one of the most popular places to raise a family. Your child has everything he or she needs—namely, the vast opportunities afforded by money—right in the town you currently live in, or in any other place, really, so long as you fall into the appropriate income bracket. Enjoy!

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Weird Things Kids Asked Mall Santas for Christmas

Kids are weird and dumb. Sometimes they get really specific thoughts stuck in their head and given the choice to ask for anything they could ever want, will choose to ask for something like a box of kleenex or a really old pug. Here are some strange experiences for the holiday season.

Kids are weird and dumb. Sometimes they get really specific thoughts stuck in their head and given the choice to ask for anything they could ever want, will choose to ask for something like a box of kleenex or a really old pug. Here are some strange experiences for the holiday season.

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Heartwarming: This Boy’s Dying Wish Was For Mattress Firm Stores To Move Into 8 Vacant Retail Locations In His Town, And Mattress Firm Made It Happen

Well, get the tissues ready, because the incredible people behind Mattress Firm are about to make you ugly cry, big time. After decades of helping men and women all over the country, they just gave back to a struggling customer in the most epic way: When this dying boy wished for Mattress Firm stores to move into…

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Well, get the tissues ready, because the incredible people behind Mattress Firm are about to make you ugly cry, big time. After decades of helping men and women all over the country, they just gave back to a struggling customer in the most epic way: When this dying boy wished for Mattress Firm stores to move into eight different retail locations in his town, Mattress Firm made it happen.

Oh, god. Here come the waterworks.

Yep. With doctors giving him just months to live, 9-year-old cancer patient Chase Prescott asked for something incredible: for Mattress Firm to open eight new retail locations in his hometown of Cleveland, OH so no one would ever have to travel farther than a few miles to shop for a new bed. While at first it seemed like a long shot for the company to handle that much expansion so quickly—in only a few months—Mattress Firm was able to grant his wish by filling more than half a dozen abandoned storefronts in the metro area with retail locations.

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Yes! Just yes! Chase may have had a short life, but he got everything he ever wanted.

How did they pull that off, you may ask? By taking over a shuttered Halloween Express, an old Big Lots, this place that has had, like, four different vape shops in it in the last year, and even the former home of a different mattress store called Mattresses Plus. Plus, Chase even got to get wheeled into each newly opened Mattress Firms, smiling and crying after seeing wall-to-wall displays of Serta, Sleep Number, and Tempur-Pedic brands—all sold at fair, Mattress Firm prices.

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“When we heard Chase was sick, we were more than happy to rapidly expand into an urban environment that was currently underserved by the bedding market,” said Mattress Firm’s CEO John Eck. “We are happy to hear that this young man recognizes and supports our strategy, and we look forward to serving his mattress needs for years to come. Also, we are sorry for his parents’ loss.”

Wow. Now that’s how a company shows heart.

While Chase only got to see the new locations for a mere 24 hours before passing away, we’re sure this gave his life an incredible end. According to his family, even though he never got to buy a mattress in a low-pressure, customer-friendly environment, the idea of giving Clevelanders a Mattress Firm within walking distance was all he needed to die with a smile on his face.

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Simply beautiful. Sleep well, Chase!

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Doctors/Nurses Share Times A Child Wasn’t The Father’s

Someone on AskReddit asked for doctors and nurses to share their experiences with encountering couples that realized the kid was not the father’s. Talk about a full-fledged nightmare situation. There’s not really any coming back from that. The sobering moment of realization has got to be the living definition of soul-crushing. Can’t even imagine. 

Someone on AskReddit asked for doctors and nurses to share their experiences with encountering couples that realized the kid was not the father’s. Talk about a full-fledged nightmare situation. There’s not really any coming back from that. The sobering moment of realization has got to be the living definition of soul-crushing. Can’t even imagine. 

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Relatable Memes For All The Exhausted Parents

These memes are for the tired. The haggard. The hungry, and the overworked. The parents who might smell like spit-up, and the parents who wake up with goldfish crumbs in weird crevices. These memes are for anyone who’s had to say no to a cranky kid, and for anyone raising a picky eater. We salute you, and hope these memes make you feel seen.

These memes are for the tired. The haggard. The hungry, and the overworked. The parents who might smell like spit-up, and the parents who wake up with goldfish crumbs in weird crevices. These memes are for anyone who’s had to say no to a cranky kid, and for anyone raising a picky eater. We salute you, and hope these memes make you feel seen.

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Mom Scolds Child For Pointing At Homeless Man Instead Of Ignoring His Very Existence

ARCATA, CA—Yanking the girl into the grocery store to avoid further embarrassment, local mom Tara Cochran scolded her daughter Wednesday for pointing at a homeless man instead of ignoring his very existence. “Sophia, no. We do not acknowledge a homeless person’s humanity, it’s impolite,” said Cochran, quietly…

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ARCATA, CA—Yanking the girl into the grocery store to avoid further embarrassment, local mom Tara Cochran scolded her daughter Wednesday for pointing at a homeless man instead of ignoring his very existence. “Sophia, no. We do not acknowledge a homeless person’s humanity, it’s impolite,” said Cochran, quietly admonishing her daughter’s rudeness while avoiding eye contact with the man sitting on a dirty piece of cardboard begging for change. “You’re going to make him feel bad instead of making him feel invisible. We need to be respectful of these people by treating them as objects blocking the sidewalk. If they talk to you first, then it’s ok to shake your head and murmur “Sorry, can’t help,” but otherwise, leave them in destitute peace. Yes, even if you have some change, you shouldn’t go giving it to them because that’s wrong.” Cochran went on to explain to her daughter why it’s important to tell the Salvation Army bell-ringer that you just donated, even if you didn’t.

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Mother Eventually Accepts Her Trans Child, Restoring Our Faith In Humanity

There are those times when you feel so frustrated talking to someone that you just want to lash out and not give them any more of your time. This story, however, demonstrates that sometimes kindness and patience is the only way to convince them of your point of view. 

For this mother of a transgender child, it’s clear that all she needed was to be put in her child’s shoes. Now, who’s cutting onions in here?

There are those times when you feel so frustrated talking to someone that you just want to lash out and not give them any more of your time. This story, however, demonstrates that sometimes kindness and patience is the only way to convince them of your point of view. 

For this mother of a transgender child, it’s clear that all she needed was to be put in her child’s shoes. Now, who’s cutting onions in here?

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Outlandish Lies that Kids Told Other Kids

What can we say? Kids are dumb. Growing up, everyone had that kid at school who tried to get away with as much BS as possible. Sometimes a kid tried to convince everyone else he had a pet dinosaur, or that his dad was a secret agent. And since we were all kids and no one knew better, sometimes we’d go on believing these idiotic lies for days before that same kid’s dad picked him up from school in his catering truck. Lying to kids seems to be a big part of the human experience, hence these adults who are still salty about the unjust lies they were told as kids. Some people are just dumb and try lying to their healthcare professionals. And some people still try to lie online just for fake internet points.

What can we say? Kids are dumb. Growing up, everyone had that kid at school who tried to get away with as much BS as possible. Sometimes a kid tried to convince everyone else he had a pet dinosaur, or that his dad was a secret agent. And since we were all kids and no one knew better, sometimes we’d go on believing these idiotic lies for days before that same kid’s dad picked him up from school in his catering truck. Lying to kids seems to be a big part of the human experience, hence these adults who are still salty about the unjust lies they were told as kids. Some people are just dumb and try lying to their healthcare professionals. And some people still try to lie online just for fake internet points.

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Amusingly Outrageous Lies Kids Have Told One Another

If there’s one thing kids have no lack of, it’s imagination. Hell, they create entire languages with one another. So when @Jon_Bois asked his Twitter followers to share “the most outrageous lie another kid ever told you when you were a kid,” the results, while incredibly entertaining, were hardly surprising to us. Of course a kid would tell his friends he spent his absent days fighting Shredder of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame. And of course people believed him. Imaginative and gullible kids are truly a blessing to the the world. And here’s a crap load of their amusing lies in one convenient place.

If there’s one thing kids have no lack of, it’s imagination. Hell, they create entire languages with one another. So when @Jon_Bois asked his Twitter followers to share “the most outrageous lie another kid ever told you when you were a kid,” the results, while incredibly entertaining, were hardly surprising to us. Of course a kid would tell his friends he spent his absent days fighting Shredder of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame. And of course people believed him. Imaginative and gullible kids are truly a blessing to the the world. And here’s a crap load of their amusing lies in one convenient place.

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Twenty-Six Redditors Share The Dumbest Wholesome Things They Used To Believe

Kids really say (and believe) the darndest things. As a gullible kid, a friend once told me that she and her father were addicted to shawarma. She said there was nicotine in the meat and that the two of them absolutely had to get their fix daily or they’d become cranky jerks. I believed this for at least a year until my own family took me for some tasty sandwiches. 

While some AskReddit threads can feature dark and unsettling tales from peoples’ pasts, this one has proved to be some seriously wholesome respite from our case of the Mondays. And is a pleasant reminder that nobody is alone in believing some seriously weird (or seriously funny) tidbits or ideas.

Kids really say (and believe) the darndest things. As a gullible kid, a friend once told me that she and her father were addicted to shawarma. She said there was nicotine in the meat and that the two of them absolutely had to get their fix daily or they’d become cranky jerks. I believed this for at least a year until my own family took me for some tasty sandwiches. 

While some AskReddit threads can feature dark and unsettling tales from peoples’ pasts, this one has proved to be some seriously wholesome respite from our case of the Mondays. And is a pleasant reminder that nobody is alone in believing some seriously weird (or seriously funny) tidbits or ideas.

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Parenting Memes For The Tired Goblin-Wranglers

Anyone with kids will understand these parenting memes on a deep, spiritual level. We get you – raising offspring has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world and you get virtually no gratitude for it. 

Is it all worth it? We have no idea, we were hoping you would…

Anyone with kids will understand these parenting memes on a deep, spiritual level. We get you – raising offspring has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world and you get virtually no gratitude for it. 

Is it all worth it? We have no idea, we were hoping you would…

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Precocious 5-Year-Old Already Holding Long, Pointless Business Meeting With Stuffed Animals

NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed…

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NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed complacency and a sense of self-importance wildly beyond his years as he rounded up plush monkeys, teddy bears, Elmo, and dozens of other toys, then made them sit in rows for multiple hours as he pontificated about a wildly impractical idea to build a wooden railroad across the kitchen floor that had just occurred to him that morning and which he hadn’t fleshed out in the slightest. Sources further confirmed that on multiple occasions, the boy modulated his voice to ask a question as one of the female elephant attending the meeting before cutting her off and repeating a less coherent version of the same idea as though he himself had just thought of it, showing off his preternatural gifts for micromanagement and wasting his subordinates’ time as he distributed crayon-drawn pictures of his vague future expectations for playtime that he had already voiced numerous times before. The preschool-aged wunderkind then reportedly paused to take a heated call from an owl on his Vtech Kids Smartphone in front of the entire meeting, displaying a rare combination of natural thoughtlessness and quickness to anger that will serve him well as a corporate executive, before informing the assembled stuffed animals that he was very busy when his real plan was to sit on the couch and watch Sesame Street. At press time, the gifted 5-year-old had cemented his place among the nation’s future business leaders by reaming out a push penguin for poor job performance in front of everyone and telling it that it had better be off the premises by snack time.

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Random & Relatable Memes That Make For A Perfect Distraction

It may technically be the beginning of the week, but dear lord does it feel like we’ve been doing the 9-5 thing for an eternity. To help combat your Terrible Tuesday woes, we’ve put together this mix of triggeringly relatable memes and shitposts. It’s said that laughter is the best medicine, and while these memes may not elicit a guffaw, they could inspire a light chuckle. 

It may technically be the beginning of the week, but dear lord does it feel like we’ve been doing the 9-5 thing for an eternity. To help combat your Terrible Tuesday woes, we’ve put together this mix of triggeringly relatable memes and shitposts. It’s said that laughter is the best medicine, and while these memes may not elicit a guffaw, they could inspire a light chuckle. 

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‘The Onion’ Announces New Nationwide Literacy Program Encouraging Kids To Read ‘The Onion’ For An Hour A Day

WASHINGTON—Serving as America’s Finest News Source for over 200 years, The Onion has always been at the forefront of educating and enlightening the drooling masses of this great nation, and now, more than ever, we must fight for future generations’ right to be informed, uplifted, and spoon-fed talking points by…

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WASHINGTON—Serving as America’s Finest News Source for over 200 years, The Onion has always been at the forefront of educating and enlightening the drooling masses of this great nation, and now, more than ever, we must fight for future generations’ right to be informed, uplifted, and spoon-fed talking points by massive corporations. It is in that grand tradition that The Onion is proudly announcing our new nationwide literacy program encouraging pre-K and grade-school children to read The Onion for an hour a day. Studies by the Zwiebel Institute for Underhuman Enrichment have shown that just one hour a day of reading The Onion is directly correlated with higher lifetime earnings, admission in Ivy League colleges, higher testosterone levels, and a 40% growth in the critical “perceptiveness” and “dominion” sections of the brain. Doctors observing Onion readers over a 20-year period also discovered a 75% decrease in heart disease and a 350% surge in the number of sexual partners. The Onion believes no child should be denied such a happy and healthy future. Even if children are not yet capable of reading, simply starting for one hour at The Onion’s award-purchasing photography and elegantly designed homepage should advance them several grades ahead of their less-informed classmates. Kids can also share in the joy of human social interaction by reading their favorite Onion articles aloud to their classmates or holding a discussion about how much The Onion has affected their lives and improved the world. The future is now—we owe it to our children and their children after them to build a world where The Onion is read and understood by every man, woman, and child. So please, do your part, and help bring this literacy program to your school, megachurch, or doomsday bunker today.

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Unfair Advantage: Wealthy Families Are Paying Thousands Of Dollars To Have Men Chuck Apples At Their Kids’ Heads If They Aren’t Studying

It often seems like when it comes to educational success, the odds are heavily stacked in favor of the rich. Sadly, this story just goes to show how badly the game is rigged: Wealthy families are paying thousands of dollars to have men chuck apples at their kids’ heads if they aren’t studying.

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It often seems like when it comes to educational success, the odds are heavily stacked in favor of the rich. Sadly, this story just goes to show how badly the game is rigged: Wealthy families are paying thousands of dollars to have men chuck apples at their kids’ heads if they aren’t studying.

Totally unfair. These kids have had every leg up in life, and this only increases their chances of succeeding over their peers.

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According to a recent educational survey, well-to-do parents are paying up to $10,000 a year to hire silent, overalls-clad men to follow their children around and pelt them with apples any time they show signs of becoming distracted from their studies. Many parents providing this extra help for their kids will stop at nothing to give their offspring an advantage, paying exorbitant hourly rates to hire the strongest, most accurate apple throwers available to follow their kids to classes and after school study sessions and ensure they get an apple to the dome the second they so much as glance at their phones while they should be working.

This is another glaring example of how the so-called meritocracy isn’t actually based on merit at all. Ever since the trend popped up in upper-class American suburbs, testing data have shown that kids who get bonked on the head with a big, red apple every 10 to 15 minutes while they do their homework score consistently higher on the SAT and have more successful college applications than their counterparts.

“It’s totally unfair that some of my students have the luxury of looking over their shoulders every time they stop studying only to see a man staring at them, apple in hand, winding upwhereas other kids just have to motivate themselves,” said Nancy Devlin, a Westchester County public school teacher in New York. “We’ve created a system in which only kids with the money to pay for dozens of hours a week of extra help,and bushels upon bushels of apples can succeed.”

Lower-income kids all over America are doing their best to keep up with their more privileged counterparts, but many have to settle for hurling apples back and forth at one another or asking tired, overworked parents to distractedly toss fruit at their heads while cooking dinner. And many of these kids’ families are able to afford no more than a single, meager red delicious apple while their wealthier classmates pay for entire sacks full of dense whoppers of the honeycrisp variety.

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Sadly, this is just how education works in our highly unequal country. Our nation’s Department of Education needs to figure out a way to get enough strong men and apples to help all of our school children achieve. Until then, good grades and higher education will remain the province of the rich.

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Community Holds Vigil Honoring Child Killed Before Having Opportunity To Return Fire

WATERLOO, IA—Commemorating a life which came to a sudden tragic end before reaching its true counteroffensive potential, mourners from across the community gathered for a vigil outside a Waterloo-area Walmart Sunday evening to honor the memory of 8-year-old Liam Pike, who was killed in a mass shooting at the store…

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WATERLOO, IA—Commemorating a life which came to a sudden tragic end before reaching its true counteroffensive potential, mourners from across the community gathered for a vigil outside a Waterloo-area Walmart Sunday evening to honor the memory of 8-year-old Liam Pike, who was killed in a mass shooting at the store last week before getting a chance to return fire. “Today, we join together to celebrate young Liam, a future straight-shooting hero who was taken from us far too soon,” said Reverend Derek Mullhern of Waterloo Baptist, who consoled Melody Pike, Liam’s mother, in her grief at never getting to see her son grow into a big, strong, good guy with a gun who would surely have fired off several careful shots at the gunman. “Because of the selfish, misguided actions of one undoubtedly disturbed and anomalous individual, Liam will never exercise the God-given right to load a handgun, jump over a table while laying down suppressive fire, grit his teeth, and carefully squeeze the trigger while growling ‘not today.’ It is a tragic day for our community.” The vigil was immediately followed by a second vigil in the northern section of the parking lot to memorialize 32-year-old Robert Wilson, a local history teacher and a good guy with a gun who actually managed to take down the shooter before immediately being shot and killed by police. 

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5 Professional Yet Polite Ways To Respond When Your Child Says They Love You

Life with children can be messy and complicated, and it’s easy to let your etiquette go out the window when your child says something emotional and over-the-top like, “I love you.” Here are five things you can do to keep your response polite and professional when this situation comes up.

1. Offer a firm handshake

When your toddler runs up to you and screams, “I love you, Mommy,” try extending a hand to initiate a strong, confident handshake to send him the message that you respect and value his input. Make sure to maintain eye contact in order to let him know that you are sincere in your commitment to fostering an amiable, mutually beneficial partnership together.

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2. Say,“I appreciate that. It means a lot coming from you.” 

It can be easy to get swept up by emotion if your daughter draws you a picture and says, “I made this for you because I love you,” so it’s always a good idea to deescalate the situation by responding, “I appreciate that. It means a lot coming from you.” This is a great phrase to have in your arsenal to keep the conversation professional and appropriate. Expressing your gratitude will give your child the sense that her love has been duly noted and will be on your radar moving forward, and will remind her that she is a valuable member of your family’s team.

3. Send a handwritten thank-you note

Everyone appreciates a handwritten card, so a gesture like this is the ultimate way to add a personal yet polished touch to the way you respond to your child when they say they love you. When your son or daughter says, “I love you,” mailing them a note that says, “Thanks so muchit’s always great to hear from you,” is a polite courtesy to extend to them in return.

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4. Reciprocate with a compliment

When your son whispers, “I love you,” to you at bedtime, this can be a great time to compliment him on his behavior as your child. Saying something like, “Those are lovely Paw Patrol pajamas,” or “I really enjoyed your story about the big dog you saw this morning,” is an easy and tactful way to maintain proper conversational etiquette.

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5. Bow deeply

In many cultures, a bow is a sign of great respect, so this is a great formal option for thanking your child when she blows you a kiss or extends her arms to say, “I love you THIS much!” A simple bow will communicate your profound esteem for your childa perfect way to maintain the foundation of cordiality and professionalism you have worked so hard to cultivate in your relationship with her.

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Moments That Go to Show How Kids Are Weird and Dumb

Kids are stupid people. We’re not saying children’s stupidity is their fault. Their brains just don’t work too good. We’ve seen it in ourselves when we we kids, and we see it in them every day. They give us a lot of evidence and moments of failure that articulate exactly how poorly a young mind works. They learn though. Well, most of them anyway.

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70-Year-Old Man Worried He Running Out Of Time To Have Kids

Photo: The Onion

TOPEKA, KS—After spending decades focused solely on his career and then retirement, local 70-year-old man Dennis Lambert was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was running out of time to have kids. “My biological clock is ticking, and I’m concerned there won’t be many more opportunities to start a family,” said Lambert, explaining that when you’re “getting up there” in age, there are certain realities you have to start thinking about, namely that you may only have 10 or 20 viable years left to father a child, unless you want to be that 95-year-old dad playing with his kid at the park, being watched in silent judgment by onlookers. “I’m worried that I’m going to wake up one day and realize the chance to have children has passed me by because I’m dead. It just sucks that as a man, you only have this small, 80-year window in which you are able to procreate and that you are forced to choose between enjoying your retirement or having children.” At press time, Lambert was considering freezing his sperm.

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Child Pointing Out Cow On Side Of Road Must Think Parents Don’t Have Fucking Eyes

AMERICA CITY, KS—As he peered out the window of his family’s Dodge Caravan and spotted the animal right in the middle of a pasture where nobody could miss it, 2-year-old Owen Kincaid reportedly pointed out a cow to his parents Monday, acting as if they don’t have eyes in their fucking heads. “Cow!” said Kincaid, who, though sources confirmed his mother and father have made eye contact with him since the day he was born, is apparently enough of an idiot to think they can’t see the goddamn 1,500-pound bovine directly in their field of vision—or else enough of an asshole to think he needs to remind his college-educated parents what a goddamn cow is. “Look, look! Cow.” At press time, sources confirmed the piece-of-shit toddler, who appears to consider himself a fucking expert on such matters, informed everyone in the car that cows go moo.

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Kids Freaking Out for Stupid Reasons

People assume it’s easy to be a kid, like the whole “not working or paying taxes” thing. That said, a lot of us forget about the challenges of growing up. A lot of being a kid is learning how stupid you are, and discovering all the ways the world can disappoint you. These result in meltdowns over stupid things. Seriously, kids have a lot of dumb meltdowns.

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Beto O’Rourke’s Son Concerned Trump Will Order Ukraine To Investigate Him Next

EL PASO, TX—Worrying over whether he had ever engaged in any activity that might hurt his father’s candidacy, Henry O’Rourke, the 8-year-old son of White House hopeful Beto O’Rourke, expressed concern Tuesday that President Trump might instruct Ukraine to investigate him next. “What if those Ukrainian guys find out about that time last year I got my recess privileges taken away for acting up in class?” the visibly panicked third-grader said as he repeatedly searched beneath his bed and inside his closet to make sure there weren’t any unfinished school assignments or other incriminating materials that could be used against him or his father. “I don’t think I’ve done anything too bad, but I’d better cover my tracks just in case. Oh God—there is that time I copied my friend Tyler’s math homework! It only happened once, though, and I don’t think he’ll talk. Still, they went after Hunter [Biden], and it’s only a matter of time before they start digging up dirt on me.” The young O’Rourke added that he was glad his father never gained enough influence in Congress for anyone to ever accuse him of abusing his power for his son’s benefit.

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