Amazing Styrofoam Box Escapes and Reenters Van

Of all the things you’ve seen a Styrofoam box do, this is probably the most lively. This bad boy falls out of the back of a van on the freeway, and it flippity-floops itself right back in there like magic. Two for the price of one baby. Remember to secure your loads, kids.

Of all the things you’ve seen a Styrofoam box do, this is probably the most lively. This bad boy falls out of the back of a van on the freeway, and it flippity-floops itself right back in there like magic. Two for the price of one baby. Remember to secure your loads, kids.

Submitted by: (via Sean)

Tagged: WoW , wtf , box , styrofoam , lol , amazing , Video

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Tumblr Thread: Humans are Too Strong for Their Own Good

It’s kinda scary, kinda thrilling and makes you kind of proud to think that in some cases, your body can be literally too strong to keep itself together. Tumblr spends a lot of time on the weird sci-fi-ness  of human physiology, which results in interesting threads like these Tumblr users exploring humans as space orcs or this Tumblr thread about aliens being defeated by earth’s wildlife.

It’s kinda scary, kinda thrilling and makes you kind of proud to think that in some cases, your body can be literally too strong to keep itself together. Tumblr spends a lot of time on the weird sci-fi-ness  of human physiology, which results in interesting threads like these Tumblr users exploring humans as space orcs or this Tumblr thread about aliens being defeated by earth’s wildlife.

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Text - not-a-bot-i-swear Just so you guys know. Hysterical strength is basically your body not holding back and going %100 though there is a great danger of you hurting yourself or breaking something since your ignoring pain and going %100. There was a case where a kid deadlifted a car to save a sibling but,cracked 8 of his teeth during it because he was clenching his jaw so hard. So whilst you can lift a car or fight off polar bears. Your probably going to break something. Because most of the t

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Text - karenhealey STOP GIVING THE ALIENS REASONS NOT TO VISIT. salamencerobot @celestial-naiad the whole one million percent smash was actually hysterical strength, according to horikoshi. on an unrelated note, did you know that if all the muscles in your back clenched at once your spine would shatter? have fun! celestial-naiad Thats a horrifying and empowering thought at the same time. silent-calling Also: when you are sufficiently electrocuted and "thrown back" what is actually happening is y

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Text - jadensilver This is the same stuff that stops you from biting off your own fingers and whatnot. Our brains just say 'no, don't,' whenever we try to do some dumbass shit, until we reach the point where it's either do the dumbass shit or die/watch someone else die. I think it's really cool though that we can shut off this function for others than ourselves. It shows a lot how we truly are social creatures at our core, that we don't just do this when it's our own body that might die, but for

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Text - This also means that anybody with a magical super-healing power would essentially get super strength out of the mix for free if they could get past the psychological limitations. That's probably what makes vampires so strong; they don't actually put out any more force than a normal human but they repair any damage they take in the process almost instantly. adhd-ruby-rose @krunchy-tuna why would you hide this hilarious comment in the tags #the human body will auto-yeet under the right cond

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Animals Are Reclaiming The Earth In Our Absence

While humans are stuck inside, the animals will play! That’s right! Animals are reclaiming (or just roaming around freely) the Earth. Thanks to humans being cooped up inside, animals are able to wander more freely and into territories that were more occupied by humans. 

And as it turns out… Earth has been thriving without us! 

While humans are stuck inside, the animals will play! That’s right! Animals are reclaiming (or just roaming around freely) the Earth. Thanks to humans being cooped up inside, animals are able to wander more freely and into territories that were more occupied by humans. 

And as it turns out… Earth has been thriving without us! 

Submitted by: (via cheezburger)

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Dude Nails “Through The Fire and The Flames” at 165% Speed

You thought Guitar Hero was dead, but nope. It’s kind of remarkable that people are still doing this. We remember being afraid of this song at regular speed, but these modified attempts are amazing, and frankly kind of scary.

You thought Guitar Hero was dead, but nope. It’s kind of remarkable that people are still doing this. We remember being afraid of this song at regular speed, but these modified attempts are amazing, and frankly kind of scary.

Submitted by: (via GHAddict)

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Photos That Say More Than Just a Thousand Words

Ready for your weekly dose of amazing animal photos?

These are sure worth your time. 

Here’s a link to our previous list, in case you missed it.

Ready for your weekly dose of amazing animal photos?

These are sure worth your time. 

Here’s a link to our previous list, in case you missed it.

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Wildlife

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Vertebrate

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Nose

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Finger

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Blossom

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Mammal

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Cat

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Domestic rabbit

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Facial expression

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Dog

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Water

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Vertebrate

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Mammal

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Cat

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Polar bear

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Dog

17.

Tree

18.

Mammal

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Gorgeous sunsets and cardboard make for a beautiful distraction (32 Photos)

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Epic WINS and good times galore! (17 GIFs)

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A terrifying visit to the Rothenberg Zoo; a treatise (18 Photos)

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Tales of Extreme Stinginess

We personally have done some ridiculously inconvenient things to save not enough money. When you realize that you’re spending 3 hours and gas money to go to a store the next town over save three dollars on apple juice, it really makes you reevaluate how much your time is worth. That said, we love a deal and here are stories of people’s sketchy cheap buys that ended up being their best purchases. On the other side there are people who try to bully and swindle people out of their dollars or complain over the contents of a dollar taco, and those entitled people need to pack up their rotten attitudes.

We personally have done some ridiculously inconvenient things to save not enough money. When you realize that you’re spending 3 hours and gas money to go to a store the next town over save three dollars on apple juice, it really makes you reevaluate how much your time is worth. That said, we love a deal and here are stories of people’s sketchy cheap buys that ended up being their best purchases. On the other side there are people who try to bully and swindle people out of their dollars or complain over the contents of a dollar taco, and those entitled people need to pack up their rotten attitudes.

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Fascinating Paintings Of Artist Vanessa Stockard’s Cat, Kevin

We’re strangely obsessed with Vanessa Stockard‘s paintings of her cat, Kevin. And sometimes her other cat, Barcode. 

If you haven’t heard of this artist or seen her work yet — prepare yourself for a treat! Vanessa Stockard is a traditional painter who paints of large canvas of wood! There’s so much life and beautiful in her work — you can find yourself mesmerized forever!

We’re strangely obsessed with Vanessa Stockard‘s paintings of her cat, Kevin. And sometimes her other cat, Barcode. 

If you haven’t heard of this artist or seen her work yet — prepare yourself for a treat! Vanessa Stockard is a traditional painter who paints of large canvas of wood! There’s so much life and beautiful in her work — you can find yourself mesmerized forever!

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Snake-Bitten Mini Horse Named Teaspoon Can Walk Again Thanks To Wheelchair

This poor mini-horse has had a real tough start to life, at just 5-months-old. 

Teaspoon, was sadly left disabled after being bitten by a snake in her back leg. The leg soon became necrotic and needed to be amputated. Teaspoon’s former owners soon realized they wouldn’t be able to provide the attention and extra care she needed following the operation. 

Panda Paws Rescue came to the rescue! With additional help from the New Jersey-based animal farm rescue Goats of Anarchy, the two rescues came together to carefully transport Teaspoon from Louisiana to her new home at Goats of Anarchy, which is a farm that is focused on caring for special need animals. 

And when Walkin’ Pets heard about Teaspoon’s five months of hardship, they also wanted to help. Thanks to the parts they donated, the first-ever Walkin’ Wheels wheelchair built for a horse was created! And additional thanks for the wheelchair frame donated by Panda Paws. 

Thanks to all these incredible people who came together — Teaspoon can now walk! 

Her journey so far as been documented on Goats of Anarchy’s Instagram page:

This poor mini-horse has had a real tough start to life, at just 5-months-old. 

Teaspoon, was sadly left disabled after being bitten by a snake in her back leg. The leg soon became necrotic and needed to be amputated. Teaspoon’s former owners soon realized they wouldn’t be able to provide the attention and extra care she needed following the operation. 

Panda Paws Rescue came to the rescue! With additional help from the New Jersey-based animal farm rescue Goats of Anarchy, the two rescues came together to carefully transport Teaspoon from Louisiana to her new home at Goats of Anarchy, which is a farm that is focused on caring for special need animals. 

And when Walkin’ Pets heard about Teaspoon’s five months of hardship, they also wanted to help. Thanks to the parts they donated, the first-ever Walkin’ Wheels wheelchair built for a horse was created! And additional thanks for the wheelchair frame donated by Panda Paws. 

Thanks to all these incredible people who came together — Teaspoon can now walk! 

Her journey so far as been documented on Goats of Anarchy’s Instagram page:

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Simple brain ‘hacks’ that’ll help enhance your memory

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Photographer Befriends Squirrels And Takes The Coolest Pics

Meet the fantastic Geert Weggen! Photographer extraordinaire from both Sweden and the Netherlands, and might be an actual squirrel-whisperer. With more 60,000 followers on his Instagram page, Weggen has been focused on red squirrels for the last several years and managed to become best friends with the critters. 

These photos are so remarkably whimsical! We feel as if we’ve been transported to another world that’s just pure delight!

Meet the fantastic Geert Weggen! Photographer extraordinaire from both Sweden and the Netherlands, and might be an actual squirrel-whisperer. With more 60,000 followers on his Instagram page, Weggen has been focused on red squirrels for the last several years and managed to become best friends with the critters. 

These photos are so remarkably whimsical! We feel as if we’ve been transported to another world that’s just pure delight!

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Man Brings A Llama To Sister’s Wedding, As Promised

Five years ago, Reddit user u/DJ117Xx promised his sister that he will bring a llama to her wedding. Well, two days ago, said wedding happened and that man delivered on his promised. 

Not only did he deliver, he dressed up the llama in a tux, making the moment even more perfect. 

The response? Golden. 


Five years ago, Reddit user u/DJ117Xx promised his sister that he will bring a llama to her wedding. Well, two days ago, said wedding happened and that man delivered on his promised. 

Not only did he deliver, he dressed up the llama in a tux, making the moment even more perfect. 

The response? Golden. 

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Guy Makes Sausage out of Totino’s Pizza Rolls

This mad sausage man turns things that aren’t sausage into sausage and honestly it’s more satisfying than we’d expect. Seeing a person put things into sausage that you never thought possible is some weird combination of gross but intriguing. But I guess that’s how the sausage, is…uh…made.

This mad sausage man turns things that aren’t sausage into sausage and honestly it’s more satisfying than we’d expect. Seeing a person put things into sausage that you never thought possible is some weird combination of gross but intriguing. But I guess that’s how the sausage, is…uh…made.

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Luxurious Costa Rica Hotel Lets You Chill With Sloths

Anyone else dialing up their travel agent as they read this? Haha, just kidding — who has a travel agent? 

But seriously, we are deep into Google flights figuring out how to make this our reality! 

A stunning luxurious hotel in the Costa Rica rainforest, Nayara Hotels, is speaking to our hearts right now. Filled with luxury, adventure, relaxation and nature — this place seems to have it all. 

Oh. And it has one other thing — Sloths! 

Anyone else dialing up their travel agent as they read this? Haha, just kidding — who has a travel agent? 

But seriously, we are deep into Google flights figuring out how to make this our reality! 

A stunning luxurious hotel in the Costa Rica rainforest, Nayara Hotels, is speaking to our hearts right now. Filled with luxury, adventure, relaxation and nature — this place seems to have it all. 

Oh. And it has one other thing — Sloths! 

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Indian Couple Buy Land Near Tiger Reserve To Let Forest Grow Back

Photographer Aditya Singh quit his job, left Delhi and moved to Sawai Madhopur city, in Rajasthan, just outside Ranthambore Tiger Reserve. He moved here in order to be closer to nature. His wife, Poonam Singh, opened a tourist resort there to earn their living. And over the past 20 years, the Singh’s has bought roughly 35 acres of land which shares its boundary with Ranthambore tiger reserve and left it completely undisturbed.

Now, the land is flourishing as it’s covered in a lush greenery and is frequented occupied by wild animals, including tigers, throughout the year.

What inspired this new way of living? Poonam Signh tells Quartz India, “My first sighting was a tigress with three cubs on a hill. It was magical. At the end of the trip, I just asked him if we can move to Ranthambore. He wanted it, too, and within months we moved. As far as this land is concerned, it was a dream that we both saw and achieved together to have our own area of wilderness.”

The future goal? To continue buying more land to expand the forest even further, and to inspire others to follow suit. 

How incredible is that? The Singh’s are our heroes! 

Photographer Aditya Singh quit his job, left Delhi and moved to Sawai Madhopur city, in Rajasthan, just outside Ranthambore Tiger Reserve. He moved here in order to be closer to nature. His wife, Poonam Singh, opened a tourist resort there to earn their living. And over the past 20 years, the Singh’s has bought roughly 35 acres of land which shares its boundary with Ranthambore tiger reserve and left it completely undisturbed.

Now, the land is flourishing as it’s covered in a lush greenery and is frequented occupied by wild animals, including tigers, throughout the year.

What inspired this new way of living? Poonam Signh tells Quartz India, “My first sighting was a tigress with three cubs on a hill. It was magical. At the end of the trip, I just asked him if we can move to Ranthambore. He wanted it, too, and within months we moved. As far as this land is concerned, it was a dream that we both saw and achieved together to have our own area of wilderness.”

The future goal? To continue buying more land to expand the forest even further, and to inspire others to follow suit. 

How incredible is that? The Singh’s are our heroes! 

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A look at the legendary Leonardo Da Vinci (20 Photos)

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Bizarre eating faux-pas from the world over (15 Photos)

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Photographer Captures Stunning Images Of The World’s Only Known Pink Manta Ray

Off the coast of Australia, near Lady Elliot Island, the world’s only known pink manta ray has once again been spotted! 

Nicknamed “Inspector Clouseau,” after the the main character of the classic “The Pink Panther,” was photographed by Kristian Laine

According to Laine, she was original confused when seeing the pink manta, believing the ray’s vibrant hue was due to a camera malfunction. Laine told Australian Geographic, “I was in the middle of a manta train with seven other mantas. I was looking through my viewfinder and was thinking it’s weird that one of the mantas looks pink. I actually thought my strobes were playing up, making the manta look pink.”

When she returned to land, Laine discovered that the sighting was authentic, and later took to Instagram to share photos of the “amazing and absolutely unforgettable encounter.”

The last, and first, time the rare manta ray was spotted was in 2015, by diving instructor Ryan Jeffery off Lady Elliot Island (once again). 

The pink coloring on this manta ray remains a mystery. Project Manta’s Asia Armstrong said, “The working theory is that it is just a different and very unique expression of the melanin, but that is still to be confirmed.”

Off the coast of Australia, near Lady Elliot Island, the world’s only known pink manta ray has once again been spotted! 

Nicknamed “Inspector Clouseau,” after the the main character of the classic “The Pink Panther,” was photographed by Kristian Laine

According to Laine, she was original confused when seeing the pink manta, believing the ray’s vibrant hue was due to a camera malfunction. Laine told Australian Geographic, “I was in the middle of a manta train with seven other mantas. I was looking through my viewfinder and was thinking it’s weird that one of the mantas looks pink. I actually thought my strobes were playing up, making the manta look pink.”

When she returned to land, Laine discovered that the sighting was authentic, and later took to Instagram to share photos of the “amazing and absolutely unforgettable encounter.”

The last, and first, time the rare manta ray was spotted was in 2015, by diving instructor Ryan Jeffery off Lady Elliot Island (once again). 

The pink coloring on this manta ray remains a mystery. Project Manta’s Asia Armstrong said, “The working theory is that it is just a different and very unique expression of the melanin, but that is still to be confirmed.”

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Tenant Escapes Fraudulent Deal with Thieving Landlord

This tenant found themselves in a deal they didn’t agree to with a landlord who tried to steal from them. So they took stock of the things that they could legally control, and made them an ultimatum. Sometimes landlords will try to scam their tenants, but it doesn’t work out for them.

This tenant found themselves in a deal they didn’t agree to with a landlord who tried to steal from them. So they took stock of the things that they could legally control, and made them an ultimatum. Sometimes landlords will try to scam their tenants, but it doesn’t work out for them.

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Shockwave Coming Up A Pipe Is Incredible

The video doesn’t offer much explanation as to why these guys are detonating anything at the end of this pipe, but holy crap. The sound and speed is reminiscent of a jet breaking the sound barrier. Surprisingly, the op says that only basic earplugs are required for protection against this monster.

The video doesn’t offer much explanation as to why these guys are detonating anything at the end of this pipe, but holy crap. The sound and speed is reminiscent of a jet breaking the sound barrier. Surprisingly, the op says that only basic earplugs are required for protection against this monster.

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Tattoo Parlor Has Epic Response for Entitled Customer

Sometimes people feel like being a paying customer makes them impervious to criticism, but when it comes to responding to entitled customers who don’t reveal the full story, the businesses themselves tend to have some pretty damning responses. Here’s one where a business owner leveled with a guy who complained over a dollar taco. This one has an interesting twist regarding that pesky “voice was too high” remark.

Sometimes people feel like being a paying customer makes them impervious to criticism, but when it comes to responding to entitled customers who don’t reveal the full story, the businesses themselves tend to have some pretty damning responses. Here’s one where a business owner leveled with a guy who complained over a dollar taco. This one has an interesting twist regarding that pesky “voice was too high” remark.

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Red bull gives you big balls apparently (15 GIFs)

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Tumblr User Expounds Tolkein’s Wonderful Nerdery

Tumblr users apparently have a lot of time on their hands, and they use it for amusingly specific and labor intensive thoughts like the relationship between elves eyes and the curvature of middle earth, or discussing the full versions of classic sayings. We’re glad people get so into stuff, like this Tumblr thread that makes history fun.

Tumblr users apparently have a lot of time on their hands, and they use it for amusingly specific and labor intensive thoughts like the relationship between elves eyes and the curvature of middle earth, or discussing the full versions of classic sayings. We’re glad people get so into stuff, like this Tumblr thread that makes history fun.

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People Who Did Not Give A Rip

There are point in our life when we see some BS, like these breaking point moments of retail workers. Typically we tolerate this kind of behavior and our social graces prevail so we don’t get to act on spiteful impulse. These people said “screw that” did and did that shit anyway. 

There are point in our life when we see some BS, like these breaking point moments of retail workers. Typically we tolerate this kind of behavior and our social graces prevail so we don’t get to act on spiteful impulse. These people said “screw that” did and did that shit anyway. 

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Guy Absolutely Nails Perfect Bowls Shot

When his partner Greg Harlow mentioned the prospects of this shot at the World Indoor Bowls Championships, the crowd laughed at the unlikelihood of turning it around. What followed was Nick Brett rolling in a perfectly aimed shot that is so satisfying that you want to watch it twice.

When his partner Greg Harlow mentioned the prospects of this shot at the World Indoor Bowls Championships, the crowd laughed at the unlikelihood of turning it around. What followed was Nick Brett rolling in a perfectly aimed shot that is so satisfying that you want to watch it twice.

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Hot Hot Hollywood: Glenn Close Is Exiting The Chateau Marmont With Richard Linklater And The Crypt Keeper On Each Arm And They Are Smugly Walking Into The Traffic Of Sunset Boulevard To Kill Themselves

Well, it cannot be said otherwise but that we’ve got the hot scoop straight out of Hollywood once more, and this time it is too hot to spot! Glenn Close is exiting the Chateau Marmont with Richard Linklater and the Crypt Keeper on each arm, and they are smugly walking into the traffic of Sunset Boulevard to kill…

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Well, it cannot be said otherwise but that we’ve got the hot scoop straight out of Hollywood once more, and this time it is too hot to spot! Glenn Close is exiting the Chateau Marmont with Richard Linklater and the Crypt Keeper on each arm, and they are smugly walking into the traffic of Sunset Boulevard to kill themselves!!

What a perfect day it is in Tinseltown! The paparazzi are crab-walking as fast as they can to get to Sunset Boulevard in time to snap the perfect pic of the three best friends proudly ending their lives!!

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Yes, it has always been said: Ha cha cha and ooh la la! Multiple inside sources have confirmed that a mere 12 minutes ago, Mrs. The Wife Glenn Close finished eating a Kinder egg under the table in the famous big hotel Chateau Marmont conference room, pulled herself up off the ground, linked her right arm with Boyhood’s own Man Richard Linklater and her left arm with the Crypt Keeper (the skeleton who talks LOUD like the angry sea), and they all skipped out of the hotel Wizard Of Oz-style with the smuggest smirks you’ve ever seen!

Wow and wow! You just can’t find something like this in any other place, and if you did find it somewhere else, then the name of that place would be Hollywood (Tinseltown)!

When the lobby’s own bellhop stopped Glenn Close on her way out of the hotel to ask if he could be of any assistance, she curtly responded, “Not unless you have a tall drink of real-life poison to make us three friends be dead!” Then Glenn Close and the Crypt Keeper and the Boyhood’s Man Linklater all marched to the busy street of cars as Richard Linklater proudly chanted, “Into the road! Into the road! Into the road we go!”

The celebrities are out and they are ready to die! Sources close to the Crypt Keeper confirm that he just dashed off into a Dry Bar to get his last blow-out before death! Glenn Close just handed a bucket drummer her social security card and asked him to play Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie,” because she has always wanted to hear a J-Tim song played upon the buckets while she passes away!

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Step aside, Disney World, because HOLLYWOOD is the new most magical place on Earth! The Crypt Keeper just moon-walked out of Dry Bar while showing off his long, flowing blonde hair that cascades down from his bald spot and shouted, “Who wants to fun me over with their vehellcle?” Soon, a car will come to make him flat in the road and that’s why he’s famous!

Forget the stars in the sky, because it’s the stars of Tinseltown that really light up our shining Hollywood!

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Off into the rush-hour traffic they go! Sources say Glenn Close just screamed at a slow-moving BMW to “Either drive at death-speed or get the hell off the road!” Good luck with your fabulous suicide, celebrities! Now it’s time for everybody to go to bed so that we can find out what delights Hollywood has in store for us tomorrow!

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Fascinating Trend: More And More Women Are Freezing Their Kids Until They’re Ready To Raise Them

As opportunities in the workplace have increased for women over the past decade, so have ways for women to fit starting a family into their ideal life timeline. And one new family planning trend in particular really seems to be on the rise: Today, more and more women are freezing their kids until they’re ready to…

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As opportunities in the workplace have increased for women over the past decade, so have ways for women to fit starting a family into their ideal life timeline. And one new family planning trend in particular really seems to be on the rise: Today, more and more women are freezing their kids until they’re ready to raise them.

How interesting! It seems like this option could offer the best of both worlds for many moms.

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Just because you want to deal with your kids eventually doesn’t mean you want to raise them right now, and that’s why many women are making the choice to use liquid nitrogen to suspend their children in prolonged cryosleep and then thaw them out and parent them at a later date. Mothers who are sick of tending to their kids’ every need can bring their offspring to treatment centers where expert technicians will put the children on ice and hold them in containment tubes until such a time as their parents feel prepared to give them the attention they require.

So smart! This is such an exciting option for women everywhere!

“I chose to freeze my kids when I was struggling to decide whether I could handle a promotion at work while simultaneously continuing to drive my twin 6-year-olds to school every goddamn morning and wrestle them into the bath every goddamn night,” said Michelle Schopmeyer, a mother from Boston who chose to freeze her two kids last year. “It’s a great option because there are no adverse medical effects to the procedureit is specifically designed so that I get to raise the exact same kids I had before, just on a timeline that works for me. And the doctors who did the procedure assured me that it only take a couple weeks to melt them out, meaning I can resume being a parent as soon as I’m ready to.”

According to a recent study, the amount of women of childbearing age who had dropped their kids off at a freezing center increased by 300% last year. The trend is only growing, and fewer than 15% of the children have died while frozen! If you’re a parent who doesn’t feel ready keep doing this shit day in and day out, look into freezing your childrenit might very well be the right option for you.

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Trapping Small Game And More: 11 New Uses I Discovered For My Ass While Living As A Hermit In The Woods The Past 20 Years

The human body has an incredible ability to adapt to difficult situations. As a hermit who’s lived alone in the woods for the past 20 years, no one knows this better than me. Finding all sorts of new ways to use my ass has been invaluable in helping me not only survive, but also thrive while living my primitive

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The human body has an incredible ability to adapt to difficult situations. As a hermit who’s lived alone in the woods for the past 20 years, no one knows this better than me. Finding all sorts of new ways to use my ass has been invaluable in helping me not only survive, but also thrive while living my primitive lifestyle. Here are 11 new uses I’ve discovered for my ass while living isolated in remote wilderness.

1. Killing snakes

The mountains where I live alone are beautiful, but the threat of venomous snakes is a constant worry. After trying all sorts of methods for efficiently killing snakes, I eventually discovered that I could cleanly behead the serpents with a quick squeeze of my ass. I simply insert the head of the snake into my ass, clench down with all my might, twist my hips sharply, and boom, dead snake. It’s safe, effective, humane, and it doesn’t waste any of the meat. I’ve killed hundreds of snakes this way and I’ve only been bitten on the anus once, but that was because I got a little reckless and tried beheading two snakes with my ass at the same time.

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2. Carrying food and water

In the wintertime when food is scarce, every calorie is invaluable. Thankfully, I learned that the seeds and berries I collect in the summer can be easily preserved for winter inside my ass, where the food remains safely hidden from hungry birds and critters. And while it’s not my favorite method for carrying water, I’ve also found that in a pinch I can slurp nearly a gallon of water into my ass and excrete it whenever I’m thirsty. It took a while to learn to get the water from my ass to my mouth gracefully, but like anything you do with your ass, practice makes perfect.

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3. Calling elk

When you live as far off the grid as I do, big game hunting isn’t just a sport—it’s necessary for survival. Elk make a high-pitched call known as a bugle during their breeding season to locate mates, and learning to emulate that sound with my ass to call in elk and kill them with a spear has been crucial in keeping me stocked up with plenty of lean, protein-rich meat. I’ve tried a lot of methods of calling elk with my ass, but the one that really fools the elk into coming to me involves clustering a few acorns together in my sphincter to create sort of a whistle. I then use a bighorn sheep’s bladder like a balloon to fill my ass with air, and after that I’m ready to let er rip. Living in the wild, buying store-bought hunting calls isn’t an option. Your only option is to call elk with your ass.

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4. Digging tunnels

I came out here with all sorts of tools, but as many of them have gotten broken over the years, I’ve had to start relying more and more on my ass. After accidentally breaking the shovel I use for digging the tunnels I sleep in, I figured out that, by clenching my ass cheeks to remove small plugs of dirt, I could dig through the earth almost as quickly as I could with the shovel. I’ve actually become so proficient at it that even if I had a shovel available, at this point I’d probably just prefer to do all my tunneling with my rectum.

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5. Breathing

If you think you can’t breathe with your ass it’s because you’ve never tried it. It took a while to get the mechanics down, but after I got the hang of ass-breathing, it became an incredible asset in survival situations, like when my head’s underwater looking for fish to eat or when I’m trying to stay silent so the hungry mountain lions who stalk my camp don’t notice me. Honestly, with all of the new uses I’ve discovered for my ass since I left the rat race behind for a life of solitude in the woods, sometimes I forget that its primary purpose is to defecate.

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6. Starting fires

Once, a number of years ago, I found myself stranded in the backcountry during a merciless snowstorm without matches to start a fire. Chilled to the bone and shivering, I struggled to ignite a pile of wet leaves with a flint and tinder. I knew if I couldn’t get them to ignite I would soon freeze to death. As I panicked, I went over everything I had on me that could help me start a fire, and that’s when I remembered that I had an ass. Soon, I was warming my hands on a roaring campfire. Who knew something as juvenile as lighting one’s farts on fire could literally save your life?

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7. Trapping small game

When I decided to abandon modern society and live a life in nature, I never pictured having to lay still for hours on end waiting for a rabbit to jump onto my ass so I could crush it to death with my cheeks. But now I employ that exact technique to secure most of my meals. I find a rabbit trail, camouflage my ass cheeks with mud and leaves, bait my asshole with some seeds, and wait. Sometimes it takes hours before I finally get a nibble, but when I do, I’m always ready to spring my asshole into action, sucking the critter into my rectal cavity where it then suffocates to death. It’s not exactly the fast-paced adventure I imagined when I first moved out into the wild, but an ass-caught rabbit is actually quite the delicacy.

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8. Raising it in the air to disguise myself as a diseased bear when the park ranger is around

Living where I do isn’t exactly legal, so I’ve got to constantly take measures to keep park officials from discovering me. One technique I use for disguising myself is sticking my ass in the air and moving it in a way that hopefully makes the ranger mistake it for a bear who’s suffering from mange. Once, I heard park rangers approaching so I stuck my ass in the air and squished my ass cheeks together with my hands so that my ass skin looked like a bear who’d been badly burned or had a birth defect. One of the park rangers shined her flashlight right at my ass and yelled to her partner, “It’s a sick bear. Should we put it out of its misery?” Luckily, I was able to croak out the word, “Nooo!” with my ass before they shot it, and thankfully they let me go.

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9. Having conversations with it when I’m lonely

As much as I love living a life of solitude, it’s impossible not to long for some human contact. Surprisingly, talking to my ass as if it’s a separate person and then doing a voice for it and having it “respond” really helps with the loneliness. Just the other day, I spoke to my ass at length about what it thought the outside world was like now. It actually had some pretty fascinating ideas, like that helicopters have probably replaced cars completely and that death is likely now entirely preventable thanks to advancements in cryogenics. I don’t know if I agree with my ass about the helicopter thing, but it’s still nice to have someone to talk to, even if it’s just my own ass.

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10. Opening canned goods

Every now and then I’ll stumble across a campsite where someone left behind some cans of food, and all I’ve gotta do is pop the lid off with my ass, something which requires keeping my ass not only strong, but sharp.

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11. Supporting a pole for a shelter on rocky ground

Sometimes the mountains I live in are so rocky that I can’t even drive a pole into the ground to support my tarp when it’s raining. One day, while having a particularly difficult time driving a pole into the ground in a downpour, I thought to myself, Hey, you know what? I’ve got an ass! Within about 10 seconds, I was laying face-down on the ground with that pole sticking out of my ass and I was dry as a bone. Amazing, right? My ass is truly my Swiss Army knife, grocery store, and best friend all rolled into one, and I can’t imagine life without it.

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