David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity

THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like Antonin Scalia ascended to the highest ranks of Heaven and held the title of Divine Person,” said Koch, who, after arriving in the afterlife, reportedly began lobbying prominent Holy Angels and poured cash into conservative Heaven-wide advertising initiatives in order to secure a spot for the former Supreme Court justice to replace the Holy Spirit. “Over the years, Antonin has proved himself to have a strict originalist approach to scripture and God’s commandments, and he is the only logical choice to get Heaven back on track. This is the first step of many to ensure that one day, the Holy Trinity has a conservative majority.” At press time, sources had reported that David Koch had joined a coalition of prominent conservative Saints to begin grooming Neil Gorsuch for a position as a hypostasis when he dies.

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Depression Memes For Laughing Away Your Pain (22 Pics)

These memes are for the downtrodden and the depressed. The lonely and the anxious. They’re also for people who are normally happy and bubbly, but are now feeling a case of the summertime sadness. We see you, and we hear you. And you’re certainly not alone. 

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Meet The Newly Adopted Faces Of The Week! (15 Images)

Ready to smile? Each week we are featuring the newly adopted pets of the week! From kittens and puppies to families and seniors! Is there a lovelier sight than an animal being adopted?! We wholeheartedly thank those who have adopted, providing animals with a loving, comfortable and warm home. There’s literally nothing better. 

For those of you who are thinking about getting a pet, just remember; adopt, don’t shop! 

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6 Insanely Complicated Ways Hollywood Tried To Stop Spoilers

6

Game Of Thrones Sent Kit Harington To Spain For No Reason

Game Of Thrones has always been pretty strict about keeping plots under wraps, thankfully stopping short of burning every copy of the book series and stashing George R.R. Martin in a cheap roadside motel to keep quiet. The final season was no exception, with producers wanting to protect the big twist that everyone would actually loathe it. For starters, in order to block aerial robot spies, the crew obtained a $30,000 “Dronekiller,” which is literally a giant gun used to kill drones.


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Producers also reportedly filmed multiple endings, which isn’t unusual for super secretive productions, though it does make you wonder how crappy the unused endings must have been. Most ridiculous is what they did with the scene in which (SPOILERS) the heads of all the houses (including the much-maligned House Evian) meet and decide that Bran should be king because … stories? Anyway, so that nosy fans and paparazzi wouldn’t know exactly who was still alive and hanging out in King’s Landing in the finale, they forced a bunch of actors who weren’t in the episode to fly out to the set. Including the Night King and those Faceless Men dudes.

HBOThey considered bringing Sean Bean back as a misdirection, but figured no one would believe a plot twist where he was unexpectedly alive for once.

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She’s Had Too Many Chances: 6 Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Give Grandma Her Whistle Back

We’ve been through this too many times. We take Grandma’s whistle, then she cries and begs and promises she’ll behave, and the second we give it back to her, she’s right back to her old tricks. We can’t let her keep playing us like fools. Here are six reasons why we need to take away her whistle privileges for good.

1. It’s not even her whistle

She stole it from the neighbor’s garage. Rodney caught it on his Nest camera and everything, and when we confronted Grandma about it she just blew the whistle really loud and pretended not to hear us. So why do we feel bad taking it from her if it never actually belonged to her in the first place?

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2. It does not help her “see” better with her glaucoma

Grandma seems to think that the whistle has a sort of echolocation effect that helps her detect walls and stuff, but that is obviously bullshit. Blowing the whistle constantly while she’s maneuvering around the house does not help her in the slightest, and if her glaucoma is really as bad as she claims, she should take the eyedrops the doctor prescribed her.

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3. If she uses it to impersonate a crossing guard again, someone could get killed

Last time she impersonated a crossing guard it was thankfully in the middle of the day when there wasn’t much traffic, but next time we might not be so lucky. Between the whistle and the orange vest she dug out of the box of Halloween stuff, her crossing guard getup is pretty convincing, and I doubt a busy mom pushing a stroller would think twice if Grandma waved her into oncoming traffic. It’s a serious liability.

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4. She has a clarinet she never touches that she can actually play beautifully

Why do we put up with her terrible-sounding whistle when she could instead be playing music that’d actually be lovely to hear? She used to be in a symphony orchestra, for chrissakes! She says she doesn’t play the clarinet anymore because the mouthpiece hurts her lips, but considering how swollen and bloody her gums are from blowing her whistle 14 hours a day, I seriously doubt pain would be an issue.

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5. Every time she blows the whistle outside, the backyard fills with deer

I have no idea why this happens, but the whistle sound makes deer show up by the dozens, and they’re absolutely wrecking the yard. They’ve eaten all of Mom’s flowers, they’ve torn up all the sod. We can’t even set foot out there anymore without our shoes getting caked in deer shit. The deer are a nightmare, and it’s unsettling how responsive they are to Grandma. Once, she blew the whistle at them and they all ran over and started headbutting the grill. That’s a learned behavior. She must’ve taught them that. And honestly, she’s pretty much the last person I want to see wielding power over nature. She just can’t be trusted.

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6. The whistle serves literally no purpose

None. All it does is make everybody miserable. It’s seriously the worst fucking sound in the world. And it’s disgusting! Grandma never washes it, and it’s just gushing with spit. I mean, there’s a real odor to it—you can smell it halfway across the room. Not to mention it’s a legitimate safety hazard. Grandma’s swallowed it twice now, and one of these days Dad isn’t gonna be around to give her the Heimlich.

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There’s just no real reason for her to have a whistle, especially if she’s gonna keep being a dick about it. She never obeys her 9 p.m. whistle curfew. She blows it menacingly at children. And she’s made it so none of our friends want to come to our house anymore because it’s impossible to have a conversation over all her whistle racket. She’s just so goddamn inappropriate with it all the time, and since she doesn’t pay rent or help out with house chores, we truly owe her nothing. She says she’ll go on a hunger strike if we don’t give her the whistle back, but who cares? Let her throw her stupid tantrum. We should just throw that awful whistle in the garbage and move on with our lives. Good fucking riddance.

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Cow playing.

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This guy is pretty good… wait, wtf is that? (34 Photos)

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Kid Only Pitcher Because He’s Son Of Coach, Gets Daily One-On-One Training, Goes To Pitching Camp Every Summer

SOUDERTON, PA—Expressing frustration that he has not actually earned his position, Little League sources told reporters Friday that Rory Peters was only the team’s starting pitcher because he’s the son of Coach P, gets daily one-on-one training, and goes to an intensive pitching camp for six weeks every summer. “It’s total bullshit that Rory starts every game just because his dad forces him to practice two hours a night,” said an anonymous source close to the team, dismissing Peters’ standing on the ball club as the product of nepotism and an unbroken focus that has been imposed on him by his father since the age of five. “It’s discouraging to the rest of us to know that we would be up there if we were the coach’s kid and had all his knowledge and effort poured into us. I mean, Peters has a decent fastball, but he’s really not that special. Why not give a chance to someone who isn’t your kid and isn’t half as good as him?” At press time, teammates were taunting Peters for being a little suck up and staying after practice to work on his mechanics.

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Rob Lowe’s Son Displays Masterful Trolling On His Pops’ Instagram

Former Brat Pack star andParks and Rec darling Rob Lowe is easily one of our favorite celebrities – and it seems that talent runs strong in his gene pool. Twitter user Marianne Lane has significantly brightened our weeks with the revelation that John Lowe has been roasting almost all of his famous father’s Instagram posts. From razzing Lowe for posting that bogus Instagram privacy hoaxto mocking his acting skills, the recent Stanford grad has definitely revealed himself as the funniest dude in his family. We’ve put together some of his most fiery efforts. While there are probably loads more where these came from, it seems Rob has deactivated his Instagram account, either out of embarrassment after the privacy hoax, or because his son’s roasting finally got to him. We may never know.

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The Birdman Of India Feeds 8,000 Parakeets Twice a Day

Twice a day, Joseph Sekar, a camera mechanic, goes to the roof of his camera repair shop in Chennai, India, and feeds 8,000 parakeets. That’s right, 8,000 birds, twice a day.  It’s a lot, but for Joseph, nothing brings more joy than watching the birds fly and knowing they are well-fed and healthy. He’s the Birdman of Chennai—and he couldn’t be happier.

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Wanna Hear a Joke?

I’m not an American. Pick one or offer me a 4-th option:
1. Trump is an evil Nazi, biggot, misogynist – the media is correct about him. And half of the country is blind or outright evil.
2. Trump is an evil Nazi, biggot, misogynist – the media is correct about him. And the Democrats are worse.
3. Trump is not an evil Nazi, biggot, misogynist. The media are whipping the country into mass hysteria but half of the country is immune, because of distrust of the media.

From my personal experience with American teachers, coworkers and friends, I tend towards option 3. From what my coworkers and friends immigrants in America tell me, I tend towards 3 again. And knowing our corrupt, pompous, incompetent, lazy, self-obsessed, sensationalist, clueless, USELESS media… Yeah, I’m sticking with 3.

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4 Horrific Ways Video Games Try To Be Sexy

4

Desperate Poontang Hunt

Getting laid involves establishing chemistry, building relationships, and maintaining abs — all of which sound like things you’d scream at TV’s Ken Jeong to get him to guess “Things video games are very bad at” on $100,000 Pyramid. So no one should be surprised to find that games about trying to de-panty potential sex partners are weirdly unrelatable. You don’t meet a lot of real women who stand still all night while strange men hand them objects from their inventory until they find the f**k one.


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That was the basic gameplay of the Leisure Suit Larry franchise, which seemed to think sex was a cartoonishly embarrassing thing that happened after eight hours of dad jokes and scavenger hunting. But I want to talk about a game that predates even Larry’s EGA nipples: the 1981 text adventure Softporn Adventure.

Well hi, nude ladies ready to go. And their, uh, waiter? I guess I’ll take a Miller High Life and a silicone-based lubricant.

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Not Fooling Anyone: This Man Clearly Used To Be A Pizza Hut

Some people will go to extraordinary lengths to hide who they truly are, often projecting false, idealized versions of themselves to the world to cope with their own deep-seated insecurities. But here’s a story that proves that you can live in denial all you want, but at the end of the day, your true colors will still come through: This man clearly used to be a Pizza Hut.

C’mon, man. You’re not fooling anyone! Just own it!

From the trapezoidal shape of his chest, to the fact that you can still make out the words “Pizza Hut” on his neck from where the sign used to be, it’s extremely obvious that Tim Glashan of Fort Wayne, IN was formerly a brick-and-mortar location of the popular pizza restaurant chain. Unfortunately for Tim, all the measures he’s taken to hide the evidence of his past, like wearing a massive white button-down shirt to cover up the bright red slats of his neck, are far from enough to dissuade anyone from seeing the telltale brown brick siding down his arms and immediately realizing he used to be a Pizza Hut.

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Despite his best efforts to blend into the crowd, strangers are constantly approaching him and trying to walk through the door in his stomach in hopes of buying a pizza, not even realizing he’s a human. Though Tim will try to convince these people that he’s a perfectly normal guy who’s “just a little big-boned,” one look at the buffet station and cash registers visible through the windows on his hips makes it pretty clear that he is living a lie.

Looks like the jig is up, Tim. Try as you might, you’ll never escape your past as a pizza place, so just be yourself, man! It’s not that big of a deal. In fact, it’s honestly pretty cool! People love Pizza Hut. It’s definitely better than being, like, a former mattress store or a LensCrafters or something. So embrace it! The sooner you do, the happier you’ll be.

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I'm pretty sure I'll be teased a lot at college,if I do it.

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