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If you haven’t tried scrolling through r/YoutubeHaiku for hours, you should—it’s definitely a mood. One could even call the experience poetic. Here’s a handful of stupid videos under thirty seconds that made us laugh out loud.
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No kidding, what happened next?"
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
They decide to release a single rabbit into the forest, and whoever can find it in the least amount of time is the best.
The FBI goes first. The interrogate all the animals, search every hole and cave and after 24 hours reluctantly admit that they can’t find the rabbit.
The CIA then goes in. The burn down half the forest, send in specialized robots and drones into all the holes and caves and after 24 hours reluctantly admit that they can’t find the rabbit.
Next the LAPD goes in… and in 20 minutes come out with a bloody bear who’s yelling “I’m a rabbit, please, I’m a rabbit!”
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…"
Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "Okay", he says. They sit down and no one says a word.
As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket… Suddenly the father shouts:
I'll DO the FU**IN' dishes!"
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
He sees a baby bear. "Great", he thinks, "this will be a good kill." Just then, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a massive bear behind him.
"I saw what you were doing, you bastard" says the bear. "We have a special punishment for people like you. Now pull down your trousers." The man looks horrified but the bear is huge, so he pulls down his trousers and the bear does something unspeakable to him.
After he's finished, the bear says "Now get out of here, and let that be a warning to you never to hunt a bear again." The man leaves, but rather than going home he moves to another spot and looks down his sights again. He sees another baby bear. "I'll get it this time" he thinks. But just as he's lining up his shot he feels another tap on his shoulder.
He turns round to see three massive bears behind him. "I warned you, you sick fucker" says the bear. "Now I've bought three of my friends to teach you another lesson. Pull down your trousers." Terrified of the bears, the man does, and all three of the bears take turns. "Now I hope you've learned your lesson, you monster." says the first bear. And the bears leave.
But the man isn't deterred, so he simply moves once more and looks down his gun. As luck would have it he sees another baby bear. Unable to refuse the chance, he lines up the shot but just as he's about to pull the trigger he feels another tap on his shoulder.
"You're not here for the hunting, are you?" says the bear.
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds.
"Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled", the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."