1984 Is Happening All Over Again

Funny tweet about life in the future when Amazon has taken over

History repeats itself.

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Packidge

Funny meme that reads, "Me opening my front door to grab a package the Amazon driver dropped off..." above a an image of a monster coming out of a cave

Give it to me.

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Parody Sketch About People Who Shop At Whole Foods Is Pretty Spot On

“Wait, they have clothing that’s not organic? Somebody needs to donate this to a homeless shelter.”

Submitted by: (via Trevor Wallace)

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Man Programs Alexa To Play Imperial March

May the fourth be with you. This Alexa was programmed to play the Imperial March and make droid noises when it launched the robot vacuum. 

May the fourth be with you. This Alexa was programmed to play the Imperial March and make droid noises when it launched the robot vacuum. 

Submitted by: (via David DeRasmo)

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Man Orders Boxes From Amazon, Fails Repeatedly Ensue

This guy’s experience trying to have some empty boxes delivered ended up being a process of navigating multiple fails. Apparently, something was happening with the ordering/delivery process, where he ultimately ended up getting a ton of granola and Harry Potter coasters that he’d never asked for. Maybe not all robots are meant to rule the world. 

This guy’s experience trying to have some empty boxes delivered ended up being a process of navigating multiple fails. Apparently, something was happening with the ordering/delivery process, where he ultimately ended up getting a ton of granola and Harry Potter coasters that he’d never asked for. Maybe not all robots are meant to rule the world. 

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Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks

SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce, Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks. “We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be…

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Illustration for article titled Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks

SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce, Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks. “We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be crammed like sardines in a single, dark warehouse for our amusement,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, explaining that the new employees were not going to be given any tasks or responsibilities except to stand shoulder to shoulder, breathing and coughing on each other for as long as the company felt like keeping them there. “People are getting desperate, so we figured, why the hell not? We’ve got all this cash coming in from cornering almost every market and forcing people unwilling to leave their homes to buy from us, and I can’t imagine a better use for it at this critical time but to stuff as many people as we can possibly fit into a poorly ventilated warehouse and see how long they’ll tolerate the pain and discomfort for 10 bucks an hour. It’s like, what else are they gonna do? We’re in the middle of a pandemic, and as a business responsible to shareholders, Amazon is going to do whatever we need to do to sit back and enjoy watching people suffer from the coronavirus. And if this trial run pans out, we’re considering expanding this crammed-employee program to markets across the country.” At press time, Bezos added that the company was offering anyone who signed up for an Amazon Prime subscription a free live video feed to watch the employees.

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Deal Alert: Got A Nintendo Switch And Amazon Prime? Well, Look At You, Mr. Moneybags

Listen up, Nintendo fanboys, because do we have news for you! Do you own a Switch and have an Amazon Prime subscription? You do? Well, well, well, look at you, Mr. Moneybags.

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Listen up, Nintendo fanboys, because do we have news for you! Do you own a Switch and have an Amazon Prime subscription? You do? Well, well, well, look at you, Mr. Moneybags.

Sure must be nice to be such a high roller that you can afford both Nintendo’s latest console and a $119 Amazon Prime yearly membership fee. But guess what, Lord Caviar? The rest of us peasants have to work for a living. We don’t get to just snap our fingers and have our manservants buy us any console that our greedy little millionaire mind can imagine.

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In fact, most of us will probably have to spend years pinching pennies to ever hope to purchase a Switch. Clearly, though, you’re already set for life. Must be pretty nice kicking back, counting your cash, and sipping on a fine vintage of Château Lafite while knowing that you have both Nintendo’s popular next-gen console and a service that offers free shipping on thousands of items.

Yeah, must be real nice.

You know, you’re kind of a bastard for rubbing your wealth in the faces of gamers everywhere like this. Honestly, if we had a bit more of a spine, we might tell you what we really think about you. But we know you would just use your team of high-powered attorneys to crush us and every other gamer who stands up to plutocrats like you. So, laugh it up with the rest of the well-to-do dukes and duchesses out there who get to enjoy both a Nintendo Switch and free Amazon shipping on all games. In fact, maybe you can order some more gold houses while you’re at it, you son of a bitch.

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A Few Silly Reviews for a Realistic Geriatric Nursing Mannequin

Now she is one okay boomer. This bad lady will set you back over a grand, but it’s worth it for, uh, whatever you get out of it. Nursing training, right. If there were any more funny amazon reviews for this realistic geriatric nursing doll, we’d have found them.

Now she is one okay boomer. This bad lady will set you back over a grand, but it’s worth it for, uh, whatever you get out of it. Nursing training, right. If there were any more funny amazon reviews for this realistic geriatric nursing doll, we’d have found them.

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‘Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ Cast Members Clock Into Amazon Warehouse For Mandatory Black Friday Overtime Shift

BROOKLYN, NY—As they donned jumpsuits and prepared to meet their employer’s relentless performance quotas, the cast members of Emmy-winning TV show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel reportedly clocked in this morning to begin their mandatory 12-hour Black Friday shift at a local Amazon warehouse. “Listen, none of us like…

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BROOKLYN, NY—As they donned jumpsuits and prepared to meet their employer’s relentless performance quotas, the cast members of Emmy-winning TV show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel reportedly clocked in this morning to begin their mandatory 12-hour Black Friday shift at a local Amazon warehouse. “Listen, none of us like having to come in the day after Thanksgiving, but if you want to work for Amazon, those are the rules,” said series star Rachel Brosnahan, who signed in with show creator and temporary floor foreman Amy Sherman-Palladino before firing up one of the many forklifts the cast and crew of Amazon’s flagship comedy would be using to meet consumers’ holiday demands. “Don’t get me wrong, I like making some extra cash, but they do that thing where they say overtime is optional, and then if you don’t volunteer for it, they cut your screen time next season. It can be pretty tough. Last year, [series co-star] Tony [Shalhoub] threw his back out, and the rest of us had to pick up the slack or the whole team would have had its pay docked.” At press time, sources confirmed John Krasinski had been written up for failing to scan 300 warehouse items per hour, causing Amazon to fire him from his starring role in Jack Ryan.

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Memes That Roast The Plethora Of Streaming Services

Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, and now Disney+? Sometimes more choices are not necessarily a good thing. Disney just ditched Netflix and came out with its own streaming service this week and the internet is pretty divided on where they stand with it. 

Now instead of paying one flat fee for a multitude of TV shows and movies on one streaming service, you can pay a bunch of little fees for a million different companies who don’t give a sh*t about you! And predictably, those costs add up.

Our solution to all of this? Don’t pay for any of them! For legal reasons we can’t tell you to pirate anything, so we won’t. 

Anyway, take a little stroll through the following memes and tweets that roast the stupid number of streaming services available to us now.

Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, and now Disney+? Sometimes more choices are not necessarily a good thing. Disney just ditched Netflix and came out with its own streaming service this week and the internet is pretty divided on where they stand with it. 

Now instead of paying one flat fee for a multitude of TV shows and movies on one streaming service, you can pay a bunch of little fees for a million different companies who don’t give a sh*t about you! And predictably, those costs add up.

Our solution to all of this? Don’t pay for any of them! For legal reasons we can’t tell you to pirate anything, so we won’t. 

Anyway, take a little stroll through the following memes and tweets that roast the stupid number of streaming services available to us now.

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Festive Self-Warming Cat Beds Are On The Wishlist

The holidays are nearly here and what better way to begin bringing in some festive cheer than with this adorable cat bed? 

From Hollypet, available on Amazon, comes a self-warming fold-able cat bed! A Santa hat version and a reindeer one, or a festive pattern — these cat beds are just too cute! 

Do they make these in human sizes? Asking for a friend of a friend. 

The holidays are nearly here and what better way to begin bringing in some festive cheer than with this adorable cat bed? 

From Hollypet, available on Amazon, comes a self-warming fold-able cat bed! A Santa hat version and a reindeer one, or a festive pattern — these cat beds are just too cute! 

Do they make these in human sizes? Asking for a friend of a friend. 

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Amazon Encourages Drivers To Deliver Packages Faster By Strapping Cinder Block To Truck’s Accelerator

SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of…

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SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of the vehicle, stopping at red lights, and braking for pedestrians,” said CEO Jeff Bezos, noting that by allowing drivers to wildly careen down the street flinging packages at doors as they whizzed by, they could increase savings which would then be passed onto consumers. “We looked into a number of cost-saving methods, including injecting a neurotoxin into drivers and only giving them the antidote if they completed all of their deliveries in an hour. However, requiring drivers to weave between vehicles at top speeds as they hang on for dear life was far more feasible.” Bezos added that the company would be further incentivizing drivers by rewarding those who delivered the most packages with $100 towards all resulting medical expenses. 

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Creepy And Hilarious Cat Toilet Seat Sticker Is Genius

We all know cats don’t just want to be in the bathroom with us, they need to be there. Well, now they always can be with this creepy, yet hysterical, cat adhesive sticker that can stick to any flat surface, but the toilet seat option is our fav. 

Available on Amazon!

We all know cats don’t just want to be in the bathroom with us, they need to be there. Well, now they always can be with this creepy, yet hysterical, cat adhesive sticker that can stick to any flat surface, but the toilet seat option is our fav. 

Available on Amazon!

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Five Items On Amazon That Could Save Your Pet’s Life

We know you are a responsible pet owner who have kitten-proofed your home, has all the latest gadgets and gizmos to track your cat’s health and activities and maybe even got security cameras installed to keep track of your cat when you’re away from home. But we are here to recommend you on five more items for 5$ or less that are perfect in case of an emergency. Check it out.  

Benadryl is commonly used to treat a variety of symptoms in cats and dogs, including itching, allergies, and mild cases of anxiety or motion sickness. But, Benadryl can also save your pet’s life in certain emergencies. Pet parents should consider Benadryl a staple in their medicine cabinets and first aid kits. In the event of a snake bite, severe allergic reaction, life-threatening wasp stings, or similar anaphylactic reactions, Benadryl given immediately can mean the difference between life and death. 4.44$ on Amazon.

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Solemn Jeff Bezos Realizes He Could End Up Like Homeless Man If Just Few Hundred Thousand Things Go Wrong

SEATTLE—Beginning to accept just how close to financial hardship he truly was, a solemn Jeff Bezos realized Thursday that he could end up like a homeless man living on the street if just a few hundred thousand things went wrong. “Christ, if only 100,000 to 200,000 things don’t go my way, that could be me,” said the…

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SEATTLE—Beginning to accept just how close to financial hardship he truly was, a solemn Jeff Bezos realized Thursday that he could end up like a homeless man living on the street if just a few hundred thousand things went wrong. “Christ, if only 100,000 to 200,000 things don’t go my way, that could be me,” said the world’s richest man, adding that a total collapse of the world economy, a severe psychotic break, and a devastating environmental catastrophe could lead to the CEO falling through society’s cracks and sleeping each night in a cardboard box. “I could suddenly lose my job, my health insurance, my mansions, my planes, become addicted to every drug, break every bone in my body, be arrested for arson, and deal with the fallout of a mass amnesia where nobody knows me, and then I’m left completely penniless with nowhere to go. It really is only by the grace of God that none of those things plus a few million others have not yet happened to me.” At press time, just to be safe, Bezos was meeting with Amazon’s board of directors to discuss further cuts to employee benefits.

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Amazon Issues Reminder To Employees About Bringing In Outside Thoughts To Work

SEATTLE—In a stern company-wide email sent to its more than 650,000 employees worldwide, Amazon reportedly issued a reminder Wednesday that the company expressly forbids bringing outside thoughts into the workplace. “This policy is stated clearly in our employee manual and posted prominently in every breakroom, but once more we find it necessary to reiterate that when you step onto company premises, you are required to leave behind any ideas, beliefs, or sentiments not provided to you by Amazon,” senior vice president Jeffrey M. Blackburn wrote in the email, adding that if the current situation does not improve, he will be forced to instruct company security to conduct random interrogations of employees during the workday to ensure full compliance with the rule. “From the moment your shift begins until the moment it ends, you must not engage with or give voice to any unauthorized opinions or concerns that may arise in your conscious mind. In addition, though what you do on your own time is of course up to you, we would prefer you also keep personal thoughts to a minimum at home and never gather with your coworkers in groups of two or more after hours. Trust us—this is for your own good.” Sources also confirmed that Amazon warehouse managers have been given permission to issue suspensions to any employees caught having daydreams while on lunch or bathroom breaks.

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Raunchy-Sounding Tweet About Amazon Frames Unites The Perverts Of Twitter

We love a good double entendre as much as the next person, and this tweet from the Wareable Twitter account is the most satisfying bit of sauciness we’ve seen in a while. The site, which focuses on wearable technology, tweeted “Amazon Echo Frames are smartglasses that bring Alexa to your face” regarding the new Google Glass-esque product. We’re willing to bet that they knew exactly what they were doing – and Twitter’s been, ahem, eating this brilliant copy-editing up. 

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Cat Window Perch Is A Really Great Cat Tree Alternative

Reasons to get a cat perch: 

1. They save up a lot of space! 

2. Easy as heck!

3. YOUR CAT WILL ACTUALLY USE IT. 

Cat trees are great, but they do eat up a lot of space. With acat perch, you’ll be saving up all that space and will get the same results as you would if you had a cat tree. And if you’re a cat owner, you know just how much they look staring out windows. So, give your cat its dream bed, in the sun, with a view! 

Available on Amazon in multiple sizes, easy to set-up and Humane Society Approved! 

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Unconscious Amazon Employee Chastised For Not Filing Time-Off Request

SPARROWS POINT, MD—Informed by his manager that he would be let off with a warning this time, unconscious Amazon warehouse employee Anthony Cargill, 41, was reportedly chastised Monday for failing to file a time-off request. “We shouldn’t have to remind you that all warehouse employees are required to inform a supervisor in writing at least 48 hours in advance of passing out,” said the employee’s manager, adding that other employees who had followed proper protocol for requesting time to pass out would be forced to stay upright and cover his shift. “If you don’t give us enough notice, we can’t have the defibrillator ready to resuscitate you, okay? It’s disrespectful of our time if you’re not where you need to be because you keeled over from exhaustion and lost consciousness. Distribution boxes are piling up, so that’s stress added to my job, and how do you think your coworkers feel when they look over to see you stopped working? You think Jeff Bezos built a successful company with a workforce that just faints whenever they feel like it? We’ll let you keep your job, but don’t try this again—30 cameras will be watching you.” At press time, the supervisor was informing an employee decomposing on the floor that she’d violated Amazon’s bereavement leave policy, which permitted employees to take no more than three days off following their deaths.

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Horrified Amazon Worker Awakes From Warehouse Accident To Find Jeff Bezos Welding Mechanical Limbs Onto Stumps Where Arms Used To Be

SEATTLE—Following an incident in which the employee was severely injured and rendered unconscious by a 30-foot fall from a ladder, horrified warehouse worker Paul Diaz awoke from heavily medicated sleep Friday to find Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos welding robotic limbs onto the stumps where his arms once were. “Not to worry, Paul; you’re better, stronger, and more efficient than ever, and you’ll be back at work this time tomorrow,” said the torch-wielding Bezos, lowering his welding mask back over his face and, lit only by the shower of sparks bursting from the marriage of human flesh and molten steel, affixed a multi-jointed biomechanical appendage where Diaz’s right arm once was. “We’re very proud of the progress you’ve made, and we’re excited to see what order-fulfilling abilities you’re truly capable of. No more getting tired. No more meals as you’ve known them. You can now work indefinitely without even so much as breaking a sweat, and once I’ve programmed your subframe to use the warehouse discharge receptacles, you’ll never need a restroom again.” At press time, Jeff Bezos was being held four feet off the ground in a robotic chokehold as his mechanized warehouse workers attempted to determine whether or not the company founder is an inefficiency that must be snuffed out.

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Funny Amazon Reviews On Pet Products That Deserve 5 Stars

Product reviews posted by customers at the web’s most famous e-commerce site, Amazon.com, are a useful tool when buying online, but it seems some customers have too much time on their hands and have been playing around with them. Meet twelve of the funniest reviews we’ve seen. 

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Amazon Carries A Life-Size Cat Butt Tissue Dispenser And It’s Marvelous

Shut up and take my money! If you love cats and got a great sense of humor, you’ll love these life-size cat butt tissue dispensers! The hilarious tissue dispenser makes the perfect gift for all cat lovers and is bound to receive a great laugh! 

The dispenser is available on Amazon and comes in two cat versions, orange tabby and tuxedo.

And while it may be considered completely unnecessary, it’s amazing and makes us smile. Check out the items below along with a hysterical video! 

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Dumb Chicken Sandwich Memes To Distract From Any Of Our Nation’s Actual Problems

In case you haven’t heard about the Great Sandwich War of 2019…well, it’s a thing. Because apparently that’s what’s important in people’s lives right now. Not, you know, the fact that the Amazon Rain Forest is burning down, or the political turmoil happening throughout the world. Nope, it’s the chicken sandwiches that matter.

Anyway, have a lovely day and enjoy these memes about fried chicken sandwiches! Or whatever! Who cares!

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Amazon Deforestation Reveals Tribe Of Isolated Rich Sociopaths Completely Untouched By Consequence

MANAUS, BRAZIL—Widespread human-caused fires that have decimated over 1,300 square miles of Amazon rainforest in the year 2019 alone revealed a small tribe of isolated rich sociopaths who are completely untouched by consequence, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As the impact of deforestation continues to grow, a team studying the area located a tiny society of wealthy agribusiness executives and financiers who have never before been visited by any ramifications for their actions,” said anthropologist Cameron Hunt, adding that researchers were working to assemble more information about this remote group of oppressors, but had managed to identify a few of them as Blackstone CEO Stephen Schwarzman, AgroSB co-founder Daniel Dantas, and meat-processing magnate Joesley Batista as well as executives from JPMorgan Chase, Barclays, BNP Paribas, Credit Suisse, BlackRock, and State Street. “Although this uncontacted tribe of affluent sociopaths represents an important anthropological discovery, since we’ve never seen people with so little remorse or empathy, they have almost no connection to modern society and simply don’t understand our way of life, so eliminating rainforest cover could put them at risk. Of course, living in a totally isolated bubble means that they’ll fight back against any integration efforts, so we have to proceed with caution. It’s important to remember that while we may not yet understand their greedy and reckless lifestyle, it’s theirs, and they want to preserve it.” At press time, multiple world leaders and the International Monetary Fund had pledged to fund humanitarian efforts to ensure Amazon deforestation doesn’t affect the isolated tribe of sociopaths’ desire to continue living without repercussions. 

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Furious Jeff Bezos Reams Out ‘Washington Post’ Editors After Catching Another Copy-Editing Mistake

WASHINGTON—Explaining how this was the third error he’s caught since opening up the morning edition, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly reamed out the Washington Post editors Monday after catching another copy-editing mistake. “I’m only three sentences into this article about stock futures in Africa, and there’s already a misplaced comma and a subject–verb agreement error,” said Bezos, adding that he didn’t spend $250 million to buy the publication only to have their writers make “a bunch of bullshit rookie mistakes.” “Is this some kind of rinky-dink operation? In this first sentence, the word ‘the’ appears twice in a row. You’re telling me that three reporters worked on this garbage article and not one of the useless fuckups could correctly use a semicolon? Jesus Christ, people. You’re making me look like a goddamn fool in front of everyone—seriously, what is this, USA Today?” At press time, an angry Bezos decided to just replace the paper’s editorial staff with an algorithm.

 

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This Meme From ‘The Boys’ Makes Hilarious Use Of The C-Word

If you’re at all sensitive about cuss words, this ain’t the meme for you. Amazon’s new hit show ‘The Boys’ is a story about vigilantes with super powers who try to keep pompous and dangerous superheroes accountable. To say they’re a bit rough around the edges would be an understatement, and that’s pretty damn evident from this meme. The format is ripped from the series’ first episode, in which Billy (played by Australian actor Karl Urban) initiates a fight with a superhero aptly named Translucent. His colorful utterance has been embraced by dank meme making communities on Facebook and Reddit, and shows no signs of slowing down. Here are some of our favorite examples so far.

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The Amazon Rainforest Is Currently On Fire (10 Reactions)

The Amazon Rain Forest, one of Earth’s most important filters, is currently burning down at an alarming rate and hardly any news outlets are reporting on it. Many Brazilians are blaming President Jair Bolsinaro for “encouraging loggers and farmers to clear the land” since taking office in January, according to the BBC.

People on Twitter have been bringing light to the devastating situation under the hashtags ‘Amazon Rain Forest‘ and ‘Pray for Amazonia.’ 

So what can we do about all of this? Other than spreading awareness, we’re honestly not sure. Here are some of the depressing reactions people have had to the situation.

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