Incredible Security: The Xbox Series X Will Deter Would-Be Burglars By Emitting A Rotting Crab Smell At All Times

Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.

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Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.

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Most Common Panic-Buying Purchases During Coronavirus

Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people’s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic. The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus.

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Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people’s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic. The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus.

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Evicted Business Strips Everything to Foil Landlord

The landlord expected this business to just leave their stuff so he could sell the whole space to their competitors, but they were having none of it. For more landlord drama, here’s a guy who went full Karen when threatened with eviction and revenge that ensued when a landlord who broke the law. Here’s another where a landlord refused to give back a deposit so court revenge followed.

The landlord expected this business to just leave their stuff so he could sell the whole space to their competitors, but they were having none of it. For more landlord drama, here’s a guy who went full Karen when threatened with eviction and revenge that ensued when a landlord who broke the law. Here’s another where a landlord refused to give back a deposit so court revenge followed.

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Text - r/MaliciousCompliance Posted by u/poshbo 2 days ago 4 Landlord advertises all of our company's equipment for sale to our competitors. Best follow our eviction to the letter. ос м TI;dr (SPOILERS) landlord gives us 7 days to vacate our leisure business from the building, he thinks we cant empty the business during lockdown, and proceeds to advertise OUR equipment for sale to our competition. We sell everything in 7 days and destroy the rest. Enjoy no rent and the loss of your potential buy

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Text - In every other sight vacation we have seen, we always end up leaving thousands of $$ worth of disco lights in the ceilings because they're too hard to get. We leave most the construction in, as well as things like the bars and kitchens that all stay intact (recognisable as what they once were) but not this building. We ripped up the flooring we installed, tore down the walls that were not part of the original structure (Wooden walls to divide up the space) ripped apart our manager's offic

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Text - Lockdown has been extended another 4 weeks, so he has at least another 4 weeks without rent (we were paying) and won't have any potential buyers. Silver lining: The assets we got out of the site (fridges, tv's, equipment, food, tables) have all been sold, and the lack of rent and additional income has helped the business and paid staff wages.

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Business Refuses To Refund $40, Court Orders Them To Pay $230

What a fine example of a cheap business, making their lives more complicated by not just doing the right thing up front. After refusing to refund a buyer $40, they ended up being told by the court that they’d have to pay $230. In all fairness, that dog tag is kind of horrifying too. 

What a fine example of a cheap business, making their lives more complicated by not just doing the right thing up front. After refusing to refund a buyer $40, they ended up being told by the court that they’d have to pay $230. In all fairness, that dog tag is kind of horrifying too. 

1. Look at that thing. It's no wonder they wanted the refund.

Electronics

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Text - r/ProRevenge JOIN u/samunseen• 339d 1 3 1 Business refused to refund $40. The courts order him to pay $230 Story time: Last September, my wife had planned a wonderful Father's Day present for me. (Father's Day is in September in Australia). This was to be my first ever Father's Day as a new dad. So to mark the occasion. My wife had arranged to have our daughters face laser etched onto a dog tag.

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Text - However, the day before Father's Day, she received the item back and it was, shall we say -Sub-Par– so she came to me and showed me my present early. Now I've had some experience with shitty retailers before and remembered to always come prepared when disputing the quality of any goods and services. So l set my phone to record all audio and approached the retailer. I explained that my wife was upset at the quality of the engraving and rightfully so. I requested a refund and was immediatel

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Text - My wife and I left, we straight away left a less than glowing review on their google page. This was met with accusations of us being unreasonable and threatening violence. Ours was not the only review to which they had this response. They informed us that the matter had been passed on to the local police and that a restraining order had been applied for. We immediately called all local police stations and were delighted to hear that they had never heard of the company in question. After s

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Text - A month or so passed and our day in the tribunal had arrived. We honestly weren't expecting the engraver to show up. But lo and behold. There he was. At a civil claims court. In camo pants and a hoodie. We met in a room with a mediator, who told us that it may not be worth chasing a 40 dollar refund from someone who is –in short- a dickhead. She warned that it may end up costing more than the service to begin with. But, as mentioned before, I am a stubborn bastard. We pushed forward, opti

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Text - "Oh, I'm not prepared to go to hearing today, I haven't got any of my evidence." DING DING DING! We went to a hearing that day, the registrar ruled in our favour and issued a notice of payment. The business was to pay us $40 within two weeks. Two weeks later.

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Text - No payment. No surprise. During this time, I had been communicating via email with the holder of the engraver's lease. Who, in response to my complaint among many others, had decided to terminate the lease, effectively kicking the engraver out of the mall. ( 7)e my man! While the engraver was organising a new venue for his business. I had filed a motion for a writ for levy of property. Meaning the local sheriff was able to enter his premises and relieve him of merchandise to the value of

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Text - Once the writ had been issued, the fee then increased to $225. All I had to do was wait. And wait I did. Until March 13 this year, when the sheriff finally attended his new business premises. He was offered an ultimatum. Pay the fee, or have merchandise repossessed. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. The man paid. He was stubborn for 6+ months over a $40 refund. Only to be down $225 + $5 interest. bUt ThAtS nOt HoW tHe LaW wOrks Edit: tl;dr: Got refused $40 refund over poor laser engraving

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Man Reminds Self Woman On Chiquita Banana Sticker Only Smiling At Him Because That’s Her Job

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Putting a stop to things before he got carried away with any fanciful notions that she was into him, local man John Minas reportedly reminded himself Monday that the woman on the Chiquita banana sticker was only smiling at him because that was her job. “Man, I always fall for it,” Minas said of the…

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LITTLE ROCK, AR—Putting a stop to things before he got carried away with any fanciful notions that she was into him, local man John Minas reportedly reminded himself Monday that the woman on the Chiquita banana sticker was only smiling at him because that was her job. “Man, I always fall for it,” Minas said of the…

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Entitled Folks and Their Never-Ending Demands

Sure, people like getting stuff for cheap and free, but when it’s an entitled person who demands something for free and is also a huge ass about it, things get dicey. It can be a landlord, a potential employer, customer or just a stranger. There’s entitled individuals with unreasonable demands all over the place.

Sure, people like getting stuff for cheap and free, but when it’s an entitled person who demands something for free and is also a huge ass about it, things get dicey. It can be a landlord, a potential employer, customer or just a stranger. There’s entitled individuals with unreasonable demands all over the place.

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Most relevant v I get it from both sides. It's good that they gave free games but the majority of the community have already got or played them so the kind offer is a big waste actually!” title=”” width=”640″ height=”640″/>

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Text - y 18 inch 5x100 vct wheels 18 inch 5x100 vct wheels• $300 Request Rating Mark as Sold Is this still available? Yes $100? 225 Sorry all I have it $100 Sucks for you dood Cmon man I'll go to u 225 you come to me I really only have $100.. Then you don't need the wheels. Aa

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Web page - Marketplace $35 - Bags Marketplace $35 - Bags Mark as Sold More Options Mark as Sold More Options No Meagan offered you $10 Will you take 25 What brands are they please et me know II 35 I think it says in the description Im not at the house right now so I cant check ill take $35 How about 30 Is this still available? will you take 10foral No The backpack alone is worth No $35 Will you take 15 Don't want any more No thats fine Marketplace $35 - Bags Marketplace $35 - Bags Mark as Sold M

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Text - ... sooo000000o i got kicked out, and like i need a room to rent and my mannnnn has to be able to like pretty much live with me too, but we come as one whole no more then 500$ and i cannot get another damage deposit as i already got like 2 and a half and fucked them both up annyyywwawyy yeah room rental needed asap, preferably north side 3 7 Comments O Like Comment A Share

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Text - 18:03 1 ::!! LTE 4 Marketplace $899 - 2010 Honda Elite Mark as Sold More Options created this group You're not connected to 1 member named the group Pepe · 2010 Honda Elite. Changed the group photo. 300 bucks MAR 26, 14:31 $1300 bucks? SUN 09:00 300 SUN 09:43 Just for you: $2000 Aa

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Text - l Verizon ? 9:34 AM 83% r/texas Vote 15 1 Share I fucking hate Nieman Marcus. Once I looked at my debit card statement and someone had spent $900 at Nieman Marcus without my knowledge, must have swiped it on one of those gas station card scammer things. I called my debit card company and they reversed the charges, you'd think Nieman Marcus would still send me the stuff someone else bought for the troubles I had to go through but no, they didn't. Reply -30 you expected stuff that you neith

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Text - l AT&T 8-40 PM 1 * 51% Maeplac Tv and tv stand free Rate Buyer FREE · 55 views Not for free So l'm not entitled to a free TV because I do not drive smh And I got be charged delivery for something that's free? Smh Every since trump got in the white house you people been confused I'm not driving an hour one way to give you something for free, it ain't my fault you can't fucking drive, you fucking loser, lll throw it out before I deliver it for free = Type a message... Send

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Military camouflage - Eill Sprint Wi-Fi ? 1:56 PM 76% 29 O Professional at Corporation 8 Straight Man Fat girls and black girls to the back of the line! If your belly jiggles when you walk, you're disgusting and nobody wants a fat, lazy, overweight, out of shape, Hershey fed, SWEAT-HOG next to them in the bed! If your mouth is gros...bye! If you don't have a job or you're a child and play video games all the time..see ya. If you have kids... that's a no-go. If you're a giant and/or built like a

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Text - 14 mins • E Don't order from and won't send jerky, bad person in the community jerky, ripped me off 60$ Sprint 45% 11:07 PM 10:28 PM #205 Well it didn't have an apartment number when i ordered so that's why. I went over my order and it never asked so get it right. 60$ worth of beef jerky. I literally ordered 60$ worth of beer tonight Typically replies within annour Food & Beverage 225 PM Will I get a tracking number for my jerky package or is it just like a wait and see type of thing lol

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Text - l Bell ? 10:48 AM © 100% D Marketplace CA$150 - roller skates Mark as Sold More Options created this group You're not connected to 1 member named the group roller skates. changed the group photo. Is this still available? I would pay 80 cash today if you could deliver to new west. You want me to knock off $70 and drive to New West in the middle of a pandemic? Hard pass. You're scared to DRIVE YOUR OWN CAR lol... Hard pass for being a an idiot AND a twat. Good luck! I can see why they're st

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Text - Yes it is. U too Do u have a case too 200 Unfortunately I do not Deal. When can you come get it? You free tomorrow? APR 04, 1:23 PM Umm. Sunday Sy. I have only 150 now I use 50 for my Personal thing I'm free Sunday. What time works for you? APR 04, 7:02 PM 12 to 1 Well the deal is 200. If you don't have $200 don't come. Alright. A "l see you Sunday. APR 04, 9:31 PM Thanks Alr Ok is nt that much long I will try to. Manage trm Only 5 min from here Perfect. See you then. Have a good night Aa

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Text - you shouldn't charge money for that sort of thing ee hii there you go hello there oh my god you are so right i should do it for free you bitch i was wondering if you could draw me? you know what? well what do you want me to draw? i'm sorry but i don't do requests, even if i did it would your art is shitty cost some money me in your amazing artstyle i absolutely hate it come on please V okay coming right up it's making my eyes bleed if you're willing to pay then yes i wil Double tap to lik

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Text - hey, give me a fitness plan. I can absolutely help you out with that, do you already know the details of my plans or should I explain it to you? The other question I want to ask you is what you intend to get out of this plan, after that I can get started making a plan for you yeah i just wanna get some muscles during quarantine, i have a full home gym but i haven't used it yet lol, i need to get my fat ass off the couch and into the gym you know? just wanna get big basically I can definit

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Text - Classifieds mins ISO: small desk and a couch for free. You have to haul it to my friends place and put it in her house. 59 38 Comments Like לו Comment

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CEO Assures Employees He Doing Everything In His Power To Lay People Off

SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy, WhooshSnaps.biz CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he’s doing everything in his power to lay people off. “I’ve heard some concerns going around, and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I’m taking…

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SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy, WhooshSnaps.biz CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he’s doing everything in his power to lay people off. “I’ve heard some concerns going around, and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I’m taking…

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Boss Tries To Play Employee, Employee Starts Business With His Clients

The boss in this scenario was ungrateful, and ultimately blinded by greed to such an extent that he never saw his own downfall coming. Seriously. The boss never expected any sort of blowback from screwing over an employee who had by the sounds of it, given the job her everything. Or maybe, they did, and just turned that willing blind eye to the BS that they’d brought on someone else. That’s possible. Either way, boss got what was coming to them in the end. It sounds like his old employee is well on her way to running a promising business with most of his clients. 

The boss in this scenario was ungrateful, and ultimately blinded by greed to such an extent that he never saw his own downfall coming. Seriously. The boss never expected any sort of blowback from screwing over an employee who had by the sounds of it, given the job her everything. Or maybe, they did, and just turned that willing blind eye to the BS that they’d brought on someone else. That’s possible. Either way, boss got what was coming to them in the end. It sounds like his old employee is well on her way to running a promising business with most of his clients. 

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Text - r/ProRevenge + JOIN u/CallMeSwellington • 14h 1 The "Girl Friday" with the PhD takes over the business from ungrateful owner. This is a long tale. It is also a text book case of why you don't abuse loyal associates. My spouse was the second person hired at a consulting company in a very specialized industry. In her 15 years with the firm it grew to a respectable three office (8-10 employees at each location) entity. She and the owner grew the business on the contacts, expertise and presen

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Text - basically 75% absent and mostly unaware of day to day activity. As he got more and more removed from the business, he would make overtures that he would eventually retire and sell her the business. He was so dependent on her income generating that he took out a life insurance policy on her. I did not involve myself too much, but at a major industry dinner party I attended with her, he introduced my wife to the table as "My girl Friday" basically a secretary (which was weird). Over the yea

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Text - you?" One day out of the blue, my wife received a raise and bonus (a very minor amount of money) and a contract that included a non-compete, non-disclosure agreement. After reading it, she realized that the owner was trying to lock her down from leaving for another firm (she had been getting feelers from other companies) to make things even more suspicious, she received a call from a competitor who said they were in final stages of due diligence and they wanted to meet her. The asshole wa

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Text - My wife is extremely loyal, she has missed so many special days working for this guy, stuck around when they were wobbly, even skipped paychecks when there were tough financial times. She was furious, the absolute maddest l've ever seen her. We discussed starting her own firm and I asked "how much business is contactually obligated to stay there if you leave?" it turned out that most agreements were either handshakes or 30 day at-will. I also asked how many would leave with you? She said

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Text - owner. In a very short time, my wife took a 3 week vacation(she had months of unused time). During which time she rented an office (in the same building!) and made all the arrangement to set up a new shop. She agreed to leave any and all company property behind and do her best to give the old company no obvious ammo for litigation. She called her clients and said "I'm leaving, if you want to look into relocating your account with my new company, you'll need to quit the old one before we c

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Text - While she was on vacation, she received a panicked call from her boss "We lost XYZ company, do you know anything about it?" she said "I'm sorry, but I just sent you an email, l've resigned. All my keys and company stuff is on my desk. Buh Bye" The new firm took basically 90% the business and seamlessly transitioned into the same company as it was before, but with a new owner. Even most of the office staff would come aboard. Within a year her old company closed down except for the small of

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Grinning Tim Cook Announces New iPhone Will No Longer Be Compatible With AirPods

CUPERTINO, CA—Unveiling Apple’s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation, a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the new iPhone will no longer be compatible with AirPods. “I think you’ll find the new iPhone is somewhat different than what you’re accustomed to,” said Cook, a wry expression slowly emerging…

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CUPERTINO, CA—Unveiling Apple’s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation, a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the new iPhone will no longer be compatible with AirPods. “I think you’ll find the new iPhone is somewhat different than what you’re accustomed to,” said Cook, a wry expression slowly emerging…

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KitchenAid Introduces New High-Speed Countertop Chicken Decapitator

BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside…

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BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside…

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Zoom CEO Reclines Back In Chair In Front Of Massive Wall Of Screens Displaying 10 Million Live Video Feeds

SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on…

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SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on…

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Chad Screws Over Construction Business Partner, Revenge Follows

The fact that “Chad” couldn’t stop himself from ruining his cars, says a lot about his relationship with the rest of life. The dude went full scumbag mode. Apparently he screwed over his construction business partner, and said partner decided to fight back. The revenge was years in the making, and oh boy, did it play out beautifully. Tough luck, Chad. 

The fact that “Chad” couldn’t stop himself from ruining his cars, says a lot about his relationship with the rest of life. The dude went full scumbag mode. Apparently he screwed over his construction business partner, and said partner decided to fight back. The revenge was years in the making, and oh boy, did it play out beautifully. Tough luck, Chad. 

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Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants…

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Illustration for article titled Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants close just a few months after being declared a high-risk environment where people are no longer allowed to frequent or dine,” said lead researcher Professor Cara Coleman, adding that while many bistros, cafes, and fine dining establishments may seem financially stable at first, they almost always run out of money once the authorities step in and make it physically impossible for staff to work, or for most of their customer base to purchase anything from their kitchen. “Unfortunately, it’s an extremely tough business, and the profit margin from food sales is almost never enough to withstand several months of a city’s residents being confined to their homes, no longer allowed to work, eat out, or travel. The reality is, no matter how good your food is, that first time someone gets arrested or slapped with a $10,000 fine for trying to eat at your establishment can destroy you.” At press time, Coleman advised restaurant owners to raise at least $10 million to $15 million in additional funding if they wanted to survive the next year.

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Guests Spit Mouthfuls Of Tuna Into Buckets At StarKist Cannery Tour Tasting Room

PAGO PAGO, AMERICAN SAMOA—Swishing the seafood around their mouths to fully appreciate the flavor, guests reportedly spit mouthfuls of tuna into buckets Friday at the StarKist cannery tour tasting room. “Mmm, strong fishy bouquet with this one, medium-bodied, and it finishes with some notes of salt,” said tourist…

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Illustration for article titled Guests Spit Mouthfuls Of Tuna Into Buckets At StarKist Cannery Tour Tasting Room

PAGO PAGO, AMERICAN SAMOA—Swishing the seafood around their mouths to fully appreciate the flavor, guests reportedly spit mouthfuls of tuna into buckets Friday at the StarKist cannery tour tasting room. “Mmm, strong fishy bouquet with this one, medium-bodied, and it finishes with some notes of salt,” said tourist Corrina Garvin, swirling the sample of oil-packed albacore tuna to examine how it streaked down the glass. “This low-sodium light tuna has a very chunky mouthfeel, which I like, but I think my favorite so far has been the 2015 vintage of the yellowfin. I’m a bit of a canned fish snob, so it’s awesome to try all these finely aged tins and this year’s new blends. Plus, it was really neat to tour the factory and see how the product goes from swimming in the ocean to being scaled, deboned and vacuum-sealed.” At press time, StarKist guests were invited to kick off their shoes, roll up their pants, and stomp tuna in barrels the old-fashioned way.

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Revenge Of The Week: Presumptuous Manager Gets Humbled

Ah yes, here we are with a fresh revenge of the week! This time, it’s a case of a manager getting in their own way with an arrogant attitude. Last revenge of the week we took a look at fifty employees vs. a greedy business. That was fun times. 

Now, here we are. It sounds like this manager was rocking quite the presumptuous attitude, when it came to how they regarded the importance of their employee’s job. Specifically, they basically adopted the view that it didn’t matter. We’re talking about an employee that worked as a sales engineering sales rep. Turns out that’s actually pretty important to maintaining the flow of a company’s functions. 

Ah yes, here we are with a fresh revenge of the week! This time, it’s a case of a manager getting in their own way with an arrogant attitude. Last revenge of the week we took a look at fifty employees vs. a greedy business. That was fun times. 

Now, here we are. It sounds like this manager was rocking quite the presumptuous attitude, when it came to how they regarded the importance of their employee’s job. Specifically, they basically adopted the view that it didn’t matter. We’re talking about an employee that worked as a sales engineering sales rep. Turns out that’s actually pretty important to maintaining the flow of a company’s functions. 

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Snack Industry Runs Out Of Ways To Escalate The Word ‘Cheese’

WASHINGTON— Confessing that unprecedented breakthroughs were necessary if they hoped to keep consumers engaged, multiple spokespeople confirmed Tuesday that the snack industry has run out of ways to escalate the word ‘cheese.’ “Quaint terms like cheezalicious, cheesetastic, and cheesesplosion were good expressions in…

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Illustration for article titled Snack Industry Runs Out Of Ways To Escalate The Word ‘Cheese’

WASHINGTON— Confessing that unprecedented breakthroughs were necessary if they hoped to keep consumers engaged, multiple spokespeople confirmed Tuesday that the snack industry has run out of ways to escalate the word ‘cheese.’ “Quaint terms like cheezalicious, cheesetastic, and cheesesplosion were good expressions in their time, but we’re now in danger of completely exhausting the capacity of the English language to describe cheese-based products,” said Kraft marketing head Anna Chavez, one of many executives who believe the industry has reached the ceiling on cheese-based adjectives. “If a play on words involving any milk-solids-based foods can be made, we’ve made it: variety-based, danger-oriented variants like Mozzrageous and Swissdemeanor, sexually themed terms like Cheesegasmic and Pepperjackulation, even fatalistic long-form experiments like No Whey Out and Cheddar Off Dead. Frankly we’re out of ideas.” Several dairy snack insiders warned that unless a breakthrough is reached soon, the industry may be faced with the horror of returning to merely descriptive terms such as “extra cheesy.”

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Olive Garden Unveils New All-You-Can-Eat Assisted Suicide Dinners For Terminally Ill Customers

ORLANDO, FL—Touting the offer as an ethical, mouth-watering option for those suffering from incurable diseases, Olive Garden unveiled a new all-you-can-eat assisted suicide dinner Thursday for terminally ill customers. “Whether you are suffering from late-stage cancer or a degenerative neurological disease, Olive…

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Illustration for article titled Olive Garden Unveils New All-You-Can-Eat Assisted Suicide Dinners For Terminally Ill Customers

ORLANDO, FL—Touting the offer as an ethical, mouth-watering option for those suffering from incurable diseases, Olive Garden unveiled a new all-you-can-eat assisted suicide dinner Thursday for terminally ill customers. “Whether you are suffering from late-stage cancer or a degenerative neurological disease, Olive Garden is proud to offer our new Life-Ending Pasta Bowl for just $12.99 a person,” said spokesperson Carissa Tate, adding that the deal, which also included Olive Garden’s signature unlimited breadsticks, soups, and salads, was guaranteed to make diners’ final moments fast, painless, and delicious. “Rather than waiting for your own slow and excruciating death, take control of your last moments with our pasta favorites, including our famous Cheese-filled Gnocchi or Lobster Ravioli. So, come on down to Olive Garden—when you’re here, you can die with family.” At press time, Olive Garden had come under fire for a graphic television commercial showing a waiter solemnly closing an elderly woman’s eyes after taking her final bite of baked ziti.

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So-Called ‘Flash Sale’ May Have Been Strategized Weeks In Advance

IRVINE, CA— Painstakingly assembling clues from a series of advertisements rolled out over the course of a month, budget-minded consumer Bruce Brown, 52, declared Tuesday that he had evidence proving a so-called “flash sale” at a local department store had, in fact, been strategized to several weeks in advance.…

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IRVINE, CA— Painstakingly assembling clues from a series of advertisements rolled out over the course of a month, budget-minded consumer Bruce Brown, 52, declared Tuesday that he had evidence proving a so-called “flash sale” at a local department store had, in fact, been strategized to several weeks in advance. “Contrary to what they would have us believe, there exists concrete evidence that the rush to provide us these savings is not as urgent as hyperactive television ads and newspaper circulars might imply,” said Brown, holding up two ads for a pair of jeans from the store, dated two weeks apart but both with a large red line through the same “regular” price. “Don’t get me wrong. This is still a great deal. But in the face of what we know now, it seems highly implausible that these are drastic and urgent sales. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest there is nothing spontaneous about these savings at all. You might even say this should be called a ‘highly premeditated and meticulously planned effort’ sale. So tell me—why the lies? Why?” Brown has also begun investigating a secondary claim made by the same store that “everything must go.”

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Fiery Business Responses to Poor Online Reviews

People absolutely love leaving extremely critical, sometimes untruthful reviews of stores and restaurants. Sometimes it’s even a lie made up by their competition. Business owners will go to bat online to defend their honor, like this guy who leveled with a customer who complained over buying a single dollar taco. Sometimes customers are lying to save face and the business brings in some critical details, like this tattoo parlor that had an epic response for an entitled customer.

People absolutely love leaving extremely critical, sometimes untruthful reviews of stores and restaurants. Sometimes it’s even a lie made up by their competition. Business owners will go to bat online to defend their honor, like this guy who leveled with a customer who complained over buying a single dollar taco. Sometimes customers are lying to save face and the business brings in some critical details, like this tattoo parlor that had an epic response for an entitled customer.

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GM Ups Ante In SUV Race With New 14-Seat, 11-Door, 7-Wheel, 4-Trunk Chevy Teton

DETROIT—In an effort to maintain their lead in the increasingly competitive heavy-duty sport utility vehicle market, General Motors unveiled Friday their new 14-seat, 11-door, 7-wheel, 4-trunk Chevrolet Teton. “Americans have come to expect more truckness from their SUVs, so we’re happy to deliver the first vehicle in…

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DETROIT—In an effort to maintain their lead in the increasingly competitive heavy-duty sport utility vehicle market, General Motors unveiled Friday their new 14-seat, 11-door, 7-wheel, 4-trunk Chevrolet Teton. “Americans have come to expect more truckness from their SUVs, so we’re happy to deliver the first vehicle in its class with ninth-row seating and concentric nesting steering wheels,” said CEO Mary T. Barra, adding that efficiency-minded electric-powertrain innovators in the personal truck segment, such as Tesla and Rivian, had inspired General Motors to double down on their own traditional strengths and equip the Teton with 20-gallon cup holders and 18 subwoofers per seat as standard. “We spared no expense with this triple-axle quadruple-crossover. No truck outside of the former Soviet military has more storage space, not to mention optional heated headliners and in-trunk seating. Whether it’s the patent-leather cover on the new septurbo ‘TriTip’ 16-cylinder engine or the optional glass-bottomed interior, the Teton has something for everyone—even potential owners our marketing department only suspects may even exist.” Barra concluded the press conference by noting that the Teton would be the first SUV available with optional chrome wheels larger than the body of the vehicle itself.

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Everyday Phrases People Hate Hearing

People think speaking in catchphrases makes them interesting and insightful, but often the people around them read it as vapid and meaningless bullshit. Something like sending your “thoughts and prayers” can easily be read as you not really caring about the situation. There are just a lot of sayings people have always hated, and sometimes we don’t even know the full versions of classic sayings.

People think speaking in catchphrases makes them interesting and insightful, but often the people around them read it as vapid and meaningless bullshit. Something like sending your “thoughts and prayers” can easily be read as you not really caring about the situation. There are just a lot of sayings people have always hated, and sometimes we don’t even know the full versions of classic sayings.

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Revenge Of The Week: Fifty Employees Vs Greedy Business

What a ride. And that’s what makes this the latest revenge of the week. We’ve got a greedy business owner blinded by a ravenous hunger for more money at the expense of hard-working employees, and then we’ve got the employees: a crew of 50-some people that come together and show the power of teamwork in the face of an unjust obstacle. Good stuff. 

What a ride. And that’s what makes this the latest revenge of the week. We’ve got a greedy business owner blinded by a ravenous hunger for more money at the expense of hard-working employees, and then we’ve got the employees: a crew of 50-some people that come together and show the power of teamwork in the face of an unjust obstacle. Good stuff. 

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Tattoo Parlor Has Epic Response for Entitled Customer

Sometimes people feel like being a paying customer makes them impervious to criticism, but when it comes to responding to entitled customers who don’t reveal the full story, the businesses themselves tend to have some pretty damning responses. Here’s one where a business owner leveled with a guy who complained over a dollar taco. This one has an interesting twist regarding that pesky “voice was too high” remark.

Sometimes people feel like being a paying customer makes them impervious to criticism, but when it comes to responding to entitled customers who don’t reveal the full story, the businesses themselves tend to have some pretty damning responses. Here’s one where a business owner leveled with a guy who complained over a dollar taco. This one has an interesting twist regarding that pesky “voice was too high” remark.

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The 6 Best Companies To Work For

With locations on billions of computers, Google is by far the largest chain of search engines in the world. Each Google franchise owner benefits from an association with the technology company’s widely known brand name, but also enjoys some flexibility in terms of day-to-day management of their information-retrieval…

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S.K.U.L.L. Corp.

Located in a vast, heavily guarded complex and overseen by a shadowy CEO known only as “S,” this secretive conglomerate, which specializes in munitions, advanced robotics, private mercenary services, and biochemical agents, lets its employees bring their dogs to the office. As they develop experimental neurally disruptive pharmaceuticals and work toward acquiring controlling stakes in all the world’s water processing plants, workers are given the option of having their pet sit beside their desk or dropping it off at S.K.U.L.L. Corp.’s Pooch Pals dog-sitting service. S.K.U.L.L. employees also have access to a sprawling dog park at company headquarters, complimentary full-body radiation suits for the implementation of Global Phase 2, and free Milk-Bones in each floor’s Doggy Den.

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Owner Levels With Customer Who Complains Over Dollar Taco

When this guy complained over a taco, the owner got realistic with him about what it costs to sell one taco for a dollar and change, especially when you bring credit card charges into it. Sometimes folks have unreasonable demands, and these entitled people need to abandon their nonsense. For a real good one, here’s an entitled mom who lashed out when her babysitter got a better job.

When this guy complained over a taco, the owner got realistic with him about what it costs to sell one taco for a dollar and change, especially when you bring credit card charges into it. Sometimes folks have unreasonable demands, and these entitled people need to abandon their nonsense. For a real good one, here’s an entitled mom who lashed out when her babysitter got a better job.

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Frito-Lay Pledges Party-Size Bag Of Plain Potato Chips To Help Combat World Hunger

PLANO, TX—Citing an ongoing commitment to its community and the world at large, international snack food giant Frito-Lay held a major press conference Friday to announce plans to donate a party-size bag of regular, unflavored potato chips to the fight against global hunger. “As responsible corporate citizens, we…

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PLANO, TX—Citing an ongoing commitment to its community and the world at large, international snack food giant Frito-Lay held a major press conference Friday to announce plans to donate a party-size bag of regular, unflavored potato chips to the fight against global hunger. “As responsible corporate citizens, we believe it is our duty to take direct action and contribute one 15.25-ounce bag of Lay’s Classic potato chips to the world’s food-insecure population,” said company spokesperson Mark Walters, unveiling a 10-year plan to distribute the single bag of chips to those famine-stricken regions of the world where it is most needed. “With this donation, we are pledging approximately 225 potato chips that, when taken together, will provide a grand total of nearly 2,500 calories to malnourished and snack-deprived men, women, and children across the globe. What’s more, countries willing to appropriate matching government funds for this new program will be eligible to receive up to 2 tablespoons each from a container of Frito-Lay Bean Dip, while supplies last.” Walters went on to state that by 2035, the company hopes to expand its philanthropy into barbecue or even sour cream and onion flavors.

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New Comcast Bundle Deal Includes 24/7 Live-In Technical Support

CHICAGO—In response to ongoing complaints of unexpected outages and subpar customer service response times, cable provider Comcast debuted a new bundle deal Thursday that includes 24/7 live-in technical support. “After analyzing customer feedback, we’ve realized that expecting our customers to set aside a six-hour…

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CHICAGO—In response to ongoing complaints of unexpected outages and subpar customer service response times, cable provider Comcast debuted a new bundle deal Thursday that includes 24/7 live-in technical support. “After analyzing customer feedback, we’ve realized that expecting our customers to set aside a six-hour block to be home every week is unrealistic, so we’re sending some of our best people to stay on their couches,” said Comcast head of market strategy Travis Porter, noting that higher-tier packages also include an optional air mattress or cot. “Whenever you need assistance with your cable, phone, or internet, your live-in technician will walk into your living room to help answer any questions. We should note that his or her English may not be great, so we do ask our customers to be patient. Additionally, we recommend customers not to stack a bunch of stuff on top of the technician in order to prevent overheating.” Comcast confirmed that, in addition to the monthly rate, customers would also be responsible for paying a monthly activation fee to cover any nutritional needs.

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The Boeing 747 Turns 50

In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.

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In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.


September 30, 1968:

Boeing designs 747 after engineers envision an airplane, only big.


February 9, 1969:

First successful test flight with monkeys flying plane.


January 21, 1970:

Ahead of first commercial flight, Boeing executives place bets on potential casualties.

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January 22, 1970:

To ease passengers’ nerves on the first commercial 747 flight, takeoff is delayed for seven hours.


August 3, 1971:

Boeing revolutionizes commercial air travel again by adding seats to all 747s.


July 18, 1985:

10,000th bird sucked into Boeing 747 engine.


February 2, 1990:

A 747 becomes Air Force One, comfortably seating over 400 presidents.


January 18, 2005:

Airbus A380 passes the 747 as world’s largest civilian airplane by adding a spire on top.

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January 28, 2015:

U.S. Air Force announces next presidential aircraft will be a very, very, unbelievably fucking expensive Boeing 747.

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2019:

Oh wait, that was a different kind of Boeing plane that crashed. The 747 is still good.

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Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There

CINCINNATI—Calling it the “fastest and most effective way” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product, the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon, which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there. “In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency…

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CINCINNATI—Calling it the “fastest and most effective way” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product, the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon, which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there. “In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency situation requiring her to activate the app, our state-of-the-art technology will pinpoint the tampon’s location within 0.01 millimeters, even when it’s a full string-length past the point of no return,” said company spokesperson Janine Loughty, adding that Find My Tampon is extremely easy to use, and even has a built-in map feature that displays the real-time location and speed of your tampon as it advances up and out of reach within the vaginal canal. “If you find yourself fishing around up there with no luck, just open the app, press the ‘locate’ button, and wait for the tampon’s built-in GPS to sync with your phone. When you hear a beeping noise, or see a small red light flashing beneath the skin of your pelvic region, you’ll know you’ve found it.” The app also reportedly includes a self-destruct feature that immediately detonates any tampon deemed to have migrated beyond any reasonable hope of retrieval.

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Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want

FREMONT, CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide, struggling retailer Men’s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted. “We’ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure…

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FREMONT, CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide, struggling retailer Men’s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted. “We’ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure just about anything, from the distance between Milwaukee and Chicago to the density of sedimentary rocks,” said CEO Dinesh Lathi, noting that the retailer would also arrange house calls to help measure anything from square footage of a domicile to hectares of land to “even freshly caught trout, in case you want to see if you’ve broken any angling records.” “Naturally we’re still offering free chest and waist measurements, but we hope to boost sales by measuring any place on your body, someone else’s body, planetary bodies, or even imaginary or theoretical bodies. Any object qualifies; let us know what you have, whether it’s a pine 2-by-4 or an 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of copier paper. If you’ve got a prize-winning pumpkin, we’d be happy to confirm that and fit it for a three-piece suit while we’re at it. While it’s true online shopping has hit sales pretty hard, we’re still measurement leaders, and if this pans out, we might transition into an all-measurement-based company.” Lathi also stressed that the Men’s Wearhouse would still not provide garment measurements for women.

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Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly, Boeing officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference. “I assure you, Mr. Calhoun is one…

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CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly, Boeing officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference. “I assure you, Mr. Calhoun is one of the safest board members in Boeing’s history and has never caught fire prior to today,” said Boeing spokesperson Karen Flynn, adding that Mr. Calhoun had undergone rigorous testing before being promoted to CEO, leaving the company stunned when he suddenly paused his speech, sent out an SOS signal, and burst into flames. “While we are devastated by the news, the reality of having executives is that there is always a risk that one will lose control, fly off the stage, and crash into the audience at high velocity. To the hundreds who died, or suffered severe injuries today, we sincerely apologize.” At press time, investigators found that Mr. Calhoun had failed to pay Boeing for additional safety protections that could have prevented him from exploding into millions of small, unidentifiable pieces.

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Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism

PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average…

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PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average 10-year-old girl is 70% less likely than her male counterpart to be interested in protecting a makeshift scavenger den against the mutants, deviants, and roving marauders who crawled forth from the wreckage of society as compared to their male peers, so we knew we had to do something,” said Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, who demonstrated prototypes of his company’s “Little Miss Prepared Track ‘n’ Trap” kits, demure brushed-steel suitcases trimmed with rose gold and equipped with survival gear including lengths of pink rope, small floral-accented commando shovels for digging beginner-sized tiger pits, and razor wire looped into heart-shaped deployment reels. “Primary school-age girls tend to fall behind on important skills that will prove vital in our inevitable post-society future, such as knotwork, sharpshooting, and demolitions expertise, and our kits give them the chance to get the same hands-on experience as boys. There’s even an optional pink plastic survival knife that can be used to pretend to whittle wooden stakes and spears, so girls as young as four can develop intimidation soft skills even when they’re not actively assembling a trap. We at Hasbro believe that girls are just as able to subsist in The Burned Land as boys.” Hasbro plans to eventually expand the line to include food canning kits, an E-Z Fry fingerprint-burning chemistry set, and a picture book titled The Princesses’ Guide To Burying Gold Bullion.

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Client Refuses to Understand What Broken Arm Entails

This guy gets a lot of belligerent customers, whether they’re a private school upset about getting upgrades after a charity or a treasurer who doesn’t understand numbers. In this case it’s a client who seems to want him to outsource the work, but also not outsource it at the same time. Sounds like a fun person to do business with.

This guy gets a lot of belligerent customers, whether they’re a private school upset about getting upgrades after a charity or a treasurer who doesn’t understand numbers. In this case it’s a client who seems to want him to outsource the work, but also not outsource it at the same time. Sounds like a fun person to do business with.

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Company’s Holiday Party Moves Up Timeline For Bankruptcy By 4 Months

SEATTLE—With the celebration rapidly burning through the diminishing supply of cash that has kept the local business solvent, sources confirmed Wednesday the holiday party of Simmons Analytics has moved up the company’s bankruptcy timeline by more than four months. “You’ve worked hard all year, so we decided to really…

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SEATTLE—With the celebration rapidly burning through the diminishing supply of cash that has kept the local business solvent, sources confirmed Wednesday the holiday party of Simmons Analytics has moved up the company’s bankruptcy timeline by more than four months. “You’ve worked hard all year, so we decided to really pull out the stops this time for our holiday party!” said CEO Josh Kilgore, welcoming employees of the company that has netted losses for 16 consecutive quarters to the party, which was held in a ballroom at the Hilton Seattle, featured a live band, included a lavish spread of haute cuisine, and consumed nearly a quarter of annual operating costs. “Be sure to take advantage of the open bar. Everything’s on us tonight, so [before you’re all unemployed, uninsured, and unable to pay your bills] let’s have some fun. Cheers, everybody!” At press time, Kilgore had informed attendees they were welcome to take home any remaining trays of food, which will reportedly be the closest the workers ever get to claiming their severance packages.

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Johnson & Johnson CEO Idly Wonders How Much Money He’d Make Off National Tylenol Epidemic

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Explaining that he didn’t necessarily plan to act on his thought, Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky reportedly wondered Tuesday how much money he’d make off of a national Tylenol epidemic. “Look, I’m not saying I want there to be an eruption of Tylenol usage and have people across America addicted to…

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NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Explaining that he didn’t necessarily plan to act on his thought, Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky reportedly wondered Tuesday how much money he’d make off of a national Tylenol epidemic. “Look, I’m not saying I want there to be an eruption of Tylenol usage and have people across America addicted to Tylenol, but think of what it would do for sales,” said Gorsky, adding that he had often pondered including some language about initiating a Tylenol epidemic on a quarterly strategy presentation just to see if his idea received any support, especially when, as he did that day, he had his eye on a new home in the Berkshires. “When I look at what the opioid people were able to make off the epidemic, I admit I can’t help but wonder. And it’s not like a Tylenol epidemic would be as bad as one for harder drugs. Unless people start taking lots and lots of them to still get the positive effects, which would be very lucrative for us—but I can’t think that way. There’s a whole market that’s untapped here, that’s for sure. We’d just have to put a lot of money into research that says there are no downsides, and then really increase our marketing to doctors so it’s the first thing they suggest. And then people would get real relief from painful headaches—surely that’s a reasonable tradeoff for me adding a few million to my annual salary? Maybe if we can get teens to start grinding Tylenol up and snorting it, Tylenol could become a popular teen drug, and if we kick things off in the Rust Belt, no one will even notice for decades. Oh, stop it, Alex, you’ve gone over this and you know it’ll never work. But it sure is nice to dream.” Gorsky added that while the recent lawsuits brought against opioid manufacturers gave him pause, he figured any punishment from a Tylenol epidemic would be decades down the road and he’d be able to cash out by then.

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Kyrie Irving Debuts Signature Shoe Inspired By RFID Chips Government Secretly Implants In Anesthetized Patients

BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming he wanted a sneaker that reflected his deepest passions, NBA star Kyrie Irving held a press conference Friday to debut his new Nike Kyrie 7 signature shoe, modeled after the RFID chips the government implants in the brains of every citizen who gets anesthetized. “I really wanted a design that…

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BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming he wanted a sneaker that reflected his deepest passions, NBA star Kyrie Irving held a press conference Friday to debut his new Nike Kyrie 7 signature shoe, modeled after the RFID chips the government implants in the brains of every citizen who gets anesthetized. “I really wanted a design that speaks to how the government is slowly taking over our minds through intrusive thoughts that are telegraphed into our brains with implanted microchips,” said the Nets point guard, who revealed that engineers worked around the clock testing the hidden GPS tracker in the sole, which monitors not only the wearer’s locations but all their vital signs and transmits the information back to Nike headquarters. “Every single shoe has a small interior inscription of the all-seeing eye, surrounded by the Valos Council’s signature phrase ‘Sumus Ubique.’ I just hope kids will wear this shoe and get a little understanding of the forces that control our every action without us even knowing.” At press time, the success of the shoe had inspired Irving to explore similar sponsorships, including a Gatorade-brand chemtrail athletic mist and warm-up gear modeled after the flight attendant uniforms on Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.

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Health Department Gives Tyson Plant ‘D’ Grade After Discovering Raw Chicken Contaminating Nearly Every Surface

SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly…

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SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly every working surface. “I can’t imagine what led these poultry processors to think that a factory full of recently slaughtered chickens constituted a safe food-service environment,” said health inspector Casey Franklin, noting that the plant’s annual inspection revealed chicken carcasses on moving conveyor belts, gobbets of chicken flesh tumbling down chutes, and chicken limbs being sealed inside supposedly food-safe packaging. “In no case was any of this chicken properly cooked. It’s shocking to think Tyson was going to ship that out to supermarkets across the country.” Franklin added that if her team found more raw chicken upon their follow-up inspection next week, Tyson would have to be shut down.

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Horrible Commercials That Discouraged People’s Business

Someone on AskReddit asked for people to share their experiences with commercials that were so bad, they ultimately deterred interest in people giving companies any business. Breaking out the loud, squeaking tires on a commercial is no way to go about winning over the hearts of someone. Or, showing the same commercial over and over again, like they forgot about it when they saw the commercial a mere few minutes ago. 

Someone on AskReddit asked for people to share their experiences with commercials that were so bad, they ultimately deterred interest in people giving companies any business. Breaking out the loud, squeaking tires on a commercial is no way to go about winning over the hearts of someone. Or, showing the same commercial over and over again, like they forgot about it when they saw the commercial a mere few minutes ago. 

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Six Flags Unsure If They Need To Apologize For Parkgoer Who Managed To Get Decapitated By Bumper Cars

SAN ANTONIO—Admitting they were stumped as to how to publicly respond to the unfortunate but baffling event, officials at Six Flags Fiesta Texas were reportedly unsure Friday if they needed to apologize for a guest who managed to get decapitated by the bumper cars. “This is obviously a tragic situation that we wish…

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SAN ANTONIO—Admitting they were stumped as to how to publicly respond to the unfortunate but baffling event, officials at Six Flags Fiesta Texas were reportedly unsure Friday if they needed to apologize for a guest who managed to get decapitated by the bumper cars. “This is obviously a tragic situation that we wish hadn’t happened, but we don’t really know whether we need to say sorry and pledge to take steps to ensure this will never happen again, since getting your head ripped off on the bumper cars should have been impossible in the first place,” said Six Flags spokesperson Larry Vazquez, adding that while the amusement park company took any decapitations on dangerous rides like roller coasters seriously, they couldn’t help but feel like the visitor’s bumper cars decapitation was on him. “Frankly, we don’t even know how he managed to pull this off. We weren’t paying that close attention, since it’s, you know, bumper cars, so we don’t exactly know how it happened, but we’re pretty sure he didn’t follow any of the rules. We’ll definitely send our condolences and give his family free Six Flags access for life as a gesture of goodwill, but it seems ridiculous to suppose we should offer a public apology or close the ride for safety improvements. What would those even be?” Six Flags officials added that while they felt that their legal team would be able to prevent any lawsuit, they were considering suing the victim’s family for negligence just to be on the safe side.

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Report: Some Company Called Scampr Already Lost $12.5 Billion At Launch And Has Gone Bankrupt

NEW YORK—In news that took the nation completely by surprise, some company called Scampr already lost $12.5 billion at launch and has gone bankrupt, sources confirmed Friday. “Huh, I guess they were in new media and it looks like they just completely went under,” said sources glancing at an article about the…

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NEW YORK—In news that took the nation completely by surprise, some company called Scampr already lost $12.5 billion at launch and has gone bankrupt, sources confirmed Friday. “Huh, I guess they were in new media and it looks like they just completely went under,” said sources glancing at an article about the multibillion-dollar organization that had apparently begun bleeding investors after cycling through four different CEOs in a matter of months. “Seems as though in the lead up to launch, there was an enormous scandal involving insider trading or something, and a few of the VPs even had to testify before a congressional committee? But anyway, they’re totally dead in the water now, and they had to lay off thousands of employees.” At press time, Scampr’s board of directors had already reincorporated under a new name and had been valued at $20 billion by venture capitalists.

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Report: Some Company Called Skampr Already Lost $12.5 Billion At Launch And Has Gone Bankrupt

NEW YORK—In news that took the nation completely by surprise, some company called Skampr already lost $12.5 billion at launch and has gone bankrupt, sources confirmed Friday. “Huh, I guess they were in new media and it looks like they just completely went under,” said sources glancing at an article about the…

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NEW YORK—In news that took the nation completely by surprise, some company called Skampr already lost $12.5 billion at launch and has gone bankrupt, sources confirmed Friday. “Huh, I guess they were in new media and it looks like they just completely went under,” said sources glancing at an article about the multibillion-dollar organization that had apparently begun bleeding investors after cycling through four different CEOs in a matter of months. “Seems as though in the lead up to launch, there was an enormous scandal involving insider trading or something, and a few of the VPs even had to testify before a congressional committee? But anyway, they’re totally dead in the water now, and they had to lay off thousands of employees.” At press time, Skampr’s board of directors had already reincorporated under a new name and had been valued at $20 billion by venture capitalists. 

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Features Of Disney Plus

Disney Plus, the subscription streaming service from Disney, will launch November 12. The Onion takes a look at the biggest features of Disney Plus.

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Disney Plus, the subscription streaming service from Disney, will launch November 12. The Onion takes a look at the biggest features of Disney Plus.


Brand-new original derivative content.


Low initial $6.99-a-month launch price to very quickly triple.


Full access to 60-plus years of advertisements.


Ability to watch Frozen over and over again on new service.


Prime opportunity for more adults to make liking Disney integral part of personality.

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Supports up to 10 devices from thankless kids.


Can somehow wring previously undiscovered marketing insights from fact that you like Star Wars.


Everything else AT&T hasn’t bought.


Series of original short films by underrepresented filmmakers Disney doesn’t trust with full movies.

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Absolutely nothing the world of online piracy can’t provide.

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Amazon Encourages Drivers To Deliver Packages Faster By Strapping Cinder Block To Truck’s Accelerator

SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of…

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SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of the vehicle, stopping at red lights, and braking for pedestrians,” said CEO Jeff Bezos, noting that by allowing drivers to wildly careen down the street flinging packages at doors as they whizzed by, they could increase savings which would then be passed onto consumers. “We looked into a number of cost-saving methods, including injecting a neurotoxin into drivers and only giving them the antidote if they completed all of their deliveries in an hour. However, requiring drivers to weave between vehicles at top speeds as they hang on for dear life was far more feasible.” Bezos added that the company would be further incentivizing drivers by rewarding those who delivered the most packages with $100 towards all resulting medical expenses. 

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Disney Plus Apologizes For Apparently Being All That Some Actual Adults Have

BURBANK, CA—Expressing their deepest condolences to those affected by technical glitches, Disney Plus officials apologized Tuesday for apparently being all that some actual adults have. “We are working hard to resolve user issues involving the new Disney Plus system, and extend a sincere thank you to the recluses,…

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BURBANK, CA—Expressing their deepest condolences to those affected by technical glitches, Disney Plus officials apologized Tuesday for apparently being all that some actual adults have. “We are working hard to resolve user issues involving the new Disney Plus system, and extend a sincere thank you to the recluses, misfits, and deeply lonely adults for your patience at this time,” said Walt Disney Company CEO Bob Iger in an official statement, saying that any error messages customers were experiencing were due to the company not properly anticipating what profound depths of sadness some full-grown human beings are capable of reaching. “We recognize that many people were looking forward to Disney Plus’s launch in the most pitiful way imaginable. The entire Walt Disney Company family and I would like to personally acknowledge your frustration with the only thing that can give you—not happiness, quite, but some vague form of contentment despite thousands of years’ worth of other art and entertainment options to turn to. We apologize for the fact that these silly children’s programs are the only thing in your woeful and, frankly, distressing existence.” Iger added that if he had known that Disney was all some actual adults have, he would have started by charging much more than $6.99 a month

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